by Claire Adams
“I am hardly running away from your head, Ryder.”
“Well, good, because I like it best when it is nuzzled between your legs. You have some amazing thighs, Jenna. Maybe they are a miracle cure for cancer.”
“I don’t know Ryder…We’d have to do a great deal more experimenting to find out.”
“Mmmm. I will gladly sacrifice my body for the sake of science,” Ryder said.
“Is that what you were dreaming of this morning? I had a clear view of you when I was in my mother’s bathroom.”
“God Jenna, you are a peeping Tom—I fucking love it.”
I laughed. “Thanks for cheering me up immensely. I don’t know how I am going to spend the next few days without you around. Did I just sound too needy?”
“Not at all; I am needy, too. Pay attention to the road because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you either, Ryder. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I felt much better for the remainder of the drive. The night with Ryder was so special, and it was more than the incredible oral sex. We were getting closer each time we were together. I was glad I didn’t let the encounter with my mother erase the perfect evening.
I pulled up to Leach Hall and saw Kelly’s car, which meant she was probably home. Perhaps the odd scent I had picked up in my mom’s bathroom would help with the odor emanating from Kelly’s mouth.
I walked into my dorm room to find Kelly watching some Pretty Little Liars reruns.
“I can’t believe you are watching that crap. It’s the weekend. Get out and enjoy the fresh air, Kelly. You’re not in Kansas anymore. I can’t tell you how long I have wanted to say you’re not in Kansas anymore. I am a big Wizard of Oz fan,” I said.
“Welcome home to you, too, Jenna... Did you have a good time, wherever you were?” Kelly asked.
“Um—it was good and bad.”
“Did it have anything to do with your golf game?” Kelly asked.
I glanced at my pink golf bag propped up against the wall.
“No. I was not out golfing after dark. I don’t think I can golf at night since I already suck during the day. There is video golf, but I have never played.” I let my words lie. I knew Kelly was aware of my relationship with Ryder but it would go on as an unspoken truth.
“Cool. I’m glad you had fun. You smell interesting,” Kelly remarked.
She finally brought up odor but it was not her own. I wished that I could be so frank about her bad breath.
“I know, Kel. I smell as if I just walked out of a cheap perfumery. My mother had all of this girly shit and I couldn’t resist. I need a shower to rinse off the gunk from my previous shower.”
“I can tear myself away from Pretty Little Liars if you care to go for a run. It might air you out a bit.”
“Sounds perfect. I could use a good, mind—clearing five miler.”
We ran for an hour or so, which allowed me to put the weekend’s events in perspective. It had been a roller coaster of emotions. I had comfort and a sense of calm throughout the evening as Ryder and I hung out as a couple. It turned to sadness when I discovered he had cancer. Ecstasy enveloped me when Ryder gave me oral sex—the best I had ever had. Then I was pissed as hell with my mother. Ryder brought me back to happiness when I spoke with him on the phone. It was like a mental whiplash.
Chapter Three
I studied hard for the remainder of the weekend, with the occasional phone call to Ryder. They were uplifting, as usual, and occasionally spicy, laced with sexual innuendo. Ryder asked me to text him some photograph’s in varying stages of undress. I denied his request for the time being. I would surprise him when I had the chance and the spare cash to hit the lingerie store. Nudity wasn’t an option, though, since I would care if those pictures landed in the hands of the wrong person. As a woman of my generation, I had seen that happen one too many times.
I woke up on Monday morning well rested and anxious to see Ryder in class. First, I had to get through breakfast with Max. We had plans to meet at the dining common before class. It was always interesting to see what adventures came his way over the weekend.
I followed the routine I had established for those days when I would see Ryder, which included a shower. Normally, I would skip the bathing before an early class. I usually had a free couple of hours later in the day to wash.
I walked to meet Max. I wore jeans without holes, a crisp white shirt, and black boots. I was elegant chic, which made me stand out among the uber casual other students. Max was already waiting for me at a table, so I cruised through the food line. I had a whole-wheat bagel and cream cheese, a bowl of fruit, and black coffee. They said eating healthy made one feel vibrant and energized. That was bullshit, because a cinnamon bun and a triple mocha with whipped cream would have made me happy.
“Hey, Max. You look like shit,” I said as I sat at the table by the window he chose.
“Good morning to you, too, Jenna. It was a long weekend with a good bit of partying,” Max said. He was wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a loose fitting t-shirt.
“I am sure you are dying to tell me about it, so proceed.” I said.
Max took a swig of cola and cleared his throat. “I went to The Spot with some buddies. You wouldn’t have believed the line to get in. The place was vibin because it was a football weekend. When we finally got in, we started pounding some cocktails. You know how I love to dance, Jenna, so I started grinding hard with this chick. Neal said she was a fat chick, but I disagreed. She had meat on her bones – pleasantly plump. Her butt was—”
I interrupted Max when I said, “Enough of the woman’s physical description. Get on with the story. Curious, though: did this woman have a name?”
“Of course she had a name, Jenna. I just can’t remember it. Anyways, this buxom chick and I left together. Something was destined to happen between us and we ended going back to my place. As you know, I have a single, or as I like to call it a swingle.”
“Max, if there are more details I do not want to hear them.”
“No. We had a great time. We had a raunchy time. I walked her to the door when we were done.”
I laughed. “Not a long walk, Max. You have a very small room.”
“This entire conversation would not be happening if you and Professor Curran weren’t a thing. You and I could have rekindled our old flame. Why don’t you dump the old man and we can start hooking up again,” Max said.
I shook my head no. “Too bad; we are a thing. Just finish your story.”
“She left. It was fun. It was meant to be—Valerie!” Ryder shouted. “I remembered her name. It was supposed to be a one night thing.”
“Here is where the drama comes in,” I said.
My coffee was growing cold. Max was done with his Fruit Loops so we walked to class.
“Jenna, Valerie called me five times. I can see one call being courtesy call to tell me how amazing I was. You remember all about that, Jenna – right?”
“Right, Max.” I laughed and nudged him with my elbow.
“I never once returned her messages. She didn’t take a hint. She is nice and the girl can dance but I’m not looking for a thing. With the right girl I might be interested, but not Valerie,” Max said.
“I hope you find a nice way to let Valerie down. The good news is that this is a large school and it’s unlikely that you will run into her,” I said. “Let’s sit in the same seats we usually take. I am getting used to our spot behind Rozi and Rosemary. There is not much we can say that they have not already heard,” I said as Max approached our seats.
“Shit,” Max said stopping short as we made our way into the room.
“What, did you step in something?” I asked
His voice was uneasy. “No, it appears a new girl joined the class.”
I laughed. “She has probably been here all along and you just haven’t noticed her.”
“I would normally agree, but it’s Valerie
from The Spot.”
I snickered. “Now you know how I feel.”
****
Ryder walked in the room, so Max and his problems would have to wait until after class. Ryder was wearing his teaching garb, which included a tie and his golf cap.
The way he eyed me made me feel as if he was mine. Since our intense bonding had happened, I was confident that Ryder and I had laid the foundation for a relationship.
“Hey all. Today we are going to begin our unit on a very delicate subject. We are going to discuss pregnancy. You all know where babies come from and we have discussed methods we can use to prevent unexpected pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease. You will notice that I do not call them unwanted pregnancies but unexpected pregnancies. I’m going to give you a very important piece of advice. If you are a woman and you think you’re pregnant—go to health services. Do not waste time because decisions need to be made by you, and hopefully your partner. A tiny fetus is not going to wait around to grow,” Ryder said in his professorial tone, which was different from his every day voice. Then there was his bedroom voice, which was amazing. Thinking of the sound of that voice pushed me to think about things not suited to the classroom.
I listened to Ryder’s lecture and I appeared to be paying attention to the words coming out of his mouth but I wasn’t. I was watching his body sway when he spoke. It was better than watching a ballet. I could see nearly every girl in the class staring at him. I was intimate with the guy that a lot of girls wanted. This never happened to me.
“I know this class has been a bit of a bummer. Pregnancy is beautiful at the right time. If you chose to zone out as we talked about various safe sex methods, then I hope you listened today.
Class was over and Ryder collected his things. He was not in any hurry to leave so I took it as a signal that he would be available to chat after the others left. I assumed that we would make plans for the upcoming days to do something special.
“Are you coming, Jenna? Max asked. “Oh, I forgot, you have to check in with lover boy. I’ll wait for ya at the bottom of the steps.”
“I may be a while, Max.” I winked.
“No problem,” he said, and walked off.
Ryder closed the door once everyone had left, leaving us alone.
“I swear it looked as if there was a fucking halo over your head in class today,” he said while walking back to the podium.
“Halo – really, Ryder? A halo on my head after the other night? I doubt it,” I said. Ryder strode over and tugged me out of my chair and pulled me tight to his chest.
“It was where you were sitting Jenna. The sunlight was directed at the top of your blonde head. With your white shirt, you looked like a fucking angel. I know that you are more of a devil but you’re my devil and I can’t fucking get enough of you.”
“We have a long weekend so you will have plenty of me…I will be able to stay all night without having to worry about my mother. I will cook something decadent for dinner and I will serve you breakfast in bed. I make a great omelet if you like eggs. I do remember that with the chemo my father couldn’t tolerate eggs though but I’m sure we can work around it.” I was bubbling with anticipation.
“Whoa. Slow down. Everything sounds wonderful but perhaps another time. I won’t be able to spend time with you at all this weekend.” Ryder pulled away.
“Why not?” I asked. I felt that I deserved some sort of an explanation.
“I have been neglecting some things and they are important things that need my attention. I don’t want to get into it now.” Ryder was obviously uncomfortable.
“You can’t be hiding anything else, Ryder. I know how old you are and I know you have cancer. If it’s about chemo, I can help you through it. Or are you married or something?”
“I am not married, Jenna,” Ryder said flatly.
“Nice time to retreat, Ryder. I put a great deal on the line to be with you. I am so confused by you sometimes. Call me when you are finished with your important matters and be prepared to come clean about whatever you are hiding.”
I stormed out of the classroom as Ryder called my name.
“Jenna, Jenna Walsh. You have to—” Ryder’s voice trailed off.
****
Max was waiting for me when I walked out of class and I was clearly agitated. Anyone who knew me well knew that when I was flustered I grabbed the elastic from my wrist and put my hair up. True to form, I pulled my hair up tight into a ponytail.
“That wasn’t long, Jenna. Did you manage a quickie under the desk?”
“Max, I am not in the mood. Why don’t you go talk to your friend, Valerie?” I tried to rush past him.
“Was your man not in the mood or did he blow his wad too quickly? It is unfortunate when that stuff happens, but it is most likely his age. I am not looking forward to being old.”
As always, I tried hard to ignore Max, which was not an easy task. I should have been thankful that I had a friend who could make me smile when I wanted to cry. I cracked a small grin, but I was still upset.
“Ryder is a jackass. Can we just leave it at that?” I snapped at Max and hurried back to Leach Hall.
Thank god Kelly was not there. I emptied my golf bag on the floor. Memories came flooding back. I thought about his hands cradling mine as I practiced my grip and the sweet smell of his breath. His initials stood out on the underbelly of my pink Calloway bag. Tees and balls lay scattered on the floor and my anger turned to sadness.
I was sick of his secrets.
I had no idea why Ryder was not able to see me that weekend. In the back of my mind, I knew Ryder was not married. I had so many questions. Was I foolish and built up our relationship too much in my mind? I hated to think of myself as so stupid. He had said he needed me too. I knew the best medicine was a very long run because, if I did not redirect my feelings, I was apt to hurl my irons out the window. That would have been a tough one to explain to the campus police.
Kelly walked into our room. I hated anyone to see me that way. My face was red and stained with the trails of my tears.
“Hey, Kelly,” I said.
“You look like you have been crying. What’s up?” Kelly asked.
“Something someone said took me by surprise and pissed me off,” I said.
The room was a mess. It looked as if a tornado had touched down. It may have been a familiar sight to Kelly from Kansas.
“Is there anything I can do?” Kelly was sympathetic and not pissed about the room.
“I realize that I must look pathetic, but I assure you, Kelly, this will pass. I just had a meltdown. I will run it out of me,” I said shyly.
“Don’t worry, I have seen worse. I have a little brother and he has done plenty of damage to his room. I shudder to think what he would do with a set of golf clubs. I am here if you want to talk, but until then, I will give you your space.” Kelly smiled.
“Thanks, Kel. You are just what I needed.”
I threw on my spandex and inserted my ear buds, then I was out of Leach Hall and on the road.
Chapter Four
On Friday, I departed from psychology class and decided to go home for the weekend. It was my intention to recharge my batteries, repair the mess between my mother and me, and spend time with Sayler. I was lying to myself that Ryder would not be on my mind since I was going to be within spitting distance of his house. From my mom’s bathroom, I would have a clear view of his bedroom. Her toilet’s location made it the perfect perch from which to watch him sleep—or perform other bedroom activities. It was his other activities that made me cringe. If I were to see Ryder in bed with another woman, I would be tempted to throw some bottles of lotion out the window.
I packed my duffle with some clothes for the weekend. I threw in an unspectacular array of jeans and t-shirts. I placed my out-of-fashion, ripped jeans in my bag. I would not have the opportunity to impress anyone with my threads. My mother’s garden needed to be put to bed, requiring my grungiest attire. I would be pulling a
part the tomato plants and remnants of the squash vines. It was my least favorite part of the fall. It represented the end of something. I was trying not to create an analogy in my mind between my relationship with Ryder ending and the garden that had gone to seed.
As I was packing my toiletries, my phone buzzed with the arrival of a text. It was from Ryder. Before pressing delete, which I had become accustomed to doing, I read the message.
Have a grt w/e. J
I wasn’t ready to talk to Ryder until he showed that he was ready to tell me what was going on. I threw my bag in my car, plugged in my iPod, and dialed up the volume. I had playlists to suit every mood. Each one was arranged with the help of my nephew. I sang along to Beyoncé, who—along with the help of Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and a little Alicia Keys—would improve my mood. I put my car on cruise control to not risk another speeding ticket.
****
I pulled up to my mother’s home. Of course, I passed by Ryder’s house. He was not home; the lights were out. His car was not in the driveway, so I assumed that he was on the golf course finishing a round before the sun set. Maybe he was in the lounge by that point, guzzling a beer.
He shouldn’t be drinking alcohol.
Constant worries about Ryder and remembering his touch followed me. I turned off the music and took a deep breath before entering my mother’s house.
“Hi, Mom. I hope you got my message that I would be staying over for a couple of nights. If I am not welcome, I will sleep on the Lindner’s couch,” I said.
My mom was wearing a skirt and one of my old silk blouses. I had worn them during a stage that I was trying to look older. The look did not suit me and the items had been relegated to the back of my closet.
She sighed. “Of course you are welcome. You are my daughter, and, despite what you say, this is your home. I think we are both going through a growth phase. We are in different places and that is going to put our differences under a microscope.”
“Hell, Mom. Did you sit in on my psych class? You sound like Dr. Phil,” I said. I was surprised at my mom’s maturity.
