“I do . . . but in a very controlled way. I own a plot of land north of the city. No neighbors. And I just build a fire up there—like a large camp fire,” he added quickly. “When things get too much, it takes the edge off. I haven’t set fire to anything else deliberately in a decade.”
Kendalee wrapped her arms around her middle and stood. “I don’t know where to even begin processing what you just told me, Elliott. My heart hurts for you, for what you went through, but I need to think about it in the context of Daniel and his recovery, what’s the best environment for him.”
His heart dropped. He’d hoped she would see his experiences and recovery as a good thing, see that he’d be able to help Daniel, that he could teach him. That she’d realize he was a good man, and worth risking her heart on. But of course she wouldn’t want someone like him around Daniel. He was going to lose her, and there was nothing he could do about it.
The look on her face told him everything he needed to know. Her cheeks had gone pale, and she bit the side of her fingernail nervously. She looked as crestfallen as he felt.
He stood and took her hand. “Look, it’s late. Come home. Get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning.”
When she placed her hand in his, it struck him that it might be for the last time, which was more than his heart could bear.
* * *
The dress she’d chosen to wear was tight fitting, but Kendalee was pretty damn certain that wasn’t the reason she couldn’t breathe. Everything had closed in on her. When she’d woken up that morning at the hospital to a text from Elliott telling her he’d made plans for them that evening, she’d been happy. When Daniel had told her that the pain didn’t feel as bad as usual, despite his reduced pain meds, she’d been ecstatic. Her life had felt as though it was about to remount the rails she’d been traveling on before everything had come undone.
And then it had all gone up in smoke.
By the time the limo Elliott had arranged to take them home pulled up in front of his house, she was all out of words and feelings. She was one step away from a panic attack.
Elliott stepped out of the limo first and reached for her hand. Conflicted by the feeling of security she always experienced when she was near him, she took it but then doubled over as her breath escaped her and her stomach spasmed into a million tiny cramps.
“Oh God,” she whispered as Elliott caught her in his arms.
“I’ve got you,” Elliott said. “Just breathe, sweetheart.”
The lights were off, the house dark, which meant Nikan wasn’t home. It was a good thing. It was awful enough that Elliott was there to witness her misery, and all she wanted to do was disappear up the stairs, jump into bed, and hide under the covers until it was all better.
Carefully, he unlocked the front door and let them both inside. Without saying a word, he carried her upstairs.
“Please, take me to my room,” she gasped as he headed toward his.
“The only way I am taking you to your room is if I’m staying there too. You can fight me on this, but there’s no way I am leaving you alone in this state.”
For a moment, she considered fighting him, yet she didn’t really want to be alone with her thoughts.
Elliott toed the door to his room open and then kicked it closed with his heel. Through the moonlight that settled the room in an inky half-light, she could see the fear in Elliott’s eyes that likely mirrored hers. She broke free from his embrace, the move filled with urgency and panic. She needed something, something that would ground her, something that would keep her from falling victim to the noise that filled her head. But instead, she found herself reaching for him again, knowing full well she couldn’t explain the move even to herself let alone to him.
“Kendalee,” he whispered, gripping her wrists as she attempted to open the button of his shirt.
The way he said her name with such reverence, and hurt, filled her heart with more pain than she thought she could carry. “Take me away from all this, Elliott, please.”
For a moment, he stood where he was, his eyes roaming over her face as if memorizing every detail, and then he nodded. He slid his hand around her neck and reached for the zipper of her dress. Slowly, he inched it down her spine.
But she didn’t want slow, didn’t want to make love. What she needed now was the darkest parts of him. The rock star, the anonymity, the things he wanted to try with her that they might never get the chance to do again.
Kendalee stepped back. “Don’t love me, Elliott. Not tonight. Show me. Take me. I need to get out of my head.”
The look of sheer wretchedness etched across Elliott’s face almost made her change her mind. She knew he needed her reassurance, that he wanted her to return the words that he had said and meant. But she couldn’t, not right now when her world seemed very much at odds.
“Kendalee, please just let me love you, let me—”
“I can’t.” She let her dress slide down her shoulders and then shimmied it over her hips until it pooled on the floor by her feet. She unclasped her bra, and removed it so that it joined her dress. Finally, she removed her panties, ones that she’d bought as a treat to surprise Elliott, though tonight no longer felt like the time for pretty lace and sweet words. “This is all I have to give tonight,” she said, finally taking control of her breathing. “It’s either enough for you, or it isn’t.”
Elliott fell to his knees, and pressed his forehead to his stomach. “You will always be enough for me, no matter how we come together.”
For the briefest moment, she felt a flicker of doubt. How wrong was it to dictate their lovemaking, when it was clear that one of them wanted much, much more? Inhibitions be damned, for once she needed to take what she wanted. “Devour me, Elliott, please.”
For a moment, they stood frozen in place, Elliott clearly wrestling with his needs and hers. “I’m sorry,” he said as he pushed her back onto the bed. Roughly, he shoved her knees wide, then buried his head between her thighs. There was no subtlety, no easing in and playful nipping. He sucked hard on her clit, and she lifted off the bed, only to be pressed against the mattress by his large hand.
“Ah . . . yes. Just like . . . please,” she begged, grabbing his hair tightly.
He gasped and added a finger, pressing deep inside her in one quick stroke. God. She needed to come, to experience something outside of herself for just a moment. To go to a place where she could pretend she was something other than the clusterfuck her life had added up to.
When he added a second finger, she could barely form words. It was messy, and uncontrolled, and hotter than anything she could imagine. As her orgasm ripped through her, the world around her crumbled away, and for a blissful moment, her body and Elliott were all she could see.
Hands tugged her to the end of the bed and flipped her over until her knees hit the carpet and her stomach pressed against the bed.
“You sure you want it this way?” he growled in her ear. The need in his words made her shiver.
“Yes,” she said, determined to follow through on what she’d asked for, even though the tiniest part of her heart was screaming for her to let him love her.
With a hand between her shoulder blades, she felt him position himself behind her. He hadn’t reached into the drawer to get a condom, and while deep down she knew she was smarter than this, she wanted to feel him. Feel every part of him, feel connected in a way she’d remember for the rest of her life.
Nervous that he’d break the moment, she reached between her legs and took him in her hand, lining up against him and allowing him to slide deep inside.
“Lee,” he whispered, the pain crashing from the words. “I need to get a—”
“No,” she said, moving against him, reveling in his groan. “Just take me, Elliott. I want to feel every moment of this.”
“Fuck, Kendalee, you feel . . . everything. You are everything.”
Elliott gripped her hips and took over, thrusting into her hard, just like she’d asked.
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“You think you want me to fuck you like you’re nothing,” Elliott whispered against the side of the neck as he slid deep inside her. “I can’t do that. But I’ll fuck you this way because I love you. Because you are everything, not nothing. Because it’s what you need, it’s what you asked of me. And I’d do anything you’d ask me to, Lee. Because love is accepting the rough with the smooth, and right now, I’ll take you anyway I can get you.”
She felt her body come apart, and her heart went with it, leaving nothing but tears and an emptiness that couldn’t be filled.
* * *
Once the door to the bathroom was closed, Elliott switched on the light. It was still pitch black outside as the night gave way to the early hours of the morning. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and his mind was a rush of noise. Of not being good enough, of not being worthy, of losing Kendalee, of steering Daniel wrong, of breaking up a family that should be back together, of not being able to point to one solid reason for why he should stay with Kendalee other than the fact that he thought he would lose whatever was left of his mind if she wasn’t in his life.
Naked, he took in the tattoos on his body, his gaze resting on the list of numbers that ran down his inner arm, twelve in total, that signified Adam’s birthdate and the date he died. Elliott gripped the edge of the sink and took his weight in his arms. The anger that Kendalee had shown earlier had made him realize he was still angry. Furious, even. Angry at being abused. Angry at being abandoned. Angry at losing Adam. And no amount of money, no amount of fame, no amount of success was going to fill the holes that anger had created.
Kendalee had come closer to him than any person on the planet had ever come before, as had Daniel. But it wasn’t their responsibility to close the gaps for him. He needed to do that for himself. Be happy by himself. And he couldn’t get that damn quote that he’d seen on one of Kendalee’s boards out of his head. Something about fixing yourself, by yourself, for yourself. Which had seemed like the hokiest fucking bullshit he’d ever read when he’d first seen it. But now it was rushing around in his head with every-fucking-thing else. Maybe it was because he was tired to the point of hallucination, but it suddenly made sense. He was waiting for a life with Kendalee and Daniel when he finally got out of hospital, but he needed fixing too.
He opened the door to the bathroom, leaving it open just a crack so he could see what he was doing in the walk-in closet. Silently, he grabbed some jeans off the shelf, pulled a clean T-shirt from the pile of laundry he hadn’t gotten around to putting away, and grabbed a pair of socks and his hiking boots.
Quietly, Elliott slipped back into the bedroom. Kendalee was lying exactly as he’d left her a few moments before. What was left of the moonlight paid homage to her curves, creating shadows in the gentle dip of her spine, the one he’d run his hands down tenderly as he’d fucked her roughly as she’d asked.
When she’d stripped her clothes off, it was clear that she was confused. Conflicted even. He’d wanted to hold her, ease her concerns and worries. Keep her tucked close against him as they fell asleep in hopes for a better tomorrow. One where they could talk again, work things through. But like a sucker who knew he was about to go down for the count, he’d done what she needed. Even though it felt like he was taking advantage of her. Even though he was certain she was going to regret it when she opened her beautiful eyes in the morning. Even as it had eviscerated his heart. He’d been terrified he’d never get to love her again, and he’d been willing to do whatever it took to experience that just one more time.
And to feel her . . . to truly feel her warmth and wetness as she’d come around him, as he’d come deep inside her, without barriers between them, had been the kind of thing that inspired songs.
In every way that mattered, she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. And now, for both their sakes, he was going to walk away, get in his car, and drive north to his cottage.
He grabbed his phone from the desk and walked carefully out into the hallway. Once in the kitchen, he slipped his shoes on. Four o’clock. His eyes felt like they were filled with grit, and he was probably too exhausted to drive. But he was putting his money on empty roads.
He opened the side door and stepped out into the fresh air. The transition between summer and fall was his favorite time of year, but it did little to lift his spirits this morning. The garage door rumbled as it opened.
“Where are you sneaking off to?”
The sound of Nikan’s voice made him jump, and the question threw him off guard. “Says the guy rolling in at this hour,” he bluffed. “Good night?”
“Don’t pull that shit with me. Where are you going?”
“The cottage.”
Nikan looked up to the windows on Elliott’s floor then back to him. “At four in the morning?”
Elliott didn’t know how to explain how messed up everything had become. There was only one person who could help him with that, and he’d need to talk to her later. “I gotta go, Nik,” was all he could muster.
“Why? Are you okay?”
He had his reasons. On the boat, he’d been determined to keep them together, but as Kendalee had finally turned to him asleep and snuggled in his arms, he realized he need to temporarily take a break to make some changes.
Two birds with one stone. Reason one was to give Kendalee the space she needed to think through what he’d told her. While she had nowhere else to live, he had options. She could stay as long as she needed. He’d buy the house from the guys as planned, then go live in Jordan’s guest house if he needed to while they found their feet.
As for reason two, Daniel and Kendalee had given him a gift. Every step Daniel took in his recovery set Elliott back a step. Took him closer to the things he’d thought he’d had a lid on. The very fact he had invisible things with invisible lids meant he still had problems. There shouldn’t be anything requiring a lid, not when there were all kinds of support out there. Between Kendalee and Daniel, they’d shown him how much work his own life needed, putting him onto a different path that required some head space to figure out.
“No,” he answered honestly. “I’m really fucking not.”
Nikan grabbed him roughly by the shoulder and tucked him in for a hug. “Let me come with you.”
Elliott took a step away. “I just got some shit I need to figure out on my own, Nik.”
“You aren’t going to do anything stupid, are you?”
Define “stupid.” Elliott shook his head.
“Does Kendalee know?”
He shook his head again. “I’m gonna text her when I get up there. Look, I’m an asshole for even asking, but could you go stay at Dred’s place or something until we have this figured out? Give her space to work out the shit she has going on?”
Nikan nodded. “Yeah. I’m worried about you, bro. You know I love you, right?”
“Feeling’s mutual. Now I gotta get going so I can get there and crash.”
“Not literally, I hope,” Nik said somberly.
In spite of everything, Elliott laughed. “Fucking hope that’s not some weird foreshadowing shit, because if it is, I’m coming to haunt your ass.”
“Yeah, well, drive safe, dipshit. I’m the better guitarist, but your playing adds a certain je ne sais quoi to our sound.”
This time Elliott reached for Nik and hugged him. “Keep an eye on her for me.”
“Text me, every fucking hour. And I will.”
Elliott’s stomach tightened at the instruction, knowing that it came from a place of worry, of being the second of them to see Adam . . . after.
“I’m not going to do anything stupid . . . I have shit worth living for, if I can only figure it all the fuck out.”
Nikan took a step back. “Then it won’t be a problem to text me, will it?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Kendalee felt like an empty shell as she went about doing what she was supposed to, going through the motions of listening to Daniel recount some story about a young teenager do
wn the hall who had come in the day before with burns from a car fire. What little she’d caught seemed to suggest her son had tried to be a good friend to her and her family, talking about his own experiences and what had helped him. She should be proud of his efforts; there should be some modicum of feeling in her chest. But there wasn’t.
Her conversation with Elliott weighed heavily on her heart. She’d woken up alone. There had been no sign of him, the cool sheets her only clue that he’d been gone a while. As she’d lain in bed running the events of the previous evening though her mind, she’d come to one conclusion: she wasn’t the Christian she’d thought herself to be. And that hurt. She’d judged a man who had been honest, who’d done nothing illegal or wrong in all those years. A man she’d known for over a month who had repeatedly demonstrated what a good person he was. Who’d shown her son a level of kindness she could never repay. A man she loved, a man she wanted to understand, and get to know, and learn with. A man she wanted to wake up with in the morning. She’d tried his phone, there’d been no answer.
That had been ten hours ago. It was now five o’clock, and she had no idea what was going on.
What she wouldn’t give to be able to turn the clock back to the previous evening and handle the whole thing differently. It had dawned on her in the shower, as she’d washed the scent of him off her skin, that she hadn’t given him a chance to explain. Not properly. She’d heard the word “pyromania” and panicked, and that had blurred everything that had happened since. And all this coming at the end of a day where she’d been maligned in the press, had her relationship outed to her husband, and been evicted from her son’s room, she’d been at her limit. And it turned out that she could be a crazy-ass bitch when the mood struck her.
“What do you think, Mom?”
Daniel’s voice tugged her away from her thoughts. “I’m sorry, Daniel, what did you say?”
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