by K. C. Lynn
I grind my teeth and swallow past the guilt that has been threatening to choke me. The doctor says she is lucky she only has a concussion, but there’s nothing fucking lucky about any of this. She shouldn’t have suffered anything. I promised her she never would again, and I broke that promise.
“Cade?”
My heads snaps up at the soft sound of my name, my gaze landing on her swollen and bruised face. My chest constricts painfully at the sight, but I’m glad to see her looking a little more alert. I want to kiss the shit out of her but know I don’t have the right, I know I don’t deserve it.
“Hey, Red,” I whisper, shocked to hear just how gruff my voice is. “How are you feeling?”
“All right. A little more alert, and the pain in my head is minimal.”
I respond with a nod then, before I can stop myself, I raise her hand that’s in mine and bring it to my lips, giving it a soft kiss. She traces a finger across the cut I have from my earlier fight with Evans.
“You look so tired,” she says sadly. “Have you slept at all?”
I shake my head and clear my throat. “No, but I’m fine. I’ve been going back and forth, also checking on Christopher.”
“Is he doing okay?” she asks worriedly, tears immediately forming in her eyes.
“Yeah, Red, he’s good. He’s a tough kid. The doctors have him on some pain meds so he’s sleeping a lot, but Katelyn’s been staying in the room with him.”
“Oh good. What about Ruthie? I briefly remember seeing her one of the times I woke up but I don’t remember much.”
“She’s worried about you and Christopher, but she’s good. Sawyer and Grace have her. He texted me a few minutes ago and told me they will be coming by in a bit. They’re grabbing breakfast first.”
She watches me, her expression becoming more somber. “And how about you, Cade? How are you doing?”
I drop my head and let out a disbelieving breath. I don’t know how the fuck she can care about how I’m doing after everything I’ve done, but this is Red. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
I feel her cup the side of my face. “Cade, look at me.” I lift my head and stare into her soft, understanding eyes, portraying feelings I don’t deserve. “It’s not your fault.”
I release an exasperated breath. “Yeah, it is. We both know none of this would have happened if I had been there.” Which is true, because I would have fucking killed them before they even got into the house. But, because I’m fucked in the head, I was too busy trying to escape life and not deal with something I should have dealt with a long time ago.
“They would have found another way, Cade. You weren’t with us 24/7. They could have tried to take Christopher after school; they could have taken me during the day from the house. They would have found some way.”
I don’t respond because I disagree. She swallows thickly before asking the next question. “What exactly happened? The last thing I remember is thinking Sawyer got shot, but it was Floyd who did… I think?”
“Sawyer called attention to himself to get the gun off Christopher, knowing he would aim it at him. When he did, Jaxson shot him.”
“Is he dead?”
“Yes.”
She nods. “And Spike?”
I’m silent for a minute and wonder how much I should tell her. “He’s not dead, but he’s not doing great. He’ll be in the hospital for a while before going to trial.” I decide to leave it at that; she doesn’t need to know I put him there.
“Has Christopher told anyone about his mom?”
“Yeah, Cooper knows about the body in the shed, we are waiting for verification that it’s her, but considering what Christopher has said it sounds like it will be.”
“He was devastated when I found him,” she chokes out softly, tears forming in her eyes again. “My heart is absolutely breaking for him, but I’ll help him get through it, and when it’s confirmed that it’s her I’ll make sure we have a nice funeral for her.”
There is no one better who walks this earth than this girl right here. “I know you will, Red. He’s lucky to have you and so is Ruthie.”
Tears start spilling down her cheeks and her breath hitches. “You have me too, if you want me.”
I clench my teeth against the burning pain in my throat and shake my head. “I don’t deserve you.”
A quiet sob escapes her, cracking my tortured heart in half. Not being able to hold back a second longer, I move beside her on the bed and press my lips to hers gently, not wanting to hurt her. But my caution goes out the fucking window when she threads her fingers in my hair and pulls me harder against her mouth. My restraint snaps and I kiss her like I’ve been aching to since the night she left me at the gym. I swallow her sobs, taste her tears and greedily take every ounce of sweetness that pours from her, even though I deserve none of it. But it’s something that I can’t live without; she is someone I can’t live without. With that thought, I pull back and rest my forehead on hers gently. “Listen, baby. Sawyer and Grace are going to stay with you and the kids for a while at the house.”
Alarm sparks in her emerald eyes. “Why? Where are you going?”
“There’s something I need to go take care of, Red.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah, I leave tonight actually.”
“For how long?”
“I’m not exactly sure.”
More tears to rush down her face. “Are you coming back?” The fear and pain in her voice makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit, but I know I have to do this and it can’t wait, not any more.
“Yeah, Red, I’m coming back.”
“Sawyer and Grace don’t have to stay with us. We will be okay on our own, or I’m sure we could stay with my parents until the house is cleaned up.”
I shake my head. “The house has been taken care of, and it’s ready for when you guys get there, but he’s staying with you, Red. I need to know you guys are safe while I’m gone.” When she doesn’t respond, and looks even more upset, I cup the side of her neck, right under her jaw, and keep my lips close to hers. “Please, baby.”
Her expression softens and she nods. I kiss her softly and her delicate hands frame my face. “I love you, Cade Walker, and I’ll be waiting for you. Please don’t make me wait long.”
I close my eyes, not knowing how the fuck she can still say that to me after everything I’ve done to her, but I’ll make it up to her. I’m going to fucking fix this or die trying.
CHAPTER 37
Cade
My chest constricts like a motherfucker as I stand at the long cement pathway that leads to a place I have never been to, but one I should have visited a long time ago. I never went to the funeral or the burial for two reasons: one—because my bitch of a mother had it in a church despite the circumstances surrounding my sister’s death, and two—because just the thought of watching her small, innocent body get lowered in the ground fucking hurt enough to kill me. And from what I’m feeling right now it still might.
Knowing I can’t prolong this moment any longer, I start my way down the paved path and ignore all the headstones I pass, looking for only one. As I follow the directions Evans gave me, images of the sweet face I have pushed away for so long start to emerge, and with it comes excruciating pain. The way her big, innocent, brown eyes watched me with trust, and loved me for reasons I will never understand. The way her tiny body fit in my arms when she was scared or sad and needed someone to hold her. She was a little girl who had the kindest heart and didn’t deserve to be ripped away from the world in the vilest way.
By the time I reach her headstone, I can barely read the script through my blurred vision:
In Loving Memory
Of
Mia Elle Walker
1995 – 2002
May you rest peacefully in
God’s loving arms.
“Do you think I’m a good enough girl to go to heaven when I die?”
I grind my teeth and try to breathe through the fucking a
che in my chest at the soft, tiny voice echoing in my head. Images of her small body, bloody and violated, make its way to the surface next.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m sorry, Cade, he said he’d kill you if I ever told.”
The guilt is what finishes me and shreds any measure of control I’ve managed until this point. My legs give out and I fall to my knees in agony, my forehead dropping on the headstone. “I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry I wasn’t there,” I mumble weakly, my words barely making it past the excruciating burn in my throat. “I’m sorry that I didn’t make it in time, and that I didn’t know sooner. I should have protected you.” I continue to apologize; the emotion flowing through my body is so goddamn painful it feels like it’s going to kill me.
I sit for a long time, and wait for the pain to ease, but it never does. I don’t know how much time has passed, but by the setting sun I know it’s been a while. Everything is calm and quiet as I rest against the headstone behind me, and stare up at the orange Colorado sky.
“I love you, Cade.”
“I love you too, kid.”
As soon as the words repeat in my head, a sudden gust of wind comes out of nowhere and something grazes my hand. I look down and my heart completely stops. “What the ever-holy-fuck?” I mumble, as I stare in utter shock at the thick, white ribbon lying across my hand, the same fucking one I’d swear I’ve seen before. I jump up quickly and scan the graveyard, but find no one.
No, no fucking way. Someone has to be here. I hold the ribbon tight and take a quick walk around, trying to find whoever the fuck was just here, but again I find no sign of anyone. Shaking my head in disbelief, I walk back and stare at my sister’s grave, not knowing what to think. Was it here the whole time and I missed it? I dismiss the thought right away, knowing this is something I wouldn’t miss.
Leaning down, I rest my forehead against her headstone again and say one final goodbye. “I’ll never stop thinking of you again. I love you, kid. Forever.”
Standing up, I walk away with my vision blurred and an ache in my chest that I know will never fade, but it’s somehow more manageable now. I get into my rental then head over to my next destination, one that I’m dreading just as much as the last, and pull up to the small run-down house I haven’t been to in twelve years. If it weren’t for Catherine Evans I wouldn’t have known the woman inside still lived here.
I walk up the familiar, cracked cement steps and knock on the broken screen door. When it swings open I’m met by a pathetic looking woman, one I recognize easily. Maria Walker looks mostly the same, but older, which means not good. She looks cracked out and like she hasn’t showered in a week.
Her brown, blood-shot eyes widen in shock for only a brief second before narrowing on me with hatred. It’s a look I remember well, it’s the only way she’s ever looked at me. “What the hell are you doing here?”
You would think her greeting would hurt me, that it would hurt that the woman who is supposed to love me unconditionally can barely stand the sight of me, but it doesn’t. If anything it makes it easier to forget about her. I push past her and walk in. “I’m here to pick up something of Mia’s that I want.”
I feel her follow me as I make my way to my sister’s old bedroom. “You are not taking a single thing, you don’t deserve anything of hers.” I ignore her, which pisses her off, and right when I’m about to walk into the room she grabs my arms. “I mean it, you’re not…”
I turn on her quickly and she jumps back with a yelp. “Don’t put your fucking hands on me. I’m taking the fucking rabbit I gave her for her birthday, and if you try to stop me again you will live to fucking regret it.”
I head into my sister’s room, and feel the ache in my chest tighten, so I quickly take what I came for, not wanting to be vulnerable in front of this woman. As I turn to leave I pass by a framed picture that’s on her dresser, one of us at the fair. She’s on my back, her small face next to mine with the biggest smile; it’s one I rarely saw because the house we lived in sucked so fucking bad. But for that one night she didn’t stop smiling, and it made me feel good to know I was the one who put it there. Feeling a burn in my throat again, I grab the picture too, knowing Maria couldn’t give a shit about it and walk out.
I pass by Maria in the living room and ignore her death glare, but before I leave I decide to ask about the ribbon. “Did you put the ribbon at her grave?”
“What ribbon? What the hell are you talking about?”
I figured. I don’t bother to explain and turn to leave, but just as I’m about to walk out the door she says, “It should have been you.” Stopping short, I turn back to her. “I wish it would have been you who died and not her.”
I look at her and wonder how a mother can hate her own child so much, a child who never did anything but live and breathe. I think of Red. Of how she is with Christopher and Ruthie and the way she loves them unconditionally. She’s everything a mother should be and everything this mother isn’t. For the first time I’m struck with the realization that I may be all sorts of fucked up but I know I am nothing like this bitch or my asshole father.
“If I could have traded spots with her I would have,” I tell her honestly. “I would have died for her, but as it happened you fucking killed her instead of me. All because you’re nothing but a no-good fucking junkie, who wanted attention, and let some asshole who was screwing you, screw with your daughter.” Pain flashes in her angry eyes but I couldn’t give a shit because all of it is the truth.
She picks up an empty glass vase off the coffee table, and I duck just as she throws it at me. “GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!”
“Don’t worry, I won’t be. But do yourself a favor, Maria, and fucking clean yourself up. You might still be able to salvage some part of your pathetic life.”
With that last remark, I get the hell out of there and drive to the airport, hoping there will be a flight out sooner rather than later. I need Red and I need her now, but there are still things I need to put in place first.
CHAPTER 38
Cade
I pull up to the two-story, Victorian-styled house and let out a tired breath. These past two weeks have been one fucking hell of an emotional roller coaster, which takes a lot out of a guy who never used to feel anything. From the night that I fucked up at Christopher’s birthday supper, to thinking I was going to lose two of the most important people in my life, to dealing with my sister, then Maria…
I’ve missed Faith like fucking crazy this past week. Evans has been giving me daily updates but it doesn’t help. Not one fucking bit. I need her and I plan to see her soon. There’s only one thing left to take care of and it’s going to be awkward as hell; I’m not sure I’m ready for it. I just hope what she said is true and that she’s waiting for me, but I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. Pushing aside that shitty thought, I get out of the truck and walk up the front steps. I knock on the door and shift nervously, wondering what kind of greeting I’m going to get. The door opens to reveal the man I came to speak with.
“Cade,” Joshua Williams greets me in stunned disbelief.
“Hi, Joshua. Do you have a minute?”
He stares at me for another second before stepping back. “Of course. Please come in.”
Just as I step inside, Faith’s papa comes walking out of the kitchen. His eyes widen in shock before they narrow on me. “What the hell are you doing here?” I’m not surprised by his hostile greeting, and know I deserve it.
Before I can say anything though, Joshua does, “Don’t be rude, Dad, he’s here to speak with me.” I’m taken aback that he would stand up for me considering the way I treated him.
“Rude?” the old man says, none too gently. “I’ll show you rude when I pull my shotgun on this asshole for making my shortcake cry.” My chest constricts with guilt at the thought of Faith crying because of me.
Joshua scolds him again before turning to me. “Why don’t we go talk in my office?”
I nod and
begin to follow him up the stairs. I glance back at the old man to see him glaring daggers at me. When we make eye contact he gives me the ‘I’m watching you’ signal. I grunt, getting the message loud and clear then continue to follow Joshua up the stairs.
As soon as we enter his office, I get the familiar anger and resentment of seeing the room filled with something I don’t believe in, or at least something I never used to… or still don’t. Oh fuck, I don’t know what I think anymore.
I focus on a massive picture of what is supposed to be heaven. But what captures my attention isn’t the picture, it’s the quote:
‘A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul.’
“What can I do for you, Cade?”
I snap my gaze away from the picture, feeling a mix of turbulent emotions. Instead of saying the one thing I came here for, I end up reaching into my pocket and pulling out the thick, white hair ribbon that I haven’t parted with since it landed on me, and slam it down on his desk.
“I want you to tell me how the hell this ended up in my hands when I haven’t seen it in twelve years!”
He glances at the ribbon then back at me. “What is it?”
“It was my sister’s.” I grind my teeth at the pain I get from mentioning her, and know it’s going to be a while before I get used to talking about her. “She used to wear this in her hair every night. I went to her grave for the first time a few days ago and somehow, after hours of being there, this thing landed on me right out of thin fucking air.”
If my language offends him he doesn’t show it. I expect him to look at me like I’m completely fucking crazy for asking him this question, but he doesn’t. Instead he leans back in his chair and watches me patiently. “What is it you want me to tell you, Cade?”
