by Lisa Cassidy
“Ladan, I’m fine. I promise. What did Howell want to see you about the other...” her voice trailed off as she spotted the bulging saddlebags sitting at his feet. “Going somewhere?”
A sharp nod. “Home. It’s time.”
That made no sense. “But it’s not long until the end of the year and your magic hasn’t broken out yet.”
“It won’t.”
“You can’t know that for certain.”
“Trust me, I know. And now it’s time for me to leave.” He shifted. “The Blue Guard will get you home safely and I need to get back to Widow Falls. There are urgent issues that need my attention.”
“You’re not telling me the whole truth,” she said softly.
Frustration burned on his face. “I wish I could stay, that’s the truth. But I learned something recently and... well, I truly believe you’ll be safer if I’m gone.”
“Why?” It didn’t make any sense. He’d been so insistent on protecting her, and after everything that had just happened, he was leaving?
“It’s better you not know. I need you to trust me when I tell you I’m certain I’m protecting you better by leaving.” Bitterness twisted his face at those words, and she sensed they held deeper meaning.
Alyx hesitated. “Is it to do with my family? Howell said something today that indicated you know more about me, or about my mother. I dismissed it at first, because the implication seemed silly, but then I thought about how you’ve been so fixated on protecting me. My whole life, I’ve heard stories that you’re merciless, that you’ve killed people in cold blood. Yet, despite being remote, you’ve never shown anything but kindness to me. I don’t understand why.”
He stared at her for a full second after the words had finished tumbling out of her. “Yes, I’ve killed many,” he said at last. “All Shiven warriors infringing on my lands. I’ve never killed a Rionnan citizen, Alyx.”
“Then why allow people to believe that you have?”
“I was a twelve-year-old boy when I took the lordship. I had to project a strong image, one that would keep the other Rionnan lords from coveting my land.”
“All right, I understand that. But why do you care so much about protecting me? Did you really just happen to be travelling to DarkSkull Hall at the exact moment we passed through your lands?” She paused. “Why me, Ladan?”
He said nothing, and Alyx studied him as he stood before her, a good head taller, legs planted firmly apart, muscled arms crossed over his chest. His gaze was forbidding, but it didn’t scare her any longer, so she waited patiently for his response.
“The Mage Council requested that I study here several times over the past few years,” he said finally. “I chose to come this particular time because you showed up on my doorstep. When you told me you were coming here, I wanted to come so that I could make sure you were safe at DarkSkull.”
He was telling the truth, Alyx thought in astonishment; she could see the hard sincerity in his eyes, in the set of his jaw. Ladan was many things, but he seemed to prize honesty above everything else.
“Why?”
“You don’t want to hear why.”
“Of course I do. Tell me.”
His eyes softened a fraction. “You’re my sister.”
There was a full beat of silence as Ladan said nothing further, just looked at her with a challenging stare. Alyx shook her head, convinced she’d heard him wrong.
“That’s not true.” It was all she could think to say.
“It is.” Affection softened his hard look. “You may have forgotten me, but I haven’t forgotten you.”
Alyx read the same honesty in his expression, but his words made no sense to her. Her head whirled as she took an involuntary step back.
“How can that be possible? My mother…”
“Left you with our father and took me away with her.” His voice took on a clipped tone. “The plan was to split us up for safety. She left you in the protection of our father and the king of Rionn, and fled with me in case that protection wasn’t enough.”
“My mother is dead, and I don’t have a brother,” she insisted. “My father would have told me all of this if it were true.” It couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t. Shock and denial warred within her.
“It is. Our mother was a mage, our father a Taliath.”
“Our father a....” Alyx knew her mouth was open, but couldn’t seem to close it. Ladan spoke into the silence, his words not giving her the chance to think.
“Mages were being killed. Our parents were afraid we were in danger because of our bloodline. Our father... he thought we would be safe if he returned to court to live under the protection of the king, but mother disagreed, so she left.”
Alyx’s head was shaking in denial, and she couldn’t stop it. Ladan had stepped closer, his voice imploring her to believe him. It was too much. “My mother died. Papa told me she died.”
“It was decided we would be safer if everyone thought mother and I were dead.” Ladan paused and he looked away, clearly fighting distress. “You were five when we separated. I’d thought you would remember me, but our father obviously chose not to tell you I existed.”
“I don’t remember anything about my...” Alyx stopped dead, that cold feeling of dread she’d felt in Romas’ office creeping through her again, stronger this time. “Even when I try, it’s just fogginess, and it makes me sick if I try too hard.”
“I have no reason to lie to you.”
“You’re telling me that my father has lied to me my whole life?” she shouted, catching the attention of a passing apprentice. The young man gave them both an odd look as he walked by.
“Don’t you remember?” Ladan insisted, reaching out as if to grab and shake her, but checking himself as she stepped back. “That night on the boat? It was dark and raining. I was holding you safe while our parents argued. I didn’t know they were going to take you away from me—you cried when they did. Alyx, don’t you remember? I’m your big brother!”
“I...” She stared at him, searching his face for that memory. It wasn’t there. Either it had never happened, or...
“Our mother died when I was eleven, two years after we were separated. She didn’t tell me anything, all I know is what I remember, and I was too young to understand it all.” Frustration filled has face and voice and his shoulders sagged. “I don’t know why we had to be apart, Alyx, I don’t know why!”
“My father would have told me.” She clung to that, the only truth she could hold onto. He wouldn’t have lied to her.
“I’m sorry, Aly-girl. I’m so sorry.”
Ladan’s voice was heavy with regret, but his use of her nickname brought everything sharply into focus. Nobody knew that name, nobody but Cayr, Dashan and her father.
“How do you...?”
His lips curled in a faint smile. Alyx felt a jolt in her stomach at the expression on his face. She knew that look; somehow, somewhere she knew that brotherly smile of mixed protectiveness and affection. She didn’t remember having a brother, but she knew that look.
Alyx eyes filled with tears at the ache of familiarity. “Ladan?”
“I’d stay if I could. Please believe me, Alyx.” He stepped closer, reaching to touch her cheek. “If you ever need anything, I’m here for you. Goodbye.”
She stared after him, not knowing what to think or believe. In that one look, she’d felt a rush of longing for something she didn’t even know she’d had, but suddenly knew she’d been missing her whole life.
She ran across the fields to the dormitory hall and fled up the stairs to her room. Once the door closed, she began pacing, unable to sit still. Thoughts jumbled in her head, flashes of insight and realisation she didn’t want to understand. They were too strong, though, crashing through her instinctive walls of denial.
“Alyx?” The door opened to reveal a worried-looking Dawn. “We saw you run off. Is everything all right?”
“I think they stole my memories.” Alyx kept pacing, the words sp
illing out. “I get this weird sensation whenever I try and remember her, but never any other time. And the other night, I think I saw something, or heard something, but they took it from me.”
“Alyx, stop!” Dawn stepped in front of her. “What happened?”
“I can’t stop. I can’t be still. He knew my nickname, nobody knows that name. How does he know it?”
“I don’t understand what’s happening. If you can’t stop and talk to me, I’ll have to fetch a healer.” Dawn sounded frantic, but when Alyx sensed her telepathic power sending thoughts of calm, she pushed the girl away.
“Stay out of my head!”
“Alyx, please.”
It was the tears streaking down Dawn’s face that finally broke through the chaos in Alyx’s head. She stopped, leaning back against the cold stone and sliding slowly down to the floor.
“Did Dashan tell you my nickname? Maybe that’s how Ladan knew it.”
“I didn’t know you had one.”
Alyx watched as Dawn lowered herself to the floor a distance away, deliberately not getting too close.
“I got this strange feeling when I saw Romas the other day—it’s like a fogginess in my thoughts, and if I concentrate too much, it makes me sick.” Alyx struggled to be clear. “I’ve only ever felt it before when I tried to remember my mother. My father told me she died when I was five, but I have no memory of her at all, even though I feel like I should, because five is old enough to remember something.”
“You’ve mentioned that before,” Dawn said carefully. “Why do you think you suddenly felt it with Romas the other day?”
“The night of the attack, he wanted to see me when we got back. I don’t remember going there, just passing out on the way. It was the next time I saw him after that—the sensation was identical Dawn—and deep down I just knew. There’s a reason I can’t remember my mother.”
Dawn nodded, as if everything Alyx was saying were completely rational. “You were talking about Ladan when I first came in. How does he figure into all of this?”
“He’s leaving.” Alyx took a struggling breath. “He said....”
The tears wouldn’t be held back any longer. They poured down her face, accompanied by deep, heaving sobs.
She didn’t understand anything anymore. Her world was falling apart, shattered by horrible truths she didn’t want to accept. Her father loved her, she knew he loved her. She wanted him to take away everything Ladan had said. The thought of Cayr didn’t even give her comfort any more. He was too distant. With a wrench, she realised that she couldn’t even remember what he looked like in detail.
When Dawn shifted closer, a tentative arm reaching out to wrap around Alyx’s shoulders, Alyx turned into her, blindly seeking the comfort she was offering. And somewhere in there, in fits and starts amidst the sobs, she told Dawn what Ladan had said.
When, hours or minutes later, the sobs choked themselves out, Dawn squeezed her shoulders.
“I’m going to go down and tell the boys that you’re fine, so they stop worrying. Then I’m going to sneak us some food out of the kitchens and come back so we can sit here on this hard floor and talk all night if that’s what you’d like.”
Alyx nodded, rubbing at her gritty eyes.
“I won’t be long, Alyx. It’s going to be all right. I promise.”
Chapter 28
The following days weren’t easy. After her confrontation with Ladan and the events of the night of the attack, not even the prospect of seeing Cayr soon was comfort anymore. Alyx could barely summon the motivation to attend meals in the dining hall, let alone concentrate and participate properly in lessons. It felt like she was living inside a daze, everything going on around her a half-step slower than it should be.
Worry for Brynn occupied a large chunk of her thoughts. The searchers still hadn’t found a body, and both DarkSkull patrols continued to search fruitlessly for the initiate mage.
When not worrying over Brynn, she would obsess over what Ladan had told her. Was it possible Ladan was mistaken about who she was? She couldn’t think of any reason for him to lie about something like that, yet it was impossible to reconcile with her innate belief in her father. And what had Romas taken from her? What had happened that night? Eventually her head would begin to pound and she’d push all thoughts of Ladan and her father away.
When not thinking about either of those things, Alyx’s thoughts usually dwelled on how badly she just wanted to go home so that all the pain and fear would go away. When she felt particularly bad, she began to wonder whether going home really would fix anything, or if the fear and misery would follow her back there.
Amidst all of this, she made little headway with her newly-discovered magic. Now involved with the others in Howell’s Seventhday lessons, she tried unsuccessfully to summon her magic again. Howell was patient with her, but she knew deep down that she lacked the will to try. What if her magic burst out of her again and hurt somebody? She didn’t care about the fact she was a mage of the higher order, or that she supposedly had powerful magic at her disposal. That wasn’t the life she wanted.
The one bright spot was that both Galien and Fengel appeared to be temporarily leaving them alone. Alyx was still subjected to the dark looks and attempts to bully her in class, but neither made any attempt to speak with Alyx and her friends, or corner them alone.
“Just waiting until the attention on them dies down,” Finn said ominously.
“Finn, please,” Dawn chided her brother.
“He’s right,” Tarrick weighed in. “Losing Brynn made them look bad. They won’t want to risk further incurring the council’s anger for now. That doesn’t mean he’s stopped hating you, Alyx.”
Dawn pushed Alyx to talk to Howell about Ladan and her mother, but Alyx refused.
“I don’t trust him. I don’t trust any of them.”
“But he knew your mother, and it seems obvious he knows more about Ladan too.” Dawn was gentle but firm. “He might have answers that would put your mind at rest.”
“Or he might take more of my memories.”
“I haven’t told Finn about any of this, like you asked.” Dawn hesitated. “But I did ask him some questions and looked up books in the library. Technically, it’s possible for strong telepath mages to take thoughts from peoples’ minds. Stealing their memories, in effect.”
“So you believe me?”
“It would explain why you don’t remember your mother,” Dawn said carefully. “But it seems an extreme thing to do. If it is what happened... Alyx, it would indicate that Ladan told you the truth.”
Alyx shivered. “I know. And what happened the night of the attack that Romas had to take it from me?”
“Are you really sure—
“Absolutely certain.”
Dawn hesitated. “I ran into Jayn earlier today. She wanted to ask if we were all okay after what happened. She wanted to apologise, too.”
“For what?”
“She was one of the apprentices on guard at the tower we were sent to. She said they’d received orders from Rothai to patrol down the valley, that’s why they weren’t at the tower to light the signal fire. Apparently the local militia had picked up something unusual in the area and Rothai wanted the apprentices to check it out.”
“But they attacked from the north instead of the south, so the militia information must have been old.”
“I suppose.”
Alyx frowned. “You don’t think so.”
“I don’t know. I’m just uneasy about all of it. If Romas really did take some of your memories... and what happened to Brynn? If he got caught up in the fighting and was killed, they should have found a body.”
“If Brynn was alive, he would have made it back or been found by now,” Alyx said gently.
Tears welled in Dawn’s eyes, and Alyx felt the same rush of sadness. Reaching out, she took Dawn’s hand and squeezed.
“This code is hundreds of years old,” Finn said one evening as they studied out on th
e grass by the lake, soaking up the last remaining rays of sunlight for the day. “They still expect us to abide by it?”
“Absolutely,” Tarrick said. “The mage code is law. Nothing sits above it.”
“It’s strange, though,” Dawn said. “Look at this particular rule, ‘mages must not have relations, on threat of expulsion from the mage order.’”
“Relations?” Tarrick smirked, leaning over to look where Dawn was reading.
“Yes.” Finn smirked back.
Dawn looked intrigued; Alyx caught her glance and leaned over to look at the passage herself. She made an effort to give Dawn a half-smile before dropping her gaze and trying again to read the words on the page in front of her.
“Yes, I know what relations mean, Finn.” Tarrick rolled his eyes.
“That talk we had with mother and father was extremely uncomfortable.” Dawn shuddered at the memory. Alyx couldn’t help a smile at that, remembering her own awkward conversation with her father. It was a good thing Cayr wasn’t a mage, she thought.
“I think they were more worried about me going off and getting some poor girl pregnant, than your honour being besmirched.” Finn grimaced in shared memory. “But yes, let’s hope we never have to have that conversation with them again.”
“You and Cayr should know something about these ‘relations,’ right Alyx?” Tarrick asked with a grin.
Alyx heard her name and snapped out of the fog she’d been in. “What?”
“Seriously, are you paying any attention to us at all?”
“I’m trying to study,” she said. “I was concentrating.”
“Tarrick was saying that you and Cayr must have… you know?” Dawn said shyly.
Alyx felt herself turn almost as red as Dawn had been. “We’ve kissed a couple of times.”
“Yes, given both your positions, I imagine it wouldn’t have gone any further than that,” Tarrick said, sharing a knowing look with the other boy.
“Really, what’s it like?” Dawn asked.
Alyx caught the boys winking at each other, and sniffed. “That’s private.”
