by Cat Clarke
I didn’t answer straightaway. What had happened was already starting to seem unreal somehow. Alex wasn’t like that – I knew Alex. He was sorry. It wouldn’t happen again. He was really really sorry. ‘Can you forgive me?’ he asked again. He sounded so vulnerable and I knew that it would break him if I told him to leave.
‘I forgive you.’
*
No one spoke for a few seconds after I finished talking. I could hear Mum crying but I couldn’t allow myself to look at her. I felt guilty – of course I felt guilty. I knew it was wrong – the worst thing I had ever done, by a long way. But I would make it up to Mum by being the best daughter I could possibly be. I would start being serious about piano again and I’d stop whining about it. I would enter that stupid competition. I would cook at least three times a week and go to the shops to buy milk whenever she asked. I would mow the lawn and do all the vacuuming. I would study Music at university even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to and I would invite Mum to the end-of-term concert and she would be so proud. And maybe she would look back on this terrible thing that had happened (not happened) to her daughter and she would see it as a turning point – when her annoying, ungrateful daughter turned into a grown-up. She would never know that her annoying, ungrateful daughter had only turned into a grown-up to try to make up for an unforgivable lie.
I didn’t really think about Alex, which is really strange when you think about it. Alex had turned into a not-real person in my head. It was made easier by the fact that I didn’t know who Alex was anymore. As I was telling my story, I could almost see it in my head. I could almost believe that this thing had happened to me. That scared me. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.
*
Sergeant Tanaka asked more questions. Every time I thought there was nothing else she could possibly need to know she would ask another question. She wanted to know why I hadn’t gone to the police at the time. My answer wasn’t particularly great: ‘I loved him.’ She wanted to know what happened afterwards, whether our relationship had gone back to normal, whether anything like that had ever happened again. ‘Nothing.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ I was all talked out. I’d finished my glass of water over an hour ago but I didn’t feel like I could ask for another. PC Mason’s stomach made a loud gurgling noise and Tanaka shot him an annoyed look. By the time she asked about the end of our relationship I was stupefied from tiredness. Telling lies is a lot more exhausting that telling the truth. Finally here was something else I could be honest about – mostly. I had to omit the part about me being desperate to lose my virginity, but I told the bit about going round to Alex’s house on New Year’s Eve exactly as it happened.
‘And how did you feel, when you found out that Alex was a girl?’ I thought I could detect a hint of tiredness in Sergeant Tanaka’s voice too. We all wanted this to be over.
‘Upset.’
‘Upset?’
I’d been trying to be succinct. Clearly that wasn’t going to be good enough. ‘Shocked. Angry. It was … I couldn’t believe it.’
‘And up until that moment you had absolutely no idea? Even when you were … intimate.’
‘We weren’t intimate! She assaulted me.’ Tanaka held her hand up and nodded, which I suppose was meant to count as an apology. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? I didn’t know she was a girl! If I’d known that I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her. I wanted a boyfriend.’
Tanaka fiddled with the cuffs of her shirt. ‘Would it be fair to say you felt betrayed when you found out the truth?’
Betrayal. That word pretty much summed everything up – the anger and hurt and confusion. It was a word that could have been invented for a time like this – if this was a normal thing that happened to normal people. But I had to be careful here. Betrayal is one side of a razor-sharp blade; on the other side is revenge. People who are betrayed often want revenge and I could not be seen as someone wanting revenge. I shrugged as if I hadn’t really thought about it. ‘I don’t know … I suppose so, but mostly I was just really, really upset.’
Tanaka nodded slowly – sympathetically, almost. ‘I imagine it must have been very hard for you.’
This was not a question. I’d got used to her asking questions, so this had me stumped. I said nothing. The silence went on a little too long; I stared at the recording device and wondered what it would be like to listen to this conversation. Awkward, probably.
Tanaka cleared her throat and asked about what happened when I left Alex’s house. I was back on safe ground again and I could feel my shoulders relax slightly – hopefully not enough for anyone else to notice. It was nearly over.
‘Am I right in thinking that it was not your idea to inform us about the assault?’ No ‘alleged’ there. I wasn’t sure whether that meant anything or whether I was just driving myself up the wall trying to analyse her every word.
‘It hadn’t crossed my mind. Mum called you guys without me knowing.’
‘How did you feel when she found out that she’d done that?’
I looked over at Mum and she gave me a sad little smile. She knew this was an ordeal. ‘I was angry. I’d told her those things in confidence, and I never thought for a minute that it was a police matter.’
Tanaka’s eyebrows shot up. ‘You didn’t think sexual assault was a police matter?’
‘I wasn’t thinking of it like that – I wasn’t thinking much at all. And that thing with Alex had happened months ago so I suppose I didn’t realize that you could still … do something about it. It’s not like there’s any evidence, is there?’ I thought it definitely went in my favour, that I hadn’t been the one to call the police. I hadn’t asked for this to happen.
‘Plenty of sexual assault cases have been successfully prosecuted months, even years, after the event. Physical evidence isn’t always necessary to secure a conviction.’ Was I happy about that? Worried? I genuinely had no idea. ‘You are happy for this to go to court, aren’t you? You want Miss Banks to be prosecuted for this offence? In cases like these, the victim’s feelings are usually taken into account. Of course, you are a minor so we also ask your legal guardian …’
Mum snorted. ‘Of course she wants to prosecute! We both do. What that girl did was disgusting and she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.’ I nodded vaguely and said a very quiet ‘yes’. What Alex had done had been disgusting and she really shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.
Tanaka leaned towards the recording device and said, ‘Right. I think that just about wraps things up here. Kate, is there anything else you’d like to add? Anything at all?’
Tanaka looked at me. PC Mason looked at me. Mum looked at me. I couldn’t stand it; I had to close my eyes, just for a second. I could do it now, couldn’t I? I’m sorry. I made the whole thing up. It was an accident, honestly. I never expected Mum to call the police. I was scared. I didn’t want to get in trouble for wasting anyone’s time. And yes, maybe I did want to punish Alex for hurting me, but it’s all been blown out of proportion. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to go to prison for perjury or whatever it is so please, please can we just forget all about this? I’ve never done anything like this before and I never will again and I …
I opened my eyes; they were still looking. ‘Sorry. Dizzy spell. There’s nothing more I’d like to say. I just want this to be over with as soon as possible.’
A phone buzzed and both the officers checked their pockets. It was PC Mason’s. He apologized and left the room. Sergeant Tanaka turned off the recording device and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. We sat in silence. Mason’s voice was hushed so I wondered if it was his girlfriend calling to add something to that shopping list of his. Then he stuck his head round the door and gestured for Sergeant Tanaka to join him. She closed the door behind her. They must have been whispering because I couldn’t hear a thing. ‘Are you OK, love? Want me to get you some water?’ Mum whispered. I shook my head, answering both questions in one go.
Sergeant Tanaka came b
ack into the room first. PC Mason hovered in front of the radiator next to the door. Their faces were expressionless. ‘Well, it looks like you might have got your wish for this to be over soon.’ I looked at her and waited. ‘That was one of my colleagues down at the station. Apparently Miss Banks has confessed.’
I stopped breathing. Total incomprehension. Which must have shown on my face before I shut it down. ‘Oh,’ I said. Tanaka was watching me closely and I knew – for the first time that morning I really knew – that she wasn’t sure I was telling the truth. I wasn’t sure why or how, but she suspected me of lying. But now Alex had confessed and she probably wasn’t sure what to think anymore.
Alex had confessed. Why would she do that?
‘That’s good news, isn’t it?’ Mum didn’t sound entirely sure. Most of her legal expertise came from watching those two-hour dramas on ITV.
‘It means things will move much more quickly. The first hearing is already scheduled for Monday. Alex pleading guilty, coupled with Kate’s statement, should mean it’s fairly straightforward. Otherwise we would have been talking months before the case came to trial.’
‘She will go to prison, won’t she?’
Tanaka paused and looked at me before answering Mum’s question. ‘It’s not my place to say, Mrs McAllister, but it’s more than likely that Miss Banks will be sentenced to serve time in a Young Offenders Institution, yes.’
Alex was going to prison. Because of me.
chapter thirty-seven
Mum and I didn’t talk about it for the rest of the day. She’d tried to, briefly, as soon as the police left, but she saw that I was in a daze. ‘Take as much time as you need. I know this must be hard for you, but remember, you did the right thing.’ I shook my head but she continued, ‘It’s not just about punishment, you know. Maybe Alex will get the help she needs – there’s clearly something not right with her.’ She hugged me and stroked my hair and suggested I go for a lie down in my room and she would bring me a sandwich in a little while.
I hadn’t imagined the searching look Sergeant Tanaka had given me as she was leaving. She handed me her card and told me to call her if I remembered anything else that might be useful to the investigation. Anytime, day or night, she said. I wasn’t sure why she didn’t come right out and accuse me of lying – but I thought maybe the police had to be really careful in these situations. You can’t risk accusing a victim of sexual assault like that. Another layer of guilt wrapped around me when I thought about what would happen if anyone found out the truth. I would just be another example rolled out by those idiots who think that date rape doesn’t exist and that women lie about being raped when they regret having sex with someone.
A week ago my life had been perfect. But that had been a lie too. My relationship with Alex had been one of those movie facades that make you think you’re looking at a street in somewhere glamorous like New York or Paris, but if you take a closer look or see it from a different angle, you know you’ve been tricked. And then you look at it and can’t believe you didn’t see it straightaway. Everything was too perfect – the buildings were free from graffiti and there were no overflowing bins on the pavement.
What was Alex thinking, confessing to something she hadn’t done? I couldn’t think of a single possible reason for doing something like that. It was pure insanity. I should have been glad – it would mean I wouldn’t have to testify in court. I wouldn’t have to see her ever again. It meant that Sergeant Tanaka would have to forget about her suspicions; if the accuser and the accused said the same thing, why would anyone else have any reason to question it?
I wondered exactly what Alex had said to the police, because she had no way of knowing what I’d said. Unless they asked the questions in a certain way, giving her the information she needed to be able to lie convincingly. I didn’t think the police were allowed to do that though – ask leading questions, but maybe that was something I’d got from TV as well. Whatever she’d said, she’d somehow got them to believe her. I supposed the police were predisposed to thinking people were guilty anyway. No smoke without fire or something like that.
Alex must have been feeling guilty for lying to me – that was the only explanation I came up with after lying on my bed for over an hour. But if you’re feeling guilty about hurting someone you buy them flowers or a box of chocolates, you don’t lie to the police. You don’t risk going to prison just to show how sorry you are. No one in their right mind would ever do that. It made me wonder. Ever since that night Alex had been some sort of Disney villain in my head – someone whose sole purpose in life was to humiliate and destroy me. My love had turned to hate in an instant. The feelings I’d had for Alex, the ones that had built up message after message, day after day, kiss after kiss, had been hit by a wrecking ball the size of Jupiter. But what if she thought her feelings for me were real? And what if they hadn’t gone away? Would love be enough reason to lie?
*
Stella texted me late on Saturday night: ‘You should check Facebook.’ I don’t think I’d ever had a text from her that was emoji-free. I ignored the message at first. I could easily imagine the things people were saying – there was no point in looking. I didn’t need anything to make me feel worse than I already did. But when I was in bed an hour or so later, curiosity (inevitably) got the better of me.
It was worse than I thought. Astrid had somehow managed to find Alex on Facebook. Alex had obviously lied about not having a profile. I should have known. What kind of person isn’t on Facebook? I’d done a search for him (her) even before we met up – trawling through every single Alex Banks on there to no avail. Of course I hadn’t been looking for Alexandra Banks. Astrid must have been paying attention when we’d come home to find PC Banks on the doorstep, because I was almost certain I’d never told her Alex’s surname.
Astrid had posted the link to Alex’s profile page. You couldn’t see any information about her but you could see her photo. The same photo she had on the Saving Serenity forum – not quite looking at the camera, hair in front of her eyes. I’d stared at that photo for hours, until I could picture it in my head whenever I wanted to. I thought I could tell what kind of person Alex was, just from looking at that picture. He was kind and gentle. He was quiet and soulful and probably liked to read. He was exactly the kind of boy I would want as a boyfriend. And then we started chatting on the forum and every one of my hunches was proved correct and then reinforced when we met up in person. I’d only been wrong about one crucial detail.
Above the link, Astrid had written: Boy or girl? YOU decide!
She’d only posted it a couple of hours ago but there were already lots of comments. People were saying horrible, awful things about Alex. The cruelty was hard to comprehend. More than one person had suggested that Alex was intersex (these comments had more ‘likes’ than the rest of them combined). A few boys from school had written vile sexual things that made me feel sick. No one had stepped in to defend Alex, to suggest that maybe it was wrong to attack a stranger like this. Stella hadn’t commented; I wondered if she’d texted me out of kindness. There was no way of knowing without texting her back, and I wasn’t going to do that. She’d only report straight back to Astrid. I knew it would be killing Astrid, not getting a response out of me. It’s not very rewarding torturing someone who isn’t even paying attention. It wasn’t much but it was the only power I had and I wasn’t willing to give it up. The most likely scenario was that Astrid had told Stella to text me, just to make sure I’d see what she was up to. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing.
I looked at Alex’s photo again. Really looked. Was it obvious that she was a girl? If someone had shown me this picture and asked the question Astrid was asking, what would my answer have been?
Boy.
Girl.
Definitely a boy. A boy with features that were slightly more delicate than you might expect. There was a softness there – a certain fragility that you didn’t usually see on a boy’s face.
Definitely a girl. An androgynous girl, but a girl nonetheless. Her features weren’t in any way masculine, but there was something in the hunch of the shoulders, as well as a sense of not quite fitting in your own skin, that was reminiscent of the boys at school.
Was it possible that Alex was as confused as me? Maybe she wished she was a boy. Maybe she thought she’d been born in the wrong body. Or maybe she’d just realized that I’d assumed she was a boy and was too embarrassed to correct me. And perhaps it snowballed out of control too fast for her to do anything about it. Just like me with the police. But I had no way of knowing and there was nothing I could do about it now. We had both played our parts in this little drama and now there was nothing to do but wait and see how it was going to end.
I tried to hold on to the one thing I knew for sure. Alex had betrayed me. She had let me fall in love with her. Him. I’d fallen in love with him. A boy. Not a girl. If anything, it was getting harder rather than easier to keep that straight in my head.
*
My Facebook wall didn’t make for pleasant reading. You’d think these people had never heard that you could get prosecuted for online bullying. Not that I was going to tell the police or do anything about it. I’d wait until the fuss had died down before deleting my profile. I would go back to school on Monday and hold my head up high and let the looks and gossip wash over me, but I wouldn’t let them stick.
In a weird way, I felt sort of strong. These people meant nothing to me. If I had to walk to school by myself and have lunch myself and spend every minute of the school day by myself, that would be fine by me. I would come home straight after school and practise piano until my fingers ached. School friends were overrated anyway. The only thing I had in common with these people was that we happened to be born in the same year, so we were legally bound to spend five days a week in each other’s company until we were old enough to escape. I would be fine on my own. Absolutely fine.
