Phoebe looked into Jenna’s eyes for a hint that she knew, that this was her way of telling Phoebe that she suspected something. But her eyes flickered and she laughed and shrugged in an exaggerated way. ‘Sorry, I’m being self-indulgent. I’d better fix Harry something to eat or there’ll be an epic meltdown.’
Phoebe wanted to reach out and grab Jenna’s arm, shake it, and tell her that it was better to know the truth and endure its pain than to live in the shadows of lies. She thought back to her kind, warm-hearted sister and couldn’t imagine her knowingly inflicting pain on a woman as lovely as Jenna. And yet Phoebe had started an affair with Jez knowing it would crush Asha. Did it make any difference that Jenna was nicer than Asha? She had justified it in the name of true love, used Asha’s unkind nature to excuse her own selfishness. He would be happier with me, she’d told herself. Was this the same excuse Karin had used? Was it even an excuse?
‘Jez, you have a visitor. We’ve just put the kettle on,’ said Jenna, looking up from fixing a sandwich.
He was standing in the doorway behind her, wearing his work boots. Phoebe’s heart throttled to life as their eyes met. His flashed with alarm and then he looked away. What was he afraid of? That she’d told Jenna there had been something between Tommy and Karin? What exactly did Jez know about the whole ordeal now?
‘Just been helping a friend with his new bathroom,’ he said. He shot her another wary look. Phoebe wondered if Jenna had picked up on the tension but she was busy buttering bread, Harry clasped neatly around her calves.
‘Help yourself to a cuppa, Jez. I’m just fixing a sandwich for Harry. Can I make you one?’
He rubbed the back of his head. ‘Thanks, Jenna, but I’m going out again. Just needed to grab something.’ He hesitated and then turned to Phoebe, stiffly, as though his legs were made of stone. ‘What are you doing in Canberra?’
She could tell he was trying to be casual but it still came out sounding like an accusation.
‘Keeping me sane,’ said Jenna, her mouth half full of bread. Harry started fussing, so she picked him up and jammed a sandwich into his hand.
Jez’s eyes narrowed slightly and she could see a line of perspiration high on his brow.
‘Just here visiting a friend. And I thought I’d drop in to see if you’re okay.’
His eyes flickered with vulnerability but it was quickly replaced with something harder. ‘I’m fine,’ he said, his voice cool.
‘Oh, and how’s Asha going, Jez? Have you spoken to her?’ Jenna asked, concern in her eyes.
‘She’s okay.’ He paused. ‘She’s good. We spoke this morning. She’s at her brother’s. Flick’s been amazing helping her out, and I’ve been checking in on her a lot. I might go and see her tomorrow.’
The words slit Phoebe deep, as though he had sharpened them specially. He was getting her back for being here, for muddying things even more.
She gathered up her coat and keys. ‘Thanks for the cuppa. I’d better be getting back. I hope you get a better sleep tonight, Jenna.’ She could feel Jez’s eyes on her.
‘Thanks, lovely. Have a good drive back and we’ll probably see you on the weekend.’
No you won’t. There’s no way Tommy’s coming back to Driftwood.
In the car, Phoebe leaned back against the head rest and squeezed her eyes shut. There was a knock at the window and her eyes flew open. Jez’s face. She felt flustered and hot in the stuffy cabin of the car. She took a deep breath and lowered the window.
‘What are you doing here?’ His voice was strained and he looked behind, nervously.
‘I could ask you the same thing.’
‘What was I meant to do, Phoebe? Abandon my brother?’
‘He hasn’t told Jenna anything,’ she said.
‘Did you tell her?’ His voice was high-pitched.
‘Of course not, but he should.’
He shook his head and leaned closer. She could smell the musky heat of him and resented the effect it had on her. Up close he looked tired, the whites of his eyes pink-tinged. He lowered his voice. ‘They had an affair, okay?’ He shook his head again and ran his hands down his face. ‘He came clean to me.’
‘Oh my God.’ She gripped the steering wheel. She had the urge to punch the horn, blast something. ‘What about the—’
‘The note, I know. There’s a reason. He says he kept the note on his phone because it was sentimental. They had a fight. Karin wanted him to leave Jenna, and then she sent him the picture of the flowers, an apology, but . . .’ His voice trailed off. ‘Well, we know how it ended.’
It felt like all the blood in her body had rushed to her feet. ‘No, I don’t think we do, Jez. Did he see her before she killed herself? Did he talk to her? Was he there?’
He flicked her a look full of warning.
‘What happened?’ Her voice was tight with frustration.
He looked away. He wouldn’t meet her eyes. ‘I don’t know. He was pretty upset about it when he told me.’
‘So, he just decided to completely ignore the police investigation into her death.’
‘What was he supposed to do, Phoebe? Rock up and say, oh, hey, I was having an affair with her and she may have killed herself because I wouldn’t leave my wife for her?’
Phoebe hit the steering wheel hard, her skin smarting. ‘Yes, goddamn it. Yes! That’s what he should have done.’ She couldn’t see Jez’s face because her eyes were brimming with tears. She blinked them back so she could focus on him. His forehead was creased with worry.
‘He’s going to tell them,’ said Jez.
‘You’re goddamn right he’s going to tell them.’ She revved the engine to life. She needed to think. She needed to get away from here.
‘Are you sure you’re okay to drive?’
She felt a surge of anger rush through her and for an instant wanted to slap him. ‘What do you care?’
His brow contracted in hurt and she hated herself, but she went on. ‘Why didn’t you tell me when he told you they were together? And what the picture meant? You just left me waiting.’
‘I was afraid you’d do this. Tell Jenna.’
Phoebe’s voice was full of rage. ‘I didn’t tell her anything.’
‘I know.’
There was a pause and she wanted him to move his elbow from her car so she could leave.
‘He’ll tell her. He’ll tell the police,’ said Jez. ‘Please, just give him time.’
Her voice was cold now. ‘I don’t need to give Tommy anything. Can you move your arm, please?’
She drove away without looking back.
CHAPTER 27
The dreams had stopped. Phoebe hadn’t woken gasping, her skin damp, for two days. She found it hard to get to sleep but once she did it was a thick, dreamless slumber. There was some superstitious part of her that wondered, in the invisible spaces between logic, if the restless spirit that had woken her each night was more at peace now. Was it Karin’s spirit? Now that the truth about Tommy had been uncovered, had the spirit been placated? She didn’t believe such things, not really, not in the bright reality of day. But now it was deep night and she was awake. Not from a dream, though.
The noise, again. Tinny, like metal banging, from down near the river. She tiptoed past Camilla’s room, knowing she should wake her.
As soon as Phoebe had told Camilla that Tommy had admitted to the affair, her sister had grabbed her phone to call the police.
‘No.’ Phoebe had snatched the phone from her hand.
Camilla’s mouth opened in shock and then set into a grim line. ‘What are you doing, Phoebe?’
‘Jez promised me that Tommy would tell the police.’
‘What? You believed him? Tommy’s kept it a secret for a year and now you just believe he’ll go and tell them? I’m sure as hell he didn’t let that little fact of the affair slip when he was being questioned by the police.’
‘There’s Jenna to think about as well,’ Phoebe said, pleading with her eyes.
Camilla made a scoffing noise. ‘The sooner Jenna knows about this, the better. Her husband’s a cheating scumbag.’
‘I don’t think it’s that simple, Camilla.’
Her eyes narrowed and her voice dropped an octave. ‘Okay, so I’ve suspected it for a while. Now I know. Something’s going on, isn’t it?’
‘What do you mean?’ Phoebe took a step backwards.
‘Between you and Jez.’
Phoebe felt her face grow hot and Camilla sighed and shook her head. ‘You’re totally caught in the middle, aren’t you? You’re trying to protect Jez.’
Phoebe fought back the tears that were threatening. She was sick of crying. She shrugged and a strange and hopeless laugh came out of her. ‘Yes. I’m in love with him. So what do we do?’
Camilla had stepped towards Phoebe and put her arms around her shoulders. She smoothed her hair and then drew back to look in her eyes. ‘Okay, all right. We wait.’
Phoebe hesitated at Camilla’s door now. The moonlight cast a silver glow along her skin. She felt a rush of love for her younger sister. She’d abandoned her life to be here. Her children rang on the landline at night, crying for her to come home. And she would, soon, she promised. Phoebe could see the change in her. The hard edges had softened, melting away like the summer heat. Phoebe sensed that despite the drama, Camilla needed this time, this space. A novel lay next to her on the bedside table. It was, she said, the first time she’d read one in years. No, Phoebe wouldn’t wake her.
The clanging noise sounded again from down near the water. Camilla didn’t stir. It was probably nothing, probably coming from across the river. Phoebe would just get a glass of water and go back to bed. The moon drew long shadows across the kitchen floor and she drank thirstily, gazing out onto the river. It was a cold, still, autumn night. There was no wind in the trees, no ripples on the smooth mirror of water.
And then the sound again, louder, closer. It reverberated through her body. She stood very still, aware that her hands had become clammy. It sounded like the old metal fishing bucket being scraped along the jetty. Phoebe put the glass down and wrapped her dressing gown closer. A quiver of fear shimmied down her spine, but she opened the sliding door anyway.
The air was frigid on her hands and face and she blew into the cup of her palms. The humid smells of summer had muted now into something softer. A hint of eucalypt mixed with salt and woodfire smoke. She slipped on a pair of thongs, gasping as the freezing rubber met her skin. The dewy grass licked her ankles as she made her way down to the jetty. She shivered as she approached, her heart a noisy patter in her chest. There was a rustling in the bushes to her right and she jumped, her throat contracting in fright. She was being silly. It was probably just an animal moving the bucket around.
She looked back at the darkened house. She didn’t believe in spirits but standing here alone, the night a dark blanket around her, she sensed her. Not Karin, but the completeness of her absence. She was gone. Forever.
The blackness was suffocating and Phoebe fought the urge to return to the house. And then she saw a shadow fall across the jetty. She walked forward, careful that her footfalls were silent. She heard a splash as something entered the water and she ran to the line of trees flanking the river bank. There was someone in the water. Fear froze her and she watched as a figure moved deeper into the water. It was a man. At first she thought it was Jez, but the body was taller. All she could hear was the sound of her own panicked breathing.
‘Tommy?’ Her voice echoed across the water.
He turned and she saw his face. It looked twisted and thin, not like him. The hollow sadness of his eyes made her breath catch.
‘What do you want?’ His teeth were chattering, betraying him, but even now, waist-deep in freezing water, the heavy metal bucket tied around his waist, he seemed the same, calm Tommy. Only the slowness of his words, the slight sway of his body, indicated that he was drunk.
‘You should get out, Tommy, you’re drunk and it’s cold.’ There was too much desperation in her voice. She told herself to remain calm. She knew he wouldn’t respond to anything else.
‘Not going to happen.’ He kept walking deeper, the water now a silver ring around his waist, the bucket submerged.
‘Please, Tommy, come out.’ She stepped tentatively onto the jetty. ‘We’ll talk.’
‘I can’t. And you don’t want me to. Not really.’ He made a strangled sound, primal and awful. ‘I killed her, Phoebe. I killed her. Not in the way you think. Not making her commit suicide. She didn’t commit suicide.’
Phoebe’s head began to spin. She tried to get her bearings but everything was moving—the water had become the night sky, the sky the water. Everything was black, wherever she looked. She was going to be sick. She lay down, bent over the side of the jetty and retched the acrid contents of her stomach into the water.
Tommy’s voice had a hysterical note that frightened her. ‘You knew all along. All she wanted was my love, and I . . . I couldn’t.’ He was crying now, his sobs rasping and pathetic. ‘She made me choose and I got angry. So angry. I couldn’t . . . I couldn’t choose. I was too weak for her.’
Phoebe pulled herself up until she was on all fours. She could taste bile and blood and tears. Her whole body was shaking, her mind scrambling for traction. ‘What did you do, Tommy? Tell me what you did.’
He shook his head, his arms wrapped around his trembling torso. She had to strain to hear his voice over the water. ‘I haven’t told anyone. Not even Jez. Sometimes I feel like it wasn’t even me who did it. It was one of my cases. You detach. You don’t feel anything anymore. So much death.’
Phoebe willed her body to still, her voice to issue from her mouth. ‘Tommy, tell me what happened to Karin.’
She saw his eyes close. ‘It was an accident. We were right here, on the jetty. I didn’t mean for it to happen.’ He let out a whimper and stopped, and she thought for a horrible second that he wasn’t going to go on. His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘The photo on my phone that you found . . . We’d had a fight. She was saying sorry for how she’d pushed me to choose who to spend my birthday with. I’d had to be with Jenna and Harry. Harry was sick. But as soon as she texted me the flower note I left work and came straight down. She had a picnic set up on the jetty. It was beautiful. Everything she did was always so beautiful.
‘But then she said it was our last supper, that she couldn’t do it anymore. That it wasn’t fair to make me choose between her and my family all the time. She couldn’t keep lying to everyone, hurting everyone. I wanted to leave Jenna for her, but how could I leave Jenna with Harry? I couldn’t do it. I always said I would but I never could. I got angry with her. So angry for abandoning what we had. I wanted to keep her, Phoebe. I didn’t want her to leave me, I couldn’t bear it. She was the love of my life. But the look in her eyes . . . I could tell she’d already left me. It was over forever. I couldn’t handle it. And she tried to get past me.’ He paused and a groan came out of him.
A darkness rolled through Phoebe, the like of which she’d never felt. She could barely stand to look at his pathetic, shaking body.
‘I tried to stop her, Phoebe. I wouldn’t let her go and she slipped. I think she hit her head. And you know, she hadn’t swum since that day she nearly drowned right here. You were there. We were all there. And she must have been unconscious because she didn’t struggle. I saw her float down. Her eyes were closed. It’s haunted me, her face. And I could have gone in and pulled her out, but I didn’t. I didn’t. I just stood there until it was too late.’
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the world and Phoebe couldn’t get enough into her lungs. She dry-retched into the water again. When she found it, her voice was low and violent. ‘You let her die? How? How? How, Tommy?’
He shook his head and his hands went to cover his face. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know. I was shocked. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t let her go.’
‘But you lost her. You loved her and you let her
die. I knew.’ She hissed the word. ‘I dreamt it over and over again. I knew.’
His voice was emotionless when he spoke again. ‘So, you see, you need to go away now.’
A feeling, cold and thick like a hand, closed around her heart. Phoebe looked at him and felt disgust. She realised she wanted him to die. She wanted him gone from the earth. She wanted to have him feel the terror she saw in her sister’s eyes that day she nearly drowned in the river. She wanted his final feeling to be the suffocating ache of his lungs filling up with water. She felt nothing as she watched his chest go under.
The water was at his chin. He was in profile, the moon illuminating his face. He had the same strong, straight nose as his brother and for a second, a millisecond, she saw it. How things might have played out. Asha having the baby, Jez being a great dad but still in his heart loving Phoebe. And maybe they would have succumbed. Maybe they would have started an affair again, even while his child grew. And maybe too, Asha and Jez would have found peace enough to stay together for the child they both adored. And would Jez have left his family for her? Maybe he couldn’t have chosen, either. Maybe Jez loved her with such a need, such a violence, that he couldn’t have let her go. Maybe he could have made a split-second mistake. Maybe all of us had this same horrible weakness when it came to the thing we loved the most.
‘Tommy.’ She said his name softly and he turned to her. She had never seen such sadness on a human face.
‘I’ve lost everything,’ he said, his voice strangely normal now. ‘I’m not going to be able to be there for Harry or Jenna anyway now, so what’s the point?’
She knew she had a choice. It was the same choice Tommy had had when Karin fell in right here. If Phoebe stayed silent he would leave this world now. And how much she wanted him to go. She wanted him to feel pain, to suffer for his cowardice.
Then she closed her eyes and saw her—the woman from her dreams, underwater, eyes wide with sadness. She was struggling to breathe. She was dying. But her lips were moving. Those cold blue, ghostly lips that had whispered into her dreams. Phoebe knew the words they mouthed without hearing them. ‘I love him,’ the woman said.
The Lost Summers of Driftwood Page 27
