Many Americans ask me, “What can we do in the Middle East? How can we help?”
This is not an easy question to answer. And remember, this is not a book with real solutions. I am a satirist, at the end of the day, and I am not capable of giving you a fancy solution loaded with political jargon.
But I can tell you that whatever America is doing, it’s not working. The West is in love with this idea of dealing with “one entity” that can guarantee stability—whether this entity is a military regime, a strong Islamic political group, or a monarchy that uses religion to control its people. America supports those regimes for the fake promise of stability and to guarantee its own interests. But this stability comes with a price. For these regimes stability means the elimination of any form of free speech. The Middle East has been a dangerous place to ask any questions about religion or the military for the past sixty years. If you ask questions you are either a traitor, an infidel, or both. It’s like that Salafi who couldn’t handle my questioning on how Sharia is not compatible with modern life, or the pro-military people who couldn’t imagine that the army could lie to them about that AIDS cure.
Fact-checking the authorities is looked upon as a form of mutiny against the country or against God. They will always find a way to justify ridiculous claims. If you challenge those claims, you don’t like the country or you are misinformed by “mainstream media,” which is not telling you the “truth.” When I see Trump making things up, like claiming that Obama created ISIS, and people believe him and even claim that the media are covering it up, it is no different from what I saw at home. Whenever his supporters were faced with facts and reality they would simply tell you that this is the talk of liberal media who hate Trump and who hate America. Same as with military supporters in Egypt, whenever you give them a glimpse of how the real world outside views our regime as a pathetic joke they immediately tell you that it’s just part of a global conspiracy against Egypt.
This is a result of continuous infusion of hate, but before you hate you first need to fear. And this is what all these regimes in the Middle East, or even Trump in America or those pro-Brexit politicians in Britain are so good at. Fear has always been their best weapon. Fear of refugees, of people who don’t look like us, fear of “losing our religion and identity,” fear of war, and the destruction that will happen if you don’t blindly follow your dictator, or simply the fear arising from dealing with facts, reality, and science, because truth is not really their friend.
Satire is a great antidote to that fear mentality. When you laugh, you are not afraid anymore. Dictators are afraid of jokers. Laughing in the face of tyranny and fear disarms them in front of their supporters. Ridiculing them, making fun of them, and questioning their empty rhetoric exposes them and sends them running naked through the streets. They come back at you with all their might because it is much more than their image or dignity that they want to preserve: their legitimacy is at stake. That’s why they try to belittle you, bring you down, and destroy your image in front of their supporters.
They will call you a clown, a fool, and a joke. But in the process they are the ones who end up looking like clowns; they are the ones making fools out of themselves; and they are the ones turning into one big fat joke.
The irony of satire is that anyone who takes it too seriously automatically turns into the very clown they think they are fighting against.
So why do we have to go through this? Will a revolution ever work? That might be a bit more difficult than we thought. For one very good reason: money.
DO REVOLUTIONS REALLY WORK?
FROM TAHRIR TO OCCUPY WALL STREET: A BULLSHIT ANALYSIS
You had your own version of a little revolution when a bunch of young adults did a Tahrir-style sit-in at Wall Street. For a country that touts its freedoms and right to assembly, how did that go? Free speech in America is a lovely thing but can it alone change the monopoly of the banks and the corruption of big business and their strong lobbies in Congress?
Many are starting to recognize that American democracy is actually changing into an oligarchy. People are vocal about all the imperfections of the system and yet free speech alone might not even leave a dent in the problem, let alone fix it. When people get more physical, they get crushed by the militarization of their own police. That’s why the Occupy movement was looked upon as a bunch of crazy hippies who wanted to disrupt the system. Well, isn’t a revolution, by definition, disruption of the system?
You might ask, What does this have to do with the Egyptian Revolution?
Well, there are actually quite a few similarities. The revolution came to disrupt many interests. After sixty years of military rule, soldiers get too relaxed and found other battles to fight. Like the ultimate battle to fill their bank accounts. In Egypt over the past few decades the army became more of a private corporation. The details of their budget are kept secret. They control a huge chunk of the economy, including the monopolization of many industries. Considering they don’t pay taxes, customs, utilities, transportation costs, and even no decent salaries, since the soldiers are forcibly drafted and work as slaves in their factories, there is a huge amount of money filling their coffers.
The army in Egypt owns everything. They own the land, they own the resources, and they own the power to destroy your business if they want.
Over the past few years they went into all kinds of businesses, from construction to retail to mining. Nothing was off limits to the money-hungry generals.
They even have their own hotels, bakeries, and beauty centers. It is not uncommon to see a sign reading THE ARMED FORCES WELCOME YOU! SPECIAL RATES TODAY ON BRAZILIAN WAXING!
In 2016 the army announced the opening of its first ever private international middle and high school. The headmistress of the school said in an interview that although the school adopts the American educational system, she still believes that an American conspiracy is targeting Egypt. “There is a fortune teller in America whose prophecies all come true. He predicted that in one of the Arab countries [Egypt], there will be a president who pretends to represent Islam [Morsi], though he is far from it. And that the president who comes next would unite the Arab region and destroy the American economy. That president will have a name made up of two repeated syllables—he means SISI.”
When I openly talked about the army’s economy on Facebook, all hell broke loose. Every single media outlet was out there to get me. There was even a television poll asking people if I should be put on military trial for treason and executed. Well, that’s a comforting thought. I was a threat to them even when I was in exile and not active in Arab media.
The military didn’t mind having the Islamists come to power. As a matter of fact, the Muslim Brotherhood during their “honeymoon” period with the military were after anyone who remotely criticized the military. They were the perfect conservative and religious shield for the military’s interests. It was only when the Brotherhood wanted a bigger piece of the pie that the generals got pissed.
A revolution is not just about freedom of speech, but the ability to monitor authority and hold it accountable. When a revolution fails, whether in Tahrir Square or Wall Street, it’s always because someone doesn’t want to get caught. It is imperative that they keep their privilege of milking the goods of the country any way possible.
You have a more “chic” way of affecting the outcome of elections and rigging political control. You have lobbies, complex interest groups, gerrymandering, and Citizens United.
For us, that convoluted system is too costly, so we use religion, fake patriotism, and plain brutal force and oppression. We have no time to hypnotize people with sports, sex, and entertainment. And our leaders are too proud to give a margin of freedom so people can blow off steam and criticize them. When I think of the military junta that controls the country now I don’t think of them as generals or army officers who just want absolute power. I think of them as a bunch of businessmen in military uniform who will protect their economic in
terests with tanks and machine guns. As with most any corporate or government fiasco—follow the money trail and you’ll find the greedy turd sandwich causing all the problems.
Of course there are other reasons for failing revolutions and why dictatorship is a chronic disease in the Middle East. There are social, religious, sectarian, historical, and political reasons for that. But this is not that kind of book. For deeper and more accurate analyses go get one of those boring books published by Washington think tanks or political science departments in fancy Ivy League universities.
I don’t have the credentials or even the desire to be that deep!!!
Now let’s finish this goddamn book and try to leave you with a word of wisdom or something!
THE MIDDLE EAST DOES NOT HAVE NINE LIVES
Just when I thought I’d left the madness behind me, I came to America to find the Orange Menace taking over your country. Is it me? Am I bringing bad luck everywhere I go? Am I a dictator magnet?
My wife was sitting next to me as we watched Trump win. She looked at me with this incriminating stare, as if she was asking me, Is this what you brought me to?
Right between us was Nadia, our four-year-old daughter, sleeping and totally unaware of all that mess.
I looked at her and wondered if her beautiful brown skin and her curly black hair will cause her any trouble in this new country.
Did I move her from a country that would attempt to crush her will, independence, and free thought to a country that would judge her as an outsider, as an alien, as a threat?
So, America, I hope you do something about that Trump. Consider this book a warning for what is yet to come. Honestly, I am running out of places to go, and Canada is too fucking cold.
I couldn’t help but look back at the past five years, the turmoil I have gone through, and ask myself, was it really worth it?
The scene might look disturbing and the whole “Arab Spring” concept might look like it was a failure, a step backward, and an unnecessary disaster, but I don’t think I have any regrets. I have had an incredible journey. I went from being a heart surgeon to being the host of the most popular show in the region’s history. Our little one-hour weekly show exposed a whole system that was founded on fear and brutal force. I am flattered to see religious figures who were considered holy go after me. I feel tickled that military leaders were shaken to their core over a few cleverly written jokes. I managed to “get under the skin” of a baseless authority, even if it was just for a little while. In a society that is programmed to say “yes, master” I bucked the system and firmly said no. And I said it with a smirk and a wink and a nod—and that pissed the hell out of them. I did that hoping that my daughter will also follow suit. She will not be told what to do. She will grow up and if she chooses to say no it will be said without fear of being reprimanded or judged for it.
I might not be strong enough to continue to tell jokes against my oppressors right now, but maybe we were not meant to see the result or the victory that we hoped for. Maybe it was for another generation, for our children . . . for my daughter.
I see how my work inspired millions of young people around the Middle East to make their own contributions. With every video, vine, and meme, I see the youth using the Internet to challenge the hideous propaganda machine. They are finding ways to make fun of these brutal dictatorships, and in a small way I feel that my show is still going on. A revolution is not just an event, it is a long process. And the process might start with those young people losing respect for the establishments that controlled and brainwashed their parents through religion and fake nationalism. Those young people are questioning everything. Nothing is off limits and nothing is taboo anymore. Questioning in itself is a prequel to a revolution. The fall of the social, religious, and military idols that controlled the Middle East is already happening. Those idols are losing their most important asset, being respected and being revered. The young generation is not taking this bullshit again. They may rule for a while with fear and brutality but the respect is long gone. It is just a matter of time.
But again, I am no political analyst, no global thinker, and no credible source of information. And I don’t have to be any of those things to recognize that the Middle East still looks pretty messy. So now that I have some distance from my experience there and can put things into perspective, I can’t help but wonder: Was there ever any chance for the revolution to succeed? I mean, I still think it was worth it, but was there any hope at all?
And I found that the best way I can answer this question is through physics.
If you are familiar with quantum physics you might have heard of Schrödinger’s cat. This is a thought experiment in which a cat is placed in a metal box with a radioactive material and a capsule of poisonous gas. If the radioactive material decays, this will lead to the release of lethal gas that will kill the cat. But until you open the box, your knowledge of the cat’s fate is inconclusive. It could be dead, alive, or some other outcome your consciousness has yet to perceive. You won’t know until you open the box. This experiment opens the door to the idea of multiple universes with endless possibilities and scenarios. A universe with a live cat and a universe with a dead cat.
In our case, we could have had multiple scenarios, depending on power shifts and the intended or unintended consequences of each action. There could have been a multitude of universes with unlimited outcomes different from the one we are living in now. But I can firmly state that in all the possible outcomes for our universe, the one remaining constant is that the Arab world will always be fucked!
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
No one reads acknowledgments, but since you got this far you might as well know who contributed to this heinous piece of work and total waste of trees.
I have to start by thanking Robert Guinsler from Sterling Lord Literistic, who duped me into writing a book in my second language. I don’t know if he really believed in my story or just wanted to get his cut as a book agent. But, dude, the joke is on you, and this horrible book is now on your conscience forever.
I would like to thank HarperCollins for picking up this book to publish. For the life of me I don’t know why a prestigious establishment like you guys would risk their reputation for this. At HarperCollins I had the privilege of meeting real people. Yes, believe it or not they don’t have automated phone service. They have real human beings who actually guided me and who had to endure my horrible English and lack of creativity to produce this book. If you think the book is bad, you should have seen the earlier drafts. I was told that many quit their jobs at Harper, quit the book industry, and gave up on life when they had to review the book. Matthew Daddona, for a year you guided and edited this book. Thank you for your patience. Jeanie Lee and Karen Richardson, I don’t know who you are but I guess you were the last two copy editors standing who tried to make sense of what I wrote. I can only imagine how you were suffering while editing this book, as you witnessed your mother language being murdered over nearly three hundred pages by a Middle Easterner like me. Now that, my friends, is real terrorism. Thank you very much.
I wanted to thank Lara Thomas Ducey, a beautiful soul and human being who really helped to transform this book from a collection of primary school–level writings into something that could be almost passable for adult-age readers. Thank you for being patient and accommodating and above all for being an amazing friend.
I didn’t realize that getting original photos and obtaining permissions and licenses would be that hard. My friend Doaa Sultan from Egypt tracked down every photographer to get that out of their cold, dead hands. Thank you for all your lovely work.
Dear beautiful reader, I appreciate you being part of my journey within the pages of this book. It was a bittersweet experience for me to relive some of those events again. Thank you, my friend. I hope you didn’t regret paying for the damn thing, or that you can find a way to claim a tax deduction come April.
PHOTOS
THAT’S MY BRILLIANT TEAM BEHIND THE
MAKING OF THE SHOW. OH, AND IF YOU LOOK REALLY HARD, JON IS IN THERE. © Yehia El Zeiny
THE MIRACULOUS AIDS MACHINE. YES, IT WAS AN ATM-LIKE MACHINE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU GET RID OF AIDS, HEPATITIS C, PSORIASIS, DIABETES, AND WHATEVER BRAIN CELLS YOU HAD LEFT. THE PERSON DIRECTLY TO THE LEFT OF THE MACHINE, WEARING MILITARY ATTIRE AND A CAP, IS PROF. “DR.” ABDEL ATTI, A GENERAL IN THE MEDICAL CORP. © EgyptianTV
HOW IT LOOKED ON FILMING NIGHTS. CAIRO HAD NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE. ALSO, I HAVE A HUGE HEAD. © Sara Taksler
THE PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE I ANNOUNCED THE END OF THE SHOW. SOME PEOPLE WERE CRYING, SOME WERE HOLDING IT TOGETHER WITH A SMILE. I WAS ONE OF THE LATTER. © Yehia El Zeiny
MOMENTS AFTER PROTESTORS CROSSED THE BRIDGE INTO TAHRIR, OVERCOMING HUNDREDS OF SECURITY FORCES. © Khaled Abo Al Naga
SEASON 6, EPISODE 9, OF GAME OF THRONES, ALSO KNOWN AS THE “BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS,” ALSO KNOWN AS THE “DAY OF ANGER.” THIS WAS THE ULTIMATE STANDOFF BETWEEN THE EGYPTIAN SECURITY FORCES AND THE PROTESTORS. THE DEFEAT OF THE BLACK-DRESSED SOLDIERS AND THE RETREAT OF THE ARMORED VEHICLES MARKED A NEW ERA IN OUR HISTORY. FEAR WAS DEFEATED, TILL IT CAME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER. © Ahmed Al Masry
THE SQUARE, THE MOST GLORIOUS MOMENT IN RECENT EGYPTIAN HISTORY, AND THE BIGGEST TRAFFIC JAM IN RECENT HISTORY. © Khaled Abo Al Naga
Revolution for Dummies Page 22
