“You love the idea of having a boyfriend. I get it. I know you’ve lived a semi-sheltered life, but it was only because we were able to offer you a top-notch education. One day you’ll thank us for making those choices for you.”
I started thinking about my arguments with Parker. He always said that becoming a lawyer was my parent’s dream for me, not my own. I always refused to believe that, but as my father spoke I was beginning to take light of his words. My parents had pushed being a lawyer on me, for as long as I could remember. When I was ten he gave me a set of business cards with my name on them. I still had them in my closet somewhere.
The whole point was that he was never going to understand my feelings for Parker, or how it felt to be in love for the right reasons, instead of a good business choice. If my dad had his way he’d arrange my marriage, pawning me off on one of the younger partners.
“I do appreciate what you’ve both given me. This has nothing to do with that. I want to be with Parker, because I love him, whether you choose to believe that or not. I feel empty inside without him. I wish you could understand that.”
My mother wrapped her arms around me. “We do, but we also know that you’ll recover from this, and it will only improve the strong woman we’ve raised you to be.” As quick as she’d begun to comfort me her mood immediately adjusted. “I’ve got a brilliant idea. You should come with us next weekend to the lodge. It would do you good to get away.”
“Mom, I don’t feel like going to the Pocono’s. I’d be the third wheel.”
“Nonsense. There will be plenty of people with us. Half of the firm is going with their families. Perhaps you could even invite a girlfriend to come along.”
I shrugged, feeling sorry for myself as soon as she’d said it. “I don’t really have many female friends.”
“Well that needs to change. I think having a boyfriend certainly held you back from spreading your wings. I assumed by now you’d have joined a sorority.”
She must have had me confused with her other invisible daughter. “That’s never going to happen, mom. I’m not into all that kind of socializing. Besides, dad has made it clear that my studies come first. That would only be a distraction to the plan.” The plan had been drilled into my head every day of my life. I knew she was just trying to cheer me up from my recent heartbreak, but joining a sorority wasn’t the answer.
“That’s too bad. I’ll never forget my sisters from college.”
“I’m not you, mom. I’m going to keep my focus on school. It’s for the best. Maybe I’ll pick up an extra class in my free time.” It stressed me out to even consider it, but I knew it would occupy my time enough to relieve some of the worrying I’d been doing. I’d never felt so emotional, and I was afraid that it was going to lead me into a state of depression I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I couldn’t even remember feeling so lost in my life. It was becoming a travesty.
“You know what? I think I may take you up on that offer. Maybe a weekend away will do me some good.”
My mother clapped her hands together. “Perfect. Be here at four on Friday. We’ll pack up the car and head out. It’s going to be a great time. You’ll get to meet some of our best clients.”
I wasn’t thrilled that they were going to take my current state of depression as a sign from above that I wanted to mingle with people the firm represented. The only thing I was interested in doing was being with Parker, or learning how to let him go.
Chapter 10
Parker
It was difficult to focus on anything when I was occupied by my mistakes. Even after doing the right thing, I struggled with my decisions, knowing that the consequences had cost me dearly.
I’d avoided her at all costs, finding it easy since our schedules were usually on the opposite sides of the large campus. It wasn’t until the weekend arrived that I fought with myself over going to visit her.
That Saturday morning I sat in my bed, after tossing and turning for yet another night, fighting with myself to be a man and accept that I couldn’t change what had been done. Unfortunately, after being so restless, I knew there was only one type of drug that would help me.
Her name was Cameron.
I showered and dressed quickly, all the while contemplating what I was going to say to get her to forgive me. After my second shoe was on, I raced over to her dorm to find a note on her door.
Notes for Professor Stein’s class are located on www.penncollege/stein/notes20148789
Be back on Monday
I stopped the girl next door in the hallway. “Hey, do you have any idea where Cameron went?”
She shrugged. “How the hell would I know? She doesn’t speak to me.”
“Thanks anyway.” I watched her walk away before heading in the opposite direction to exit the building. Once I’d made it to the cafeteria, I knew I was going to have to reach out to her. There was no way I could go through another day without hearing her voice.
I waited until I was done eating to pull out my phone.
It rang four times before the voicemail picked up. She’d always answered my calls, so this worried me. I started to wonder if my decision had caused her to do something out of character, or even drastic. I’d never even considered that maybe she’d become so distraught that she’d become sick over it.
I dialed again, and just before the forth ring I heard her voice. “Hello?”
“Cam, it’s me. Are you alright? I went to your room and a note says you’re gone for the weekend.”
“I’m in the Poconos. Why? What’s wrong?”
“What are you there for?” I had to ask, since the last time we’d gone it had been for a romantic getaway.
“I came here to forget about you, Parker.” In the background I heard someone calling her name. The voice was male, and it wasn’t her father.
“So that’s how it’s goin’ to be? You’re just goin’ to move on?”
“Apparently so.”
The line went silent for a moment, but I knew she was still on the other end of the call. “Good luck with that.”
“Goodbye, Parker.” She didn’t wait for a reply before hanging up. Not only did it annoy me, but it left me wondering if she was there with someone else, so soon after our breakup. Even though it was completely out of character, it still consumed my thoughts. She obviously wasn’t planning on telling me, and it was apparent that she wasn’t alone. If this was some stunt to make me jealous, she would have rubbed it in my face, but instead she hadn’t. That could only mean that Cameron was there on her own free will. It was a definite kick to the gut.
For the rest of the morning I hung out at the frat house. Since moving there only a couple days ago, once the last guy finally moved his shit out, things had gotten easier. I no longer had such strict curfews, unless it was football season. My new room wasn’t in great shape. The last person who used it had banged holes in the walls, and scratched the old hardwood floor up to shit. I hung several posters, and even some pictures of Cameron and myself.
I was pissed, although probably more jealous. I finished up my game and headed in my room to rid my walls and tables of memories of us.
After ripping the first picture, I pulled another off the wall and flopped down on my mattress. In the photo, her hair hung halfway down her back. Her smile was so full, and in the background was the lodge that we’d stayed at. The picture was taken in the Poconos, just after a big snowstorm. She’d taken me there to ski, but we’d spent half of the time in bed, warm and cozy in the nude. She’d been so nervous about being with me, but this particular trip had changed that. It hadn’t been our first time together, while it was a turning point in our relationship. It was where she learned to trust me; a mistake that she probably now regretted.
The thought of her being there with someone else made my blood boil. The ultimate payback would be to enjoy the company of another man where we’d made memories together.
The longer I laid on my bed thinking about it, the more upset I became. By t
hree in the afternoon I was heading north. Hell or high water, I was finding her, and getting back what was mine all along. I wouldn’t let her move on without a fight, even if I had to tell her the awful truth about everything.
Cameron
Why did he have to call me? It felt like every time I took one step forward, I was falling two steps behind. As unfortunate as it was for my emotional state of mind, I knew it was important to make the best of my time away.
I turned and looked toward Seth Rodgers, a junior partner at my parent’s firm. He’d started his career with them as an intern, and finally made a name for himself within the company. On several occasions he’d made it very obvious that he’d found me attractive. I ignored his suggestions of having a relationship, until this very moment, when I desperately needed a distraction.
Seth wasn’t a bad looking guy. He had medium brown wavy hair that he wore longer on the top. His eyes, a cocoa in color, were always calm, no matter what the circumstance he was dealt with. I’d gotten to know him at my home, during a crucial trial when I was just sixteen. He and my parents were spending countless hours trying to go through boxes of files for a case.
Seth stayed with us for two weeks, as we combed through phone logs, bank statements, and even emails. My father thought it was good experience for me to learn the ins and outs of the business, so I worked alongside Seth. For me, it was easy to stay focused, even when Seth made it hard to concentrate. While my parents left the house to work on other business, we were left alone for hours. Obviously nothing major happened between us, albeit it wasn’t without effort on his part.
First came the staring. Then it was the countless advances.
One night, after I’d turned seventeen, I’d stopped by the office to meet my parents for dinner. They were stuck in a preliminary hearing, so I decided to wait for them there. Seth walked out of his office, spotting me straight away. He snickered to himself, held out his hand, and led me into his office.
I don’t know why I let him do it, or if I even wanted to, but he kissed me right there against his door. His hands lingered, and for a few minutes I considered letting him do more.
Since I was socially awkward, it was easy to push him away, and run out without an explanation. After that night he’d never tried to hit on me, until now. As soon as we’d arrived I spotted him at the bar. He turned and cocked his head to the side, letting his eyes linger from my head to toes. I could feel my cheeks blushing, realizing how uncomfortable it felt to be near my parents getting such inappropriate attention.
I immediately turned away, pretending that I’d never noticed, all the while thinking about that heated kiss he’d given me years ago, and how I was anxious to get my mind off of Parker.
Feeling like I was a strong enough woman now, I waited until we’d checked in and gotten our separate rooms before heading down to the bar. Much to my dismay, Seth wasn’t anywhere to be found. I’d declined dinner with my parents, on account of forging forward with my plan to get over Parker.
By the time I ordered my first drink I was having doubts. It was ridiculous for me to even contemplate hanging out with one man to rid myself of the pain I was in from another.
Just as I was turning to head up to my room my phone started to ring. “Hello?”
“Cam, it’s me. Where are you? I went to your room and a note says you’re gone for the weekend.” My heart began to race just hearing his voice. How dare he call and act like he cared, after hurting me so much.
I took a deep breath and stayed calm as I answered, just in case he wanted to make up. “I’m in the Poconos. Why? What’s wrong?”
“What are you there for?”
Did he really have a right to ask? I thought he didn’t care. Then I heard my named being called, and without turning around I knew who it was. Since Parker continued to torture me, I said the first thing that came to mind. “I came here to forget about you, Parker.”
“So that’s how it’s goin’ to be? You’re just goin’ to move on?” He obviously heard Seth talking to me. I was going to let him think I was forging forward.
“Apparently so.”
He didn’t say anything, so I knew I’d gotten under his skin. “Good luck with that.”
“Goodbye, Parker.” My hands were shaking as I ended the call, and I could feel the burning in my eyes when I turned to address Seth.
Chapter 11
Cameron
“Seth, I thought I saw you earlier.”
He put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes while smiling back at me. “It’s been a long time, Cameron. You look amazing.” Ten seconds, and I was already getting compliments.
“Thanks. You too.”
“So where’s this boyfriend your dad keeps complaining about? I hear he’s a jock.”
I didn’t want to think about Parker, or talk about him for that matter. My face contorted as I replied the best way I could. “It’s over.” I held my ground, determined to be strong. After all, I was an independent woman with a great future ahead of me. I’d been raised to hold my head high, never letting anything bring me down.
“Wow. When I first heard you had a boyfriend I wondered if it was because you wanted to get your father back for keeping you locked up for all those years. Looking at your face tells me that this guy meant something to you. I’m sorry to hear that. First love is hard to get over; I’m not going to lie.”
Seth was seven years older than me. He’d had relationships with beautiful women. “I appreciate that.” He waved to the barmaid for another round. I smiled and looked down at my hands, instantly becoming nervous, because he was insuring that I stuck around.
For someone that thought I wanted this, second thoughts were overwhelming me. I stuck my finger in my mouth, and began to chew on the nail. It was a bad habit that I only did when I was nervous. Seth waited until our drinks were served. He slid mine closer to me and pulled my hand away from my face. “Do I make you uneasy?”
I shook my head, even though he did make me feel on edge. “Of course not.”
“I’d never hurt you, Cameron. You know, I still think about that kiss. You’re a hard woman to forget.”
I wish Parker felt that way. Just thinking about him made me angry. I put on the best fake smile that I could conjure up. “You’re being too kind. I recall that kiss as your desperate attempt to get me to date you behind my father’s back.”
He took his hand and placed it over mine on the counter. “Had I known that you were about to run off and date the first guy to come around, I would have tried harder.”
We could sit here all night and argue about intentions, but the bottom line was that each second that passed was forcing me to rethink being around him at all. “Seth, you’ve known me for a long time, and you’ve never been a bullshitter. I knew you wanted me when I was still a teenager, but you respected my boundaries. I appreciate your attraction, and so I’m going to give it to you straight. I came here to forget about my boyfriend, albeit I realize it’s not going to happen. So I have a proposal for you. You can walk away knowing that I’m still not interested in being in a relationship with you, or you take me upstairs and help me temporarily forget how much pain I’m in. The choice is yours.” I gulped down the burning alcohol while I let Seth make a choice. This was going to be my last drink of the evening, whether we ended up in his room, or I was back in mine all alone.
Seth took his beverage into his hand and downed it all at once. He snickered as he sat it back down on the edge of the bar and turned to face me. Then he leaned in close to my ear. “I’m going to make you forget all about him.”
It was that very moment when I knew without a doubt I was going to go through with it. Desperation had led me to this point, and there was no turning back, when all I wanted to do was move forward. “What are you waiting for then? The way I see it, we’re just wasting time.” I couldn’t believe the words that were pouring out of my mouth. This was so out of character for me, and my drinks hadn’t been stiff enough to
cause me to be so blatant with my eagerness. It was my pain that was fueling me, and my need to alleviate it in any way possible.
For my own sake, I waited until we were in the elevator to speak again, on account not being in total control over what I was about to do. Did I really want to be intimate with another man? Could he actually make me forget everything about Parker that I loved so much? Was this man who knew me longer than Parker able to help me cope with the pain of my first breakup?
I was willing to find out.
I watched the numbers on the elevator climb, as the man behind me, whom I was about to sleep with remained silent. I think he was giving me the opportunity to puss out. Little did he know that I was frantic to get over my boyfriend. My despairing situation left me vulnerable, and that vulnerability left me accessible.
Seth was right. He’d waited a long time to be given the go-ahead, and I knew he was going to give it his all, because he wanted nothing more than to nail the boss’ daughter.
Whether it was some kind of attraction, or other motives all-together, my mind was only focused on my needs. I honestly didn’t care why Seth wanted me. By morning I’d have my answer. I’d know whether sleeping with him had helped or made things worse. Like everything in life, it was worth the try.
Parker
“What have I done? What have I done?” I kept repeating it out loud as if I were going to get an answer. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I don’t know why, but I assumed in the back of my mind that we’d eventually figure out a way to be together. I never, in a million years, would have thought my innocent girlfriend was in the mountains with another man. It made me wonder if she’d had a secret friend in her life that I’d never known about. I wondered if Cameron had her own set of secrets; except that made no sense. If she had she would have forgiven me for mine, instead of creating this trickle of events. I was frantically trying to calm down enough to rationalize with what had happened.
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