Oh shit!
I jumped out of bed and rushed for the phone. “Hello?”
“Parker, it’s me, mom. Your sister went to the hospital a couple hours ago. Her contractions are four minutes apart. I know she wanted you to be there for the birth. We’re all on our way now.”
“Crap. I’m comin’. I’ll be there in a couple hours. I don’t suppose you can tell her to cork it up until I get there?”
“Just be careful on the road, Parker. I’m sure she won’t care what time you arrive.”
Cameron sat up in my bed, finally realizing what was going on. I watched her jump up and start gathering her clothes. We weren’t naked, but we certainly weren’t decent enough to go out in public.
“We’ll see you soon, mom.”
I hung up the phone and handed it back to my frat buddy. “Thanks, man. Sorry about that.”
“It’s all good, dude.” He walked back down the steps, as I turned to put a shirt on. One hit me in the face. “Here. Put this one on,” Cameron ordered.
We raced down the road, ignoring my mother’s orders to take my time. I wanted to be there for my sister. It was a promise that I intended on keeping.
To be perfectly honest, I barely remember the drive. Cameron fell asleep almost immediately. She’d always been able to sleep in a car, where I’d never mastered the technique. Anyway, my mind was so focused on Peyton, almost like she was thinking about me, and I could feel it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but we’d always shared a special kind of connection. It’s the main reason why I knew I had to be there for her.
When I pulled up at the hospital I spotted my parent’s truck, Shayne’s vehicle, and even Jamey’s SUV. More family was probably there, not that I was worried about seeing anyone else.
Cameron looked at me as I put the car into park. “I’ve never seen a newborn before. It’s so exciting.”
I had to admire her innocence, and the fact that we were back together. When I got a chance I’d explain what went down to Shayne, just so he wouldn’t get worried. “I’m not a baby expert either, babe. I think the most important thing is that we’re there for Peyton.”
She reached over and grabbed my hand. “Thanks for bringing me along. It means a lot to me.”
I let out an air-filled laugh. “Cam, get used to it. I’m not lettin’ you go again.”
“Is that a promise?”
I nodded. “I reckon it is.”
It took us a while to figure out where the maternity ward was, and even longer to find a nurse to tell us what room my sister was in. Apparently it was a full moon, and every pregnant woman in the county was in labor. Okay maybe it wasn’t every pregnant woman in town, but it certainly was a whole lot of them. Doctors were running through the hallways from room to room.
I was surprised when we were welcomed into the delivery room. My family was packed in like sardines, including Jamey and his mother. He nodded as we came into the room, right before I noticed my brother. He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. “She’s been askin’ about you.”
I headed in the direction of my sister, who seemed to be fine at that moment. “Hey, you. I guess I made it.”
Peyton tried to smile, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. “Yeah, this little one’s givin’ me a fight.” Her smile was fake but I could tell she was excited.
“I guess when you start pushin’ they’ll kick us all out of here.”
“Hell no! You’re all stayin’. You don’t have to watch my crotch, but I want you here, Parker. I want everyone to share this with me.”
“You’re crazy. I’m not watchin’ that thing come out of you.” I was more afraid than grossed out. Babies scared the crap out of me. “Besides, I brought Cameron with me.”
Peyton turned her attention to my girlfriend. “Do you want to leave, Cam?”
“I can stay. Childbirth has always intrigued me.”
Of course my girlfriend would say something like that. “Seriously? You want to be in the room?”
Shayne and Jamey were in the corner talking, I gave them a desperate look, hoping they’d have my back, but I wasn’t even on their radar. I think my brother was trying to prepare Jamey for what was to come. When my sister started to complain, I knew I had to step away. The idea of it all was turning my stomach.
Chaos broke out as soon as the doctor came in the room and looked between my sister’s legs. I stayed up toward her head, hoping and praying that I wouldn’t see anything too graphic. I’d seen guys break their legs in half, whose bones came out of their skin, and it didn’t bother me as much as seeing my sister give birth. There was just something so horrifying about the whole ordeal.
Cameron hung out with my mother, coaxing Peyton as she began to push. Jamey walked over and held her hand, while me, Shayne and my father stood on the opposite side of the room. Jamey’s mother was behind the doctor, watching it all happen. I kept looking from Peyton to Cameron, watching how both reacted to what was happening. My sister screamed, even though I’d been told she had an epidural.
With all of the people in the room, I seemed to be the only one totally freaking out. Then came the blood. I saw it on the doctor’s gloves. Apparently when my sister would push, the head would come out, and then go back in again. I couldn’t even watch Peyton as she struggled to birth her child. Finally a slippery baby was being held up. “Congratulations, it’s a girl.” The nurses took the baby and started cleaning her up. I thought the worst was over. Just as I started to walk toward the door to use the bathroom I saw something coming out of my sister. It was like she had another baby in there. I covered my mouth and went running for the toilet. While the people in the room celebrated the birth of this new addition, I struggled with keeping the last thing I ate down. Even though I felt horrible about it, I couldn’t imagine going back out there and seeing anything else.
Shayne came into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. “I got lightheaded when the twins were born. It’s nothin’ you can prepare yourself for.”
“You could have warned me. What the fuck was that shit at the end? Is it normal? Is somethin’ wrong with her?”
He laughed at me. “It’s the afterbirth, brother. It’s normal. Peyton is goin’ to be fine. She did great. Her daughter is adorable.”
I splashed some water on my face. “Yeah, I need to congratulate her.”
“Come on. I’ll go with you.”
I followed my brother into the room of people and found my sister holding her newborn daughter. She was cleaned off, and wrapped in one of those receiving blankets. I only knew what they were called because she’d gotten a ton of them at her shower.
Once my brother took his turn holding her, everyone turned to me. Before I could refuse the offer, the little child was being put into my arms. All eyes were on me, including my parents.
I knew what they were thinking, and I couldn’t help but feel guilt as I looked down at my little niece. Her fingers were so tiny, and she was already alert, with her eyes open. It took my breath away, and it was in that moment when I finally realized just how precious this was. It was also in that moment where I knew I needed reprieve from all of the emotions that were consuming my thoughts. I had to hold it together, because my choice had already been made. I couldn’t go back in time and change my mind. What was done was done.
“Isn’t she perfect?” Peyton asked.
“Yeah, sis. You did real good. She’s as cute as a button.”
“Are you okay, Parker? Really, is this too much?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m here because I want to be. Don’t worry about me. This day is all about you and this little girl.”
“Her name is Lyla, Lyla Billings,” she corrected. I watched her turn to Jamey, giving him an innocent smile. They now had a daughter together; something that would bond them for life. It was just another reminder of how I’d fucked up in life.
Just as I turned to hand her back to my sister, I heard Cameron. “Do you mind if I have a turn?”
&nbs
p; Nothing could have prepared me for the way it made me feel to watch her hold that baby.
Chapter 16
Cameron
The baby in my arms was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, and it made me sad that I had to give her over to her daddy, who’d only got to hold her for a second before everyone started passing her around.
I wasn’t certain, but I got this vibe from Parker that something was wrong. It was as if he couldn’t wait to get out of that hospital room. Once we’d said our goodbyes, and agreed to stay at Peyton’s house for the night, we headed out. Parker never said a word until we reached the car. “That was intense.”
“It was amazing. I’ve never witnessed something so beautiful before.”
“Cam, it was disgustin’. All that blood; the pain she was in, it was all just too much. I can’t stand to see my sister like that.”
He was cute when he was freaked out. “The baby is perfect, and your sister is over the moon with excitement. I hope you know that.”
“Yeah, of course. Sorry, I’m not trying to upset anyone. I guess I’m not good with hospitals. There were so many people in the room, and I didn’t feel comfortable seein’ Peyton like that.”
“So you do think the baby’s cute?” I wanted to hear him admit it.
“Yeah, she’s adorable. My sister did good. Jamey seems like he’s excited. I admire him for steppin’ up and takin’ care of Peyton. For a while there I didn’t think he had it in him.”
“He loves your sister. Anyone can see that. Now they’re a family. It’s sweet. I hope one day we can have that.” I felt uncomfortable talking about the future when we’d just gotten back together. I suppose it was my way of questioning Parker without him being aware of it.
“We will. We’ve just got a lot to go through before we think about startin’ a family. If I’m signed I’ll be travelin’ all the time. You’ve got years of school left. We’ll just have to be patient. It would be nice if we could break the cycle and get married first. My brother and sister did it all backwards. Maybe my parents would respect me for stayin’ focused.”
I hated hearing how long I had to wait to start a family, especially considering the excitement I’d felt when I held that baby in my arms. “You seem like you have our lives all planned out. I don’t know whether to feel overwhelmed or relieved.”
He started pulling out of the hospital parking lot. The roads were empty since it was late at night, and even though I’d taken a nap, I still felt exhausted.
Parker reached over, taking my hand into his. “I’m awfully glad we’re goin’ to be together. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for pushin’ you away, babe. I’ve been dealin’ with some personal shit, and I never should have taken it out on you. You aren’t the problem.”
I knew I wasn’t allowed to ask what was. I’d promised him that I wouldn’t pry. As much as it killed me not knowing, our being together was more important. Many wouldn’t understand how I could even consider trusting him again, but for some reason I was still hopelessly devoted to him. If he said that we were going to be okay, I believed him, because it’s all I wanted.
Waking up next to Parker always made my mornings, especially when I knew we didn’t have to get up and get ready for class. While Parker slept soundly next to me, I made my way into the newly decorated nursery. It was a shame that the guest room had been converted since our last visit. We’d always had a place to crash when we came. Even though they had a sleeper sofa, it wasn’t exactly private since it was in the living room.
I glided my hands over the wooden crib, while looking inside to see all the cute stuffed animals. The baby was going to sleep in a bassinet in Peyton and Jamey’s room for the first couple of months, so the crib was basically not going to be used. I admired that they’d gone to such trouble getting it all set up. It only showed how excited they both were to become parents.
While standing there I felt something that I couldn’t explain.
It was stability.
I wanted to feel confident in my relationship with Parker. Just because we’d made up didn’t mean all was right with us. I think the excitement of him coming to the Poconos blinded me from being able to accept that we had problems. At some point I was going to have to address them, but now, after everything, I feared that even something as small as that would make me lose Parker for good.
I heard him walking around, and turned to see him standing in the doorway. “What are you doin’?”
I felt like I’d done something wrong. “Sorry. I was just checking out the décor. I still can’t stop thinking about the baby. She’s so tiny and fragile. The closest I’ve ever came to a baby before last night was a doll. It’s just so surreal how another can create life like that.”
“Babe, please don’t say you want to have a baby right now. I can’t even tell you how bad of an idea that would be.”
“I don’t. Give me some credit, Parker. I know what raising a child entails. Neither of us is in any position to do that. Besides, I think we need some time to recuperate our relationship before we jumped right into such an important decision, don’t you?”
“Yes.” After agreeing with me, Parker retreated to the bathroom. I knew that we’d planned on stopping by the hospital for a second time before heading back to school, so neither of us would miss classes the next morning.
Even though my mind was consumed with the baby, Parker didn’t mention her even once on the way over to see her. He didn’t really talk about anything except having to get the oil changed in my car. I found it odd that such an endearing moment with his family wouldn’t strike his desire to be a part of it. Even though we were going, he seemed so withdrawn.
It was clearer when we went into the room and saw the baby for the second time. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the little bundle, while Parker chatted with his sister and Jamey. When given the option to hold her, he flatly declined. What was equally more concerning for me was that Peyton didn’t even seem to question it.
It made no sense. They were twins, who’d shared a connection since the womb. How could he not be swooning over this beautiful baby?
It was difficult to say goodbye when he’d announced that we were leaving. More than anything I wanted to stick around, playing with her little fingers, and memorizing that sweet face. Once again, Parker said nothing as we started on our journey home. It finally got to a point where I felt uncomfortable.
“Are you going to tell me what’s up with you?”
“What do you mean?” He grabbed my hand and lifted it to his lips, as if nothing was wrong at all.
“You’re being too quiet, and you didn’t want to hold your niece. It’s weird.”
Parker looked at me for a second before turning his attention back to the road. I appreciated that he always liked to drive, but wondered if it was because I scared him when I got behind the wheel.
“Everything’s fine. I’m tired, that’s all. I’ve been drivin’ around all weekend.”
“That doesn’t explain why you wouldn’t hold Lyla.”
“I’m not good with babies, Cam. One day maybe that will change, but for now I feel uncomfortable.” He glanced at me, seeing firsthand what that statement had done to me. I felt so sad, like there was going to come a time when he said he didn’t want children at all. He would be going back on his word, and it hurt me. “Come on now, don’t get all upset. Just because I’m not ready to be a dad doesn’t mean I don’t want kids. One day I promise I’ll be ready. Besides, when it’s our kids I won’t want to let them go.”
That made me perk right up; and I began wondering if I was also a little too tired to be concerned about his actions. We’d been on the road more than usual, and the added stress of Friday night was really hard on both of us. I didn’t have to remind myself that Parker was a good man, because I knew he was.
I closed my eyes shortly after our conversation, content with knowing that someday we’d have a family. As my body dozed off my t
houghts were of a fantasy that I’d built in my mind, a daydream of sorts. Parker was a loving husband. I was a lawyer, of course. We had three children, one of which was a little girl. She had his bright blue eyes, and a set of sugar-bowl dimples. Her blonde hair was full of ringlet curls, and they bounced as she ran to jump into his arms. His hug was the most beautiful act of love that I’d ever witnessed, and I suddenly felt complete inside, like there was nothing more I could ever want for.
I knew it was just an envious fantasy that I’d concocted in my head, but it felt so real. I wanted that life, and someday we’d make it happen.
Chapter 17
Parker
Last night when Cameron had held little Lyla, my dad pulled me aside to whisper his opinions in my ear. He made it clear that watching me hold the baby made him angry inside, because I’d given up my own. After feeling so emotional over holding her, I knew I couldn’t let myself feel that again.
All I was to my dad was a disappointment, and this new addition to our family made it more obvious.
I would have liked to been able to spend more time with my sister, but knew it was best if we left before things got intense. Shayne seemed fine about me bringing Cameron back into my life, and with his approval alone; it was enough progress for me with this visit.
Even after I’d gotten halfway back to campus there was one thing on my mind. Cameron seemed to be crazy about the baby. I’d never seen her so captivated by anything before. I knew she’d never been around many little children, so it was all a new experience, but seeing her standing in the nursery was an eye-opener. I didn’t want her getting some crazy notion to go off her birth control pills and see what would come of it. She needed to know that having a baby with me right now was the worst mistake of her life. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what my family would do if that happened.
I felt content when she fell asleep, leaving me to a quiet car to calm my nerves. I knew it was just excitement getting her all worked up, but it still worried me enough to where I couldn’t clear my head.
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