We ate in silence, and I washed up the few plates.
“I’m going to rest for the day,” he said, drifting through the kitchen.
“It’s only one in the afternoon.”
He turned to me. His face looked aged, no longer well-worn, but like cracked rust. “Is there something you’d like to do?”
“No. I’ll head back to base.”
He nodded. “Yes, that’s for the best. You can work on getting our weapons with renewed vigor now.”
I wasn’t even in the armory today. It was my last day of partial duty. Starting tomorrow, I’d be back to full capacity. It would mean little time at my desk position and even less time off.
It was good. I had no idea what to do but my duties anymore.
I turned to finish the dishes. Behind, my father shuffled off towards the stairs, but then I heard him stop.
I glanced back to see him lift a piece of paper. He ran a finger along what lay underneath. Then he continued on his way.
I waited until he was clomping up the stairs, then went to check what he’d touch. He had enough photos of my mother around the house, though another would be no surprise.
I lifted the sheet. It wasn’t my mother.
It was Vaughn.
He stood against some curtains in the house, wearing his Storm’s Soldiers jacket, his palm resting on a ‘White Pride’ banner. The picture had been taken poorly. His eyes glowed red. His lean, muscular face looked weak and wolfish. His jacket looked cheap.
I could not stop looking at it.
Once, I had seen this face almost every day, peering up at mine asking for help. He had eventually grown level with me, but even then he had looked to me for what to do.
Once I had protected my brother from my father’s grief. I had not let him into my father’s room the entire month he lay on the bed.
Then, I stopped. I became a conduit for what my father’s grief turned into. I passed it on unfiltered, made Vaughn listen instead of protecting him. The cause became the only thing uniting us.
My throat felt like it had been shredded. I wanted to swallow, but I didn’t. It could set off something I couldn’t control.
I covered the picture and stepped far away. My father visited it here like Vaughn was buried. But Vaughn wasn’t dead. He was out there.
And despite the way he had left. Despite how my father had raged at Vaughn, he could not let his son go completely.
Only family had that effect. You might disagree with who they’d become. But you stood by them, you did things for them that you didn’t believe in yourself.
I would not abandon my father to this empty house full of sorrow, to the grief of this day. But for the first time, I let myself realize the truth:
White nationalism was truly his cause. Not mine.
****
I ate at the mess hall because I had nowhere else to go. Raynor was seated already, and he waved me over like I was a jet landing on an aircraft carrier. I had seen too much darkness today to handle his face in rejection, so I went over.
“Hey man.” He clasped my hand and tried to pull me in, but just ended up rising a bit. “Where you been?”
“It’s my day off,” I said.
“Right, right.” He whistled and shook his head. “Man, it’s been wild here, let me tell ya.”
I plugged my mouth with Salisbury steak and let Raynor talk about his day. Apparently, it was just a lot of training. The challenge seemed to stem entirely from keeping his mouth shut about his racial opinions during it.
His voice drifted off, and I knew my peace was at an end.
“So this next operation’s going down in a couple days right?” he asked, staring out in some misguided attempt to conceal our obvious conversation.
“We’ll see,” I said.
“Oh shit, is something wrong?”
“It just doesn’t seem smart right now.”
“Too dangerous, huh?”
I gave him a long, somber look. “Right.”
“Aw, damn. The guys were really looking to get involved quick.”
“What guys?’
He beckoned to someone with his hands. Suddenly, three other privates were clattering plates down around me. They were all like Raynor: lanky, milky-pale teenagers. I felt like a drug dealer in a high school.
“Sup fellas,” Raynor said. “This is our top man here. Our Afghan war-hardened Aryan.”
“Yo, it’s an honor, man.” The kid across from me slung out his hand. His face was lean and hungry. It reminded me a lot of Vaughn.
I clapped Raynor on the back. “I need to take care of some other thing,” I said. “I have to go.”
“Oh, yeah, sure, man.” Raynor was flailing around. “Of course, of course. Sorry for springing it on you.”
“It’s fine.” I rose with my food. “Carry on, privates.” I tipped my head at them.
They might have been swearing at me behind my back, but I didn’t care. The hall was full of empty tables and I looked for one quiet and far away. Then, I spotted a more interesting option.
I took my tray over to the seat across from Dennis. His face was calm as polished wood and his eyes were half shut. He seemed lost in the bliss of his food.
“This seat open?” I asked.
Dennis looked up, mouth full, like a startled chipmunk.
“Sure…” he said.
I sat down and continued eating. I didn’t have anything to say. Dennis would understand. He had been in combat. He knew that being in the presence of the right people was enough of a relief.
After a while though, he spoke up. “Everything going ok?”
“Ok enough.”
“So why are you here?”
I looked up with a fork to my mouth. “To eat.”
“But with me?” He glanced over my shoulder. “What about your boys back there?”
My hands trembled. Was I getting rejected here too? I had earned it, but I thought our bond went deeper.
“They’re not my boys,” I said. “Where’d you hear that?”
Dennis barked out a laugh. “Man, every black and brown fool here knows the crowd you run with.”
“It’s that obvious?”
“Not you. That kid that follows you always run his mouth off though. It ain’t hard to put two and two together.”
I sighed. “I really wish they’d stop following me.”
Dennis laughed and forked in some green beans. “Guess you just got that primo Aryan look to you.”
“I’m not blond,” I said.
“No.” He looked me over and shook his head. “I got a cousin who does hair though. He can fix that right up.”
I chuckled. “I don’t get it. If you knew, why don’t you treat me like shit? Fuck, you even stood up to Montego for me.”
“Hey, I will stand up for any nazi-ass white boy against an MP, alright? Short of, you know, actual murder and genocide. That’s the soldier’s code.”
“Hoo-ah,” I said, still smiling. “That’s quite a code you got there.”
Dennis’s beaming face suddenly went very flat. “It’s a new one, you know. It’s one I’ve had time to make while I was recovering back in the VA med center north of the city.”
I swallowed my food and squared myself. I had never known what happened to Dennis after he was evacuated, only that he survived.
“That’s where you were rehabilitated?” I asked.
He nodded heavily. “Rehabilitated, because someone didn’t let me die.”
I said nothing for a while, then shrugged. “I’m glad you didn’t.”
Dennis rolled his eyes. “Glad, my ass. Man, you like to be all fucking cool, don’t you? I’m saying I owe you my life.”
I swallowed hard. “You don’t owe me shit, private.”
“Yeah, I know that, too. But I do owe you a chance to break bread.” He forked another piece of meat into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “So you want to know why I don’t treat you bad cause of who you are? Cause when it came
down to it, you did the same damn thing for me.”
My mood was flying all over the place today. I couldn’t do anything more than put food silently in my mouth for a while. Maybe by body always knew deep down what I’d always been too dumb to admit. Even as the Soldiers descended into naked racism and violence, I had stayed clean.
But my words could not be so easily forgiven.
“I don’t know, man,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve hurt people. Words can be harsher than a fist or a blade.”
Dennis shrugged. “Maybe, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve never said any to me. Actions, they always speak the truth if you see them enough. And I’ve seen enough of who you are to know you’re a guy to be trusted.”
It was hard eating at all after that.
Instead I wondered how I could ever show Rosa. She said she wanted just words, but I owed her more than a yes or no. I owed her penance.
Even if she never took me back, she had let me see who I’d become. For that, I owed her everything.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Rosa
I fastened the belt on my cream-white polo dress and twisted this way and that to see myself in the mirror.
I’d tried on a few things, but this one was perfect. My waist wasn’t especially dainty, but my chest and thighs swelled out enough under it. The white was warm enough to contrast my rich skin, and it didn’t look bleached with my pitch-black hair above it.
Most of all, the dress made me look sweet.
That was the effect I wanted. Looking at me in this, you’d never guess I was born in a poor country, or lost my father, or was a gangster girl who kept dating rough guys for far too long. I looked like I could have stepped out of Grease - well, other than the fact everyone in it was Barbie and Ken white.
I sieved my hair until it fell down straight, put on a bit of foundation and just a smidge of eyeliner. I wanted to look good, but I didn’t want to be too bold. A tonight would be the most I’d allow tonight. It wasn’t like I was in any rush to jump Lem.
I laughed at the idea of holding back from a guy. Could I really be this girl? I’d already picked up the pieces on most of my life. This might just be the last bit of me I had left to redeem.
It was the deepest and darkest part of me though. Just the thought had me seeing Papá again, turning and clutching and falling.
I clapped the sides of my head, and the thought faded. It had been a strange week. Time to go try to relax.
I clipped downstairs in heels, careful to hold the railings. Mamá sat on a living room couch in her usual nightgown, knitting something with her eyes glued to CNN. She peeked back at me and clicked her tongue.
“Ah, mija, you look so beautiful. Elsa, look at how your sister is dressing.”
I realized that my sister was buried in the far couch, her dark sweatpants blending into the plush cushions. She looked up from her phone, and even smiled a little. “Not bad.”
“Thanks, pepita.”
I smiled warmly at her, even as she went right back to the screen. She could be sexting whoever she wanted, but if she was home on a weekend night, then it couldn’t be that serious. Maybe my good behavior was already having an effect.
I called an Uber and went to get a glass of water before it came. I caught another reflection of myself in the darkened window, my skin only faintly visible against the darkness. I looked so serious. I tried to smile, but then only my teeth and eyes showed in a Cheshire-cat grin.
I needed to loosen up. This was supposed to be a fun night. I was only trying to see if I could enjoy myself around someone different.
Mamá came up to me. I let her grip my shoulders and turn me around. She had such strength in her to raise two daughters alone. I hadn’t made her life easy.
She beamed up at me, and my eyes suddenly felt moist. Ugh, what was making me so damn sentimental these days?
I blinked and made a face. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing. You look so much like an adult.”
“I am an adult.”
“Ah, that is just a word. Adult or not, it matters who you ask. But I am your mother, you can’t trick me just by putting on clothes, Mija.”
“I’ve always had these clothes.”
“But today they are a costume. They are for someone else. You are trying to put on a show right?”
My head went red hot at the thought of giving Lem a show. She hadn’t meant it that way, but the idea didn’t sit easy at all once stirred up.
“I just want to look a bit classy.”
“You want to look like you know who you should be.”
There was a sudden clarity in her eyes. Maybe it was always there, but I was just seeing it now.
“Yes,” I said.
Mama shook her head. “You will never be just one person, Mija. Life will keep changing you. Being adult means maybe this change slows down, but it never stops.”
“Oh.”
“There is still big changes left for you.” She wagged a finger in my face. “But that doesn’t mean you should force them.”
I nudged out of her remaining grip. “I’m not forcing anything.”
“I thought you say you didn’t like this doctor?” she said. “So why are you doing this? Why are you going out with him?”
“I…it can’t hurt to just see if there’s something more there.”
“Pfft.” She waved her hand. “You girls don’t know romance anymore. You think I had to force anything with your father? I knew he was the man I would marry the moment I saw him.”
“Aw.” My heart warmed remembering old pictures of the two of them together. They really had been a perfect couple. “But Dad was a great guy. I don’t really go for great guys.”
“You think my family thought he was a great guy? He was only a student, and with such dark skin. I know, I know, it is not good to admit, but my family did not like him at all for this.”
“I think the issues with my guys run deeper than skin, Mamá.”
She smiled and shook my head. “All I am saying is that it is for you to judge. Don’t do anything for me, or anyone else. Only you can make this decision. I thought this doctor would be good for you, but if on one date, he doesn’t have your heart, then maybe you should trust it.”
My phone buzzed.
“Ride’s here, Mamá.” I wrapped her in a hug. “Thanks for such great parting words.”
“Ah, I meant after your date tonight, Mija. Lunch date does not count anyway.”
I hustled out into the dark sedan waiting for me. I texted the driver the restaurant name and we ground away from my street.
Mamá’s words were more of a relief than she knew. I wasn’t doing this date for her, but now I could admit it wasn’t necessarily for me either. It was for some hypothetical future version of me, some classier version that liked what Lem stood for and enjoyed his company.
Maybe I’d get there, maybe I’d become that person, but now I felt less obligated. All I knew is I couldn’t stay who I was - this woman who expected the world to go wrong. This girl who feared danger so much that she surrounded herself with men that dealt it, instead.
Maybe Calix had even been a step forward in that change. He had been deeply messed up inside, but the outside wasn’t just a tough guy act. He had at least been sweet to me with his words, if not his thoughts.
And Lem wasn’t so far from my type either. He had fought for me. Not a street fight, but in a situation even more serious and dangerous. That’s what got me thinking about him again, after all. Maybe I was closer to my perfect match than I thought.
In any case, it was just a date.
My ride dropped me off in front of a fancy Italian place. Lem would be paying. I didn’t like the way it tipped things in his favor, but I guess I’d have to give myself a chance to get used to it.
The insides were steeped in luxury: swirling blue and green carpeting, textured cream walls and elegant, modern chandeliers tastefully spaced above to produce pockets of light and dark. The chic brun
ette hostess led me to a small table in back, under one of the cones of light.
Lem rose and beamed as we approached. He was dressed in a dark blazer and tan slacks. He looked good, but made me feel woefully underdressed.
“You look gorgeous,” he said. He took my hand, and kissed my cheek before seating me.
“Wow,” I said. “How gentlemanly.”
“Well, I try.” He laughed and spread his napkin across his lap.
I laughed, too, but it sounded a bit forced.
Relax, Rosa, I told myself and picked up the menu card. The main courses were set and even the desert only had a couple options.
“This place is too nice, Lem,” I said, eyeing the cursive font. “You didn’t have to go all out.”
“Oh, this is far from all out. Stick me with me and you’ll see how crazy it can get.”
I laughed nervously, taking another long sweep at the place. Yeah, some people could definitely get used to this being their casual dining-out experience, but could I? Why was it so hard to imagine myself bathed in luxury? Did I deserve it less than anyone else?
The waiter - no, the sommelier - came and took our wine orders. I let Lem pick one for me.
“So I imagine this week’s gone by a lot smoother than the ones before,” he said.
“You mean, with my case gone?”
“Oh, what else? Ah, right, Mr. Black.” He chuckled. “No, I meant your case being dismissed, nothing more.”
I studied his smile. I was sure he understood that I had ended things with Calix, so why was he pretending that wasn’t what he meant? He already had me here, and yet he still seemed to have a mask on.
“The week was good,” I said. “Not having that case hanging over my head is a big relief. Thank you for that.”
He indicated at the menu, “Your being here is thanks enough.”
“That’s not the only reason I’m here, you know. I’m just trying to see if there’s still a chance we can find ourselves compatible.”
Lem tilted forward on his elbows. “So you would really have wanted to see me if I hadn’t helped you out?”
“Yeah.” I fought back the urge to blink. “I would.”
He sat back. “Alright, that’s wonderful to hear.”
Little Dark Secret (Storm's Soldier Book 2) Page 6
