by S. K Munt
‘I um… the girl?’ He looked up at the falls, to the very top. They were nearing the place where the water was the roughest, streaming close enough to reach out and touch, and yet Ryan did not have to raise his voice for Leigh to hear his confession clearly: ‘I think she was my soul-mate.’ He raked his teeth over his lower lip and shook his head. ‘And I think I left her.’
Leigh sucked in a breath. ‘How could you possibly know that, but nothing else?’
‘Because I have one clear memory from before- just one. The dreams could be bullshit but this…’ he sighed. ‘I’ve never told anyone this okay? So it’s between you and me if I do now.’
Leigh swallowed, then nodded. ‘Of course.’
Ryan did not take his eyes from the top of Horseshoe Falls. ‘It wasn’t a kayaking accident, Leigh. I jumped. I don’t know why, but I think I jumped for her, and I was actually happy to do it. I remember falling all the way down, but when I woke up, I was happy like, I’d done what I needed to do, to make her happy.
The wet blanket descended over them both, and as the solitary tear slid down Ryan Weaver’s perfect cheek, Leigh understood that this man was as untouchable to her as the one between the pages had always been. She was shaken, jealous, shocked and awed, but through all that, she understood something else too… something that she’d suspected earlier when he’d quoted the book at her without having opened the cover. ‘Ryan?’
‘Yeah?’ his voice was as fractured as her heart felt.
‘I think you need to read that book, and then track down the author.’ She tapped the book. ‘Because that’s what he did.’
Ryan sagged over the railing and moaned into his folded arms. Leigh wanted to reach out and touch him and offer comfort, but she couldn’t. He wasn’t going to feel like paper to her touch, and she had to close the book on her desire to touch him because if he’d had a Kylie too, than Leigh would never be anything to him, but a fan who got paper cuts on her heart, for the love of a fantasy.
‘What’s going on?’ Ryan whispered.
Leigh had no idea. But she knew that she had to step out of the story, before she became as bound to him, as the fictional Ryan had been to Kylie and went over the edge herself.
Part Two
Falling Into You
Eight
Ryan
She was smart, sweet and almost eerily pretty- and she had her seatbelt unbuckled before Ryan had even pulled up onto the curb in front of her motel. The flurry of activity pulled him out of his dense thoughts about Imogen and freezing, thrashing waters and filled him with nonsensical alarm.
‘Well…’ Leigh exhaled the word as she bent over to stuff her iPad back into the handbag that was half the size as she was. ‘This has been… um…’ she paused like that, half hunched over the bag between her knees, and smiled sheepishly at him. ‘Erm… an adventure?’ She combed a loose piece of her dark blonde hair behind her ear and glanced up at the book on his dash, some of the mischievous sparkle fading from her golden green eyes before they shifted back to his to impart upon him a more sombre smile- a smile of pity. A smile you gave someone once you found out that they had suicidal tendencies. ‘I really hope reading that helps you, Ryan. I don’t know how it could… I’m still struggling to wrap my brain around it all and I’ve read it a gazillion times, but still…’ she straightened up, pulling her handbag to her chest and holding it close. She had a habit of doing that- of cuddling inanimate objects like she was squeezing some strength from them. The pity smile flashed again. ‘I hope it leads you to some answers at least…’
She’s saying good-bye? That’s it? ‘Hey- I’m Leigh! I wear bonnets to bed and have an incredible ass and gap between my thighs. Here’s why you suck- and here’s the book that’ll explain that in depth. Nice to meet you, but I’m nervous around you now that I know you’re a jumper, so Ciao!’ … What the fuck?!
Ryan’s stomach blistered with shame and regret- why had he told her that he’d jumped? What had been the point? What was it about this girl that had words spilling from him like the falls into the gorge- unstoppable and washing a wave of debris over them both? And what was it about this sliver of a human being that had his hand reaching for the central locking, suddenly desperate to keep her in the car now that he realised that this was the last stop for her, on her Ryan adventure?
Ryan opened his mouth to ask her what she was doing later or offer his phone number as he’d intended to since she’d first laughed with him rather than at him, but her eyes darted towards the door latch- the handle she already had her tiny little fingers wrapped around, and defeat escaped him in a soft exhalation. He’d already prolonged their time together by forcing himself onto the Maid Of The Mist at her side, and that had been humiliating enough. Did he really want to beg this strange girl for her continued company, when she was making it clear that she had tired of his?
Face it man, you dropped the suicide bomb and obliterated your façade, like you knew it would. Whatever interest you thought you sensed from her before is gone now, and even if it wasn’t- what are you hoping for here? A date that’ll go nowhere? A shoulder to cry on that’ll embarrass you further? She’s from Australia and she carries a pocket watch- this is NOT the beginning of a beautiful friendship or a wild fling!
‘I hope so too,’ he eventually stammered back, giving the book he had zero desire- but every reason- to read a loathing look, before smiling wanly back at her. ‘And thanks…’
Leigh snapped the handle on the door up. ‘For which part? Yelling at you? Hitting you? Embarrassing you?’ She chuckled and slid one foot out onto the curb, shaking her head. ‘I’m going to need to edit a LOT of these memories so I don’t cringe every time I recall my conduct during my first two days in Niagara Falls…’
Ryan cringed as she reminded him of all the squabbling they’d done- public squabbling- since he’d first met her, and he understood exactly what she meant about putting a positive spin on awkward memories. No, no way was he going to ask her for her number or whatever and add rejection to the list of injuries he’d suffered in her presence, along with a headache, a restless night, two seriously foul moods and utter astonishment. ‘I hear yah…’
But then she was climbing out of the car and her perfectly flared ass was in his face as her gentle giggle filled his head and suddenly, Ryan was more than willing to endure a little bit of humiliation, if that meant seeing her again. He swallowed hard, wrenched his eyes from her tight little butt and to the road, trying to arrange his wants and needs into some sort of smooth, coherent proposal.
‘Hey Leigh… I think you’re fucking gorgeous, but I don’t know if I can do anything with that… want to go out for Buffalo Wings so I can get to know you in a non-romantic atmosphere until I decide?’
‘Hey Leigh… you’re a complete nutter, but I like it, I think. Wanna hang out again before you leave so I can work out how much I like it?’
‘Hey Leigh… I’m desperately in love with a woman I can’t remember but your hot little temper and teeny, tiny little body had me violating myself for hours last night… care to come home with me so I can see if I can’t transfer some of those feelings onto you?
‘Hey Leigh… I’d actually love to find out if I’m as good in bed as I think but be warned- I spanked you in a lot of those dreams… do you think that means I’m into S & M? Are YOU into S & M? Wanna find out together?’
‘Hey Leigh… I don’t want you to get out of the car. Come for a drive with me? You’re the only person I’ve been able to truly talk to since Imogen died, and I’m afraid to be alone with this book…’
Yep that was the one. Honest, direct and more pathetic than creepy. He flexed his hand around the steering wheel and cleared his throat.
‘Hey, Ryan?’ Leigh piped up before he could. ‘This might sound a bit crazy, considering all we’ve um, gone through but… I can’t just leave this like this, you know? I’m too…’ she sighed. ‘I don’t even know what the word is…’
Ryan glanced back at her an
d saw that she’d ducked down to appraise him through her open door, and an alacritous grin spread across his face- the kind that warmed him on the inside. She was going to ask HIM to meet up again! The relief stunned him mute and he immediately began thinking of things they could do together that would take the typical, first-date romantic pressure off them both.
This is good! This’ll give me time to work out if I want to jump her, befriend her, become her pen pal or follow her home like the stray I am… perfect!
‘So anyway…’ Leigh reached into her purse and came up with a crumpled piece of paper, straightening it by rubbing it down on her slender thigh. ‘This is my e-mail address. When you’ve finished the book, or followed up on it or whatever… drop me a line and let me know how you go, okay?’ she handed the paper over to him and he took it with robotic fingers and a sinking stomach. ‘I won’t be able to stop thinking about it all until I know what’s going on, and that you’re okay. And hey…’ she was speaking rapidly. ‘If you ever make it back home…’
Home. Australia. After she flew away. She wasn’t asking him out on a date- she was keeping one foot in the door of the freak show so she could find out how the REAL story ended! Disappointment knocked the wind out of his sails. ‘Sure,’ he said, more crisply than he’d intended. ‘I’ll let you know… if I ever get an e-mail address, that is.’
‘You should,’ she said warmly, not sensing his tone. ‘Getting an online presence might help you find whatever loved ones you left behind.’
Ryan stared at her e-mail address, trying not to snort at the ridiculous name: ‘honeybee7926’ that preceded the rest of the address. She was a honeybee all right- one whose sting was as sharp as her sweetness was!
‘The loved ones who haven’t cared enough to contact any of the police departments in North America to put in a missing person call on me?’ he asked sourly, folding the paper and shoving it into his centre console before fixing her surprised green eyes with a cold stare. ‘Or the embassies? Or should I just concentrate my search on the girl who loved me so much that my death would have benefitted her more than grieve her?’
The colour drained from Leigh’s face. ‘Ryan, you don’t-’
‘I don’t know for sure, no,’ he interrupted her, before her hurt expression could soften him any more than she already had. He was furious with himself for having opened up to someone again, only to have them treat him like a name printed on paper and nothing else- AGAIN. ‘But I have the feeling that I was as much of a loner before I went over the edge of the falls, as I have been since Imogen dragged me out of the water.’ He put the car into drive. ‘So I think it’s safe to assume that my online presence will be overlooked as easily as my physical one has been.’
‘Overlooked?’ Leigh sighed. ‘Ryan I stared at you more today than I did the falls, and you damn well know it. That face is impossible to overlook, okay? Someone is going to recognize it and-’
‘Save the flattery,’ Ryan did not let his eyes stray from the road, which he was certain was about to blister beneath the heat of his glare. Oh, he was well aware of how often her eyes had molested him since they’d first met, but what did that fucking matter if she found the personality that went with the face lacking and easy to dismiss? He honestly thought that they’d connected! Okay so he didn’t know on what level or what that meant, but the fact that saying good-bye to her now was so difficult for him, but so easy for her, was devastating to his confidence, and adding to the flood of bitterness that had been rising inside him since he’d first woken up and remembered his fall. ‘If you want a photo to go with you blog entry honey, just ask.’
The door slammed in response. Ryan looked over in surprise, and felt his spirits sink further when he saw that Leigh was hurrying away from him towards the hotel lobby without a backwards glance. His heart skipped a beat, but he clenched his jaw and rolled his eyes. What kind of exit was that?
Third strike Weaver… now you’re out. You wanted to ask her out? Ha! She’s so done with you, that you can’t even piss her off into lingering long enough to insult you back!
Ryan cranked up the volume on the dash and Disturbed’s ‘Sons of Plunder’ filled the car where it had left off that morning, making the metal body of the Dodge throb. He pulled into the traffic, ceasing to be anyone but music lover with a heart full of anger, wishing that he had more memories now to hide the few painful memories he’d accumulated thanks to Imogen’s secrets, and now Leigh’s rejections, behind.
But he didn’t, and so the tears began to fall well before he made it to the first set of traffic lights. He swiped them away angrily and told himself to grow the fuck up, or to pull up his face- he had the book at least and maybe there really would be answers within the pages...
But it didn’t help. Ryan had spent three months trying to get to know himself all over again, and just when he began to think that maybe he was someone worth knowing- someone who probably shouldn’t have jumped- he’d cross paths with another woman who made it clear that his value was purely skin deep, ink-thin and at the end of the day, did not even rate an actual good bye. A blog entry, maybe. A one night stand, sure. A gig, definitely… and even an inheritance when there was no one else to inherit it… oh, he was apparently worthy of all of that, all right, pretty as he was...
But what Ryan wanted was a friend- not a book telling him why he didn’t have any.
Leigh
It took a while for Leigh to get the feeling back into her legs after Ryan had knee-capped her with his curt parting words, but she managed to stumble up to her room before the shock wore off and the shame kicked in.
I shouldn’t have run like that, but the way he snapped was just so… god! Even if I had the strength to smooth this over with him, I don’t have the guts to face him again, so now what?
Leigh closed her door behind her, putting the Do Not Disturb sign over the handle, and then did the same thing to the phone, knowing that if she heard her mother or father’s voice right now, she’d probably begin to wail like the pampered, yap-yapping lapdog that she was.
Poor Ryan! What was I thinking? This is his LIFE. Not my blog- his life! I was hesitant to ask him for a follow-up e-mail because I knew that it was a thoughtless inquiry… but I did it anyway! I can’t believe it!
Leigh pulled off her boots and lined them up next to her door, and then plugged her iPad into the wall to charge, making its edge line up perfectly with the edge of the desk before she turned to safely pack away the warranty, and the other bits and pieces that had come with the packaging that she would probably never use but always kept anyway. When that was done, she lined up her phone next to it and plugged its charger and adapter into the wall as well, for she’d flattened it completely with her frantic photo-snapping back at the falls.
But though she made swift progress of getting her things back in order, none of it was calming her mind or taking the edge out of the regret sloshing around in the pit of her stomach.
God, what must he think of me? I’m like an ambulance chaser, or someone who slows down to get a decent gander at a crash site… mum would be so ashamed if she knew that I was going to make the guy a story!
Leigh twisted away from whatever she’d been going to do as though she could leave her selfish consciousness in the centre of the room, and made her way to the window, pressing her face against the cool glass and struggling to inhale a calming breath. Her spectacles clinked against the glass and she knew that she was leaving smudges for some poor cleaner to Windex off, but the surface was cool and took the edge of her mortified hot-flush so she stayed there.
She was a terrible person- she knew that, and she didn’t know if it bothered her more to feel that way about herself, or if the fact that Ryan thought the same of her was the true source of her anxiety. She could see how she’d gotten from where she’d been to where she had just ended up, for Ryan had been a stranger to her the day before- a suspect one who could have been running one of the shadiest player schemes in the history of fiction. Of course
, she’d been well within her right to make that a story, and if she’d been wrong- to even giggle about the coincidence and share a few photos and a blog entry for the benefit of her readers. If he’d been a schemer, he’d have been deserving of exposure and if it had all been a coincidence, then the story would have been harmless, cute and rather ironic.
But there was nothing harmful or funny about his resemblance to Ryan Weaver, especially not for him, and the fact that Leigh had already started hinting at the story on her blog, and had intended to relay all that had transpired to her readers in a follow-up entry, made her loathe herself. The guy didn’t even have an identity, and she’d wanted to share what little he did know with the world! Was she sick? When had she started treating people as though they were, well, arrangements of dialogue, prose and adjectives and not flesh and blood with feelings?
See! This is why I don’t have friends in the real world… I treat them like books! If I don’t like the looks of the cover, I don’t let them open up, if I don’t enjoy the character after the first few paragraphs, I close the cover! If they catch me unawares, I go into shock and read Anne Of Green Gables again...
Leigh moaned as the guilt sloshed again and dragged her eyes open, staring at the falls and shivering as she imagined what it must have been like for Ryan to remember falling from such a great height. Cringing, Leigh pulled out one of the chairs from the table, opened up her blog and immediately started to type, not pausing to read the mass of comments that had been scribbled beneath her taunting status updates.
Dear Readers,
I’m going to throw caution- and my dignity- to the wind here and confess that I was sorely mistaken on The Ryan Weaver thing. Call it optimism, call it 20/50 vision or call it fangirling-related trauma, but as it turns out, the sexy musician I was following around Niagara Falls turned out to be a hottie with bright blue eyes, a Gibson and now, possibly a restraining order ;) Nah, just kidding about the last part. Luckily, he’s as nice as Ryan and has let me off my delusions with good humour, but you can cancel your plane tickets now, because it was a false alarm.
