by Pamela Ann
She studied me a moment, skeptical. “Does your friend know you’re on your way to visit?”
I shook my head before I responded with clarity, “No, but he said I could see him anytime. It’s really important I see him. It’s hard to explain, though.” There was really nothing about Logan to explain. Basically, I wanted to be close to the people I knew, and since I only had one ally, I was going to stick around until I got on my own feet.
“Well, I suppose it would be nice to have someone to talk to…” she contemplated, biting her lip. “Ah, what the hell, I’ll take my chances. Hop on in.” She paused again, giving me a concerned look. “The hospital’s across the street; we can go for a few minutes to get you checked. I don’t mind the delay. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine… more than fine.” I winced when I felt the soreness in my knee as I started walking towards the other side of the car to open the door. “Don’t worry about me. If I’m in pain, I’ll let you know.”
“Okay, I guess that’s a good deal. My name’s Ashley, by the way,” she said the second she started the engine again, holding her hand out.
“Ana.” I took her hand and shook it lightly.
The drive was long and Ashley spoke only when she thought of something funny, or when she mentioned something to do in her hometown. She was the first female I had spent some time with, apart from my mother. I had no idea how peaceful it was to have someone to smile and laugh with. Well, I wasn’t really laughing, but I was trying to laugh at her small jokes. I was so used to being surrounded by men, I wasn’t used to being around a girl like Ashley.
We stopped in Oregon some time later to gas up. When I offered to pay for half of the gas, she pushed my money aside, stating she owed me too much and it was her pleasure to drive with me to California.
She was very easy to get along with. She looked well-dressed and reeked of money, but she wasn’t a snob. Furthermore, I liked how open she was. When she asked about my family and I answered with glazed over responses, she didn’t pry into my business, and I liked the fact she didn’t press the subject even though I felt like she wanted to ask more, wanted to know more about me.
I thought I was fine until we passed a farm that smelt like freshly cut grass and my senses started to water. I wasn’t sure why, but all I could think about was crack. Maybe it was the grass and how it was similar to the smell of weed? Maybe…
Closing my eyes, I started to shiver lightly, “fiending” for a fix. My mouth watered before running dry. I had cottonmouth and had never felt so thirsty in my life.
Reaching in my bag for a bottle of water, I took a lengthy sip before laying my head back on the headrest, still being hounded by my demons. I dug my nails into my palm, thinking it would stop me from going crazy. I didn’t want to get kicked out of this long road trip, as a result I had to figure something out before Ashley noticed my weird agitation.
“Hey.”
Fuck, am I really that obvious? Fuck.
She glanced at me, concerned. “You okay?”
No. I wanted drugs. But I knew I shouldn’t. It was bad for me, though I’d be damned if my body gave a rat’s ass about it.
“I think I have motion sickness or something,” I mumbled a lie. Motion sickness. Ha.
“My sister has the same thing. Dig into my purse.” She cocked her head to the side, indicating her purse was in the backseat. “I have a sleep aid in there. Pop one to knock you out, and you’ll be good as new when you wake up.”
Heck, will it work? I thought with a heavy sigh as I dug for the small bottle she told me was located in the purse pocket. Once in hand, I stared at the clear ocean blue pill, wondering if it would solve my current woes.
Whatever.
Washing the pill down with water, I was surprised when sleep caught on to me, giving me a little breather.
Ashley was genius.
Chapter 26
Logan’s cousin’s bar was called the Sand Bar. Moreover, just like the name, it was a bar on the sand, jam packed with college people, rowdy and drunk and having a ball.
Ashley said there were four universities around the area, as such this was the ultimate spot to mingle and have your pick of the opposite sex. She moved to study in Washington because of her ex and wanting to avoid him as much as possible. She was open about most bits of her life, but surprisingly, when it came to the ex, she kept her mouth shut. Obviously there was hate involved, however it was a different kind of hate. The only kind I knew well was how I felt for Doug. Subsequently, I didn’t press further.
Our trip took about two days and we had to check in at Redding overnight before we got back on the road right after breakfast. She gave me her cellphone number, making me promise I’d keep in touch after I got a phone of my own. Due to her spending her summer in South America in rural cities, I would most likely get ahold of her once she got back on U.S. soil.
Snapping out of my reverie, I advanced towards a waitress, who was on her way back into the kitchen as she spun the circular tray with a finger. I had finally chosen to toughen up and approach her because she seemed to be the friendliest one compared to the rest.
“Excuse me, is Logan working tonight?”
“Yeah, he’s right inside the office. Just knock loudly.” She smiled as she pointed towards the black door before disappearing into the kitchen.
Doing as she’d advised, I pounded on the door, hoping it was loud enough amidst the noisy rock song playing in the background. After thirty seconds of nothing, I pounded again before the door swiftly swung open just as my knuckle was about to hit the wood, instead I almost hit Logan’s chest.
The first thing he did was frown before he stepped closer to eye me better. “Ana!” he shouted. “Shit, you’re here!” He brought me close, giving me a tight hug before letting me inside the small office.
It had a computer and a printer, a twenty-inch TV, a telephone, and not much else.
Man, I had been so caught up in getting away I hadn’t prepared what I was going to tell him. I supposed I could always start with small truths. Logan didn’t deserve to be lied to. If I wanted to keep him as a friend, I had to trust him a little.
“I’m sorry to spring up like this, but I didn’t know where to go.”
“Shit—what happened to you?” He looked frazzled before gazing at me with a frown. “Did you eat? Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
“I ate already. Thanks.” Ashley had persisted on feeding me before dropping me off. She was so nice and downright manipulative when she wanted to get her way I couldn’t resist saying yes.
“What happened? I mean, it’s good to see you, of course, but…” He seemed to be at a loss for words. “Are you okay?”
Well, that depended on how a person could look at my life. I was better, that was for certain.
“I’ll tell you about it next I see you. I just came by to let you know that I’m around.” I gave him a reassuring smile, hoping he’d return it. “Something happened back home and I needed to be away. I saw a motel two blocks down, so I’ll be checking in over there. You can drop by tomorrow if you like.” This whole friendship thing was confusing, but at least I was trying. I shouldn’t beat myself about it too hard.
“Motel?”
“Yeah, it’s Sunny something?” I tried to recall the name.
Logan stood up and rounded the desk to me. “I have a studio that’s a block away. It’s nothing big or anything, but you’re more than welcome to stay with me for as long as you like.” He checked his watch before speaking to me again. “Let me take you over to my place. First, lemme run and let my cousin, Buck, know really quick.”
He was back three minutes later, ushering us out of the crowded bar, onto the balmy streets of San Diego.
“So, how’d you get here? You flew out?”
Hmmm. “I’ll tell you all about it when we get to your place.”
He nodded, as if somehow knowing it was wiser to wait it out until we reached his place.
Gripping my duffel bag, I thought about how to open up about my problems without giving him too much information. I planned on telling him things, things that were hard to even say out loud. I also wanted to mask the ugliness behind the brutal truth. I wasn’t aiming for a flowery tale, however I didn’t want him to look at me differently, either. I just needed to say the important bits without looking like a basket case. Because that’s what I was—and then some.
Just as he’d said earlier, his small studio was nothing big. It was plain and simple and very economical without all the frills that women I’d seen in magazines usually did with their own places. It wasn’t dreary, but I must say, it suited my style. Bright colors and splashes of pink didn’t scream Ana at all; black and white soothed the numbness inside my heart.
Lowering the duffel bag, I carefully sat on the black futon before I looked up to Logan. He was standing across from me, frowning before folding his arms. I wasn’t intimidated by him at all, but I sensed he might know more than he’d previously let on.
“Are you surprised I’m here?”
He sighed before pulling a stool from somewhere and sitting across me. “Surprised? Well, yes and no.”
His answer made me tense. I wanted to know more. “What do you mean by that?”
“We’re neighbors and my mother was close to yours before she passed away. Let’s just say, I heard stuff…”
“What stuff?”
“Three days before your mom died, she came to see my mom. It was something about Doug and something he’d said to her. It was in the afternoon and I had to go out, so I wasn’t really all that concerned. I wasn’t sure what it was about, but when I pulled up in the driveway that night, your mom came to me, asking me to watch out for you. Then she disappeared back into your house without waiting to see if I agreed to it or not.”
My mom asked him to look out for me?
“But why? I don’t get it.”
“Me, neither.” He paused. “Until she died three days later…”
“But…” It was random, wasn’t it? Some stranger hit her car… Unless…
Unless…
Doug had something to do with it. “OH, GOD.” Doug and his loony brain got to Mom before he got to me. Why…? Why did he have to do what he had done? He could’ve spared her life; he didn’t have to be so evil and heartless by killing the woman who had treated him like he was her own.
“Where is he, Ana?”
I didn’t have to ask who he meant by he. “He’s where he should be.” IN HELL. I hoped to GOD that he was. Hunter better have made sure of it!
“I had to leave, you know. I didn’t want to, but he threatened to kill me and my family when he found me snooping outside the house when I heard a sharp cry one night, when his friends were over.”
Fuck, not him, too? Tears formed in my eyes as I gazed across at him. “I’m sorry—he’s out of his mind. He’s crazy, Logan. He did things—things that resulted in becoming a woman I hate…” I sniffed, feeling a little brave. “He drugged me all the time and I kept wanting it—even now, I’m so addicted to it I have no clue how to curb my cravings sometimes. When it gets too bad… I hurt myself in order to focus on the pain and not the cravings.”
“These cravings for drugs? How often do you get them?” he asked mildly, but I could tell he wanted to know how badly I was in.
“When I don’t have anything to do, it’s all I can think about. I dream of it, sleep or no sleep.”
He stood up and sat next to me, holding my hand, as if giving me strength. “We can get you help. I know your mom asked me to look out for you and I failed to do that the first time. But I’m here now. I promise you, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
I shook my head. “No, you’re not responsible for any of this, Logan. Please…” I squeezed his hand. “It’s not your fault.”
“I know,” he murmured, not letting my hand go. “But I want to help, Ana. For you… and for your mom. I’m sure she’d want me to be here for you, and I want that, too.”
“Thank you…” For everything…
“I know there’s a lot more you’re not telling me, but that’s up to you. Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here for you.”
I nodded, grateful for his understanding.
“There are therapists that cater to these things. We can do that first thing in the morning. Maybe they’d be more inclined to make you open up about these things?”
“No therapists.” What I needed was beyond that. “I don’t want to open up to strangers. I’m not there yet. Maybe later on, but not today or tomorrow. Maybe in a year or two, but not anytime soon… I still need to come to terms with things… It’s still hard. As for the drugs, I found a temporary solution with sleeping pills. I know I’ll need more than that, but for now, it keeps me at peace. This is all hard for me…” Maybe if I trusted him more later on down the road, I’d confess about my other addiction. I think the drugs was enough for him to know for right then, though. It was the most important fact.
“As I said before, whenever you’re ready. I won’t push you unless you tell me you want to be pushed. But you need to know, I don’t want you ever touching any drugs at all.”
This was going to be tough, yet I was going to fight it off. “I will try very hard—for my mom.” Keeping her in mind would really make me think twice about touching those things.
“Good.”
Good.
Chapter 27
Logan did everything he could to occupy me whenever he wasn’t working in the bar. We’d go sightseeing and go places. At first, I was hesitant to try to explore this new city because of my phobia, but as time went on, he kept pushing and encouraging me, telling me it would all get better. True to his word, I was slowly getting used to it.
We spoke about what I wanted to do, and I told him I wanted to go to college while I figured out my life. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do yet, however I didn’t want to be idle, either. I also looked for a job, and when he mentioned about working at the bar with him, I gently declined him, even though he promised to tell his cousin to hire me. He was already putting up with me in the studio apartment without rent. Moreover, although I kept handing him money to help out with food and lodging, he repeatedly told me to save it for myself. He didn’t know I had ten grand sitting in my duffel bag and I was more than capable of paying for my due, but he insisted. As a result, I promised I would look for a job soon and get my own place. Then I would pay him back by cooking dinner for him three times a week. He immediately agreed to the deal.
Apart from that, Logan and I got along fine. I hadn’t heard from Hunter again. He had no clue where I went, though I was almost sure he had the resources to hunt me down if he needed. Regardless, it had been almost two weeks since I had arrived here, and there had been no word from him. I wasn’t really holding out hope that something would come out of it, but still…
I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Hunter aside, my mornings were fine since I had Logan around. He usually came back fifteen past two in the morning. By then, I’d be out cold from my sleeping pills. I took them after I had dinner to avoid the intense urges that occupied my thoughts whenever I was left to deal with myself.
It worked. For a while.
After two weeks, however, I was a little sick of taking them, consequently I decided to skip one evening, hoping my mind and body were strong enough to fight the battle of my addiction.
Alone in the apartment with nothing to do, my mind was back in the dark place, wanting things I shouldn’t even be thinking about. By midnight, my “fiending” was back in full force, and I tried to distract myself with touching my body, hoping I’d get my focus on something else, but nothing worked. After trying for the fifth time, I became erratic and absolutely crazy to the point I was contemplating going out and hunting down the streets to score something.
However, I had made a promise to Logan, the only friend I had and maybe the only person in the world th
at cared if I died or not. Furthermore, if the truth be told, my conscience was eating at me while I closed my eyes and imagined a needle going into my vein, giving me the high I’d been dying for. He didn’t deserve to be betrayed by my addiction, nor did my mother. I had vowed to stay clean for her, and after two weeks, it was still an effort—a monumental fight. One day, I’d think I was fine, and the next, I was back to this—biting my nails and fidgeting as I weighed my pros and cons.
Yet, there wasn’t much to weigh in. I was going to lose if I gave in to my needs. I had already lost everyone in my family and had no one to look out for me, would I really risk Logan, who had been so nice to me all this time, simply for a hit? No, but it was tempting to think about.
Hardening my resolve, I jumped off the couch and ran into the bathroom where I almost ripped my clothes off as I speedily turned the shower dial to the coldest it could go. Naked and about to lose my mind, I went inside before shaking uncontrollably when the ice-cold water hit my sensitive skin.
It hurt… The coldness hurt, yet I remained frozen, willing to hurt myself more, punishing myself for being idiotic. I was incredibly close to risking it all, and I reminded myself of the reasons why I couldn’t just go out there and look for crack. Crack wasn’t me, I hadn’t used it by free choice, and yet it had started to define me. What’s more, in the back of my mind I didn’t want it to be, although I had almost let it dictate me. I should know better.
Closing my eyes, I recalled my reasons. My father and the gory scenes in the mall killings with blood splattering everywhere. My mother and what Logan had revealed to me before. Doug—his friends and his brutality, how ruthlessly and viciously he had smashed my head into the window until the glass broke, until he almost killed me…
These were my reasons and they were damn good reasons to stay the fuck away from the evilness Doug had introduced me to. I shouldn’t demean myself by pursuing his influence on me through drugs.
This was enough. I’ve had enough.
So I stayed in the shower, blue and cold until I learned my lesson, passing out cold with my head against the tiles.
