by Abbi Glines
“Good. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I replied, moving swiftly toward the stairs, almost escaping the next question.
“You coming to eat?” Momma asked. “It’s on the table, dear.”
I expected it. Knew it was coming. I replied, “Not hungry yet. Ate breakfast too late. I’m going to go read.” Today was my day off from the hair and tanning salon where I worked. I was the receptionist and I washed all the towels, too. Being lazy around the house on my days off was more acceptable now since I started working five days a week. The salon was closed on Sundays so I didn’t work then, spending those days reading as much as I could. I tried to keep to myself, though Steel took a lot of my free time. I knew I wouldn’t have felt that way had I loved him truly.
Once I was safely inside my room, I sank down on the bed and fell backwards. Staring at the ceiling, I faced the reality of what I had to do. I had to break up with Steel. Not because it would change anything with Asher—because it wouldn’t, it was set in stone—but because I just couldn’t do this to Steel anymore. He was a good guy, a great guy, and he deserved a girl who would love him for the amazing man that he was. That wasn’t me. It never would be. I’d already let this go too far.
I wasn’t proud of myself or my actions. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t change them. Do the right thing and get strong enough to move on. Find a life outside of this town, one without a Sutton boy by my side. Asher was right about one thing. I wasn’t meant for a Sutton boy.
Asher Sutton
“WHERE THE FUCK you been?” Dallas asked as I walked into the house. I knew by his language Momma wasn’t inside, or he would’ve paid dearly for that.
“Work,” I replied moving past him, heading to the fridge to get a glass of sweet tea and some food. I’d skipped my lunch break because Hannah had asked me to go with her. I lied and said I’d brought a sandwich, that I’d scarf it down and keep on working.
Grabbing some cold fried chicken, half an apple pie, cheddar cheese and the leftover biscuits, I set the banquet on the table and closed the door.
“You gonna share?” Dallas asked with a grin.
“No. Get your own.”
“I would, but you just cleaned out the damn fridge.”
I began slicing some cheese to go with my biscuits and took a tomato from the window seal. I knifed the stem head and cut it down the middle. After talking to Dixie, having had to say the things she needed to hear, I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t in the mood for my little brother’s smart mouth.
“Hey, slice me some tomato, too. Tomato, cheese and biscuits sound good. I’m starving,” Steel said as the screen door slammed shut behind him. “Oh, hot damn! There’s some chicken left, too.”
“He’s not sharing,” Dallas chimed in before I could reply. “He’s come in scowling and angry, determined to eat us out of house and home, which you can see is all on the table before you.”
“Everything okay?” was Steel’s immediate response. He was assuming this was about Bray, who was still locked in his room, heavily medicated. I sliced another tomato, put it on a plate, then turned to hand it to Steel.
“I’m fine. Just hungry. Didn’t eat all day. Take a couple of biscuits if you want. But the chicken, that’s all mine.”
Steel took the plate of tomato from me and sat down at the table. His gaze remained stuck on me, studying me, weighing my mood by my movements. It was hard having any secrets with a house full of nosey ass brothers. I’d been gone so long I forgot what this was like. Having someone always there watching you. Paying attention to your every mood. At school, no one cared. I could close off and get drunk all alone. No one ever questioned it. Here, that was impossible.
Steel asked, “Why didn’t you eat at work? Denver not give you a lunch break?”
“Yeah, he does, worked through it.”
“Then that’s your own fucking fault. Share the chicken,” Dallas replied, leaning over the table to grab a drumstick. I clutched his wrist and glared at him.
“I’m not in the mood,” I warned him. “Get your own goddamn food.” As the last word fell from my mouth, the screen door opened again and Brent walked in. He had been working outside since early this morning, ignoring Bray locked away in his room and the fact Scarlet had left town.
“Jesus. Y’all fighting over food?”
I tried to act like everything was normal for him. Not treat him with kid gloves like everyone else was doing. He obviously didn’t want to be treated that way. “No. This fucker won’t leave my lunch alone.”
“It’s four thirty in the afternoon. That ain’t lunch,” was Brent’s response.
“He didn’t eat lunch. Now he’s all pissy. Hoarding the food like a king.” Dallas drawled and leaned back in his chair, smirking after saying it. “Just tell us why you didn’t eat and I promise I’ll leave you alone.”
There had been times at college I missed this. My brothers, a full house, people who cared, but this wasn’t one of those times. Right now, I was missing my privacy. Something this bunch knew nothing about. Currently, what I wanted was to be treated as a leper and avoided like the plague.
I put the chicken breast down with more force than necessary, looking up at three pairs of all too similar eyes, all directly focused on me. They were all waiting on my response. Nosey bastards. They had to know.
“Hannah. That’s why I didn’t eat. She won’t leave me the hell alone. Now will you all let me fucking eat?” I was louder than necessary, but frustrated about being interrogated by them.
“So she held you down during your lunch break? Woman rode you? Wouldn’t let you eat? If that’s the case, I don’t blame you for not eating. That’s one hot piece of ass. Always thought she was a little uppity and superior, with her honor roll scholarship shit. But damn, those can be the wildest ones . . . did she happen to suck your dick?”
I stared at Dallas. When had my little brother turned into a complete dick?
“Don’t think that’s what happened,” Steel said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s not.” I then took another bite of chicken.
“Okay, wait, you didn’t bang Hannah?” Dallas asked.
My patience was running thin. I decided to eat in my room. Momma could bitch at me. I’d listen and apologize. That was better than this. Lifting my plate in one hand with my mason jar of tea firmly clasped in the other, I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room to escape my brothers’ inquisition.
“You can’t take food to your room.” Dallas’s tone was amused and playful.
“I don’t give a fuck,” I replied, slamming the door behind me, then locking it in place. They’d follow me, or at least Dallas would try just to see how far he could push me.
I heard his laughter and Steel saying something in a low, rumbling tone. I didn’t try to listen. I sat down on the top step and finished my meal in silence. If I ate fast enough, I could get all evidence of it back to the kitchen before Momma returned. She was outside in the garden. Of course, that meant more taunting from Dallas. I’d rather just deal with Momma.
I replayed Dixie’s voice in my mind again and again, her words to me, how happy I once made her. I hated hurting her, causing her any type of pain. I wished she’d understand that every time I pushed her back, every time I had to put her at a safe distance from me, my very being was being torn into shreds. This wasn’t easy for me. From the moment I found those letters in that box, my life lost its meaning. I was drained of any joy and couldn’t be filled again. The emptiness now seemed to be permanent.
The twisted guilt I’d lived with for the past three years was gone, but the ache of losing Dixie was still there. She wasn’t the last girl I’d been with, but she’d been the only one that mattered. The only face I saw. No one made me feel complete like she had. No one made me want to plan my forever, except her, only my Dixie. I thought that maybe with time there would be someone else to take her place, but all I realized in the end was that once you’d found perfection, everything else
paled by comparison. A puzzle piece would forever be missing from your soul.
Dixie Monroe
WHILE STARING OUT the kitchen window, I poured myself a third cup of coffee. Sleep hadn’t come last night. Not even a few seconds of it. My guilt kept me wide awake. I wasn’t being fair to Steel. I’d known that before, but had let him convince me to stay with him because he honestly thought I could forget Asher one day. He thought we had a chance. I had to stop letting him think that. I cared about him, I wanted him to be loved the way he loved other people, completely, without hesitation. He was a good guy and should have it all. I was too fractured, too broken for him. Even though he refused to see it.
Telling him all this would not be easy. I knew that no matter how prepared I got, he was going to try and stop me. Convince me not to do this. I had to be strong or I’d continue hurting him forever. He’d hate me, all the Suttons would, especially now on the heels of what happened with Bray and Scarlet, but I couldn’t just keep finding reasons to wait. I had to do this now. I had to end it so that he could move on.
Three long gulps and I finished the cup. I didn’t even taste it. I’d drank it for the caffeine and the mental focus I needed for the task ahead. What I had to do wouldn’t change anything with Asher. After yesterday, I knew that. He had decided that he could never be with me, and knowing he didn’t love me the way I loved him would always sting deeply.
“You’re up early. You don’t have to be at work for another two hours,” Mom said, yawning. She searched my face. It was six in the morning, and I’d been drinking coffee since five.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I replied, though I knew she knew that.
She came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. “It isn’t easy to do what’s right. But you know that already.”
Without me even telling her, she knew. Saw it all and read my heart. Tears stung my eyes because my mother expected me to do the right thing. To let Steel go, be truthful about it all, and she’d been waiting all along for me to do that.
“One day, there will be another man. Asher Sutton will become a memory. You won’t ever forget him, but you will heal and move on. It’s how the world works, honey. Though I know it’s hard to see that now.”
The idea of loving anyone else more than Asher seemed as heartbreaking as it was impossible to accept right now. “I don’t know about that,” I replied sullenly.
Again, Mom squeezed me tight. “You’re young, life is rarely decided at eighteen years of age. We don’t give our hearts away at fifteen, never to love again.”
That was where she was wrong. I replied, “Thirteen. I gave it away at thirteen.”
With a sigh, she kissed my temple, “Oh, Dixie, there’s a big ol’ world out there. One you’ve yet to explore. There’s so many beautiful experiences that yet lie ahead of you. Trust me, sweetheart, if Asher Sutton was meant to be your only love, then it would’ve happened that way.”
I closed my eyes. Fought back the tears. “I don’t want to think it’s over.”
“The future is a funny thing. It may lead you around the world and bring you right back where you started.”
I wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “Steel isn’t going to be easy. He’ll fight this. Try to stop me.”
Mom ran her hand over my hair brushing it out of my face. “That’s because you’re beautiful and smart, loving and kind. No man will ever want to let that go, not without a fight.”
Asher did. He let me go without a fight.
I didn’t say the words aloud. Though they were there, always would be. It would be hard for me to truly trust enough to love again, the way I’d loved Asher. If that were even possible. If mom was right and someone else came along one day, would my heart be whole by then? I didn’t think it could ever happen.
“Let me feed you before you go,” she said, patting my arm and releasing her hold of me.
I couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots. “No, I’m not hungry. I have to do this now . . . before I back out. It has to be stopped.”
“You’ve got to work all day. You need something in your stomach,” she argued.
“I’ll get something during my lunch break.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I’ll bring you a late breakfast when I run to Harrods to get my vitamins.”
Arguing with her was pointless. I nodded and considered another cup of coffee, but the queasiness in my stomach stopped me. I sat the cup down and gave Mom a hug. “Thanks. I love you,” I said.
She rubbed my back, “I love you more. Never forget that.” I knew she was someone who would stay, make my dad happy, from the first time she said those words to me as a child. She made us a family again. She made us whole.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. “Here, at least take this protein bar,” Mom said, following behind me and holding a peanut butter Cliff Bar in her hand.
I took it and thanked her, hoping to have an appetite later. She kissed my cheek one more time. I could see the love and worry for me on her face. The concern shining in her eyes.
When outside, I took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but I could do it. Steel would be up and in the barn with his first cup of coffee by now. I wasn’t sure when Asher went to work, though that might complicate things. But I knew he would avoid me at all costs, and today, I needed that.
The drive down to their house was short, but I used it to prepare myself for every argument Steel would throw my way. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, but continuing to make Steel believe we had a chance was wrong and selfish of me. I didn’t like being the villain, but I’d made my bed. Now I just needed to lie in it.
I parked at the barn. Didn’t walk past their house. This was stressful enough without the other Sutton boys getting involved in our talk. I closed my door gently, in case anyone was still sleeping, the short distance from my car to the barn covered in a matter of seconds. It still felt like the longest walk of my life.
Steel was there like I knew he would be. He was good at what he did, dependable, hard-working, staying as long as it was needed, and often remaining after everyone else had left for the day. He deserved so much more than I was ever capable of giving him. I stepped inside and he turned immediately, the heavy barn door creaking with my entrance. The cup of coffee in his hand was a familiar sight. He was just as I had pictured him there—dressed for hard work, knowing what he had to do, his hair roughed slightly from sleep.
“Well, good morning,” he said, with a slow lazy smile. He wasn’t fully awake yet. Not enough caffeine.
“Hey,” I replied, hating every word before I even said them.
Straightaway, he sensed my mood. He was smart, observant like that. I had to act fast, “Steel, let me talk first. Please? I want to say my peace. I didn’t come here to argue.”
He thought about it. Wanted to say more. It was all there in the way he was looking at me, but Steel remained silent because I’d asked. Another reason to love him. Another reason to let him go. I spoke again, “I can’t continue doing this. It’s unfair to you. I’ll love him until the day I die. I accept that. You’re a wonderful man. Someone who should have a girl on his arm who loves you as deeply as you love her . . . but I’ll never be that girl . . . I’m damaged . . . I need you to understand that . . . Steel, you have to let me go.”
I’d planned on saying more, my ramblings making me lose my train of thought and forget what I wanted to say. But I spoke the truth. I said the facts, and now I had to give Steel time to respond. His eyes held the disappointment and hurt I knew would come from this. I expected that, but seeing it was difficult to witness. Knowing he was happy when I first walked in, and that only I was responsible for taking that away from him.
He sat his cup down on a shelf. Made a study of the ground at his feet. I waited some more, wondering what he was thinking. Would he fight this? Should I have said more? I kept questioning everything I had said, thinking I could have said it better.
<
br /> He suddenly replied, “That’s it, then. I tried. I gave it my best, but never got the same from you. Knew that. Forgave you for it time and time again. But I held out hope that things would change. If I was there for you, loved you hard enough, became what you needed . . . that it would be enough. That I would be enough. But you’re spoiled, want what you can’t have. What I offered would have never been good enough . . . and that makes you not good enough for me. I want more, I want a woman who knows her own mind, can find her own damn happiness without a man’s help . . . and that will never be you. So go on, Dixie, leave and don’t come back. You want Asher, but he will never want you in return. He’s moved on with his life. Now go waste the rest of yours on a pointless, empty dream.”
Although I saw Steel Sutton standing before me and heard the words coming from his mouth, I was having a hard time believing he was saying such cruel, hurtful things to me, no matter how much I deserved them.
“Don’t stand there and look all hurt and offended. What did you expect from me? Tears? Hell no, Dixie! I’m done trying to make you love me. If this is what you want, then that’s what you can have. I just ask one final thing of you. Leave the diamond ring I gave you. It was meant for a woman who is worth it and deserves to wear it. That isn’t you.”
I had the ring in my pocket. That was what I’d planned to do, anyway. But I didn’t imagine it happening this way. I pulled it out just as Steel took a step toward me and extended his hand between us, his palm up and his fingers twitching with impatience. The glare in his eyes was so foreign to me. The Steel I knew was gone and a cruel, heartless man had taken his place. And that man was reaching for his ring. I placed it in his hand, his fingers closing on it quickly as if I would take it back and run. He then said, “You can go now.”
Thosee four words were filled with so much hate and disdain, that my legs almost gave out on me. I stumbled, but forced myself to draw strength from within, turning away, and sprinting from the barn and the monsters I had created.
