“Sorry,” Gary apologized. He was back in his baggy purple hoodie and sweats within seconds, making himself at home on our couch.
“So how'd that audition go?” I asked, yanking open the fridge door and pulling out three ice-cold Coronas.
“I thought it went pretty well,” said Vivienne with a disheartened sigh, swatting at Gary's legs propped up on the coffee table with our mail. She plopped down next to him, her shoulders sagging as she slowly removed the bobby pins holding her Hepburn-esque topknot together. “It would probably suck a little less if the director could just be straight with me, ya know? 'Sorry, Ms. Santos, but you're just several shades too Filipino-brown to cast as Fantine for Les Miserables.' But whatever, I'm hanging in there. There's an opening for Waitress #2 next week on Days of Our Lives and you bet your ass I'm gonna balance the crap outta that tray.”
“That's the spirit,” I smiled, handing them the beers. I opted for Vivienne's stability ball, bouncing towards them and parking next to the couch. “Thanks to Gary's humping escapades with that sexy divorcee librarian at school, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be able to wrap up the last chapter of The Bookkeeper tonight.”
“Glad to help out anyway I can,” said Gary. The smirk on his face faltered. “You sure you've got the names and everything changed, right? I can't have Agnes implicated in this – she could lose her job.”
“No worries – it doesn't even take place in the same century,” I assured him between large gulps of beer, licking the flavorful tang from my lips. “I've got you covered.”
“This ain't her first rodeo. Where do you think she gets all her inspiration from?” Vivienne chipped in. She answered her own question without skipping a beat, fanning herself with our mail. “All you unchaste, God-less sinners around her of course. Y'all need church.”
“You're one to talk,” I scoffed, picking up Gary's sweaty undershirt to attack her with it. I began reciting stories she's inspired to my blog followers off the top of my head. “Rattle My Cage, Three Nights in Tokyo, The Casting Call –”
“Gross!” Vivienne whined, pulling the undershirt off her face and flinging it back at me. She missed by an inch as I ducked, sneaking in a high-five with Gary. “I was channeling Sr. Mary from Catholic school. Pretty good, huh?”
“Meh.”
“So you write all this kinky stuff, but you don't have a boyfriend?” said Gary, changing the subject. He ripped a shameless burp as he set his beer down on the coffee table.
“No, I've had to survive boyfriend-less for four years now after my last serious relationship in high school,” I retorted dryly, patting down my arms and legs with mock shock. “And would you look at that? Looks like I'm still alive and kicking.”
“There's a coaster right there! What are you, an animal?” said Vivienne, kneeing Gary hard on the thigh. Facing me, a sly smile crept across her lips as she wiggled her eyebrows. “And don't let our girl Jolene here fool you – she's gonna be diving right back into the market sooner than she thinks.”
“What are you babbling on about now?” I chuckled, unclasping the clip on the opened pack of beef jerky on the table.
“Wow, you haven't heard yet, have you?” said Vivienne, her eyes twinkling in excitement as she reached for the remote and switched on our TV. “Brad Hastings and Tanya Fairchild just filed for divorce! It's all over the news – I mean, '#BranyaEndofAnEra' has been trending on Twitter all day.”
“Oh, really?” I said coolly, crossing my leg over the other to keep them from bouncing in my building excitement. “I haven't heard.”
Vivienne switched the channel to Bay Talk, a local, third-rate ripoff of the brassy, but irresistible TMZ. A snarky host in intentionally disheveled sweats and frosted tips that should have died in the early 2000s graced the screen.
“Did known homophobe, rapper Slo-Mo, spend the night with a male prostitute? And what was a donkey doing in the room? Find out more later. But now, it's time for that segment you know you've been waiting for – Let's Talk Bae at Bay Talk.”
“Classy show,” Gary remarked, shaking his head.
“Shh!”
“Sad, sad day for Branya fans everywhere. It's finally happened – after months of trial separation, billionaire Bradley Hastings of PosteHaste Media and pop-country superstar Tanya Fairchild are throwing in the towel and calling it quits! The couple filed for divorce this morning, and as per yoozh, Bay Talk crew was one of the firsts on the scene. Hastings slipped away from us in the parking lot, but Tanya was more than happy to spread a little love.”
The screen switched to unsteady footage an obnoxious crew member most likely snagged off his crappy phone camera. The petite Tanya appeared on screen, hobbling on ankle-breaking pumps en route to her car. She showed off her jealous-inducing curves and suspiciously modified chest in an all-white Versace pantsuit with glitzy tassels on the shoulders.
“Ms. Fairchild! Tanya! Bay Talk here – how you holding up? Anything you wanna say to our viewers?”
Tanya fluffed her Old-Hollywood blonde hair as she turned towards the camera, flashing a phony, pearly-white smile.
“This is such a difficult time for me, but I'm just hanging in there. I just have to say thank you so much for the outpouring of support to all of my fans on Twitter and Instagram. You're all angels, and I love you all too, my Fair-children! You know, it's like I said in one of my best-selling singles – 'You can't break me, I'm like a free bee, I'm my own me.'”
“That's – that's deep, Tanya. Now, do you think –”
“Now that's some audacious self-promotion right there,” Vivienne smirked, rolling her eyes as she turned down the volume. “Well, good-frigging-riddance.”
I held up my beer over my mouth casually so they couldn't see me cheesing uncontrollably behind them. I had to admit, I wasn't sure why some publicized celebrity breakup was the highlight of my day so far.
“I don't swing that way, but if we were the last two dudes on Earth, I'd have trouble saying no,” said Gary, his pressed lips down-turned approvingly at the screen.
The muted host was now speaking wordlessly next to a candid shot of Bradley Hastings in a tailored cranberry suit. Casually leaning against an expensive car as he sipped on his coffee, he was unfairly attractive with a legendary portfolio to match. Hollywood swept in on his rags-to-riches story just last year. The biopic on the 33-year-old media mogul with Matt Bomer as its lead even found a place in the Top 10 Box Office hits. Still, it was a silly crush, and with me religiously taunting Vivienne for her tendency to fan-girl over her boy bands and Hollywood hunks, I couldn't crack my exterior.
I turned to Vivienne, raising my eyebrows as I noticed her drumming her fingers along a white envelope she held turned away from me. Her lips disappeared behind her gleefully clenched teeth. She looked like she was about to physically burst with the information she stored inside of her.
“Got something there?”
“Okay, okay, I was gonna wait till later, but I'm dying here,” she grinned, tossing the envelope onto my lap. “You've got mail.”
“Holy crap, no way,” I breathed, my eyes bugging out at the black-and-red logo of PostHaste Media.
I pulled out the letter from the already-open envelope, scanning the contents intently with a slacked jaw.
“Sorry, I know, it probably wasn't cool of me to go through your mail,” hasted Vivienne as she clapped her hands giddily. “I just couldn't wait, you've been talking about it all day. Congratulations! You got the internship!”
“YES!”
My heart thundering in my chest, I sprang up from the stability ball without warning. Striking a celebratory pose, I began to cabbage-patch around the living room. Vivienne joined me, our harmonized screeches bringing Gary to his feet.
“O-kay,” said Gary, draping his stinky undershirt over his shoulder as we danced around him. He gave me a quick fist bump before snaking past us. “Congrats, Jolene. You deserve it. Y'all have a good night now.”
The door swung shut behind Gary, lea
ving us to bask in my small, but desperately needed triumph.
Chapter Two: Bradley
“Looking good guys. You're doing the Lord's work here, removing all traces of La Diabla.”
“Get rid of it all – burn all that crap to the ground, I say!”
Kevin Miller and Michael Goldstein, my bonehead college buddies, stood on either ends of the double stairway to our grand entryway. Their hands tucked under their armpits as they leaned on the handrails, they watched with great amusement as men in matching overalls carefully hefted Tanya's antique vanity dresser down the steps. I shook my head, grinning as I waved them off to the side.
“Get your smart asses outta the way so these fine gentlemen can carry on with their work, please,” I announced, letting out a sigh of relief as they unloaded the vanity onto the landing unscathed. “I can't have a single scratch on any of Tanya's belongings or I'll have my ass handed to me on one of her Royal Copenhagen plates.”
“I believe that,” the supervisor muttered, directing the others to the back of the U-haul parked outside the front doors. He pulled off his snapback and wiped off the sheen of sweat on his fully inked head, complaining, “Don't know how she got her hands on my home number. She must've called over ten times last night and filled up our machine threatening my family in the most creative ways, too. I finally had to disconnect the phone line so the missus and the kids could sleep.”
“Sorry about that.” I scratched at the back of my neck, pulling out a name card from my wallet and handing it to him. “Here's the number of an excellent attorney if you wanna hit her with harassment.”
“I don't need the drama,” said the supervisor as he pocketed the card. “But I'll be happy to forward you the messages she left if that'll help you at all in any way with your case against her in the divorce.”
“Good looking out,” I said gratefully to the supervisor, nodding at him. “I'm gonna need all the help I can get – God knows she's not gonna make any of this easy.”
“Not a problem. Alright, the boys and I should be about done here. That vanity was the last on the list. If there's anything else we can do for you, don't hesitate to call us.”
“Thanks again,” I called out to him. “Drive safe!”
“Bet you're glad you signed that prenup, huh?” said Kevin, snickering. “I remember she was mad as hell when she found out. Pulled a Godzilla and overturned our poker table and everything. And that's why you should never doubt your boys.”
“Voice of an angel. A soulless, modern harpy. Fast, you must run now,” said Goldstein poetically, beaming toothily.
“How long were you sitting on that one?” I asked him incredulously. “Did you really just write a haiku about my failed marriage? You need a –”
“Are all of Tanya's things gone?”
Our banter froze, turning around to face the figure that soundlessly crept up behind us. We relaxed at the sight of Henry, his eyes riveted to Kevin's Air Jordan retros. As usual, my brother was sporting one of his many treasured pop culture T-shirts ranging from classics to near obscurity. Today, he wore one of his all-time favorites – an Alf shirt that made its appearance on a bi-weekly basis.
“Hey, Henry. What's good, buddy?” Kevin greeted him, lowering his outstretched hand as Henry decidedly ignored the gesture.
“Hi. Not much,” Henry replied curtly. He shifted slightly in my direction, reiterating, “Are all of Tanya's things gone?”
“Yup, that's the last of it,” I told him, my brows furrowing in concern as I detected his flaring nostrils and stiffening shoulders.
“What's the matter, Henry?” Goldstein offered helpfully, cocking his head to the side. “You not in the mood to celebrate with us?”
“No,” Henry replied simply, reaching into his pocket. He proceeded to retrieve his PS-Vita, resuming his game of God of War as he lingered in the background.
“Hey, Mr. Winslow!”
The chief household affairs manager to my estate strode in from the living room, joining us in the entryway. An esteemed man in his sixties who dressed in his own uniform of strictly plaid suits, he was like an eccentric father figure of sorts. Even with the five insufferable years I tried to make it work with Tanya's wrath, it was John Winslow's unflappably soft-spoken demeanor that kept me whipped in shape and on track with my crazy schedules.
He crouched down and began closing the front doors, bolting the upper and lower locks to the left.
“Afternoon, gentlemen.”
“You're probably the most thrilled of 'em all to finally get rid of that succubus stench stinking up the house, aren't ya? Ding-dong, the bitch is gone!”
“Very good, sir,” replied Mr. Winslow in his trademark one-tone cadence.
Just as he began to close the door on the right, a knee-high boot kicked through the doorway.
“Don't you dare close that door in my face. Step aside, Winslow!”
Mr. Winslow shot her a derisive look before disappearing into the kitchen. I could almost feel my balls shrinking as Tanya shoved her way into the house, the “lucky” snakeskin boots she wore to every CMA show clicking obnoxiously on the stone tiles. For the most part, I'd always been more logical and level-headed with everything in my life, particularly when it came to business. Asking Tanya to marry me after a whirlwind romance that barely lasted six months was a decision that baffles and haunts me to this day.
For a split-second, I found myself ogling at her jiggling cleavage from her angry panting. I would be lying if I said she didn't look fucking bangable in her extremely low-cut dress, but any chance of even a half-chub flew right out the door the moment she opened her mouth.
“Wait outside!” she barked to her bodyguards, who swiftly backtracked out the door. “I can handle this myself.”
Exchanging knowing looks, Kevin and Goldstein broke out into song as Tanya stomped towards us.
“Oh-oh, here she comes. Watch out boys, she'll chew you up. Oh-oh, here she comes. She's a –”
“Shut. Up!” Tanya snarled, the heavy, uterus-shaped earrings weighing down her earlobes swinging as she sized up the glaringly off-key duo. “Cut that shit out right now!”
“–Man-eater.”
“What?” said Goldstein innocently, shrugging. “Is it a crime to burst into spontaneous song? I'll have you know, John Oates' mustache is a damned national treasure –”
“Oh my God, are you still here?” Tanya groaned, the natural tone to her voice absurdly piercing for such a small woman. “Watch yourself, one quick phone call and I'll have your slimy, Seinfeld-looking ass depor –”
“Hi, Tanya.”
“Oh, Henry! Hi, I didn't see you there!” said Tanya, the smile on her face sickeningly sweet as she wrapped her arms around him. The instant switch on her expression was as remarkable as it was unnerving.
To our surprise, Henry returned the hug in his own way, slowly patting and sneaking in a whiff of Tanya's hair. Kevin mimed firing a gun to his head behind them, signaling a mind explosion. I nodded, acknowledging the look of alarm on Kevin and Goldstein's faces. It would have been priceless if the situation weren't so damn dire. Tanya's nose wrinkled, her displeasure dissipating as she wriggled free from his grasp.
“Golly, I think you're getting cuter each day,” Tanya simpered, disregarding the gagging noises my friends made behind her. “So how's everything at work? I hope your big, bad brother isn't working you to death –”
“Work's fine,” Henry stated matter-of-factly, his shoulders slumped as he lost interest. He walked away from the conversation, seating himself on the steps to return to his beeping console.
“Alright then,” Tanya muttered, pouting. She turned towards me instead, glimpsing at Kevin and Goldstein's smug faces as she pleaded with me. “Can we talk, please? Somewhere you know – without Dumb and Dumber around?”
Despite my friends' loud, overt warnings, I agreed. I knew it was best to get it over with. Beyond that, I needed to keep things civil. I couldn't promise that I was gonna succeed, but i
t's only in my best interests to try.
“Sure,” I said as I led Tanya into the living room. “If I'm not out in five minutes, alert Father O'Nealy immediately. That man's the finest exorcist in town.”
Damn. So close.
The pinhead glass on our sliding doors rattled as Tanya closed them forcefully behind her. She flattened herself against the door, staring at me wistfully with those stunning green eyes I was once went bat-shit crazy for. I lowered my gaze to the ground, folding my arms over my chest as if to brace myself.
“So what did you wanna talk about? Let's make this snappy. I don't think our lawyers would appreciate us conversing without at least one of them present.”
“Bradley, please, I know you think you wanna go through with this, but –”
“Oh, no,” I corrected her with the utmost confidence. “I'm sure. You see – the movers just hauled out the last of your shit, and the locksmith should be in here soon to change the locks to every single door on the premises.”
“You're making a huge mistake,” said Tanya, her voice warbling as if she was having difficulty believing her own bullshit. “Can we just talk about what happened?”
“Gladly. Where do you wanna start? You wanna talk about how you were missing session after session with our marriage counselor 'cause you were too busy screwing your 19-year-old fuck-boy? Or no, should we take a gander at all the false domestic abuse charges you've filed to authorities over the course of our marriage?”
“Don't be like that, Bradley, please. Those charges were dropped, weren't they? Just give me another chance –”
“Interesting,” I goaded her, my chest puffing out beneath my arms. “No, no – 'felons' with non-violent charges for drug possession on their criminal records deserve another chance. You? You deserve jack-shit.”
“Bradley, listen to me,” Tanya begged shrilly. “What about Bruges?”
I froze, softening slightly at the mention of the Flemish city. On our first date, we saw that Colin Farrell movie, together – In Bruges. On top of wetting ourselves with the wittily dark humor, we fell in love with the hauntingly beautiful European city. We often talked about one day leaving all the fame behind, packing up all our shit and retiring somewhere in the countryside. It was like one of those words you'd stowed away in the back of your mind, almost forgetting it existed. Still, it mattered enough at some point – we had the name of the place engraved inside our wedding bands. The same wedding band the bitch didn't even have the decency of removing as she went to town on her frat-boy dildos.
Tackled by the King: A Bad Boy Sports Romance Page 29
