Right now, I know the incident is playing on his mind. He was very tentative moving around the rest of the day and he sat in my lap this afternoon for a couple of hours. I have to admit I took some comfort in that. It’s one of those parental guilty pleasures to enjoy cuddling with your kids when they’re sick. Reese is so incredibly active all the time, and now that he’s mobile, he rarely agrees to snuggle with me when we’re not in bed. He’s so much like you in that way. The only time you ever let me simply sit with my arm around you was when you first woke up on weekends and when you didn’t feel well.
The house seems extraordinarily still tonight. I miss you right now even more than usual. There are times when I almost convince myself that it’s okay for us to run on separate tracks these days. Today isn’t one of them, though. I remember when little Billy Weston broke his leg a couple of years ago and how great you were with him, playing videogames with him, reading him stories, and even baking cookies for him. This was during the nascent stages of your drive for emancipation and it was so completely reassuring to see: to know that regardless of how hard you were pushing against your mother and me you could still be giving and patient and compassionate with others. I knew right at that moment (though I certainly believed it before) that you were the kind of person who others could count on, a great foul-weather friend, someone who came through in the clutch.
I could have used a little of that tonight when Reese went to sleep and I felt the full impact of the day. Since it was Saturday night, you would have gone out with your friends, of course. But maybe you would have made me some macaroons or something first. That would have helped. Immeasurably.
TWENTY-THREE
Mom’s Old Recipe
Reese slept until a little after nine the next morning. This was an absolute first for him and an indication of how much his body and soul had been through yesterday. I didn’t get up until I heard him babbling in his crib, which I guess meant I felt rather beaten up myself.
When I walked into his room, he smiled at me, scrambled to the edge of his crib, and threw his arms up. I took him out and he put his arms around my neck. He started giving me these little hugs about a month ago, but it meant something different to me this morning. I changed his diaper and he giggled when I tickled his belly. I needed to change the dressing at his temple as well, but I decided to give that a little time. I didn’t want to remind him of his injury right after he got up.
We went into the family room to play on the floor. I pulled out a few of his toys and, while I did this, he crawled over to the coffee table. I thought I saw him hesitate for a moment when he got there, but it’s very possible I projected that on him. Then he reached up and stood, turning to me and pounding the table at the same time. This caused him to slip and he landed on his bottom. But he immediately got up again and started working his way around the table. His injury was so yesterday. I was somewhat reluctant to play our little game of chase, nervous about his slipping and falling again. But I simply couldn’t help myself. The fact that he wanted to do it was just too appealing.
Codie came later that morning. It wasn’t until I saw her walk up the driveway that I remembered we’d planned a brunch together. This was the day she was going to meet Ally.
“You look comfortable,” she said when she reached the door. “I’m so glad you don’t feel the need to dress up for me.” I wore a Yankees 2000 World Series Championship t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I was un-showered and unshaven.
“I forgot you were coming,” I said regretfully.
“I’ll try not to be offended by that. Where’s my nephew?” Reese crawled up behind me.When Codie saw the bandage on the side of his head, she knelt down and scooped him up. “What happened to him?”
“We had a day here yesterday.”
“Is he okay?”
“Does he look okay?
“He always looks okay,” she said, nuzzling his neck and handing him the electronic toy phone she brought. She pressed a button and the phone played a song. Reese thought this was very entertaining. I was glad he let Codie pick him up so easily. Sometimes he didn’t. It would have been especially tough if he’d reacted badly to her today, though, after I told her she slipped my mind.
“What’s going on?” she said.
“He fell. We went to the emergency room. There were stitches and this restraining device that I thought they’d stopped using in medieval times.”
“Where’s Ally?”
“And then there’s the thing that happened with Ally.”
While I made coffee, I told Codie about our breakup.
“I really screwed up. I keep seeing the look on her face. I can’t believe I made someone look like that.”
“Why don’t you call her?”
“I can’t call her. First of all, I doubt she’ll even take the call. But more than that, I don’t know what to say.”
“You sound pretty sorry about this. Start there.”
“I am sorry about it.”
“But you can’t call her.”
“I can’t.”
“Is this one of those secret fraternity things that women aren’t allowed to understand?”
I chuckled sadly and sat next to Codie, kissing her hair. She wrapped an arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. “I can’t because I can’t promise her that it won’t happen again.”
“Things happen, Gerry. People say things out of anger sometimes and hurt people unintentionally.”
“I didn’t hurt her unintentionally.”
Codie pulled back to look at me.
“I didn’t do it to hurt her, but I did do it intentionally. I just didn’t see it that way at the time. I did it to drive her away.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not ready for her. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready for her. So I can’t call her because if I do we might get back together. And I can’t promise her that I won’t freak out all over again – for exactly the same reason – three weeks from now. It’s kinda hard to realize that after all this time I haven’t gotten very far.”
Codie didn’t say anything, only held me a little tighter.
“I should start making something for us to eat,” I said. “I’m sorry; I kind of dropped the ball here today.”
“You know what? You go take a shower. I’ll make us something.”
“What?”
“Go take a shower. I’ll whip something up.”
I laughed. “You whip things up?”
“I’m working on it. Look, if I’m going to have a kid, I need to be able to cook, right? The kitchen’s the center of the home and all that stuff.”
I kissed her on the top of the head. “You, on the other hand, have gotten very, very far. You humble me.”
“Go take a shower.”
I nodded and walked off to my room. It felt especially good to have water streaming over me this morning. Though it was early August and the air conditioning was working hard to counteract the dead-of-summer heat, I turned the hot water high, allowing it to massage the back of my neck for several minutes. I might have stayed like this for hours if I weren’t so curious about what Codie was whipping up.
I went back to the kitchen to see Codie flipping pancakes and Reese tearing one apart on the tray of his high chair.
“Why don’t you have any blueberries?” she said.
“I don’t?”
“Not unless you’ve hidden them in the laundry room or something.”
“Sorry.”
She turned two pancakes apiece for us onto plates and then nodded me toward the dining room table. The pancakes were surprisingly good and I told her so.“ Mom’s old recipe.”
“I didn’t know your mom had an old pancake recipe.”
“Yeah, this was a bit of a cheat. I’ve been making these since I was ten.”
“How is it possible that I didn’t know about this after all this time?”
“Didn’t Maureen ever make breakfast for you?”
I searc
hed my mind. “She made me oatmeal a couple of times.”
“Right. Because you always did the cooking and she loved that. I mean it wasn’t just because she didn’t really like doing it.”
“I know.”
“She always told me – no, I think it was more like she taunted me – that you spoiled her.”
“We spoiled each other, trust me.”
Codie offered a knowing glance. “So she ruined you for any other woman?”
I looked down at my plate. “Yeah, something like that.”
We ate in silence for a couple of minutes. I dipped an edge of Reese’s second pancake (the one he didn’t tear to shreds) in my maple syrup and gave him a taste. He worked his lips around the sugar the way he had from the time he was much, much smaller, and then ate the rest of the pancake without any more syrup.
“You know,” I said, “I never stopped trying to show off for Maureen. I mean, when we first started dating, I always wanted to prove to her that there was no other man in the world she could be happy with. The songs, the food, the dates, the back rubs, all of it. But even after I, you know, won her, I refused to let up. I wanted her to be a hundred percent certain at all times that she made the right decision.”
“She got the message.”
“I know she got the message. But I still needed to keep delivering it.”
“It was a good idea.” Codie took a sip of her coffee. “Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah,” she said, “you do.”
• • •
That afternoon, Tate’s family had a going-away party for him. I’d planned to take Reese, but Codie volunteered to stay with him and it was really better for all of us. It didn’t elude me that I felt none of the concerns about leaving my son with his aunt today that I felt about leaving him with my now-former girlfriend yesterday.
Though we grew up in each other’s households, I hadn’t seen most of the people at the party since Tate’s wedding. His cousin Laura, who I had a major crush on as a teenager, sat at a table drinking gin and yelling at her kids. His brother Stan tried to convince me to invest in a strip mall. It seemed that everyone there knew about Maureen and Tanya. Many people asked after Reese. Tate’s mother asked after Ally.
Zak and Sara hung around with their cousins. Zak played “Running Bases,” outside with a group of kids. Sara chose to stay inside to watch a Pixar movie. It dawned on me that they would have fewer opportunities to get together with these relative-friends in the future, though for all I knew, Tate would foist the kids off on his family when he came across the country to visit.
We hadn’t gotten much of a chance to speak since he’d told me about the job. While the rest of our lunch that day wasn’t nearly as contentious as it began, it wasn’t relaxed. The few conversations we’d had since then were a little awkward. Still, we had been close for decades and would see a lot less of each other in the future. I didn’t want to miss the chance to say a proper goodbye.
The party was crowded and loud. Unlike mine, Tate had a huge family and they always showed up at events like this one. For the first hour I was there, I couldn’t get a second alone with him, as person after person dominated him.
On my way to get something to drink, I ran into Zak, who came in from his game. “Did you steal a lot of bases?” I said.
“I came in second. Danielle is 12.”
“I’m impressed.”
“Where’s the baby?”
“He’s staying with his aunt. He got a little bang on the side of his head yesterday and we thought it would be better if he stayed home. Want something?”
I got Zak a Coke and we stood drinking for a moment. “I’ll get to see him again, right?” he said. “Of course you will. Don’t worry. I know it seems like he’s going really far away, but everything is going to turn out fine.”
“Yeah, I know. I was talking about Reese.”
“Oh,” I said, laughing. “Definitely. Anytime you want, really. Even if your dad isn’t around. Your mom and I are friends, too.”
“You are?”
“You knew that, didn’t you?”
“I guess. Sometimes I get confused.”
“I can understand that.”
A couple of kids came by to tell Zak that they were going to be shooting baskets on the driveway. Zak told them he’d be out in a minute and then turned back to me.
“I guess I am a little worried about my dad,” he said when the kids left.
“Try not to be. I know that sounds stupid, but try. You guys will figure this new thing out.”
“Yeah. I can hang out with you and Reese sometimes?”
“No question about it. I’ll give your mom a call.”
He nodded and drank his Coke. Another couple of kids came by to tell him they were putting a game together.
“Wanna play with us?” he said.
“I’m an excellent basketball player.”
“Good, I’ll make sure you get on my team.”
Just then, Tate walked in our direction and ruffled Zak’s hair.
“Gerry’s coming out to play basketball with us,” Zak said.
“He is?” He turned to me. “Still got that little fade-away jump shot?”
“Who knows? I haven’t touched a basketball in five years.”
“I thought you said you were good,” Zak said.
“I am good. You never lose skills like mine. I’ll meet you outside in a few minutes.Don’t let the other team pick me.”
Zak gave me a thumbs-up and walked away. Tate got another beer.
“You ready?” I said when he returned.
“Movers came and took most of the stuff yesterday. We’re staying with my parents until I leave tomorrow.” “When do you start?”
“I have meetings with a bunch of people Thursday and Friday, but my first day in the office is next Monday. I wanted a few days to get everything in order.” “Are you excited?”
“Pretty much.” He looked around the room and raised his beer bottle to one of his cousins. “I don’t know, now I’m starting to think about the kids. We had a good day yesterday. Figures, huh?”
“So go out there and blow people away for a little while. Then come back home.We’ll all be waiting for you.”
“Thanks.Where are Ally and the baby?”
“Reese is staying with Codie.We had a little emergency room incident yesterday. Ally is currently in the process of putting as much distance between the two of us as humanly possible.”
“You split?”
“I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
“It was bound to happen, you know.”
“I suppose.”
“Swings and misses.”
“Something like that.”
Tate waved to another relative passing by, which prompted her to stop and make small talk. She left a few minutes later.
“Listen,” he said, “I know what it looks like with me taking this job on the West Coast. Believe me when I tell you that I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing.”
“Just don’t disappear out there, okay?”
He smiled. “I’ll try not to.” He looked around again. “All these people. The last time I left home a third of them weren’t part of the family yet and another third weren’t born.”He patted me on the shoulder. “Hey, you’ve got a basketball game.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Think they’ll let me play, too?”
“Not if your reputation preceded you. And I’m not guarding you.”
“Oh, come on. Let me whip your ass one more time as a going-away present. If you insist, I’ll even let you block one of my shots before I blow you out of the water.”
Dad,
This isn’t working either. Syd’s great, the store’s great, I even like the people I’m crashing with. But I’m not great. Syd played this old Eric Andersen album and when the song “Be True to You” came on, I was just barely able to finish helping a customer before I had to run
to the back room. I thought about Mom and I just started crying uncontrollably. I mean I couldn’t stop myself for something like ten minutes.
The weird thing is that it wasn’t even Mom who played that song for me. It was you. The first time you played it was after I got a C in English because Mr. Edelstein didn’t like what I said about “The Yearling.” Do you remember that?
I think there might be something wrong with me. Not everyone who has a loved one die can possibly go through what I’m going through. I don’t seem to be able to make it for more than a couple of hours without breaking down. It made Mick run away from me and I think I totally shook Syd up after this last episode. I just can’t imagine that you’re letting this happen to you – and I’m not saying that because I don’t think it hurts you as much but because I just think you’re stronger. You have to be. Do you think I might really be broken in some way?
One of the people I met here hooked me up with someone to talk to and I’m going to see her tomorrow. I don’t know what she could possibly say to make me feel even a little bit better, but I hope she does. I need to feel better. I really need it.
Hearts,
T
In the face of everything else that had happened this weekend, this message was especially hard to receive. I was beside myself. I needed to hold Tanya. I needed to tell her that she was more okay than she realized. I needed to let her know that I would do everything in my power to ease her through this process, to share experiences with her and help her learn to move forward. But while she had been more forthcoming in this message than in any before, she still didn’t give me any way to get back to her.
When You Went Away Page 25
