And that’s one of the most powerful and inspiring lessons to come out of this: that we made a choice to do what’s right for our child not just when he’s young, but going forward into the future. It’s been a difficult choice, but we know it’s the right choice. We’ve learned from our early experiences, and we’ve seen for ourselves how an environment that’s supportive heavily influences how easily children can come to embrace themselves.
Our having pursued this path so early doesn’t mean that Ryland’s future doesn’t hold risks—it does and it always will—but it does mean that we’re better prepared to face those risks because we’ve looked at them head-on for what they are. We’ve also grown to understand them, and we’ve accepted them. Without our having done that, I know there’s no way Ryland would be as well-adjusted a child as he is today.
So for the moment, we try to keep our focus on what most parents want to teach their children. We want him to understand how important it is for him to continue to be a good, appreciative person. I’m glad he won’t have to look back on his childhood with sadness and grief, and I hope that we can raise a child like everyone else aims to have: a respectful, kind, thoughtful, humble, hardworking, happy kid.
To use my dad’s well-meaning words during Ryland’s birth, there has been a lot of “real heavy stuff” in our experience. There was our decision to support Ryland’s transition, the notoriety that followed the YouTube release, my advocacy through writing and speaking, and Jeff’s change of careers (about which, he says today, “I don’t regret my decision to leave, but I do regret not trying to open up and educate more of the guys about Ryland”). Ryland doesn’t need to know that on our date nights, Jeff and I are attending vigils for trans teens who have taken their lives, or that I receive an email alert that informs me of the African-American transgender women who are murdered each week. I want to protect my son from these vicious truths, though I know I can do it only for so long.
For now, we’re doing what we can to preserve our children’s innocence. Our son and daughter are constantly surprising us with their quirkiness and intelligence. I wish I could videotape and take pictures at every moment . . . but I have reeled it in with the photos and videos—not because I don’t want to capture these moments, but because privacy is growing to be the preference in our home. Recently, when Ryland lost one of his two front teeth, I took out my camera. “Smile!” I told him.
“Mom,” he said, “would you please put the camera away?” Maybe this is just Ryland being a seven-year-old, but we often wonder if he has grown uncomfortable with his life being captured on video. For more than a year after the YouTube video release, there were a lot of cameras around us and around him. Ryland came out publicly to encourage change in our world, not to gain attention for himself, and a part of me believes that today, as he has become more secure with himself, he is over the attention. He just wants to be a kid. I’ve tried to respect his wishes, even though the mother in me wants to capture everything that he and his sister do.
(Toddler Brynley, meanwhile, loves the attention!)
My biggest fear is that Ryland may someday resent me, his mother, for being so open and honest about our life as a family. My intent has never been to exploit our situation, but rather to teach the public and normalize our journey. I have to admit: sometimes it even feels violating to me to open ourselves up to the world. I know that by allowing Ryland to transition young, I have taken on a role as an advocate. I’ve been very conscious about that. I do not want to drag Ryland into my fight.
The “heavy stuff” around this subject is big . . . but it’s the everyday experiences we encounter that really encourage Jeff and me to practice the love and acceptance that we’re hoping the people in Ryland’s life will use toward him. Ryland’s and Brynley’s biggest concerns are what we’re doing after school, what snack they can eat, or whom they can invite over for their next playdate . . . and we want to keep it that way. We want them both to have the chance to grow up feeling that they’re normal. Kristin Beck is a transgender woman who was a high-ranking Navy SEAL during part of her life as a male. When Jeff and I were still trying to determine whether Ryland was a tomboy or if there was something more going on, I read Kristin’s memoir, Warrior Princess, and reached out to her for some very personal insight. She responded graciously, and in our correspondence that followed, I told her that if she ever visited San Diego, we were a “safe place” for her (something that we as the family of a transgender individual always appreciate hearing) and that we would love to meet her.
Lo and behold, she came to visit us. I was honored to meet her, and Ryland took an instant liking to her when she introduced Ryland to Minecraft, a video game that’s all the rage among kids today.
Enthusiastically, Kristin accompanied us to one of Ryland’s first practices on the boys’ soccer team, and while I was so thrilled to welcome her to join us, I experienced a moment of deep sadness after our outing. It was the adults around us, not so much the children, who gawked at her in obvious judgment. Kristin took it in stride, remained comfortable in her skin, and helped me see, again, why I’m fighting to help other people understand this.
It also made me appreciative to be the family we are. How we are as a family becomes who our children are as individuals, plain and simple. For example, when I think of our little Brynley, she’ll grow up knowing and embodying unconditional acceptance. To me, that is so cool! This kind of evolution is what fosters change in our world.
There remain many uncertainties for us, now and in the days ahead. There is still a gap in our current medical system. After all we went through with Ryland’s hearing situation, we were fortunate to find a pediatrician who didn’t tell us “not to lose sleep” over the transgender worries. She heard us out and supplied us with the materials that we needed to ensure the health and well-being of our child during his gender transition. Right now, unfortunately, we do not have enough pediatricians or physicians in the world like her who understand how to treat transgender individuals. When I recently accepted an invitation to sit on a panel for UCSD pediatric residents, I took a moment to question the room of soon-to-be-doctors. “Have any of you done a formal study on transgender people?”
I glanced around. So did they. Not a single hand.
“How many of you are aware of studies on transgender individuals that have been done?”
A couple of hands went up tentatively. For most of them, the only training they’d ever been exposed to was the question-and-answer panel that I was sitting on in that moment. How can we expect children’s issues like this to be diagnosed and addressed appropriately if physicians aren’t being formally trained on this medical situation? We need more pediatric endocrinologists, like Dr. Johanna Olson, who are willing to treat patients in the ways that they need, before they begin to harm their bodies and even attempt suicide. There is still very little research or knowledge available on this population of people, so doctors act very conservatively, which sometimes causes the trans child to experience even more stress. Also, there tends to be fear in treating a trans child who has emotional instability such as severe depression, but often, that emotional instability is a result of not feeling validated by his or her family, peers, teachers, and our society! It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m proud to say, it stops here.
For Ryland, what we know for sure is that we want him to be happy at this stage, as well as in his adolescent years, as an adult and at every moment in between, and we’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen. If that means pursuing hormone blockers that would prevent his body from progressing through a female puberty, or cross hormones so that he can develop the male body with which he aligns, then that’s what we’ll do. We know that this is a scary thought for many people . . . but for us as Ryland’s parents, the alternative is much, much scarier. We’re doing what we can to make our child’s future bright.
I like to think that Ryland will be known for something other than being deaf and transgender. He could become one of the w
orld’s great drummers or pianists, an athlete, a doctor, a successful businessperson, a teacher . . . or a kind, loving kid who helped change the world. It’s not fair to attach two labels to Ryland without really seeing his other amazing attributes, too. Even strangers meeting him for the first time say there is just something special about Ryland.
Day by day, we go back and pave closure over the damage that was done in the weeks and months following Ryland’s transition. Every little bit of progress feels huge. In early 2015, Ryland took his first-ever swim lessons wearing his waterproof processors, and he found that he really enjoyed swimming with sound. He continues to take lessons from the youngest son in the family that owns the swim school. He has only ever known Ryland as a boy.
Today my cousin Melissa is also a mother, and in 2015, as I was writing this book, one night Ryland asked me to sit down with him for a talk. “Mom,” he said, “why don’t you and Melissa talk to each other anymore?”
I hated to tell him that it was because I felt she hadn’t been accepting of who he was, but actually, I didn’t have to tell him that. He told me that he already knew. Tears welled up in his eyes and he said to me, “Why can’t you just call her, and tell her that I’m a boy?” To him, forgiveness was that simple a process. I’d experienced so much pain in the near-year of estrangement from Melissa that I decided to give Ry’s idea a try.
The next morning, I felt compelled to act on Ryland’s request. My goal has always been to make Ryland feel as though he is accepted by everyone, and I knew that I needed to make the effort to mend the relationship with Melissa, even if that meant swallowing my pride and admitting my fault in the matter. I had to try my best to set the example of forgiveness for Ryland.
I dialed Melissa, and she answered her phone. We had a long conversation about our falling-out, and she admitted to having wanted to call me over the past few months. Though she never really acknowledged my belief that she hadn’t been accepting of Ryland, through the entire forty-minute conversation she referred to Ryland as “he” without a hiccup. We kept the conversation light, talking about her son, who was now nearing his first birthday. I made a point to apologize for my “mama bear” reaction to her wedding plans, and we ended the conversation with her suggestion to Skype with the kids in the near future.
As I was writing this, we hadn’t had that conversation yet, and deep down, I’m still not sure if she completely understands. I do know, however, that she’s trying and that our reconciliation was a step in the right direction. Our relationship may never be as close as it once was, but at least we’ve made amends, and I feel that my forgiveness has allowed for a weight to be lifted off my shoulders. We can’t change the past. I just want peace in our life and in the lives of the people we care about.
To that end, I continue to focus my positive energy on the things I can help to improve. I have recently become a member of a Transgender Task Force for San Diego County, made up of LGBTQ-friendly members of the county foster care and child welfare services. Our meetings are filled with firsthand accounts of children being given up for adoption for being born intersex and of teenagers being kicked out of their adoptive homes for “coming out.” These children end up falling under the supervision of the court system and judges who are often uneducated on the struggles of the LGBTQ youth.
With a team that includes Barry Fox, the man who more than twenty years ago was the first person in San Diego to place a foster child with gay adoptive parents, we’re developing resources to help caregivers and social workers, we’re strategizing on how to educate the court system and attorneys on medical interventions that are necessary for trans kids, we’re developing a resource for youth to receive a court-approved list of LGBT providers that the county will pay for. I dream of the day when I can sleep at night knowing that our judges, attorneys, doctors, social workers, counselors, and teachers are equipped to properly make decisions for transgender children.
As a parent, I do feel a duty to do my part to help people understand this is not a choice. It is not weird, it’s not disgusting. This is real.
These are people.
We all deserve to be loved. Male or female, inside and outside, too—
We all started as children.
Acknowledgments
Lisa Sharkey, thank you for having faith in our family. Without your vision, commitment, and expertise, I would not have this opportunity to share our story, in its entirety, with the world.
Krissy Gasbarre, I must dedicate any credit for this book to you. Your compassionate approach allowed me to dig deeper into my past pains and only you could transform those memories into a beautiful narrative. I knew it would take a special person to work on this project, but I couldn’t have asked for anyone more incredible than you. And to the Gasbarre family and David Yoo, for being the awesome support system behind Krissy and this project.
Matt Harper, Daniella Valladares, Amy Bendell, Alieza Schvimer, Paul Lamb, Heidi Richter, and the brilliant HarperCollins Team: I truly appreciate your dedication, talent, and hard work. I wish I could personally thank every single one of you at HarperCollins who made this book possible.
Joel Weinstein, fierce and strong, for making me feel safe in the chaos of going public. Your attention to detail and commitment to protecting our family has allowed me to sleep better at night.
Sara Shillinglaw and Emily Clay, thank you for pushing us to be bold by going public and sharing our video with the world.
Walker Clark, you held me accountable to my dream of writing a book. You have taught me so much about myself and how to accomplish my goals; not to let my fears or others hold me back, and to stop worrying so much! Thank you for giving me the tools to accomplish whatever I set my mind to achieving.
Jennifer Fenelli, Renee Herrenschmidt, and my close girlfriends, you have been the rocks that I can always lean on in the hardest, most complicated times. You have been some of the biggest blessings in my life.
Darlene Tando, you have helped me be a better mother, person, and advocate. You have a gift that has helped change countless lives. I admire your selfless work and your incredible soul.
Eric and Karen Smith and the community at Foothills United Methodist Church, you have given us the guidance and reassurance that we can have an open mind and still have a loving relationship with God.
Dad, Mom, Peg, Rand, and our entire family, immediate and extended on both sides, thank you for showering our children with love, helping us through some rough patches, loving us unconditionally, and having patience with us. Thank you for trusting us and joining us on this journey. We know the last few years have been tough and your endurance has been incredible. We love you so much and you mean the world to us.
For Ryan, selfishly, I want you here, but I know you are finally in peace. I will always love you and keep your memory alive for Ryland and Brynley.
For my cherished friends, some from my hometown of Lake Elsinore, some from San Diego, and many from around the globe, who have stood by us through the thick of it all. Thank you for having tolerance with me, when sometimes weeks or months go by between correspondences, and for supporting our family on this journey.
To all of Ryland and Brynley’s providers, from teachers and babysitters to speech therapists and doctors, we cannot thank you enough for protecting our children and helping them be their best selves. Your sensitivity and dedication is something for which we will be forever grateful.
I must thank the neighbors in our community who have stood up for us and taught their children to be accepting, loving individuals, regardless of differences.
I also want to thank the many people from the cochlear implant community who helped us gain the knowledge to best help Ryland, especially the Wolff family for teaching us to be strong advocates for our children.
Thank you to founders and members of the San Diego Transforming Families Group, the SD LGBT Center, SD Pride, the talented team behind Raising Ryland, Canvas for a Cause, TYFA, The Trevor Project, NCLR, Gender Spectrum, GL
AAD, HRC, GLSEN, PFLAG, and the many other LGBTQ organizations and people dedicated to helping our world progress.
Thank you to our local and national leaders, fighting for equality and human rights for all people.
Thank you to the authors, who inspired me along this path like Janet Mock, Jennifer Finney Boylan, Diane Ehrensaft, Stephanie Brill, Rachel Pepper, Ryan Sallans, Kristen Beck, Andrew Solomon, and many more.
To Ryland’s friends: Thank you for seeing him as the boy he is, and for changing the world’s history of intolerance.
Last, but certainly not least, I must thank three of the most important people in my life: Jeff, Ryland, and Brynley. You adjusted to life without me while I was diligently writing this book (it was probably harder on me than you). I am grateful for your understanding while I conquered this goal. I hope it will make a positive impact on the world, so all of our lives will be more peaceful and joyous.
To those of you I was not able to personally name, who have inspired me along the way, sent us messages I couldn’t always respond to and even packages in the mail, I truly appreciate the positive impact you have made on my life. I have learned from each and every one of you. I feel so blessed to receive the continuous outpouring of love and support. You have given me a wonderful gift: the encouragement to keep fighting for peace, and for that, I will forever be grateful.
About the Author
Mother of two HILLARY WHITTINGTON has advocated for her children for years, serving as a classroom volunteer and public speaker. Through Raising Ryland, Hillary hopes to bring hope, strength, and humor to her experiences as the parent of a transgender child. In sharing her story, she encourages readers to have the courage to make the world a better place for all of us.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
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