I'm not feeling any more optimistic about the idea of having a baby than I was before Brayden knew. I'm back to thinking the best solution, the only solution is not to have it at all. I don't think Brayden really understands what we are in for. I don't think I do either for that matter. But I can't consider getting rid of it if it means he'll hate me for the rest of his life. That's something I can't live with.
I reach across him for his right hand. I look it over and trace my fingers over the thin line running between his knuckles.
"You have a scar. I worried you were seriously hurt."
He shrugs. "I knew I wasn't." He flexes his fingers. "I wanted you to feel bad."
I nod. "I did. I felt awful. I still do. And not just about that." A heavy silence hangs between us. I take a deep breath readying myself for what's coming next. A huge, heavy boulder forms in my belly as I formulate the words in my head. "I know you got home last night, but did you and Alana?" I remember her plans of sneaking him into her bedroom. "Have you guys . . ." I feel heat rushing to my cheeks as the images takes hold in my mind.
"Does it change anything if we did?"
I shrug.
"I told you, I'll end things with her as soon as I can get over to her house. Aside from that, she shouldn't have anything to do with us."
I swallow hard. "I know, it just hurts thinking of you with her."
"I'm sorry." He brings my head to his chest.
I pull away and lean against the car door. I can't have him touch me while I think of her in his arms. "And every time I imagine you touching her and . . ."
"You have no reason to."
"You think I want to have those images in my head? That I can just stop them from popping up there because you tell me not to? Just knowing you're going to see her, and that she's going to wrap herself around you . . ."
"Kenzie, I didn't have sex with her. Until today I haven't seen her since Saturday of Thanksgiving break. Actually that was the only time I saw her."
I close my eyes and let the breath seep out of my lungs. "I can't even believe you were with her. Her of all people."
"She's not too fond of you either."
"Thanks."
He chuckles. "Would it make you feel better to know I was using her to keep tabs on you?"
"How?"
"You had psychology together right?"
I nod.
"A bunch of us were hanging our at Carlos' and she heard we broke up. She kept following me, going on and on, about how miserable you've been looking. Apparently she'd been watching you at school. She said you didn't talk to anyone, just walked around like a zombie and kept to yourself. I knew if I hooked up with her she'd let me know what was going on with you. And I was right."
"That could've easily backfired. What would you've done if she told you I was with someone?"
"Naturally I'd press her to find out who, and then I'd hunt him down and kick his ass."
I smile. I'm not sure he would've really done that, but it's nice to hear.
"Mackenzie," He leans closer to me, reaches his hand out and strokes the side of my face. The way his voice goes up at the end of my name makes me nervous. "I can't keep doing this dance with you."
"I don't know what you mean."
He clears his throat. I have the feeling that he does it strictly for effect. "I mean the breaking up and coming back together. I can't do it anymore. I want to be with you, but you've pushed me away so many times. You've denied your feelings for me, and you almost . . ." He pulls me close, and I lean into him willingly. He kisses the top of my head. "This is it Kenzie. If you break up with me again, we're done. For good."
I nod. I haven't been fair to him. I told myself all along I was trying to do what was right for Brayden. But I wasn't. I was trying to do what was safe for me. I only knew I didn't want to end up like my sister. I didn't want to be heartbroken and humiliated; that's been my driving force. In trying to shelter myself from pain, I brought it on Brayden.
"How do you not hate me?"
"It's simple. I can't stop loving you." He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Alright I have to go do this." He reaches for the door handle.
"Wait."
He turns back and looks at me with questions in his eyes.
I reach into my change holder and pull out a quarter. "Take this." I pause and take a deep breath. "If we're going to be married, we'll need a ring. See if you can get a plastic one out of those grocery store gum-ball machines."
He smiles, and not only does the world around him light up, I can feel the little light inside me that's been dim for months start to flicker and come back to life.
Chapter 14
Truths
Standing in the garage ready to head back into the lions cage, I hear laughter. I put my ear to the door, curious. I hear my mother, Jess and someone else. Not my father, its a female voice. I groan, not feeling up to company until I recognize who it is, Olivia. I let out a relaxing breath. I want to see my friend and delve into her life for a bit. I hope she'll be a nice distraction. It'll be fun to catch up on all the happenings of the semester. I only saw her for two hours over Thanksgiving break. Instead of telling me about school she wen't on about Josh. That's when I tuned her out, I had to.
Listening to her relive every moment of their reunion made my mind jump to Brayden. I didn't say much, I just suffered silently. She didn't seem to notice my disinterest, or just assumed it was a sort of depressive reaction to having to go to college here at home. I felt awful because I really wanted to hear about her roommate and college life. Those things just never came up.
Olivia is sitting at my kitchen table talking with my mother and Jessica when I walk in. She jumps out of her seat and lunges for me. Her arms hold me tight around the neck, as we sway back and forth.
"I missed you so much."
"I just saw you last month."
"I know. How are you?" she asks as she pulls away.
I don't miss how her eyes drop to my stomach. She knows. That didn't take long.
"Come on, Jessica. Let's let the girls talk while we check on your father."
"Can't you check on him yourself?"
"Jessica," my mother admonishes as if she were a young child getting snarky.
"Fine, I'll leave them alone, but I don't want to deal with Dad now. I'll go up to my room."
"Not too long," my mother says in her stern motherly voice to Olivia and me. "We still have a lot to discuss."
I nod. "Okay."
"Do they know?" Olivia whispers when my mother leaves the room.
"They do now."
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks leading me by the hand to a chair at the table.
"I didn't want to tell you over the phone. I can't believe it spread that fast already."
"Yeah, you know how it goes. And I really believe he didn't mean for her to hear but she snuck up on us. . ."
"Who?"
"Scott and me."
"No. Who snuck up on you?"
She takes a long breath in before the name I know is coming leaves her lips.
"Alana."
"Damn it."
"She doesn't matter, she's not important."
I sigh. Unfortunately she is important. Too important. I know her well enough to understand she'll be looking for revenge, and there are two ways to do that. Brayden, and my reputation. I have no illusions that she'll back down and leave me alone. She's going to trash my reputation. It's Brayden I worry about. I'm afraid he might change his mind when he sees her.
"She's pissed that Brayden left her high and dry without even a second thought when he took off after you."
I feel slightly better, as my friend reminds me of our emotional reunion. Still I feel like I'm sitting on porcupine quills until he gets back.
"Scott didn't make a huge announcement?"
"No, I think it freaked him out a little, he actually seemed like he had an ounce of compassion. He wanted me to apologize for giving you a hard time. He said he had no idea it was
that serious. That's when I asked what he was talking about, because as your best friend I was kept completely in the dark. And then we heard Alana's big mouth.
"Great to know something always comes along to make me feel worse than I'm already feeling."
"Hey," she squeezes my hand. "I'm here for you."
"You're here now, today, and I know I could always call you, but other than just being my friend, that's all you could do. All my hopes of leaving here for a fresh start, they're all gone."
"Let's back up a few steps. Does that mean you're going to keep it?"
I'm afraid to say it out loud, but the more it's discussed, the more real the "baby" inside me becomes. While I want to blame Brayden for giving me the cold shoulder, or Jess for making me wait to go to the doctor, the fact my feelings toward it are changing, have changed, is on me, not them. Brayden is right. If I really wanted to get rid of it, I would've done it as soon as I found out. But it’s a part of us, Brayden and me. And I can't put an end to something bred out of the love we shared. No matter how frightened and insecure I feel. I always planned on having kids someday. I just didn't plan on someday coming now, but if I look deep enough into my heart, I know I can't live with myself if I destroy it.
I nod. "I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I don't think I could live with any other decision."
"How did your parents take it?"
"When the dust clears I think they'll be relieved that I'm not on drugs."
"Drugs? You?"
"I know right? Before Brayden got here my father freaked because he knew something was up and Jess and I have been spending a lot of time together."
"It's great that she's able to be here for you. How did Brayden take it? Scott said he was in a panic."
"I guess the way he took off made it look that way. He was in a panic, but because I didn't tell him. He knew where my head was, and that I was leaning toward aborting it and that wasn't what he wanted."
"How can you change your mind so quickly? I mean it's a baby, a whole other life you'll be responsible for. Are you really ready for that?"
"I honestly don't know."
"What does Brayden want?"
"He wants us to have it. Together. He even offered to raise it himself if I didn't want any part of it."
"Just look out for Alana. I don't trust her."
"I know." Time to shift gears. I can't stress over Alana, not while Brayden is still with her. How are things going with Josh?"
She groans.
"See I knew 'what happens at college stays at college,' wasn't a good idea."
"Actually it was a great idea. The problem is I met someone else. I love Josh, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just don't know how to tell him. Or when. I mean it's Christmas."
"Not that I have any right to give advice, but don't string him along. It isn't fair to either of you."
"I know. But then I start thinking, maybe I should just see how things go over the rest of the break. After all, it's not like I'm cheating on him or anything. This was something we both agreed to, and I know he's hooked up with at least one other girl."
I know this is eating away at her. Olivia only rambles when she feels like she's in over her head.
"He told you about her?"
She shakes her head, "No. He's not stupid. We were at his house over Thanksgiving break and he had to go walk the dog. He left his phone on his desk, and I sort of peeked."
"Sort of peeked?"
"I was curious. I didn't expect to find anything. But there it was. A few weeks earlier they had been texting back and forth about how drunk they had been and how much fun they had at this party together. Then she started with, 'How would your girlfriend feel if she knew we were together now?' He apologized for letting her think there was more going on but made it clear that he loved me and wasn't about to risk what we had."
"And you were okay with that?"
"Of course not, it killed me. But I couldn't really say anything, We did agree that it was okay if it happened. When I went back to school after the break I hooked up with this guy I'd been flirting with since school started."
"See that's exactly why I broke up with Brayden. I couldn't handle the idea of him cheating."
"Josh didn't cheat. Neither did I. And I never got the impression that Brayden is a player. If anything, he's always been shy and standoffish. I don't think he would've cheated. I doubt Josh would've either."
"Then why make the stupid agreement?"
"Because I wanted the freedom for myself. I wanted the best of both worlds. I didn't want to feel guilty if I hooked up with someone at school."
I think about my best friend's plans and how they seemed to backfire on her. My plan backfired, too. All of my plans for myself, and my future. So did Alana's for that matter, although that gives me great satisfaction. Why do we bother to spend so much time and energy focusing on how we hope things will turn out? Why make plans at all if they're going to get derailed in the end?
"You wanted that?" I still can't believe it.
She nods, and pulls her phone out of her pocket. "Shit. It's Josh. I was supposed to meet him back at his house."
"Go."
"Are you sure? I'll just cancel with him."
I smile. "It's fine. Really. Besides, I have to face my father and the longer I put it off, the harder it's going to be."
"Okay." She gets to her feet and pulls me in for hug. "I'll be around, so call me if you need me."
"You got it."
*
After seeing my friend off, I close the front door and gather my courage. I don't think I'll ever find enough to face my father, but I no longer have the luxury of waiting, the time has come. I know I need to speak with him before Brayden returns, and even though I'm terrified he'll lace into me, the longer I put if off, the worse the showdown will be.
My father is sitting in the family room, staring at the darkened screen of the television. I wondered if he even realizes it’s off. I take in the brightness of the room and squint a little. It's especially bright today as the sunlight pours in through the endless amount of windows between the floor and the twelve-foot ceiling. I consider pulling the darkening shades across the wall of windows and the French doors leading to the patio. I want to escape the brightness, besides I think darkness would be more apropos. His eyes trail over to the spot where I stand, and he shakes his head.
"What do you know about being a parent? Nothing. You don't even have any younger cousins."
I let out a breath. At least he isn't screaming, although my racing heart doesn't realize that.
"I may not have a lot of experience with younger kids, but I have two amazing parents to look up to and learn from."
He shakes his head. "No you don't. We're terrible parents." He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. "Sit." He pats the space next to him.
My entire body trembles, but I inch toward him with tiny steps. After I make my way over I sit on the end of the cushion next to him.
"Look at the mess we made of Jessica. We handled her all wrong. And you." Again he shakes his head. "We put the burdens of the family on your shoulders rather than take them off you."
I reach out and place my hand on his. "No, you didn't."
He turns his hand up so that he's now holding mine. Tears fall from my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Daddy. I didn't mean for this to happen." My voice cracks, and all the uncertainty, all the anxiety of the day break through.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes."
"Can you explain why you broke up in the first place?"
"I was afraid." I wipe at my eyes. "I thought when he went to school he'd forget all about me."
"So it's not because he didn't treat you well or because he gave you an ultimatum?"
"No." I fight to stay in control of my emotions. "He'd never do that. Brayden did everything he could to try and get me back. But then . . . Dad, we weren't being impulsive or irresponsible. The condom broke."
My fathe
r closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. I can only guess that he's trying to keep his composure. This is the most difficult conversation we've ever had.
"I've heard a lot from Brayden about what he wants, but you haven't said much about what it is that you want."
My arms cross over my belly and cover it protectively. What do I want? I can't believe I'm about to say it. "I want to keep my baby. That's what I always wanted. I was just afraid. I knew he was mad at me, and I don't want to raise a baby alone."
"You'll never be alone. We're your family, and we'll always be here for you. That's how families survive; they lean on each other. They help each other."
"I was so afraid you'd hate me if you found out."
"Oh, baby," my father pulls me in his arms and kisses the top of my head while holding me close. "Sweetheart, I can never hate you. I love you. You're my baby girl. No matter what happens or how old you get, you'll always be my baby girl."
Deep heavy sobs escape me. My body jerks and lurches as my father holds me close. "It's okay, Mackenzie, just let it all out."
I'm not sure if I'm crying because I'm giving up my childhood, or out of relief, but I let myself feel the burdensome grief inside before struggling to speak.
"I let you and Mom down."
"No baby. We let you down. We weren't here for you, you should have known it was okay to come to us instead of suffering all by yourself."
I sniffle, coming back to my senses. "I haven't exactly been, 'all by myself.' Jessica has been amazing."
I hear the angry growl roll around in his throat. "Jessica," he says her name dismissively. "She should've come to us."
I figure this is the best time to bring this up as well. My heart beat is already pounding in my ears, from fear and anxiety. "How can she? You blame her for everything."
"That's because she deserves it. Look at what she did . . ."
"Dad, you blamed her for me being pregnant, and I can promise you, she wasn't part of it, in any way. This is on me. And Brayden. No one else."
Regret Me Not Page 14
