by K. L. Jessop
Being this close to someone after sex is a new form of intimacy I’ve never encountered before. It’s unfamiliar, but I’ve never felt more comfortable.
“So, I take it that with you being the new girl every man is talking about, you’ll be sticking around a bit now?”
“The other girls in that club are just as good a dancer as I am, Lucas. It’s only because I’m new that’s got everyone talking. Tomorrow I’ll be yesterday’s chip paper.”
“Well, you’ll still have me as your number one fan. But you never answered my question. Are you sticking around?”
Guilt twists my stomach when Charlie floods my mind. In the time I’ve spent with Lucas, he’s not been in my thoughts like he would normally be. Does that make me a bad mother? Because I’ve thought of something else? Lucy’s words from many conversations previous replay back. She’s often said I need time for myself. People with a previous addiction need to learn the importance of a healthy mind, rebuilding our lives doesn’t mean we have to focus on one thing to make that happen. But even though I know she’s right, it still doesn’t stop this ache of regret I feel right now.
“Tori?” I’m brought out of my thoughts as his knuckles brush over my cheek. “Where did you go just then?” Ocean eyes hold mine. I have to focus on my son and make sure he is my main priority. However, something tells me Lucas is going to make it impossible for me.
So I make it clear.
“I have a son.” I never talk about Charlie or my past to anyone outside of CS, and even though Lucas makes me feel as though I can tell him the world, I’m still careful with what I say. “Charlie is my baby boy and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We moved here for a better life—a fresh start—just like yourself. He has settled well here and loves it. I couldn’t take him away now even if I wanted to.” I hold my breath, waiting for the announcement that I have to leave because I have misled him and not told him that I am a mother, but all I get is a soft smile and an indication in his eyes that he understands.
“That’s why you would run from me? Because of your son?”
I could tell him my main reason for running was because he sent a supernatural charge through me every time we touched, but there’s no point in that now because I’m laid here next to him naked. “Yes. My son comes before anything, Lucas. His sitter leaves at six in the morning and my duties will turn from lap dancer back to Mummy. I like to be there when he wakes. He needs to know that I will always be there and that there’s no need to be scared.”
“Is there a reason he should be?”
There are plenty.
“I just can’t have him scared. No child should grow up feeling afraid.”
He holds my gaze, studying me for a moment as though he’s reading the parts of me I’m yet to share. But then I see that darkness in his eyes like I have before, and I know his mind has taken him somewhere else.
“Should I go?” I whisper.
I’m pushed onto my back, caged in by his solid arms. A wicked grin spreads across his face. “I find you quite fascinating. And sweet baby Jesus, I love the fact I’ve just fucked a lap dancer and a yummy mummy at the same time.”
I roll my eyes playfully. “Does your brain think of anything conventional or is it purely just sex-based?”
“Well, people have said that my brain is often in my dick, so no.”
I giggle, tracing my finger around his pierced nipple. “At least you’re honest.”
“I’m always honest. And my brain has just informed me that my next fuck will be any minute now.”
“Oh really?” I probe, already feeling the thickness of his erection against my lower stomach. “Is she good?” I joke.
“She’s fucking great.” He kisses my lips and whispers. “It’s still dark out. Can you stay a little longer?”
I dust my fingers across his chest, I should go, but I don’t want too. “I can stay.”
“Good, because I want to violate this body of yours until sunrise.”
His erection teases my entrance, causing me to arch into him with a little moan. He traces a path of wet kisses over my breasts but stops suddenly. Lifting his head, his expression changes as if he’s just realised something and my chest tightens.
“What?”
“You said you had five tattoos. I’ve spotted the one on your arm, which makes four. Where’s the fifth?”
Smiling, I shift onto my stomach, moving my hair aside. The hitched breath that comes from him indicates his approval of the full-length dream catcher tattoo on my back.
“My dick has just told me that this tattoo is my new favourite and I need to look at it while I fuck you because it’s too good to hide.”
“You have a very informative dick.” My chuckle is stolen when he pushes deep inside me, and I can’t contain the new wave of butterflies that’s just taken flight. Closing my eyes, I let the giddiness of him take over.
This is dangerous. This is wrong.
Every thrust, every word he whispers to me and every fingerprint that’s left on my skin has me falling into a world of intemperance. Lucas has become my new favourite, and it’s something that I should have worked harder to prevent.
Because once the craving takes you under, it’s hard to come back up.
Chapter Thirteen
Lucas.
“Why do you have a smug-ass grin on your face this early in the morning?” my sister asks, coming across the gardens of Rock Waves diner with Andrew to greet myself, Jack, and Felicity for breakfast. The morning sun is warm, and the tide is out increasing the golden sand by meters.
“Well good morning to you too,” I reply.
“He got laid,” Jack shouts with a mouth full of pancakes as he heads back inside to help Fliss with more coffees.
“Moved on from the mysterious woman Megan told me about already?” Andrew asks as he and Megan sit opposite.
Tori is mysterious alright, along with mesmerising, intense, mind-blowingly hot and has so many layers she’s like an undiscovered book that’s been lost in the dark and I’m wanting to dust it off and read every page.
“She is the mysterious girl,” I correct, pushing their breakfast of pancakes, chocolate spread and a mixture of fresh fruit that I ordered across the table as they sit themselves down. I love times like this, getting together and hanging out with those important to me. Being away for so long and experiencing what I have makes me appreciate my family more. In LA, it was just me, my gun and a handful of contacts that hardly even knew my name. It was rare to get an intimate conversation with someone that wanted to know you on a personal level more than just your reasons for carrying a weapon and disliking individuals. Back home, no matter when or where, I love the quality time with those who care.
I was still waking with a smile on my face at the thought that someone else other than myself had occupied my bed. Only that was the other morning. Too much time has passed and I need to see her again. Although a part of me was a little disappointed that she left, I get it now. She’s a mother with responsibilities. I could see how devoted she is to her son when she was talking about him and I knew that that was her only reason for leaving, the note on my pillow confirming it.
A sunrise I’ll never forget. Thank you. x.
My Grandpa always said that you can go years playing the field but eventually there’s that one hit that’s more powerful than the other and it’s enough to knock you off kilter. Maybe this was that time? Maybe there was a reason for never bringing home a girl before because with Tori it’s like she’s been waiting for me to find her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, she has consumed me so hard that I don’t know what way is up and what’s down. I just know I need more. I need more of her. My beautiful little raven bird.
“I can't stop thinking about her,” I admit to Megan and Andrew, catching myself a little off-guard with the announcement.
“After one fuck?” Andrew asks, suspending his fork in the air.
No, after hours of the best sex any man coul
d wish for.
But it was more than that. It wasn’t just the sex with her, it was the conversations we shared in between. It had felt so good just to lay with someone and talk about the simplest of things and never once was I asked a question about my past that had me squirming to get away. “After one incredible night with several orgasms,” I correct Andrew. “I took her back to my place and well, it’s like she’s placed me under her spell and I don’t know what the fuck is happening.” I’m not ready to tell them she’s a dancer from Scarlett’s. I know what kind of stigma women can get from working in those places and Tori is nothing like the reputation they create; I don’t think she’ll ever let herself be.
“Wow,” he chuckles. “Must be some spell she’s got you like this. Do we expect a wedding at the end of the year too?”
“Don't be a prick,” I shoot back. “I’m struggling to get my head around it all. She’s nothing like I’ve ever encountered, and the thought of seeing her again has my heart racing like a fucking bitch.”
“Well, whoever she is, she must be pretty special to tame your arse so quickly,” Andrew replies.
I notice that Megan hasn’t touched her breakfast or said a word since she sat down, which is unusual given the fact she’s Spring Rose’s human version of Gossip magazine and constantly want’s all the deeds on people’s relationships. Her eyes are locked on me, wild and concerning.
“Megan, you’re unusually quiet. Everything all right?”
She leans forward, curiosity in her eye. “Are you dying? Do I need to call Mum and Dad or something?”
Both Andrew’s and my laughter erupts across the table. She’s clearly still trying to get her head around the conversation.
“No, I am not dying and no you definitely don’t need to call anyone.”
“But you took a lady home. When do we meet her?”
“Jesus, Megan. Hang on, she’s only been on the scene five minutes.”
“And she’s got you twirling around like a ballerina already. She’s clearly made an impression.”
“Which, like I said, I’m still trying to get my head around so I’m hardly going to introduce her to you bunch of crazies after one night.”
Even though I’ve known her longer.
I sink the butter knife into the small tub of chocolate spread that’s been provided with breakfast and spread it over my toast before taking a manly bite.
“This little obsession over one woman is not you, Lucas.”
“Babe, give him some credit. He’s finally learning to act like a grown-up.”
“Andrew, it was one night, it’s hardly a lifetime of solid commitment and family planning,” I add.
Megan laughs. “And keeping your dick wet with the same woman longer than an hour is the closest thing to family planning you’ve ever got.” She takes a small bite of her pancake, raising her voice slightly to continue. “I think I preferred it when I was convinced your behaviour was because of an STD.”
The people at the next table stop eating and look our way with eyes of horror. I nod an apology and scowl at my sister, pointing a finger at her for a telling off while Andrew just snickers like an arsehole.
“It’s about fucking time you sorted your filter out. One of these days it will get you into trouble, if not arrested.”
“I won’t be in trouble for long. My lack of filter will soon charm my way out of a jail sentence.”
“She’s not wrong,” Andrew says, pulling her in and kissing her on the head. “Plus, she has me to bail her out.”
“Aww, thank you, baby.”
“Aww, thank you, baby,” I mock.
“Shut up, Lucas.” Since being with Andrew, she’s changed into a young woman that I’m so proud to call my sister even more so than before. To this day, it still crushes me to learn that she once used sex to paste over the cracks in her heart that longed to be loved—a trait that I have similarities with—and it broke my heart even more—not long after I’d moved to the bay—the night she turned up at my door with tears in her eyes because the man she wanted and loved so deeply was battling demons he couldn’t see a way of beating. Watching the two of them together, it’s comforting to know that even with demons, people can still find happiness and make things work, and a part of me wonders—yet is also scared shitless of the fact—if there’s a possibility that one day I will have that. And right now, the one person I can see myself in the future with is Tori. Only deep down, I’m not so sure she’s willing to open her heart and share it with another.
One Republic blasts through my headphones, sweat runs down my temples with the heat and the dampness of my grey t-shirt is evidence that I’ve given myself a tough workout. I gave myself a powerful round of swimming lengths of the pool at home before heading out to run the rugged cliff tops of the coastline, a workout I always put my body through after another intense therapy session. It’s a way of finding myself again, after two hours of unpleasant conversation and flashbacks. I like to escape with exercise and the environment that helps me relax.
The sun is out, the sea is looking spectacular and it feels like it’s going to be a beautiful day. I head down the track that leads from Preston pier and head towards Briston Bay, spotting Marbles Cove in the distance. It’s no lie when Marcus says that it’s his beach because it is. He owns it, plain and simple, along with the cruiser boat that’s often docked there. Taking a gulp of water from my bottle, I look ahead, scanning the ground for any potholes when the news headline cuts in through the earpiece that has me halting my tracks.
Police in Los Angeles are investigating a murder after a teenager was shot dead in the early hours of yesterday morning at…
I grip my chest and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to control my breathing that’s suddenly escalated as pain rips me like a hot spoke. It shouldn’t affect me this strongly, shit like that happens all the time, but it’s that one word that causes the ache: teenager. And it’s that one girl that’s forever giving me the nightmares: Selena.
I lean over, placing my hands on my knees as I try and shake her limp body from my mind. I can’t take much more of this. These sudden attacks need to stop. Sometimes I can go days without one; other days, the slightest trigger has me buckled over and fighting to breathe. I’m meant to be a man for Christ’s sake. Falling on to my back at the cliff edge, I look up at the cloudless sky, remove my headphones and listen to the roar of the waves. I should have been there. I should have stopped them from hurting her—should have protected her like I promised, but I couldn’t, I didn’t.
That sassy little girl had so much life and spirit and I fucking failed her.
Taking my phone out of my zipped pocket I scroll the contacts until I get to the one person I need to hear.
“Hey.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“I was just about to ring you. Have you spoken to her, too?”
I’m instantly confused by Megan’s words and by the sound of it, she’s a little angry.
“What? Who?”
“Mum. She just rang me and said she was going to ring you. I completely went off on her. The fucking cheek of him. Have you spoken to her?”
It’s not often I hear from my parents during the week. With Mum working as a makeup consultant in London and regularly flying out to Barcelona where the main company is based and leaving Dad at home to work in the manufacturing toy company, they are often busy.
“No, I’ve not spoken to her.”
There’s a short beat of silence. “Then why do you sound like you’ve just lost a battle? Is everything alright? Did your girl dump you?” She makes a joke, but it doesn’t hide the concern in her voice or the guilt that’s laying heavy on my chest.
“Do you ever regret anything Megan? Ever wish your life had gone a different course to the one it has?”
“Why so serious on this summer’s day?”
My only reply is an exhale, and by the silence at the end of the line, I know she knows that this call is not a conversation for jokes. We mess abo
ut, yes, but the times when things get tough are the times when we are there for each other through life and death. “There was a time when I wondered what road I was on because no matter what I did, I always felt lost, so I self-helped with partying and tequila shots to help block it out. Now, looking back, I know that I was never on the wrong road because if I was I wouldn’t have Andrew. So, I don’t regret a thing. But where is this coming from, Lucas, because this morning you were on a major high and now you sound like shit? Should I be worried because I may not have said anything, but I know you haven’t been yourself for a while now and I can’t help but wonder what the real reason is for you moving back.”
I’m clearly more transparent than I thought, and I know I won’t be able to keep my secret for much longer. But I can’t tell her, not right now. Not today. I clear my throat trying to shift the discomfort from my voice. “No, you shouldn’t be worried. Ignore me. I was just having a moment of self-doubt. I’ve clearly over exercised today.”
“Or it could be that you’ve had too much sex with the same woman. It does shit to you,” she laughs, and I smile before her tone becomes serious again. “But I know you are lying and I’m here when you’re ready.” Even though she’s trying to dive into my past, I’m glad I rang her, the ache is now absent in my chest and my breathing back to normal. Thinking back, I remember what she said when she picked up.
“So, what’s this about you going off on Mum? Is she trying to give makeup advice again?”
“Ah, fuck me. Are you sitting down? Because shit is about to get real.”
“Hit me with it.”
“Uncle Richard is returning from Spain and, by all accounts, wants to set up in Spring Rose again.”
I bolt upright, tension in my chest once again only this time for a completely different reason. Just the mention of his name has my blood bubbling.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?”
