Fallen Rebel

by C. G. Blaine

  His head jerks toward me. “You what?”

  “Don’t worry,” I shout back. “The idea of eternity with me sent her running.”

  “Shit.” He goes quiet for a minute before he says, “So, what are you going to do now?”

  I look over at him and shrug. Then I take the step forward I’ve been wanting to. I close my eyes and fall. Nothing but the wind howling, ripping at my clothes until just before I hit the ground and I drop. My feet land in Ros’s kitchen, the others already there. Bottle of whiskey open.

  A hand slaps on my back as I nurse my tumbler. Rosdan sits back down next to me at the table. The pity in his eyes matches what I’m getting from Chaz across from me. The only one not looking at me like I might burst into hysterics is Samy, leaning against the counter.

  My swan dive only afforded Rosdan a minimal head start. All he managed to tell them was that Hannah left. The three of them have been feeding me drinks for the past hour, no one saying a word. But given the way Chaz fidgets, he’s about two seconds away from—

  “You plan on telling us what happened this millennium or…”

  Right on time.

  “Jesus, Chaz.” Rosdan kicks him under the table.

  “What? If we wait for him to open up, we’ll be here at least that long. I’m trying to save us some time.”

  “There’s nothing to tell,” I say, slumping back in my chair. “Classic angel falls for mortal girl, and she freaks when he decides to become human to be with her.”

  With me voted Least Likely to Walk Away from Immortality, the admission shocks the room into silence. I look up at Samy, his eyes an odd storm—disappointment for not telling him about planning to give up the light maybe.

  I don’t talk about my feelings and shit, but since they’re already staring at me like I sprouted a second set of wings, why the hell not? “The fucked up part is, I never considered she wouldn’t want me to be human and experience all that life shit with her. I thought once she found out I could, she’d annoy me over it until it happened, but she acted like being mortal would be the worst thing I could do.” I finish my drink and reach for the bottle. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told her becoming human was an option until after everything calmed down.”

  “Shit, Cass,” Chaz says. “Hannah’s known about the mortal escape clause for a while now.”

  I stop mid-pour, my gaze lifting to him. “What?”

  He winces and leans back in his chair like he wants to get away from me. “I might have mentioned something over a frozen burrito on her birthday. But to be fair, it wasn’t in the list of banned topics you gave me when you asked me to Nephilim-sit.”

  Rosdan slides the bottle from my still-suspended hand and sets it between us. “Cass, maybe you should—”

  “What did you say?” I ask, my voice calm despite the rage building beneath the surface.

  Chaz’s head droops, avoiding eye contact. “I’m sorry. I never thought it would—”

  “What the fuck did you say?” I growl across the table.

  I knew something was wrong. She went from zero to piss off way too fast, and whatever he’d planted in that thick skull of hers is the reason.

  He lifts his head, the guilt seeping out of his pores. “That becoming human for her would be the biggest mistake you’d ever make.”

  The chair crashes back as I dive at him. I knock over the bottle, the table, fucking everything to get to him. With our powers, we’re an equal match. Without, too, but I have fucking rage on my side. Each punch only fuels me and my desire to destroy his pretty face. Rosdan tries to pull me off Chaz as I beat the shit out of him. It does little to slow me down, so Samy steps in. He hooks Chaz’s arm, hauling him off the ground.

  “Tamiel,” he shouts, placing himself between us, “enough!”

  He barks the command, and like a good little soldier, I obey. I shove Rosdan away and drop back to my apartment. I’m only there a few seconds when someone pounds on the door.

  “Let me in, man,” Rosdan says from the hall. “You don’t want to be alone right now.”

  “The fuck I don’t.” But I go to the kitchen and pull a crystal from the blocker bag anyway.

  I pass by him on my way to the couch, full whiskey bottle in hand. With the light burning off the alcohol, it takes a distillery to hit numb, and that’s what I’m aiming for.

  He glances around at the post-Hannah destruction. “You’re just all about redecorating places lately.”

  “If I can’t fix what he destroyed, I’ll scour the Abyss for the Dimming Blade and end him.”

  Ignoring the idle death threat, Rosdan makes himself comfortable on the other end of the couch, legs crossed and sipping from the glass he brought with him. “‘The most devastating thing that could ever happen to one of us is to live and die as a human.’” He pauses for effect or some shit and then says, “Those are your words, Cass. You’ve been saying it since we were cast out of Heaven.”

  I wipe a hand over my face and sit forward, resting my forearms on my thighs.

  “I was wrong,” I tell him, the heaviness inside all mine. “It’s immeasurably more shattering to love and lose one.”

  It’s just breathing.

  I’ve done it every second of my life. In, out, repeat until you die. But for the past four days, it’s been anything but simple. Each inhale needs to be measured with the exhale even. Otherwise, it will all come crashing in, and he’ll feel it. He’ll feel me and know the truth.

  When I decided this was the only way to keep Cass from giving up being an angel for me, I thought the hardest part would be lying to him—making him believe any part of me doubts I will belong to him forever. Turns out, words are easy. It’s living with how much mine hurt him that threatens to destroy me.

  After an hour of Terra begging me to go to a movie, Jesse scoops her off the couch. He gives me a wink as he carries her out, and I mouth, Thank you.

  She’s been extra attentive since I showed up a crying mess on the doorstep. I told her Cass and I broke up because I couldn’t see it going anywhere. Considering I sobbed my way through the bullshit explanation, it would shock me if she bought it.

  As soon as the door latches, the house falls quiet. Too quiet.

  With nothing to distract me, I go upstairs to what would be my room if I unpacked. Right now, it’s a guest room with Jesse’s weight-lifting shit in one corner and my boxes in another. And that probably won’t change tonight.

  When I turn on the light, I flinch and grab my chest. “Jesus, Cass.”

  He lifts his head from where he’s sitting on my bed, arms braced on his thighs. My heart thrums in my chest but not from the scare. It’s from seeing him—what I’ve been dying for and avoiding all week. For someone who only needs a few hours of sleep a night, he looks exhausted. Knowing I’m the reason twists at my insides. I have to fight the urge to run to him.

  “What are you doing in here?” I ask, shutting the door.

  He stares at me for a few seconds. Then he’s up, his long strides closing the distance between us fast. He doesn’t stop until my back’s against the door and my chest is against his. “You lied.”

  I swallow, once again focused on breathing evenly. “No, I—”

  “Breakfast burrito,” he says. His hand sweeps over my fingers, and he traces the band of the ring he put there. “You. Chaz. A conversation about my mortality. Ring any bells, Hannah?”

  All the bells.

  But I shrug, trying to play it off. “So I knew you could ask to be human. It doesn’t mean I want to be with you.”

  He studies me, my face and then my lips. “Your mouth keeps saying that, but the rest of you…” His hand slides to the hollow of my neck. My pulse throbs beneath his fingertips, betraying me and giving him exactly what he wants.

  “This always tells me the truth. And it says your mouth is a fucking liar.”

  I slap his hand away, but he’s unfazed and brings the other to my cheek.

/>   “Chaz is a tool. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I love you, and the mistake would be letting you do something stupid like throw all this away over some savior complex.”

  “That’s not what this is.”

  “Are you sure about that?” he asks, leaning in.

  The scent of him fills the air between us, smoke and leather and something distinctly Cass. I’ve missed it, and I need distance or else I won’t stand a chance. I start to sidestep, but he puts his arm up, blocking me. I’m boxed in. The door, my dresser, his hard body inching closer. It’s the moment I’ve been dreading over the past few days. Face-to-face with him and nowhere to go.

  “Cass…”

  He looks up at his name, but his gaze goes straight back to my lips as he licks his. “What do you want, Hannah?”

  It’s the question he always asks, and I’ve practiced what to say a thousand times, so my voice won’t tremble and give me away, but when I open my mouth, he moves his finger to my lips and shakes his head.

  “Not with this. I need an answer from something I trust.” He lowers his feverish palm and presses it flat to my chest. “Tell me what you really want.”

  More than ever, I regulate my response to him—air in, air out. But then he releases a small charge over my skin that radiates through me. It breaks the carefully calculated rhythm of my breathing, and the rest dominoes. My heartbeat speeding, my breaths shallow. As soon as my control slips, his eyes dart back up. He can feel how much I want him. How much I’ve always wanted him.

  In the next second, his lips are on mine. He presses me into the door and slides his hands up to my face. I thought breathing was difficult without him here, but it’s damn near torturous with him invading all my senses. I should stop him, but I can’t. I’ve longed for this. Dreamed of it. Feared it. I close my eyes, feeling the warmth of his lips brushing over mine and fighting the desire to respond.

  “Kiss me,” he pleads against my mouth. “I know what you’re doing, and you don’t need to. Please, baby.”

  Weakness is foreign to Cass, but right now, he sounds broken, and it kills me to be what’s hurting him. I don’t know how I’ll survive doing it the rest of my life. As the agony in his voice cuts through me, he growls, low and deep, enduring my pain as much as his own.

  “Fucking. Kiss. Me.” He reissues the command with his lips, kissing me harder.

  It takes every ounce of willpower I possess not to submit to them. To not be selfish and let him sacrifice everything, so I can keep him forever. But I love him too much. I can’t stand the thought of him suffering all of eternity without his light because of me. Tears spill down my cheeks until they pool against his hands.

  I shake my head as much as I can against his hold. “Stop!”

  His mouth instantly leaves mine. The torn expression I haven’t seen since before we went to Florida returns to his face, and then he dips his head and locks me in his gaze.

  “I could make you forget,” he whispers. The heat from his hands creeps into my cheeks, his voice turning velvety and enveloping me in calm. “Tell you that you’re as desperate for me to be mortal as I am to live a human life with you.”

  His touch soothes me from the inside out, like my mind’s sinking into a hot bath. I can’t remember why I was crying anymore. Why I would ever need to cry again. I relax against his chest, lost in his eyes, never wanting him to let me go.

  “I could erase your doubt about how perfect that life sounds to me because I promise you, nothing in existence feels as right as being with you.” He takes a deep breath. “But I won’t. No matter how much it destroys me or how miserable you make me, I won’t take this away from you.” He pushes his forehead against mine, my face still secured by his now-glowing hands. “I’ve never needed anything as much as I do you, Hannah,” he says, the light humming, “but it has to be all of you. Every fucking stubborn piece—”

  It’s like someone hit the off button, sound and video gone. I blink my eyes open and jerk upright in my bed. I frantically look around. The room’s dark, no sign of Cass.

  It was just another dream. I’ve had them every night I’ve spent away from him. Instead of shadows attacking me, they’re of being with him, and rather than feeling relief when I wake up, I wish I had stayed a little longer. This one felt different though. More heartbreaking.

  As my head struggles to regain a foothold in reality, I check the clock to see how long I slept. Except I only came upstairs a few minutes ago. Confused, I try to remember what happened after I walked in, but all I have is the dream.

  I throw off the blanket and rush across the room to the window I’ve stayed away from until now. It overlooks the front of the house. Down onto the street. Onto him.

  When I see Cass next to his bike, I freeze. He’s staring at the window like he’s been waiting for me. I feel my cheeks with the back of my hand, and the same tormented look from my dream darkens his face. Only I’m not so sure it wasn’t real anymore, not with my skin still hot where he was touching me.

  “He’s still out there?” Terra peeks out my bedroom window.

  I rip the curtain back, exposing both of us. She ducks like Cass hasn’t caught her spying on him half a dozen other times this past week. Ever since my dream or not-dream or whatever it was, I’ve focused on returning to life before Cass. Or life before I knew about him. But the more I pretend he doesn’t exist, the less discreet he becomes with his Watcher duties.

  “At what point does it become weird?” she asks, crouched beside me.

  “I’ll go talk to him.”

  She tugs at my hand to keep me from walking away. “Take Jesse in case he tries something. He’ll go all hulked-out football player and scare him off.”

  “It’s Cass, Terra. He’d never hurt me.”

  “Han, the guy’s practically stalking you. Everywhere we go, I see him hovering around. It’s only a matter of time before it escalates into a serious problem.”

  Her concern is genuine, even if misplaced. To her—and everyone else in my life who’s met him—Cass is behaving like a possessive and controlling ex. His following me will send up red flags until it either stops or she doesn’t remember him. And only one of those can happen.

  “Don’t worry,” I tell her, knowing what I need to do. “I’ll be fine.”

  But I’m far from it once I step outside. Like any other time I see him in front of me, I want to run to him. Jump into his arms. Tell him I’m sorry and I need him and I’ll never spend another second without him. Then I remember it’s his eternity at stake and coolly walk down the sidewalk.

  “You ready to act like I exist?” he asks, flicking his cigarette into the street.

  He pushes off his bike, and I stop five feet in front of him, not trusting either of us enough to go closer.

  “If you insist on being out in the open, we’re going to—”

  “We?” His voice is harsh, the irritation loud and clear. “According to you, there isn’t a we anymore. There’s you and your life. Then there’s me and my job.”

  As his glare settles on me, I try to remember how I used to deal with all this. When we went around and around on the merry-go-round without any reprieve. Only it feels so far away and distant that I can’t.

  I cross my arms and try again. “Terra and Jesse think you’re stalking me because we broke up. You need to make them forget you.”

  “You want me to erase myself from their memories?”

  “Yes.”

  He rubs a hand through the back of his hair, jaw clenching. “Is that what you really want?”

  I nod and turn for the house, hoping to get inside without any part of me going rogue. If my dream wasn’t a dream, then I already know how that would play out.

  “No,” he says, his gruff voice stopping me on the step.

  I spin around. “What?”

  “No,” he repeats. “I won’t do it.”

  Muscle memory must kick in because I storm toward him, a
surge of annoyance steeling me for battle. “Are you joking? You can’t keep popping up all over the place and expect them not to think something’s wrong. They’ll never understand why my ex refuses to accept that we’re over.”

  He relaxes back on the seat, clearly pleased with my reaction. “That’s the thing though. We’re not over, Hannah. You can pretend all you want, but we both know how this ends. You and me. Together.”

  “You don’t get to decide how I live my life, Cass.”

  “And what about how I spend my eternity? The forever I want with you? You have no problem making that choice for me.”

  As I bite back a groan, a smug smile tugs at his lips, and I realize he’s trying to bait me. Heated fights always lead to the same place with us.

  I close my eyes long enough to regain my center. “I’m not doing this with you anymore. I’m sorry that I hurt you. And I’m sorry we have to go through this instead of having a clean break like other people, but our connection doesn’t change anything. It’s over.”

  “Look me in the eye and say it then.” He straightens and marches toward me.

  At first, I step back but then decide to stand my ground. Cass walks straight into me, his arm behind me by the time I change my mind and try to move away. He holds me there with his breath on my face.

  “You don’t love me. You’re happier without me. You’ve moved on. Make me believe even one of those things,” he says, “and I’ll fade into the background like I never existed.”

  I open my mouth but can’t force the lies out. Even if I could, it wouldn’t matter since as soon as he mentioned never seeing him again, my chest tightened, the thought smothering me.

  The look in his dark eyes that cuts through me loses intensity, the gentle one he only gives me emerging from the storm.

  “That’s what I thought.” He releases me and backs to his bike. “I’ll hang back more. Not let them see me. But I’m not taking away their memories of us.”

  The engine snarls as he speeds away. I stay there until long after he’s out of sight. As hard as it’s been to not be with him, I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse.