I unload on her in one breath…
“Ah! can you believe that buffoon?… Ah! The no-good snake!”
Right before my eyes I see her face get this mean look…
“Just wait and see! Ah! Take that message back with you! Ah! You’re a fine one! You too!… You dirty little bastard!… You’ve got a lot to be proud of… You show up to clean out a woman who’s got no one in the world!… That’s your game!… Just as lowdown as that rat of yours!… And to think you’re helping him, you rascal you! Ah! Go right ahead and team up!… The pair of you against a poor weak woman!… Ah! He’s deserting me, the thief… Thief! Thief! You just wait! Robber! You heard me! You heard me! Thief! Crook! Pervert! Dirty old man! Thug! He’s made off with everything! The big phoney!… My youth!… My life!…”
Her hair hurricaning over her face. She’s spluttering over me just like her old man. The pair really heated up once they started sounding off… Plus with that accent of hers, that rolling Mediterranean sing-song.
“But it’s not overrr!… Skirrrt-chaser!… He wants to make me die dirrrty poorrr like a rat!… Dirt poor in this filthy rat trap! He wants to see me at death’s door! Ah! The clod, the kook!… But he can just forget about strangling me!… You’re hearing it right from these lips, didn’t know did you, he’s been trying to strangle me for the past twenty-five years!… The dumb dope finally reaches the point where she won’t take no more! You hear me, the dope don’t take no more! Enough! Enough!… I’m free!…”
She’s cracking up something awful!… I’m here at just the right moment… She’s writhing around, twisting her arms back… yakking my ear off… trying to get me on her side… shaking her jungle mane!… I try to bring her back to the subject… I want to get out of here.
“It’s for the Vega in Verse…” I venture…
“Vega!… Vega! Fuck the Vega!…”
That was her answer… She’d gone totally berserk… boiling… she won’t let me leave!
“Ah! So he thinks I’m finished, the old cuckold!… Goose! Old goat! You tell him that his Pépé… his Pépé’s starting a new life! And as for his old tricks! Out the window, buster! A new life! Over from scratch! Yes! She’s starting over!… And with no dead bodies! Not his! Not Achille’s! Right! You get me?”
He can just take his Achille out of here! She heaves an enormous sigh, arms up in the air! And she starts laughing! Hooting like crazy! Ah! He’s out of her life! This is a grand occasion! She’s so glad! Such joy! What happiness!… A new life! OK! I’m happy for her… “Ha! Ha! Ha!” I’m having a laugh too… she’s not so nasty after all… I join in with her mood… shout “Yeah! Yeah!…” That tickles her… she lets me step into her shambles… Ah! I’m going to hunt up my book, quick! Quick! And then I’m out of here!
“The book! The book! Ah, you little tough guy, that’s bugging you again! Listen to me first! Listen up! That man’s a bully, get me? A tyrant! You spread the word around!”
She’s off again about Sosthène!
Ah! But it’s over, over and done with! Whew! Whew! And another whew! She snorts like a seal, another conniption fit, she’s ripping away the bonds she abhors!… Acting the whole ordeal out for me, really gives me quite a show… I keep my comments to myself, mum’s the word… My silence drives her up the wall.
Ah! She’s going to dig up that book of mine since I’m so keen on it! After that, we’ll be able to chat!… She calls out the kid from in back… who sort of lends her a hand… here he comes… it’s the dairy punk… the delivery guy from last time… he’s returned… Pépé’s a man-eater!… Her sweetheart’s kind of embarrassed… he was back in the kitchen… she hitches up her nightgown pretty high, doesn’t want to get it dirty… we’ve got to turn this pigsty upside down!… The Vega, the magic book, was buried, so she says, under the hugest trunks… we barely touch a finger to the heap, give a little shake, and we trigger a hurricane of crap… lose sight of each other groping around blindly… Here comes a chest crashing down, wicker baskets in its wake… we’ve got to open the skylight… everything’s tumbling scattering, cheap junk, props all over the place, grass skirts, Chinese dressing gowns like the old geezer’s, splendid specimens, stoles… of every shape, size and colour… must be worth a bundle… the kid’s hacking, spitting, giggling… Now it turns into fun and games… he deserves some big fat smooches… Spirits are running high again… Ah! All together now! Heave-ho!… Goose egg!… Isn’t that the one? That packet there with the string, does she see it?… Nope, another dud! The hell with this, she’s selling off everything! “Name your price! Take your pick, it’s auction time! It’ll cost you nothing! A whole life up for grabs! Sweetie, go open the window!” Pépé’s offering the whole lot! She hollers out her pitch… laughing hysterically… everything must go, gentlemen, we’re moving!… There’s one more chest to turn over… Whomp! It damn near crushes our legs! I’m wondering whether she’s playing us all for jerks.
“Madame,” I venture, “Madame, now you’re sure it’s in that corner?”
“Ah! Corner! Corner! That corner! How am I’m supposed to know? Is Monsieur in a hurry or something?”
“It’s not me who’s in any hurry, it’s Sosthène!”
“Ah! The mangy coyote’s in a hurry, is he? Ah! You can all fuck off! In a hurry! In a hurry! And so what about me, huh? Thirty years I’ve been waiting around for him! He’ll wait his turn, that fathead of yours! You just wait and see! In a hurry!”
I fired her back up… she’s bitching and hissing down in her trunks… fed up with scrounging around… she sits up on her knees, in a better position to spout off about Sosthène right to my face…
“You hear: a bloodsucker! That’s what your dumb friend is!”
So ticked off she chokes on her words again… then she nabs the kid as he’s passing, and myum! Myum! Myum! Plasters his cute puss… the lady’s always red-hot and ready… Now they’re really going at it…
I look around, inspect the digs… the junk heap was bigger the other day… I can see some stuff has already disappeared…
“So you’re moving, Madame?”
Is that any of my business?
Her quick comeback.
“And what about you, my fine little birdie! Why don’t you tell me your story? You want to know everything! Where do you call home, huh? Where’s your little nest?”
I couldn’t come up with an answer.
“Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!…”
She’s driving me crazy.
“Ah! Madame! Please now! Slip me the book and I’ll beat it! I’ll be taking it off your hands!”
“So that voracious beast of yours is waiting for you, right? Worrying himself sick? Eating his heart out? The cannibal…” She hoots with laughter… “Ah! The dirty pig! Aren’t you ashamed?… Feeding me a line like that?… Come on now, it just can’t be! You’re not that stupid, my little man! Thick as a brick, are you? Thick as a brick?… Just mosey on over here and let me take a little look at you!”
But she winds up walking over to me… rubbing up against me, fondling…
“Come join us!…” she invites me, with a lewd wink and a flick of her tit… she shows me her big black nipples… on purpose…
“Ah! The pipes! Madame!” I shout! Fact is, it comes back to me in a flash…
“Jackass!” she snaps back violently.
I made her sore… turned her off because I’m so slow to catch on… She just keeps nodding…
“Don’t you know he’s going to put a hex on you, you runt! So you came back from the war, big deal! You’re still one dumb son of a bitch! You still don’t know him!… He’ll make you lose everything, understand?… Your years… your life!… He’ll screw you! He’ll drain you dry!… That’s what your professor’s all about! Ah! Go ahead and stick by him if you want!”
In a word, she was jealous.
“Ah! I’m through with him! Through, got it? Ah! Life, my darlings! Life!…”
With that she grabs me again, then the other
guy, the kid! Smooching, fussing over the pair of us… she wants to cuddle us both at once… and then she’s back whining…
“A slave! You hear me! A slave!… His plaything! He hit me, he beat me black and blue!”
She can’t get over it, she rubs her eyes, bewildered she’s still here!… After such ghoulish tortures! Like some refugee from another world!… She’s awakening from some nightmare!… A Sosthène-mare! Ah! The thought of it all, too much for the gal… all the crap she had to put up with!… Here we go, another flood of tears drenching her face… her mascara running plus her lipstick… what a pitiful, God-awful face… I was about to leave, I’d had it… she grabs me, plasters me with smooches, the kid too…
“Come on, since you’re so keen on it!”
She’s going to pick up the hunt again… Heave-ho! All three of us buckle down… Still got lots of trunks left! They haven’t moved out everything yet!
“So who’s helping you move? You taking away everything?”
I keep asking my same old questions.
“You’ll see soon enough!”
Pretty wary!
Need to clear some space!… We’ll have a better chance… now we’re hauling the biggest ones out into the hallway, the chests on the large sofa…
“Won’t you ever be back again, Madame?”
“Ah! So what kind of future would you wish on me, huh? To be found behind some trunk? Haven’t I made enough sacrifices? Lost enough of my youthful bloom? That I’m starting to look like his mummy Achille! That’s what he wants, Achille Norbert! That’s what Sosthène needs! Of course he’s a monster! Maybe that’s news to you? Out for himself and nobody else! They don’t come any crummier!… The world waiting on his whim!… Of course he wants to murder me!… He’s itching to… Ah! But he’s got another thing coming to him, my fine sir! You be sure and tell him… Finished! It’s finished!… Finished! Pépé’s leaving tonight! She’s free! Free as the wind! Isn’t that right, my sweetie! Sweetie!…”
She grabs the kid again… hugs, licks, nibbles him… the trunks sit right where we left them…
Ah! The silly cunt!
“OK fine! I’ll look through them myself!…”
I pounce on the pile, lift lids… stirring up volcanoes of dust!… I sneeze… choke…
“It’s not here!… It’s not here!…”
The dumb old bag’s razzing me! Tickled to see me rummaging around for nothing…
“He’ll never find out where I stuck it! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!…”
“And what about the pipes, you slut?” I demand.
“Ah! The pipes!… The pipes! Ah! Can’t forget about them!…”
The pipes are an even bigger riot!… They’re both playing me for a sucker…
The thought whips me up even more! I want the big book!
This gives her an idea for a dirty trick…
“I’m keeping the book, you’re not laying a hand on it!… So that hypocrite of yours wants it, huh? He wants to pick me clean! Ah, the bloodsucker! Well, the hell with you! I’d rather croak first! When I think of all the stuff he’s messed up for me! Ah! No, no, you’d never believe it! The kid! The kid! Look, on his head!…”
She swears to me on his innocent head…
“That bumbling boob of yours snatches people’s souls! He snatches their souls! You can tell him I said so… today I could have been a maharani! A maharani, did you hear me? That was my future… You don’t know what a maharani is? It’s bigger than a princess, it’s like a queen!… If only I hadn’t been just some meal ticket, hadn’t listened to that dumb rotten prick! That geek! That worm! That fly-swallower! Crying over the past is a big waste, that’s for sure!…”
She’s dumbstruck… something just dawns on her…
“Now you just listen to me, you little punk!” More conniptions… “I married him, get me, officially! Lawyers! Courts! The works! Don’t let that bloodsucker back there tell you any different!… It’s absolutely true! A maharani, that’s what his wife could have been! And that maharaja… He would have built me a temple in lapis lazuli! In jade if that’s what I wanted!… He’d already given the orders! Ah! Don’t have any comeback for that one, do you?… Sosthène! Sosthène! Goddamn you!”
Her anger flared back up… she swoops on the kid again in her raging sorrow!… Blubbers on him, wraps him in her arms, lovey-doveys… Her fury had a tender touch.
“Who’s carrying off your junk?”
Back to my question.
“Nelson, that’s who! Happy now?”
She sticks out her tongue at me. It wasn’t any great surprise… I’d figured it out… Still and all he worked fast… already part of the family!…
“He’ll be back any minute! You can get the hell out!”
Nobody was holding me back.
“Wait!…” I go. “Just hold on a single second! First let me find my book… you’re going to cart it off I’m sure!”
Ah! She really gets off on that idea… lets me rummage around all by myself… doesn’t even want the kid to lend me a hand…
“Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!” they go to me.
She spins a little “Tsk! Tsk!” ditty to rub it in good.
“Bonitas! Bonitas! Whoop! Yippee!”
And I’m supposed to wriggle my ass to the beat! Swing it, oh yeah, baby… she’s laughing so hard her hair’s falling into her mouth… I ignore the whole show, keep poking around… I’m tossing through the heaps…
“It’s not inside there, Madame?”
I’m talking serious. Now I’ve come to empty the biggest chest…
“Pssh! Pssh! Pssh!”
She drives me into a rage.
“Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!”
I’ve got to let her put a blindfold on me… then she’ll tell me whether I’m hot or cold… if I don’t she won’t lift one little finger to help me… it’s a crazy whim, an impulse… Ah! Now the kid thinks I’m a laugh-riot… she’s still a little girl herself… I grope around… Ah! I’m such a stitch! I stumble… “This one? This one?” I ask… I dive into the pile… topple over everything, rummaging… Don’t give a damn whose feet I step on… “No! No! No!” Cold as ice!… Backtrack with my arms flung wide right into the junk pile… blind as a bat… Up to my ears in props… and rose petals! I kick up billows and billows of them!… A big laugh for them!… I’m so fed up I’m going to wreck everything! I knock over three baskets in one swoop!
“Ah! He’s hot! He’s hot!” she squeals.
I yank off my blindfold, I look, a big zero… just some crummy old basket… tied with string, which I undo, lift the lid… a dummy’s inside…
“This is it?”
They’re holding their sides, howling like idiots!
“Ah! Real funny! So what about it? Hell, this isn’t any book!…”
I look, touch, it’s a skeleton, bones, hands, skull, in the ceremonial duds of a marquis at court.
“So what about it?” I go. “What about it?”
Ah! The glorious assholes! Some big joke! I join in the laughter, watch me! Hardy! Har! Har! Ah! Sly devils! Ah! Clever as hell they are! Something’s written on the lid… in red… a sign… I bend over… “Achille Norbert”… Ah! I get it now! Ah! Clear as day! Astounding! Ah! No kidding! Brilliant! I join in the laughter… Hardy! Har! Har! Just like them! Ah! How extraordinary! Ah! Silly galoots!
“So,” I go, “a dead body with stockings, shoes, the works! Never seen anything like that?”
Ah! They’re working on me!
“It’s so hilarious! So fantastic! Doesn’t take much to impress you!”
True, he was nicely spiffed up, with polished shoes no less, crimson satin breeches, a tailcoat with silver lapels… gold earrings, precious jewels… dressed to kill! A blue baldric, a dress sword… waistcoat with florets… Ah! Ah! She’s looking at me, I’ve made her sore, didn’t fall over on my ass… I’ve already seen corpses, you old hag, you dingbat! Think I was born yesterday!
“So this is Sosthène’s granddad?�
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He’d talked enough about him…
“He doesn’t bite, you know! He doesn’t bite!”
She decided to play Miss Smarty Pants… smile her way out of this!… Ah! You little phoney!…
“No, he doesn’t bite! No, he doesn’t bite! The proof is that I’m taking him with me. This stiff belongs to Sosthène!”
Ah! Fucked her there! She drops the act, absolutely refuses! She’s attached to this puppet of hers!
“You’re not taking it anywhere, you dumb brute!…” She’s going through the roof! “So, you want everything! You just listen here, I paid a small fortune for that! Just take a look at that little pirate! He’s even uglier than the monkey who owns him! Go on! Beat it!”
“Where you going to move it to?”
I make a point of being nosy, just to be a pain in her ass.
“None of your business, you impolite jerk!”
“Oh, come on, it belongs to Sosthène! Since it’s his old man! Got to bring it back to him! Ah! No two ways about it! It’s all been worked out!”
I’m not fooling around, I’m cocksure!
Her reaction? She jams herself across the doorway, yanks me back by my shirt-tails, really hooks into me, she won’t have me laying a finger on anything… I brush her aside, chuck her out of the way, knock her to the floor… How she squawks! Blows up! And I battle back more determined than ever! I want her marionette, the carcass, the skull and bones! With tricorne hat! And feather! ah! I want the works! Not a single stitch left behind!… His walking cane, even… a long, tapering stick topped with a knob! The whole scarecrow! The finger bones tied to the knob, the whole shebang off and away! One really nice piece of work!
“I’m not leaving without my Achille!”
I boom out the news. We’re going to have to fight this out! The broad’s still flat on her ass, can’t believe her ears…
“It’s a beautiful piece, indeed, Madame, it’s one hell of a piece!”
London Bridge Page 10
