“Yoo-hoo!…” I protest. “You’re cheating, you bum!”
I’m starting to catch on fast!… The guy cracks me up… he’s just wriggling his belly a little… that’s not what he’s supposed to be doing!… I’m an expert!…
“What about putting some oomph into it?… You said oomph was the secret!…”
I want to see him slaving away!…
“You’ll never catch that joker of yours! You’re going to make that demon sick to his stomach! He’s going to be thinking: ‘That slob!… that pimp!…’”
I want him to bust a gut!… Beat his brains out! I want my money’s worth since he’s gone and woken me up!… Right away he starts percolating… putting himself through the wringer! He stamps his heels… hops around… he’s off!… Gives me the eye… blinks… sails above the floor!… Honest-to-God leaps… he’s starting to look like the book… But hasn’t quite broken into a farandole!… The real whirlwind Sohukool-style!… Ah, no, he’s got a long way to go!… He’s sweating so hard the drops pour off as he pirouettes… stark naked his body’s working like a sprinkler!… He’s huffing and puffing a little… runs through his routine again… But I’ve got to mute the light… mask it with my undershorts!… Cos it’s much too raw for the Spirit!… Much too violent!… Still no good, nothing comes of it!… Shit! He’s pooping out!…
“Enough already with Sohukool!… Jeez, I’ve had it!…”
He’s throwing in the towel… stopping dead… panting!…
“I’ll never catch him… He’s too damn dumb! I can’t feel him any more! Shit! I can’t feel him!… Scram, you dirty bastard!”
He boots him out bluntly just like that!…
And then collapses in a heap.
A flop… had to face the fact!… Even so we can’t just roll over and die!… We got off track… that’s all!…
“Find the Goa page! Now there’s a Sar for you!… The genuine article!… With real magic powers!”
He’s revving up again.
“I used to make him appear whenever I wanted… Sar of the Third Ordeal! You hear me, Curlylocks? The Third… We’re talking about a powerful demon here! Sohukool doesn’t like London!… I can see what’s behind this!… I don’t want to say too much… Got to bring back Goa, that’s all there is to it!… I almost had him a while ago… Now Goa’s the sort who can hold up in London… he likes a damp climate!… The other’s a dry spirit!… I’ve always said so!… I could have guessed what would happen!…”
We start riffling back through the Vegas again… We find the three pages… the Ritual and then the Offerings!… There’re at least two hours’ worth of gesticulations!… If you follow the illustrations…
“You rap-tap!… Rap-tap!… Remember?… And I work my heels… Daa! Dum! Dum! And then you chime in, four times!… Plunk! Let’s go, hit it! With some pizzazz!… I’ll be right on top of you!… Daa! Dum! Dum!…”
He starts working himself back up into his trance… he’s a true believer!… Now he’s off again!… Dancing in a peplos… my sheet… twisting himself up in it… whipping it off into the air… catching it… dashing after it… revving up for take-off!… His feet leave the floor… up, up and away! Wham!… Slams right into the mirror… standing in his way!… The whole joint rocks!… And a hundred thousand shards… cascading down!… Ah! That face of his!… He looks like a real jerk now!… One hundred thousand pieces!…
“And so?” I ask… “Done yet?…”
“This means ten years of bad luck!…” His only comment… Don’t have to be a genius to know that!…
“Yes! So, what about going to bed?”
I thought this was going to do the trick!… That we’d already wrecked enough things! Ah! But no way!…
“End on this note?… Hell no!…”
“Come on now, you don’t know when to quit!… The whole mirror’s in smithereens! Ah! Just hold on! You’re not going to fool me a second time!… Ah! You’re a monster!… Take it from me!…”
“Come, come now, none of that, you weakling!…”
The guy’s a real bully, that’s a fact… treating me like some kid!… He’s a tyrant, a despot no less!… He starts badgering me!…
“Keep up the pace!… And put some life into it!… Be steadfast in the face of adversity!… Didn’t anybody ever tell you that before?”
And here we go with his pirouettes and catlike leaps… the dumb clown’s really cutting loose!… He’s everywhere at once… doing his tumbles from the beds over to the windows! Leaps over the sofa… pirouette! The text calls for fff! fff! fff!… marked in tiny hieroglyphics… meaning fast… I’m starting to catch on… carrying through on my fork… then my spoon… And he’s going wild in the middle of the room… wriggling around his belly hairs… dancing… trancing… Plus his little sighs… he snuggles up in a ball… kittenish… sensuous… and then springs back up on his feet!… Another round!… Mimicking fright… I’m going to run him ragged, to his last breath!… I don’t spare him a single fff! fff! fff!… I want to see him whirl it all out!… And give me the eye at the same time!… Otherwise I’ll quit, and take it over again from the top!… That’s what the text says to do!… I’m the stronger one now! A slave driver!… I keep him moving!… Shake him up!… Bam! Bam! Boom!… I keep him hopping!… I want to see some fire!… He’s got to outdo himself!… Both with his eyelids and his pelvis!… Plus his quivering head… Ah! I’m a stickler… a real ballbuster!… “Everything to the letter!… Everything to the letter!…” He has to play out the whole page for me… And I won’t be cheated!… Not out of one single illustration!… I want it all!… I want to see him keel over!… He’s still performing but his knees are turning to jelly, arms flailing around as he hops! I’ve gone and drained him dry, shit!… He’s got to say he’s sorry!… It must be three in the morning!… The bongs echoing in the distance! Big Ben out there in the night!…
“Come on, get a move on!… I’m still holding up… Show some vim!… Put some pizzazz into it! Ah! I’ll need to get out a whip… lazy son of a bitch!” That’s what I dish out to him… Now I’m the one spurring him on! For starters the pages are full of whips… every drawing’s got loads… plus pikes, hooks!… Enough to tear an entire regiment to pieces. All by way of example for me, I say! The rods of the Vegas!… Lashes of every shape and size!… I alert him!… He’s in a sweat… squealing… like a stuck pig… Ah! But he won’t give up!… He’s a tough old bird, no quitter! But I’ll make him say he’s sorry!… By the time we finish he’ll be mine!…
I’ve got the music down now… all the clip! clack! clack!… I perform each and every last one of them!… Like a swarm of locusts on my copper frame!… Steady ping-ping drizzle!… But he wants to screw me up too… complicate my life… now he wants me to make tongue sounds… Ah! He’s getting fancy!… He wants me to gurgle in syncopation!… That’s how the spirits of the dance like it!… Apparently it gets them all excited!… Makes them shine their brightest!… One more thing to worry about!
“OK! OK! OK!…” No bickering!… He’s the one who wears me out when all’s said and done… He had the upper hand… the last word… next time I’ll act sick!… He can go and wake up the Colonel to play his rattles… that’s what I thought of that belly dance and gurgling of his…
“Ferdinand!… You just watch me pour it on!…”
He wanted me to whoop it up… go wild with the rhythm! He outdid himself whirling around!… I couldn’t even see him any more he was moving so fast!… And whoosh! Up into the air! There he goes!… The hairy typhoon!… Ah! I was doomed to keep running into the most God-awful screwballs!… Now he was Terpsichore in person! Lucky me!… King of Transcendent Dances!…
I’m shot… I yawn… He curses me out…
“So you giving me the sack? You lousing me up? The gentleman’s just packing up and taking off!… And then what happens to me? The gentleman doesn’t give a damn! Couldn’t care less!… The gentleman is clearing out!… Mr Sex-Crazy Big Mouth!… Who’s on the
job?… Nobody!… You’re taking a powder!… Oh yeah, sure, you’ll get it all, all for yourself, the girlie and the meal ticket! You’ll get everything I’ve been telling you about!… And meanwhile your benefactor will’ve kicked the bucket! That sucker Sosthène won’t be bugging you any more!… You’ll be feasting on huge legs of lamb!… All just for you!…”
Ah! So he was my benefactor, was he!… Ah! The guy cracked me up!… One moment of doubt from me and he bares his claws, flings unfair accusations… Goddamned ornery bastard!…
We had to take it over again from the very top… the Goa dance was turning out to be a total no-magic bust!… The sweat was pouring off him!… His old bag of bones was clattering!… He was wheezing, shaking everything on his body he could shake!… No good… It did as much magic-wise as marmalade!… Just turned him into a bitchy loon! Big fat zero… He wouldn’t call it quits.
“Hold on, let me take a look…”
He grabs the book… I yawn… it was striking four o’clock!
Another bright idea!… Another!…
“Hmm… What I need is rhythm twenty-seven, the Pandah Voulii. Ah! Now that’s really something!… from the Khorostene Temple!… Ah! Wait till you get a load of that one!… I make my entrance from down under… Can you picture it?… My face covered in soot… completely blackened… At first you don’t recognize me!… You beat out your fright on the copper frame… your crazed terror!… A non-stop staccato panic! The storm of fear!… I come towards you… I want to strangle you!… So right away you kiss me!… You clap your hands! You’re happy!… I grant your prayer!… You’ve been praying for twelve moons!… I’ve come to bump you off… naturally!… You couldn’t ask for more… You think I’m consenting… that I’ve come to grant your prayer!… A comic routine!… Go fuck yourself, Jack!… Look, it’s all right here on the page!…” He shows me the book again… “Here, drawing twenty-seven… You can see the pauses, the grimaces!… The stances… the various wiles… Take a good look!… You see… I refuse your sacrifice!… I scorn your body!… I don’t want your hide!… Your smell!… I don’t want your soul either!… Just look and see how much I despise you!…”
That’s just what figure twenty-seven was about all right… Clear as day!… “That’s when it gets good!… You shimmy around… work yourself into a lather!… You want to breathe me in! You want me to take you come what may! I am the Spirit of the Khorostene Temple! I just want what’s good for you!… But not your body! We act out the whole thing! I dance all around your body!… I fascinate you… but find you unclean!… Twelve pirouettes as the moon turns from left to right… a ploy… all the way to the washstand… circling around the entire temple supposedly… You’re crying because I don’t want to sacrifice you!… You’re rolling on the ground!… Pleading with me!… You offer me your neck!… Look, like this…”
He shows me.
“You call Wandor to the rescue!… The demon bird!… To make me jealous!… And you accompany me in sextuple time!… Ah! Never forget your music!… You’ve got to keep belting it out with your fork!… Bop! Bop! Bip! Bip!… And then your spoon… Clack! Clack! Clack!… And then three gurgles… Glug-lug-lug!… Go ahead! You start out nervous and then you turn lovey-dovey!… Lovey-dovey for Wandor!… Wandor shows up from the other side!… You weren’t expecting that!… Surprise!”
The whole description was printed in red in the Vega… All the Sanskrit characters… He spelt them out for me word by word!… He mustn’t have been able to read very well!… The illuminations were beautiful!… The Wandor bird was breathing fire!… Its blue-and-green wings spanned two huge pages, top to bottom… the fantastical bird…
“I’ll teach you Sanskrit, you greenhorn!… It’ll be a lot easier that way.”
“And how, Monsieur Sosthène!”
He translated for me as he went along!…
I was supposed to tie myself into knots… some pretty tricky business… but of absolutely utmost importance!… Ah! He really hammered away about that, I had to switch from friendly to imploring to sensuous!… Let’s hear it on drums!… He snuck onto the scene from the hallway… a Wandor wannabe… on the tips of his wings! Hunkered down… crafty… to create the total effect!… Rolled up in the rug… He was supposed to surprise me… So I went “Oh! Oh! Oh!” in surprise!… Right then I unleashed the storm… in full swing exploding away on the bars!… The box springs… the chair! And just look at that guy go!… He’s taking off… manoeuvring all around the beds!… The Devil incarnate… just like in the engravings!… He scowls at me… We stand nose to nose… Ah! This is a riot!… I bust out laughing!… My mistake! He gets pissed off… we’ve got to take it from the top!… My fault!… He goes back out onto the hallway!… This time around he works up some real momentum! A terrific bound!… He takes off! With one wing beat he sails across the beds… and crashes down ker-boom!… A ton of bricks!… On his back!… What a racket!… And he doesn’t even weigh that much! The whole joint trembles… He’s howling in pain!… Squawking! He hurt himself real bad this time!… I think he might have broken his back!…
“Ah! Ah!” he goes!… “I’ve got him!… I’ve got him!… Ferdinand! He’s mine!…”
He gloats in triumph!
“What do you have?”
“I feel him!… I feel him!…”
He’s contorting… and recontorting all over the carpet!… Jerking around his arms… his legs!… His hairy belly quivering like crazy!… Sucked in and then puffed out!… Swelling up… he sighs!… A goatskin! Bagpipes!… Then he’s off again!…
“I’ve got him!… I’ve got him!…”
He’s having a fit…
“I feel him!… I feel him!…”
He’s drooling… foaming at the mouth… groaning… barking… a dog!… Then he moans some more!…
“I’ve got him!… He’s mine, Ferdinand!…”
And such sweat and strain… an awful struggle!… As though locking horns with himself!… Braced in hand-to-hand combat!… In a superhuman convulsion!… Right in the middle of the room… as though his arms were clutched around a giant!… Ah! Just awesome!…
“I’ve got him!… He’s mine!…”
He’s shouting at me!… Squawking!…
Ah! Scary stuff!
“Go to it! Go to it!”
I cheer him on.
“Lie down on the bed,” I advise.
Seems to me a more comfortable spot for waging his agonizing struggle…
“Get into bed, will you!… Into bed!…”
“No, stupid asshole…” he answers… “This is Goa!…” Boiling over furious he rages in a life-or-death struggle!… Hand-to-hand around himself!…
Ah! Goa! Now that’s a surprise… We weren’t expecting him! He’s not the one we’d invoked!… Great ferocious Goa! What a colossal screw-up!… I understood his amazement!… His increased fury!… We were expecting Wandor… Wandor the devil bird!… Not Goa!… Ah! No confusing those two!… We’d been expecting Goa back at the last contortion… And now he shows up on the scene… after we’d given up on him! Ah! What a dirty trick! Ah! No-good bastard!… And with such a ferocious grasp! A real bone-crusher!… I could see it with my own eyes!… Those deadly strangleholds!…
“I’m telling you it’s him!… Goa!” he bellowed over to me from the thick of the fray… his knock-down drag-out with the monster!… He got bowled over on his ass, rolling around the carpet, drooling, one foot in the grave… wheezing like crazy!… That’s just how it was!… I stood there taking it all in, dumbstruck in terror!… I couldn’t help him!… He was battling a presence, a symbolic body!… Nothing to do!… “The Sar of the Third Power!…” he stammers out through his drool…
“He’s all over me!… He’s all over me!… He’s coming inside me, Ferdinand!… He’s coming inside!…”
It’s all one big horrendous herky-jerky spectacle of mystic fury down there on the carpet… as though he were bucking in convulsions against himself… right in Goa’s clutches!…
“He’s coming inside me!… He’s coming inside me!…”
Now he was growling on the carpet like a dog, dead tired, worn out, beaten to within an inch of his life!…
He was fainting away in agony… stark naked… flat on his back…
“He’s heavy, Ferdinand!… So heavy!…”
That’s what he was moaning…
Goa was on top of him, mystically speaking… and crushing him under his horrendous weight! I wanted Sosthène to get to his feet… I tried to give him a hand… and yank back… heave ho! Again and again!… No good!… He was too heavy apparently… pinned to the floor that way… under the demon…
“Ah! Fuck this shit!… You’re screwed now!…”
“This is no joke, moron!…” he insults me…
He was choking in anger… and then got the hiccups!…
Shit! This was funny stuff!
“You’re a scream!…”
I start braying hee-haw hee-haw like a jackass… I can’t stop!… What a sight he was wheezing away down there! Belly in the air in the buff! Red hair! Just amazing! My God!…
What a performance!…
He couldn’t move a muscle… pinned down under the tremendous load!…
“I’m dead beat!… I’m turning in!” I announce.
I was glad it was over!… I was up to my eyeteeth with acrobatics!… He could go ahead and croak with that belly of his sticking up in the air!…
Ah! Was I ever wrong!… It was far from over!… He starts shaking like crazy all over again… His whole body’s racked with spasms… from top to bottom!… Still flat on his back!… Writhing!… Flying out of whack… eyes turning back in his head… rolling on himself… flailing… it’s the falling sickness!… I lean over him…
“Where’s it hurt?” I ask.
In the end he was a royal pain in my ass.
“I’m happy!…” he moans… “I’m happy!… It’s Goa!… It’s Goa!… I’ve got him!…”
London Bridge Page 32
