One night… Knock! Knock! Knock!… I hear a rap… I’m not dreaming… somebody’s at the door!… I don’t answer… Sosthène still wasn’t in bed… So I open my ears… Knock! Knock! Knock!… Dead silence from me… I wanted whoever to think I was asleep… maybe it was a servant!… Maybe I was wanted downstairs… because the lushes got some wild hair up their ass!…
“Ferdinand!… Ferdinand!…”
It was Virginia…
I leap out of bed.
“Coming!… Coming!…”
I dash to the door… crack it open.
“Come down to the garden…” she whimpers to me… like that, real nervous… panting… “Right now!… Right now!… I’ve got to talk to you!…”
Oh! Boy oh boy oh boy! Here we go again!… A calamity!… As sure as I’m standing here!…
“What?… What?…”
I stammer… trip up on my tongue… I want to know… I ask… and ask again… what a mess!… What is it now? She made up her mind just like that… a fit of boldness… she comes up to see me while her uncle’s downstairs getting stewed… Ah! Some cheek girls have! When you don’t want to talk to them any more they’re the ones who get your tongue wagging again! She wants to take me down to the garden… dead set on the idea!… And this very second!… I’ve got to hop to it… and here I was not bothering anybody… already in dreamland… Where’d she want to drag me off to? Lead me astray one more time? Taking advantage of her uncle being half-crocked!… Ah! The double-crosser! Rotten from the day she was born!… Where’re we headed, to the movies?… Out dancing?… I wasn’t one bit thrilled!… She was a savvy little vixen, and how!… Diabolical… Ah! Just get a load of her!… The Devil in her flesh!… Monsieur Sosthène, you can just forget it… you’re clueless… this little demon… standing here with me… Ah! You can just forget about your incantations!… I was starting to give way… Ah! I felt the spell working… sucking my willpower… Ah! The driving force of youth!… Ah! I fell prey, an easy mark to the little scamp… why not return to the Tweet-Tweet Club? Holy cow, what a kid!…
I throw on some clothes… obediently… I’d go anywhere she’s got a mind to go!… But that didn’t mean I wanted her in my bedroom… to walk right in… with me in the buff!…
“Go down!… Go down!… I’m coming!…”
She goes down ahead of me… I hurry… Ready to go!… Here I am!… We’re together in the garden… At first I can’t make her out in the darkness… she takes my hand… leads me all the way to the back… across the lawn… toward the ivy-covered wall…
“Ferdinand!… Ferdinand!…” like that up against my ear… whispering… worried… her voice sounds different!…
I held her against me… couldn’t see her face.
“Ferdinand!… Ferdinand!…” she repeated… “Ferdinand!…”
“Ferdinand what?…” I ask her, even so… “Ferdinand what?”
She really had me guessing.
“Oh, Ferdinand!… Oh, Ferdinand!…” That’s all she could get out… the words stuck in her throat.
“Well?… Well?…” I give her a little shake.
True… I was totally mystified… these charades of hers… what was she trying to get at?…
“Well? Well?…”
I press her… Good Lord!… For her to tell me what’s on her mind!… She kisses me, still without a word… I don’t understand what she’s after… I kiss her back…
“Darling!…” I go to her… “My little darling!…” I hug her against me… I think that’s what she wants… for me to cuddle her while standing here this way… but it’s pretty foolhardy… I’m aware of that… Ah! I shouldn’t be doing this… what if this was another big tease?… A trap being set for me?… Some hex? Something to turn me back into a sex-crazed nutcase?… What if she really wasn’t all weepy-eyed?… But just waiting, nothing more?… Waiting for me to make a dumb move?… Ah! I wish she’d talk… but she’s crying… crying… without saying a word… sobbing right up against my shoulder… standing there in the darkness… Nice mess I’m in!… Normally she’s not a crybaby… Ah! She’s getting to me…
“Virginia!… Virginia!…”
I beg her… coax her…
“Dear, what is it?…”
I was at a total loss. I wound up imagining things… that her uncle had caught her again… beat the hell out of her… something she was scared to come out with.
“Did your uncle whip you? Did he?”
“Oh no!… No!…”
Wrong guess!…
“Then what is it?”
Ah! Her blubbering was starting to bug me. And wham, all at once, I don’t know how, a light in my head snaps on!… Ah! Fucking hell!… It dawns on me!… Never occurred to me before!… Hell!… Holy shit!… But!… But!… But!… Ah! But I’ve got it now!… Ah! I’d like to get a look at her face! Ah! You bet I would!… It’s too damn dark!…
I pop the question point-blank: “You’re having a baby?…” I ask… “A baby?… Virginia? A baby?…”
She goes, “Yes! Yes!…” nodding… into my shoulder.
Oh! Jesus! Whoaah!… What’d she say?… I just had to go and ask!… Oh! I’m floored!… I gasp!… Can’t believe my ears!… Knees like jelly… woozy… what a blow!… I’m choking… strangling… you bet I’m trembling… stammering…
“You… you… you sure?… Sure?”
“Yes!… Yes!…”
Dead sure.
Ah! Can’t be!… Can it? Why, sure can!…
We’re swaying together on our feet… I’m rocking back and forth… don’t know where I am any more… the little miss… Oh! Christ!… Ah! I just can’t believe it!… Ah! It’s too much to take!… Ah! I’m a wreck! I’m biting my tongue… no, I’m rocking back and forth… cradling her as she stands there leaning against me… who knows where I am any more!… Can’t believe it… the shock… my mind’s a blank…
“You sure?… You sure?…” I keep repeating… just like that through the darkness… the only words I can manage to get out… “You sure?… You sure?…”
“I think… I think…” A sad little voice… a quaver… reedy… wasn’t like her to talk in a quaver… impish and naughty was more her style… not all quivery…
I wanted this to be really sure!… And not just the jitters… what if she herself didn’t know the whole story yet? And maybe was just imagining it all!… Because of things she’d overheard… and got wrong… a scared little kid… just a girl!… With her head in a whirl… she was young… just how young struck me right then and there… and real little… Ah! Hell! At that age!… Which was how old?… What was her age exactly?… Ah! Jeez… That’s right!… Getting knocked up as a kid!… What if she died?… Maybe it’s fatal?… What did I know?… I’d never given it a second’s thought!… Ah! That’d be the final blow!… The consequences scared me so bad my whole head started hammering!… I was trembling… even as I kept standing there with her rocking back and forth!… My temples were throbbing!… Ah! I shouldn’t have!… Shouldn’t have!… With her short skirt… so short… I ought to have known… her calves… her thighs… Ah! But I didn’t!… Ah! I had sex on the brain! Clear she was way too young!… The slammer for you, you son of a bitch!… The slammer!… The gallows… the slammer!… A rope around your neck!… Snap!… End of story!… That’s what happens when you mess around with jailbait!… Ah! The question was tearing me apart… Ah! Hell! Was it me?… Was it her?… Ah! I didn’t know which end was up any more!… I was all mixed up… in a total fog… the whole time rocking back and forth in the darkness… with her against me… I squeezed hard… Nobody could see us… there was nothing to see… it was pitch-dark… Terrific!… My whole head one holy mess on top of the whistling steam in my brain! Ah! If it weren’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all… me!… Me!…
“How old are you?”
“Fourteen…”
“Fourteen!…”
Ah! I’ll be damned!… Such a mess… plus it’s all
true… it wasn’t some dream!… I held her weeping in my arms… still rocking back and forth!… With her… it was nice outside… a gorgeous night… the sky thick with stars!… Ah! Seems like yesterday… out there on the lawn! Ah! I felt like a heel!… What a rotten stroke of luck!… I still couldn’t believe it!… She was blubbering… blubbering… she broke down in tears, sobs… Ah! It was all gone!… Such gloom and doom!… She was always in such good spirits, bouncy, always off on one whim or another!… Skipping… and running… and jumping… you couldn’t keep hold of her… a pixie! Ah! All gone!… Her days as a little scamp were over… a holy terror!… Ah! Jeez! Crying her heart out!… Like a doll smashed to pieces… without a hope in the world!… Sobbing hard!… Her fresh young body against mine!… Ah! I kiss her!… I kiss her!… But first… how’d she find out?… Ah! Yes, by the way? Just how exactly?… Maybe it’s only in her mind?… A guess?… Just something she imagined… just something she overheard on the subject? Nothing more?… And she worked herself all up!… Into a dither!… Spooked!… By the bogeyman?… Ah! Easy to understand at her age!… She was throwing a scare into me too… with kid gloves I pried a few words out of her… but she wouldn’t quit her bawling… Ah! It was the end of the world!…
“Who told you, darling?”
“The doctor…”
“Doctor… You’ve been to the doctor’s?… When?”
“Last night…”
She went to the doctor’s last night?… Was this some new lie?… She wasn’t a big fibber… did she go by herself?… A strong possibility… Ah! That’s all I needed!… Ah! No mistake there!… Just my lucky night! I hit the jackpot!… Ah! I’m on a streak!… The grand prize!… Ah! I just stand there rocking… in place… the brat blubbering against me… I didn’t know which end was up… Too much stinking crap was coming down on me! Ah! Fuck all this goddamn shit!… When it rains it pours, hell!… Give it all you got, little sister!… I can’t do a thing about it!… Shout your mouth off, stammer, you dummy! Answer! It’s too much! Too much! inside my head! Ka-boom! Ka-boom!… And ka-boom! A non-stop bombardment… Everything crashing down on my damn head! Too many calamities coming my way!… I kiss her… kiss her…
“Dear!… Dear!… Dear!…” is what I say to her… incredibly shaken… upset… I felt like bawling too… I couldn’t be hard on her… that would have got me nowhere… All from our night in the Tweet-Tweet Club!… Ah! I had my tail between my legs!… If she had gone to see a doctor… and he’d told her… then it was for sure!… Which doctor?… I’ll ask her later… after she quits crying… Ah! How dark it was out in the garden… Had to be… Better this way… Just wish I could’ve seen her expression… her little face in front of me… and check whether it was true… Ah! But all I could do was keep rocking back and forth!… I held her tight in my arms… Ah! You horny rascal!… You naughty old geezer! Ah! I was starting to imagine what’d be next… you fuck little girls!… You appalling pig!… You perverted monster!… Fucking a child!… Knocked up, mister!… Knocked up, sex maniac! Ah! You’re a fine one!… You damned bum!… You crazy loon! Sex maniac! Frenchman! But no, not loony! Ladies and gentlemen! I see stars! I got a crazy cock, that’s all! Crazy! You nasty boy! You cut-throat! You crook! Hang him high! Ah! I kept kissing her!… Consoling her… still standing out there on the lawn… the pair of us… together!…
“Little darling!” I kept saying… real soft and easy… “Little honey!…”
Ah! What a fine mess!… Ah! I felt like a skunk! Yiiyiipee!… She was kissing me back… kissing me back!… She held me by the neck like that!… Ah! We were both in a real jam!… You could bet on that!… But still she had to get it through her head, we weren’t talking little girl’s stuff any more!… She had to listen… because I had something serious to talk to her about… so no crying… or hopping around… or running away… time to act sensible!… Time for us to put our heads together…
“Virginia!… Virginia, sweetie… My little pussy-wussy!…”
I couldn’t spell it all out… I kept kissing her… she stopped crying! Ah! We could hear the birds… that just had to be a nightingale… I made her listen! “Nightingale!…” I knew she liked birds… I make her start crying again!… She was cuddling me… cradling my big head in her arms… talking in a hush…
“Dear Ferdinand!… Ferdinand!…” like that earnestly…
I thought she was scared of the dark…
“Poor little one!… Little one!… Little one!” I replied… It’s true she was little… well-knit, tough as nails… but little… compared to me anyway, I mean!… Big for her age… Ah! Damn it to hell!… Pregnant… everything I’d been saying… What a crummy break… What a dumb stinking jinx!… If I didn’t have rotten luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all!… “Little one!” I kept saying to her… Cradling her too just like that… we were cradling each other… “Little one”… out there on the lawn… in the dark… I hugged her against me, standing there… not too hard… I’m careful!… What about her belly? The thought hits me… maybe I might hurt her…
“Honey buns!” I say… “Let’s sit down…”
I sit down with her on the bench… kiss her… lovey-dovey her… things are better now… she’s not sobbing so hard… and then wham! Another burst of tears!… She’s crying her eyes out!… This all happened in the dark… I was clean out of things to do or say… I’d run through all my graceful touches!…
London Bridge Page 36
