The Tin Pot Dom
The Tin Pot Dom is no more a Dominant than the person who wears a dollar store eye patch on Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19th, by the way) is really a pirate. Tin Pot Doms generally fall into two categories.
The first is the role player. This Tin Pot Dom doesn’t consider what he does as a deception; he considers it role play. As far as he is concerned, D/s isn’t a lifestyle; it’s entertainment. He sees what he does - role playing the part of a Dominant - as a perfectly natural and appropriate behavior, mainly because he believes he is interacting with people who are doing precisely the same thing. It hasn’t quite dawned on him that those people really may be Dominants and submissives, and not just acting out roles. The role player Tin Pot Dom believes that everyone is simply making it up as they go along, so he feels pretty confident doing so himself. The ridiculous notion of doing any homework on how real Dominants might conduct themselves makes about as much sense to him as trying to learn how real vampires behave.
Eventually, the role player Tin Pot Dom realizes his mistake but, by then, it’s usually too late to recover from it gracefully. The great majority of them will simply drop the role completely, quickly assume another identity, and then start doing a little homework on the lifestyle. Some may even go so far as to explore how they might fit into the lifestyle in reality, rather than through role play. If they are smart and/or lucky, they will find mentors or friends who will help them navigate the tricky path from role play to reality.
You probably know more of these folks than you think. They’re usually the people who tell you, “I’m a submissive (or switch), but I used to be a Dom.” Translation: “I used to role play being a Dominant until one day, I realized that there really were such things, and that I wasn’t one.”
Just because someone discovers the D/s lifestyle through role play doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t successfully adopt it as a way of life and find happiness in a D/s relationship. All who arrive at this lifestyle come by different paths, and no path is intrinsically better than another. The important thing is that they arrive safe and sound. Such is not always the case with the next type of Tin Pot Dominant.
The second category of Tin Pot Dom is the self-delusional variety. This poor bastard really believes in his innate superiority and unrecognized demi-godhood, despite the overwhelming body of evidence to the contrary. He develops his strategies and techniques, not out of any sense of deception, but from a purely pragmatic sense of what has worked for him in the past. He simply plays the odds. He knows that if he approaches twenty complete strangers and commands each of them to drop to their knees and submit to him that nineteen of them will slap him silly, but the twentieth just might do it. He knows that eventually, he will find someone who is willing to buy into his delusion and feed it, and that’s all that matters.
If you happen to be that unlucky person who has bought into his delusion, he also knows that separating you from the D/s community-at-large will insulate you from dissenting voices which might warn you about him. He knows he is shunned by others in the lifestyle but, then again, what else would you expect from such riff-raff? He knows all of this, because he’s seen it work for him time and again, and it’s hard to argue with success. Anyone who steadfastly refuses to recognize his innate superiority is simply a bit-player or antagonist in a grand drama that is played out on center-stage in his own little parallel universe.
You might be tempted to pity the self-delusional Tin Pot Dom until you realize the full magnitude of the damage that his kind does to submissives, to the D/s lifestyle, and to society in general. As a result of this person’s delusional and often paranoid behavior, submissives often end up stripped of their dignity, sense of self-worth, self-confidence and trust. Others in the lifestyle are forced constantly to defend our way of life because of the widespread stereotypes and misconceptions that result from the actions of these bad apples. Even worse, there are those high-profile, extreme cases where the worst of these self-delusional, criminally insane individuals kidnap people and keep them chained in their basement or bury them in their backyards.
Now, before I am accused of engaging in fear-mongering, or the wanton and indiscriminate slander of all the poor, innocent, harmlessly self-deluded Tin Pot Doms everywhere, I hope you’ll allow me to just say that I did not mean to imply that all self-deluded Tin Pot Dominants are psycho loons. I meant to imply that most of them are.
Alrighty, then. Let the accusations fly.
There you have it, my perspective on what I consider to be the eight major categories of Dominants and a ninth for the TPDs who are role players or self-delusional. My perspectives on this and other D/s lifestyle topics have been shaped and impacted by thirty-five years of D/s relationships, a lifetime of unusual life experiences, and an admittedly eccentric world-view. I suppose the key to getting your money’s worth from this book will be your ability to take from it what is useful to your relationships and activities, and to simply disregard the rest. There isn’t much in the D/s lifestyle that can be characterized as right or wrong. It is either useful to you, or it is not.
Frankly, I fully expect that some of the things I say in this book are going to cause some people to foam at the mouth and perhaps even say not-nice things about me. That’s okay. It’s all part of the process. I’d be far more concerned if everyone were agreeing with me, since that’s usually my first clue that I’m dead wrong about something.
Peeking Into My Head
Speaking of being wrong, I am truly fortunate to be able to count among my dearest friends my former collared submissive, a woman who has turned tactfully telling me that I’m wrong into a virtual art form. She has been an invaluable aide and adviser in the production of this book from concept to completion, and I trust her instincts and opinions without reservation. So, when she ever-so-tactfully told me well into the writing of the book that I was doing it wrong, I listened.
She told me that my readers wanted more than an informative or even entertaining book about D/s and BDSM relationships. Anyone could write that book, she said. What they wanted, she assured me, was the chance to be voyeurs. They wanted a peek into my head. They wanted to know how someone like me, a Dominant with over thirty-five years of experience in this lifestyle and in these kinds of relationships, thinks and feels and acts.
And, to be brutally honest, I wanted absolutely no part of that.
I have always been an exceedingly private person, and not without good reason. At various times in my life, I have been targeted in one way or another by criminals, enemy soldiers, union thugs, law enforcement officers, political activists, crooked lawyers, newspaper reporters, and even jealous husbands. Some of those people pointed real guns loaded with real bullets, at me. Others used less obvious, but even more insidious methods that, frankly, made me nostalgic for gunplay. I learned some important lessons from all of that, the most valuable being: Don’t make yourself a target.
And now, I was being asked to do just that.
My immediate reaction was to simply dismiss the idea, outright. I really did not want to make any part of this book all about me. I’ve spent my entire life playing my cards close to the vest. I wasn’t about to suddenly start playing them face up on the table. Paranoia may not be a winning strategy for everyone, but it’s always worked pretty well for me.
I promised her that I’d at least think about it. And, I did.
After about a week of thinking about it, I realized she was right. There really was only one thing I could offer to my readers that no one else could, and that was me - or more accurately, my own unique experiences and thoughts. The rest of it, anyone could write. I gave it a little more thought, and finally arrived at what I believe is a reasonable compromise between “The BDSM Textbook That Anyone Could Have Written” and “Mike Makai’s XXX Memoirs.”
At the end of each chapter, I’ve added a section called “My Two Cents.” There, you’ll find personal anecdotes, opinions or reflections culled from my lifetime ac
cumulation of unique experiences in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles. The stories range from pleasant recollections to painful memories; but they are true, and they are told from the heart.
If you prefer your BDSM relationship handbooks to be more scholarly than memoirish, feel free to skip merrily past those parts and on to the next chapter. Seriously, I won’t mind. Not one teensy-weensy bit.
My Two Cents on Being a Dominant
What kind of a Dominant am I? My first impulse has always been to categorize myself as an Ineffable Dom, but I’ve recently come to realize that I’ve always done so not so much because my style of dominance can’t be described, but because I just don’t like having to describe it.
If I had to categorize myself, I would be very tempted to create a whole new classification for myself and the relatively small number of other Dominants who are like me. I would designate it the White Knight Dom. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that a person would have to be pretty darn full of himself to think he can willy-nilly create a whole new category of Dominant just for himself and, in fact, you would be absolutely right. Fortunately, when it comes to being full of myself, I am eminently qualified.
The White Knight Dom wants to right wrongs, slay dragons, rescue beautiful women, treat his submissive like a princess, and become King – and he wants to do it all before lunch. He is driven by a deep sense of chivalry and altruism that transcends what he considers to be the sordid and tawdry business of self-gratification. The White Knight lives to find solutions to your problems. He gets off on learning what makes you tick. He truly isn’t happy unless you’re happy. Where other Dominants might seek out submissives for their own gratification, the White Knight seeks them out because that’s what a White Knight does as he solves riddles, completes quests, and slays monsters. For the White Knight, conduct and protocol count for a lot. This is why a submissive’s ability to convincingly pull off the classic transformation from “princess in public, to whore in the bedroom” is so important to him. The gallant knight expects – no, demands – that anyone he rescues from the clutches of the beast be future Queen material. The White Knight aspires to be King of his castle, sovereign of the realm, and to be afforded all the rights and privileges thereof.
There are disadvantages of being a White Knight, some of them quite profound, indeed. The first and most obvious is you simply can’t save everyone, no matter how much you may want to, no matter how hard you try. Second, there are fewer and fewer princesses to go around, which frankly, is exactly the way princesses like it. Even when a princess can be found and rescued, the fairy tales rarely mention what happens next. The White Knight returns to the castle with his prize in hand, only to be greeted by a royal chorus of crestfallen princesses crying out, “Geez, Sir Knight! Not another princess!”
Another disadvantage involves the dirty little secret that White Knights would prefer remain unspoken: Not all problems have solutions. When faced with an unsolvable predicament, particularly if someone depends upon his ability to fix whatever may be wrong, the White Knight’s shortcomings are felt far more intensely.
People can often sense the White Knight’s problem-solving abilities and chivalrous aura and, as a result, sometimes even complete strangers will bare their souls and bring their problems to him, hoping and expecting him to make things right.
And sometimes, he actually does.
“Surely there is a time to submit to guidance and a time to take one's own way at all hazards.”
Thomas Huxley
Chapter 2: The Submissive
What is a Submissive?
Depending upon whom you ask, a submissive may be described as anything from a human doormat to a conspiratorial behind-the-scenes puppet-master who controls her Dominant without his knowledge. The reality, as usual, can be found somewhere between those two extremes.
For our purposes, we’ll simply define a submissive as a person who acts in a compliant or submissive role in life, and especially in relationships. A submissive may be what we call a “true submissive” in the sense that these traits are firmly hard-wired into her psyche and she simply doesn’t know any other way to be, or she may be acting out a submissive role, whether consciously or unconsciously. A submissive is defined primarily by her deep-seated desire to serve and please another, while feeling loved, cherished and cared for. You might be surprised to learn that even the submissive who is an extreme masochist or who craves degradation and humiliation still wants to feel as appreciated and treasured as any other kind of submissive.
We will also, for the purposes of this book, continue in the habit of referring to submissives with the feminine pronoun “she.” As we stated previously, this is not being done out of any gender bias on the author’s part, nor in the erroneous belief that all submissives are female or, conversely, that all females are or should be submissive. No, nothing of the sort. It is simply a hat-tip to the fact that in our society, submission is typically seen as a feminine trait, and statistics have generally supported the notion that the majority of submissives in the D/s lifestyle just happen to be female. Besides, having to say “he or she” in every other sentence just hurts my brain.
Despite having a handy dictionary-style definition, many readers will still be left with lingering questions regarding whether they, themselves, might be submissives. To assist you with that conundrum, we’ll explore a series of probing questions on the subject, just as we did in the previous chapter. As I cautioned you in our earlier discussion on Dominants, much depends upon how well you know yourself, or at the very least, upon your willingness to do some soul-searching as you ponder these questions. Additionally, you should give considerable thought to whether your answers are describing your innate, hard-wired core character traits, or roles which you are able to assume or cast off as the situation demands. A true submissive cannot simply remove her “submissive hat” and replace it with a “Dominant hat.” That’s because her submission is hard-wired into her head, and not her hat.
Anyone in the D/s lifestyle who has the ability to shift their behavior from submissive to Dominant and back again at will is appropriately called a “switch.” Outside of the D/s lifestyle, there’s another name for people who can switch back and forth between these roles as appropriate. We call these people “normal.” There’s nothing at all unusual about someone who excels in her career as an obedient underling to the CEO, a domineering supervisor to those she manages in her department, a submissive partner to her spouse at home, and tyrant to her children. That’s what most normal people do on a day to day basis. It is only when you add the whips and chains aspect that it starts to sound kinky. For more on switches, see Chapter 3: The Switch.
Introspection
If you are someone who is wondering if you are “hard wired” to be a submissive, or whether you are suited to assume the role of a submissive, some introspection can help you to sort through the issues involved. Take a few moments to ponder the following thought-provoking questions as a way to explore your potential inner subbiness:
Does the idea of service, particularly service to someone you love and respect, make you happy? Service is a concept that few people give much thought to these days. Obviously, it can mean different things to different people but, generally speaking, it refers to behaving in ways that benefit others. Performing service can be one of the most fulfilling things you can do, whether you are a submissive or not. I served my country as a soldier for twenty years, and I know without a doubt that I am a better person for having done so. But not all service has to be quite so difficult or life-changing. Doing a little yard work for the elderly widow who lives next door, or volunteering your time to the local food bank are just a few examples of the types of service that benefit the one who performs the service as much as the recipient. If performing service to help a complete stranger can bring you joy and fulfillment, imagine how much happier you might be if you were given the opportunity to do something similar for someone that you love and respect. If the i
dea of service to the one you love warms the cockles of your heart, then you just might be a submissive.
Do you find yourself instinctively sacrificing your own comfort, well-being, or material things for others? This question is similar to the previous one regarding service, but there is a distinct difference between service and sacrifice. Service is cooking dinner for your kids. Sacrifice is going hungry so your kids can have dinner. Some people have such a giving nature, they don’t know how or when to stop giving, even when it threatens to leave them in dire straits. Feeding the hungry is one thing; giving your last crust of bread to someone who owns a grocery store is another thing entirely. Unfortunately, our society is full of wolves who prey upon these sacrificial lambs and their loving, generous nature. If you’re the sort of person who seems to attract the kind of people who take advantage of your sense of sacrifice, then you just might be a submissive.
Do you generally prefer to avoid contention and confrontation at all costs? People typically fall into two categories when it comes to dealing with personal confrontation. There are those who enthusiastically leap into the fray, swinging their sabers and boisterously singing a swashbuckling pirate song, and there are those who would rather have a root canal. An argument or fight with someone who is self-assertive, aggressive, or intimidating can send someone who is non-confrontational into an emotional death spiral of discomfort, self-doubt, and anger. Not all submissives react to confrontation in this way, but if you do, you just might be one.
Does the idea of having to make important decisions without assistance make you uncomfortable? In each of our lives, there will inevitably be critical decisions that have to be made about our finances, careers, relationships, quality of life, and similar matters. How often do you typically make those decisions alone? When you do, how comfortable are you about doing so? Or, do you seek out the advice and guidance of a trusted family member, friend or colleague? Remember, you’re not being asked whether or not you are capable of making decisions on your own. The question is how do you feel about it? If having the benefit of assistance or guidance from a trusted friend would make you feel much better about in making that critical decision, you just may be a submissive.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 4
