The Brat
No category of submissive has been more misunderstood, mischaracterized, nor been made the brunt of as many jokes, as the Brat submissive. A Brat is a submissive who is generally well-behaved, but has made misbehavior, teasing, and limited kinds of defiance or disobedience an integral part of her Dominant-submissive dynamic. Preferably, this occurs with the full awareness and at least the implied approval of her Dominant. When such is not the case, problems will invariably arise. There is term for submissives who conduct themselves as Brats without the approval of their Dominants. We call them phony submissives.
There is a widespread misconception in the D/s lifestyle that Brats are always well-behaved with their Dominants, and that it is only with other Dominants and submissives that they exhibit their inner brat. This ridiculous notion completely ignores the fact that it is the dynamic between the submissive and her Dominant that defines her. No submissive (nor Dominant, for that matter) is defined by how they treat everyone outside her relationship. If such were the case, categorizations would not only be impossible, but meaningless. This silly notion also requires us to believe that we can truly see what happens behind closed doors in someone else’s relationship dynamic, in order to say, “She behaves perfectly with her Dom, it is only with others that she is a brat.” Frankly, it defies credibility to believe that anyone could be challenging, rude, or disrespectful to everyone in the world except her Dominant. It is far more likely that the submissive’s bratty behavior is universal and whitewashed by a Dominant is complicit in it because prefers to keep his own inability to deal with it a secret. The internet abounds with web site tutorials for frustrated Dominants on “How to Train Your Bratty Submissive.” Unfortunately, most of them miss the point entirely and should, instead, be tutorials on “How to Spot and Avoid a Phony Submissive.”
On the other hand, if a Brat’s behavior is an integral and approved part of the relationship dynamic, then it becomes a delicate balancing act that must continually be tweaked and reevaluated by both the submissive and her Dominant. The very serious question of how much disobedience or disrespect is too much can only be answered by the individuals in that relationship, and will almost always raise questions about whether or not the submissive is “topping from the bottom.” Topping from the bottom is a technique used by some submissives to manipulate, control, or influence a Dominant’s decision-making process. It is quite often accomplished without the Dominant even being aware of it and, sometimes, without the submissive being conscious of it, either. It is my humble opinion that any submissive who routinely tops from the bottom should not be considered a true submissive. That isn’t to say she isn’t a good person. It just means she isn’t a submissive.
The Cow/Pig
The Cow or Pig submissive is one who enjoys being treated like a domesticated farm animal. Unlike the Pet submissive (see below), the Cow/Pig submissive thrives on humiliation, degradation, and abuse from her Dominant. For this reason, the Cow/Pig is usually most compatible with a Sadistic Dom. Often, the relationship dynamic between the two focuses on the real or imagined unattractiveness of the submissive, and frequent or extreme body modifications such as branding or scarification are fairly common for the Cow/Pig submissive. Cages, crates or pens are typically where the Cow/Pig submissive feels most comfortable. She may spend time in these enclosures for play-time only, or during select portions of the day, or even to sleep in. Cow/Pig submissives are rarely allowed to sit or lie on household furniture, and they are sometimes expected to eat table scraps or slop from a bowl or trough placed on the floor. Curiously enough, in spite of all the hoopla about the Cow/Pig submissive being unworthy, subhuman and ugly, her Dominant almost always somehow finds the intestinal fortitude to have sex with her. Go figure.
The Domestic
The Domestic submissive, sometimes referred to as a service submissive, is one who is expected to perform domestic duties in the Dominant’s household such as cooking, cleaning, childcare, chauffeuring, and yard work. More often than not, the Domestic sub is expected to be available sexually to the Dominant, his other submissives, or guests. In some relationships, humiliation role play is quite often a significant part of the dynamic. It is entirely possible, but relatively rare, for a Domestic submissive to be in a completely nonsexual D/s relationship. The Domestic sub may be involved with virtually any kind of Dominant; however, the most likely scenario is a relationship with a Sadistic Dom, FemDom, or Lesser God Dom.
The Kajira
A female Gorean slave is referred to as a kajira (plural: kajirae) which, in the fictional language of John Norman’s novels about the planet Gor, means “slave-girl.” While the great majority of Gorean slaves are female, there are some males who consider themselves to be Gorean slaves, and they are called kajirus (plural: kajiri). Another term that is sometimes used synonymously for kajira is sa-fora, which is said to mean “daughter of the chain.” (For an more in-depth examination of Gorean traditions, see Chapter 7: The Gorean Way.)
Kajirae, almost by definition, are typically involved in relationships with Gorean Masters, however it is fairly common to find submissives who consider themselves kajirae (or at the very least, trained as one) involved with other types of Dominants. The reason for this is actually quite simple. The Gorean D/s lifestyle is based on a work of science fiction, and can be difficult to implement in any practical way in a real-life setting. Consequently, there are many submissives who are initially attracted to the Gorean traditions because of the rich back-story, the many opportunities for fascinating role play, and its highly-stylized and erotic customs, only to find themselves seeking other facets of the D/s lifestyle once it becomes apparent that a real-life Gorean relationship can be hard – really hard.
Theoretically, kajirae do not have any rights, nor are they allowed to own any property. They are expected to render absolute obedience to their Masters, whether or not they harbor any affection or love for him. The penalties for disobedience are quite harsh and, at least in the novels, include the penalty of death. Kajirae may be sold, given away, or loaned out to others for sexual favors, and they may not refuse nor even voice disapproval of it. Kajirae are often expected to wear highly-stylized silks, bells and jewelry, and to learn a variety of dances, serving rituals, poses, and sexual positions. It is relatively common for kajirae to speak of themselves in the third person and to avoid direct eye contact with free persons, though there is some controversy regarding whether this is prescribed in the fiction or simply a custom that has become attached to the subculture.
Gorean philosophy teaches that there is a natural order of things, and that natural order includes the subordination of women by men. The role and status of women in the Gorean tradition can best be summed up by this proverb from John Norman’s writings: “There are only two sorts of women – slaves, and slaves.” If feminism and the empowerment of women are among your primary guiding principles, it’s a pretty fair bet that kajira training is just going to piss you off.
The Little
The Little, sometimes referred to as a Baby, Babygirl, Babyboy, Lolita, Loli, Lolly, Little Girl, Little One, or Tot, is a submissive who finds great joy in embracing her inner child. This sort of age play often involves behaving, speaking, dressing in a child-like manner, or engaging in typical child-appropriate activities, and may or may not involve sex or other adult-appropriate themes. While most Littles and their Daddy Doms find age play to be sexually stimulating, there are also many who simply find comfort in the simulated adult-child dynamic and do not associate it in any way with sex. As we stated in the previous chapter and reiterate here, anyone who associates the Daddy Dom/Little relationship dynamic with pedophilia in any form is buying into an erroneous and potentially harmful stereotype.
The degree to which a Little can actually be hard-wired in this way, as opposed to role-playing, is often the source of debate. The salient issue is rarely whether such a thing is possible, but whether or not it would be ethical to be involved in a relationshi
p with a Little, if it is. Fortunately, for almost everyone involved, the overwhelming majority of Littles are perfectly capable of slipping in and out of the role of innocent waif as needed and appropriate, both in and out of the bedroom. It is not at all unusual to see a lifestyle babygirl who, at the end of a long workday as a high-powered executive and an evening of helping her teenage kids with their homework, wants nothing more than to watch her favorite cartoons with her Daddy and to have a bedtime story read aloud to her as she drifts off to sleep.
It would be easy to assume that all Littles eventually end up in relationships with Daddy Doms or, at the very least, potential Daddy Doms, but such is not always the case. Since age play is typically frowned upon and shunned by the general population, Littles and Daddy Doms often learn to suppress or conceal their true orientation, which makes their quest for suitable life-partners who share their way of thinking far more complicated and difficult than it ought to be. It certainly doesn’t help that when most people outside of this lifestyle hear the words lolita or babygirl, their first thought is usually of a sexually abused under-aged girl, rather than a kinky middle-aged housewife with a pacifier in her mouth. Their practical need to stay under the radar has led to the exponential growth of online venues where real-life Littles and Daddy Doms are able to meet, mingle and develop relationships.
One of the down-sides of Daddy Dom/Little relationships is the unfortunate fact that they reward childish behavior. Because the dynamic can mask naiveté and places more emphasis on cuteness than common sense, these online venues also tend to attract people who are actually mind-numbingly immature or under-aged. Imagine how you might feel to learn that your exciting new online friend, who just happens to be awfully good at playing the role of a naughty twelve-year-old, isn’t acting. This, my friend, is what nightmares are made of.
The Novice
The category of Novice covers a lot of ground, but it should suffice to say that the Novice submissive is typically a person who has very recently discovered and become excited about the D/s or BDSM lifestyle, and has decided that she badly wants to be a part of it. The problem is, it usually isn’t simply a matter of badly wanting to be a part of it, but of badly going about it, as well. This often involves a frenzied quest to find a Master - any Master - and to have that accomplished by dinner time. This condition is often referred to as sub frenzy, which we discuss at greater length elsewhere in this book. As one might expect, the Novice submissive’s efforts usually end in miserable failure but, occasionally, she is unexpectedly presented with the worst possible outcome: success.
When that happens, the Novice is usually hastily collared by an inexperienced or phony Dominant, used and abused physically, emotionally, and sexually, and then unceremoniously dumped like yesterday’s Chinese take-out. The Novice’s first collar typically lasts about as long as it takes the so-called Dominant to reach an orgasm or, conversely, to learn that it isn’t going to happen. Sometimes, the collar will just fade away in a muddled fog of uncertainly over the following days or weeks as the hapless Novice struggles to figure out what went wrong and whether or not she still has a Dominant. Nevertheless, the undeterred Novice usually sets out again to do it all over again, ad nauseum, again and again, and again.
It should come as no surprise that the Novice submissive has a very high likelihood of eventually becoming someone who passionately believes that BDSM is for losers. After all, she has nothing but her own pathetic experiences upon which to base her judgment. This makes me sad. So, how does someone successfully navigate the treacherous path from Novice to true submissive? There is no clear and definitive road map that is guaranteed to help you find your way, but there are three principles which I believe can make that journey safer, quicker, and tremendously more fulfilling.
The first is quite simply this: Time is your friend. Don’t be in such a hurry to find, submit, or commit to a Dominant. He isn’t a carton of milk. There’s no expiration date stamped on his ass. He’ll still be there tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. If it is meant to be, then a few days or weeks won’t make much difference in the grand scheme of things. It’s often tempting - even irresistible - to leap into a relationship while your endorphins are pumping and your heart is racing. But it is also almost always going to be a mistake. Take your time.
The second principle would be: Consider a collar, if one is involved, as symbolic of your mutual commitment. (We’ll discuss collars in greater depth in Chapter 5: The Collar.) At the very least, before entering into any D/s relationship, ask yourself and/or the prospective Dominant the following questions: What, exactly, is the nature of the commitment I am making here? What are your obligations to me? Am I an equal partner, unequal partner, or property? What happens if either of us fails to live up to these commitments? How have you handled these issues in the past? Are you any good at this? There’s nothing disrespectful or inappropriate about any of these question. Don’t be afraid to ask. Trust me on this. The time to learn the answers to these questions is before you wear the collar, not after.
The third principle is crucial, and often much more difficult than the first two. Here it is, in a nutshell: If you have serious trust issues, don’t bother. Don’t even think about jumping into a D/s relationship. The bedrock and foundation of every D/s relationship is trust. Entering into or even considering a D/s relationship knowing that you cannot trust is a little like skydiving without a parachute. It may start out great, but it doesn’t end well.
The Painslut
The Painslut is typically an extreme masochist, which is someone who enjoys or is aroused by sensations of intense or extreme pain. While masochists can and do exist in every other major category of submissive, Painsluts rate their own category in the pantheon of submission for one simple reason. The Painslut’s primary interest, attraction, and fetish is pain – pure and simple, completely unadulterated, and in heaping quantities. Many of the masochists in the other categories view pain as a wonderful thing, but they typically value pain on a par with the other good things in a relationship. The Painslut goes well beyond seeing pain as a good thing. For the Painslut, it is usually the best thing and, sometimes, the only thing. The inclusion of the suffix slut is not incidental, by the way. Painsluts are often known as much for their sexual promiscuity as they are for their extreme brand of masochism.
The Pet
A Pet submissive is one who assumes the role of a cherished animal companion to her Dominant, who typically role plays the part of owner, caretaker, trainer, breeder, or rider. Pet submissives typically are able to slip in and out of character as needed in order to deal with the mundane aspects of their vanilla lives. In some cases, Pet submissives attempt to stay in character 24/7, which is what takes their role play from being a mere kink to being a full-blown lifestyle.
The animal roles chosen by Pet submissives generally fall into three major categories: kittens, puppies, and ponies. Kitten play allows the submissive to demonstrate feline characteristics, seductive mannerisms, and perhaps even a streak of independence. Puppy play is more often than not characterized by eager devotion, playfulness, mischievousness, collars and leashes. Pony submissives typically fall into three categories themselves: cart ponies, riding ponies, and show ponies. Cart ponies pull a small cart called a sulky, which carries her owner. Riding ponies prefer to be ridden directly, either while on all fours, or standing with the rider on her back or shoulders. Since this can be problematic due to the rider’s weight, it is often simulated. Show ponies are all about the dressage, and often wear very elaborate plumes, braids, harnesses, bridles, and other decorative items.
A Pet submissive who assumes the roles of multiple types of pets is sometimes known as a hybrid. It should also be noted that pet play is also sometimes used by submissive-leaning switches to try out roles where disobedience is expected and tolerated, such as the role of a disobedient puppy. Another point worth noting is the fact that Pet play is frequently a Novice submissive’s first real exposure to the D/s dynam
ic due to its low level of complexity and the relative ease with which one can keep things on a non-sexual level. It is relatively common among teenagers in online chat venues to be involved in pet play, either as furries, or in other forms of role play. Parents of very young teens who are furries just might want to ask themselves, “Who’s stroking that kitty?”
The Pseudo-sub
We mercilessly skewered the poor Tin Pot Dominant in the previous chapter, so I suppose it is only fair that we devote equal time and disparagement to pseudo-submissives. Frankly, I am often seriously conflicted on this particular topic. After all, I truly do believe that it is ultimately the responsibility of the Dominant to recognize these traits in any potential partner who may honestly and naively believe that she really is a submissive. If he is sufficiently skilled or at least lucky enough to recognize the warning signs, he can then make informed decisions about their options and any potential relationship. His options may include abandoning any attempt to forge a relationship, accepting her as she is in a non-D/s relationship dynamic, or attempting to train her as a submissive.
Learning that your potential partner is a pseudo-submissive can be a rather messy and incredibly painful process for everyone concerned. Typically, the pseudo-sub is someone who may be fairly new to the lifestyle and doesn’t quite understand that just because she is a rope-bunny, spankophile, masochist, or bottom, that this doesn’t necessarily make her a submissive. She usually isn’t trying to deceive anyone; it’s all simply the unfortunate but predictable result of erroneously assuming that because she is a bottom, she must also be a submissive.
It really is an honest and easy mistake to make, which makes it very hard to fault someone for making it. On the other hand, these very same sweet yet naively deluded pseudo-submissives have sometimes been known to go just a little bit postal when their Dominants suggest that perhaps some training might be in order. I’m guessing that it’s probably that whole enraged-psychotic-subbie-with-a-kitchen-knife reaction that is the source of my mixed emotions on this topic.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 6
