Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  I started making plans for what would be our first meeting. Once we agreed upon a date, I got approved for two weeks of leave. On the first day of my leave, I drove two hours to Frankfurt’s Rhein-Main Air Force Base (which today no longer exists) and hopped aboard an Air Force C-5A Galaxy headed for McChord Air Force Base (now known as Joint Base Lewis-McChord) which is near Tacoma, Washington. The flight, which was 5200 miles as the crow flies but not, apparently, as the Air Force flies was mind-numbingly long and excruciatingly uncomfortable.

  I arrived in Washington State at mid-day, and took a taxi to my hotel in the center of the city. From the hotel room, I called Sensual (who lived fifteen minutes away) to let her know that I had arrived, and to inform her where I was staying. I explained that I needed a shower and a short nap, but would meet her for dinner downstairs, in the hotel’s very nice restaurant at 7 PM. We lingered for another thirty minutes on the phone like the star-struck lovers we were, tittering in complete and utter disbelief at the notion that we were finally about to meet each other in real life. We had talked about this for months, and now it was really about to happen.

  At the appointed hour, I went downstairs to the restaurant, where I lingered in the waiting area for twenty minutes before finally agreeing to be seated at a table. I told the waiter that I was expecting someone, and he responded a sly grin and a wink. It was an intimate little place, so I was fairly certain that I’d be able to spot her as soon as she arrived. Today, just about everyone has a cell phone, so it’s hard to imagine just sitting alone in a restaurant for an hour waiting - hoping - that someone shows up, without trying to do something about it. But this was before cell phones were commonly available; there wasn’t a whole lot I could do, other than drop a quarter into the lobby pay phone in an attempt to call her, which I eventually did. There was no answer, which only served to give me false hope that perhaps she’d been delayed, and was now on her way. Finally, after almost ninety minutes of waiting, I gave up hope and ordered a meal, which I consumed alone as I juggled equal portions of anger, concern and gloom.

  I went back to my hotel room, frustrated and angry, and attempted to call her again. This time the phone was answered, and on the other end of the line, she was sobbing. My anger instantly melted away as she tearfully told me about driving to the hotel and experiencing a debilitating anxiety attack which made it impossible for her to get out of the car. After sitting in her vehicle in front of the hotel for close to an hour, she then circled the block several times before finally just returning home. She begged for my forgiveness, and promised to see me after she got off work the following day. Thinking that perhaps meeting in a hotel might have contributed to her anxiety, I suggested meeting at 7 PM at a nearby Irish pub which had caught my eye along the route from the airport to the hotel. She said she knew the place, and promised to be there without fail. I was cautiously hopeful once again.

  I spent most of the day meandering through this strange new city, exploring its nooks and crannies and taking in the sights at its quaint, bustling harbor. As the sun sank into the sea, I treated myself to a light but tasty dinner at the Oyster House as I watched the fishing boats returning for the evening. I went back to my hotel to shower and prepare to go out again. As a final precaution, I called Sensual to confirm the time and place of our meeting, and to verify that she still intended to be there. “I’ll be there, my Love,” she assured me, “with bells on!” I smiled, and my cautious optimism took an immediate turn towards buoyant expectation.

  The Irish pub was, in a word, amazing. It oozed with Gaelic charm, boasting a huge selection of Irish brews, friendly barmaids, and even a talented musical trio that played lively Irish tunes throughout the evening. It might have been the perfect evening, if only my date had shown up. Fortunately, the cheery music and their selection of superb beers were sufficiently good to keep me from wallowing in self-pity for very long. Some five hours later, I staggered back to my hotel in a pretty decent mood, considering the fact that I’d used up my vacation time, spent a great deal of money, and flown over five thousand miles to be stood up, not just once, but twice by the same woman.

  When I opened the door to my hotel room, the telephone was ringing. I answered, and once again, she was sobbing. This time around, I was far less inclined to be as sympathetic as I had been the previous evening. I knew better than to attempt to have any kind of a coherent conversation with her while I was both highly annoyed and drunk, so I stopped her in mid-explanation. I said, “Hush. Obviously, this trip was a huge mistake. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, but I’m done here. I’ll be flying out tomorrow on the 2 PM flight to Germany. Have a nice life.” Click.

  The following day, I checked out of the hotel and made my way back to the passenger terminal at McChord Air Force Base to check in for my return flight to Germany. I still had a few hours to kill before boarding time, and spent much of it in quiet contemplation of my own incredible stupidity. Eventually, an announcement was made that it was time to board the aircraft. I gathered my things, stuffed them into my carry-on bag and stood up, only to suddenly find myself standing face-to-face with the very woman I’d flown so far to meet. We stood like that, silently looking into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity before either of us uttered a single word.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “Hi,” I replied. I floundered for something remotely intelligent to say, but all I could seem to manage was, “You’re... beautiful!” I took her hands in mine.

  She blushed crimson red and dropped her eyes for a moment. She said, “I... was so afraid... that you would be disappointed with me. It paralyzed me. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I do love you.”

  I nodded. I told her, “I love you too.”

  A long and awkward silenced followed, during which neither of us knew what to say next. The final call for boarding was announced and I said, “I really have to go now.”

  She nodded. We kissed. I flew away. We never spoke again.

  The Serendipitous First Meeting

  The serendipitous first meeting is one that occurs without any prior thought or planning. That isn’t to say that you may not have wanted it to happen; it just means that you didn’t expect it to happen, or at the very least, you didn’t expect it to happen when, where or how it happened. Frankly, this is a pretty rare occurrence. It happens so rarely, in fact, that it almost never fails to arouse someone’s suspicion that it may not have been as random as it appears at first blush. Nevertheless, these things do happen, typically when the two individuals live in the same region or have the same circle of friends and associates. People who are part of the BDSM lifestyle tend to be a fairly small and insular group, even if it happens to be spread over a large geographical area. It isn’t uncommon, therefore, to attend a lifestyle social or fetish event and serendipitously run into people there whom you’ve been dying to meet for quite some time. When you do, be sure to tell them that you’ve always wanted to meet them; even if they are rock-stars. It’ll probably make their day.

  If a serendipitous first meeting happens to you, you should treat it like the priceless gift that it truly is. After all, it isn’t every day that you get to meet someone whom you’ve always wanted to meet, without having to put any real effort into making it happen, or even having to go through the pre-meeting anxieties that you’d typically have to endure. You need to decide fairly quickly whether you want to see this person again and, if so, how best to make it happen. This may turn out to be your one and only chance to not only make a good impression, but to lay the groundwork for a second meeting that is planned, rather than accidental, and better suited to getting further acquainted.

  The Acquainting First Meeting

  The acquainting first meeting is one that occurs when two people decide to meet in order to simply get to know one another a little better. It’s one way of saying I don’t know you, and I’m not even sure I want to know you, but I’m certainly willing to meet you to explore the possibility. The nice thing
about the acquainting first meeting is expectations are typically kept low or nonexistent and, consequently, it usually isn’t terribly hard to exceed them. This can be a very good thing for people whose anxieties are rooted in a fear of having to live up to someone else’s expectations.

  When it comes to the acquainting first meeting, it is important to remember that you don’t really know anything about the person whom you are about to meet for the first time. That means if you happen to be considering a get-together of this sort, the safety precautions on the following pages are especially for you. True, the odds of that person being a psychopath are extremely low but, then again, you’ve probably bought lottery tickets on slimmer chances of winning. Think about that.

  The keys to a executing a successful acquainting meeting are: keeping expectations realistic, avoiding misunderstandings, staying safe (which we’ll discuss at length later in this chapter), having fun, and having a plan for success as well as failure. Keeping expectations realistic and avoiding misunderstandings go hand-in-hand. To that end, it may sometimes be necessary to explicitly spell things out for the person you’re about to meet by saying, “I just want to be sure that we both understand that this is just lunch. No pressure. It’s not a hook-up.” The discomfort of having to say such a thing prior to the meeting is minimal compared to the discomfort you could feel later if it turns out that the two of you had differing notions concerning the purpose of the meeting.

  You might think that the notion of having fun at this initial meeting would be something of a no-brainer. Unfortunately, it is often easier said than done. You should choose a vanilla venue that allows you to focus your attentions on one another or gives you something fun to do together. It is also usually a good idea to avoid fetish lifestyle events as a place to get acquainted, particularly if you don’t really know what preconceptions your new friend may be bringing to the table. In the unlikely event that your first meeting doesn’t go as swimmingly as you hope, it’s probably a fair bet that having your entire munch group there to witness it isn’t going to make you feel any better about it. Do yourself and your kinkster friends the favor of arranging this meeting elsewhere. It’s also advisable to avoid venues that might force you to devote your attention and energy to distractions or other people. Generally speaking, you will probably be able to learn a lot more about each other over beer and pizza than you will sitting in the dark at your local movie theater.

  Having fun often depends as much on the topics of discussion as the venue and activities. It is often all too easy for some people to forget that no one enjoys having to endure an unending stream of negative or depressing discussion on topics such as divorce, abuse, mental illness, medical problems, anger issues or self-destructive behavior. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with mentioning such things but, if at the end of your first meeting you realize that it’s all you talked about, it’s probably not a good portent of things to come. Your chances of a second meeting with your new friend are directly proportional to the number of times the two of you laugh and smile during this one.

  The final key to success when it comes to acquainting first meetings consists of having contingency plans for both success and failure. You should already know, before this meeting, what the next step should be, regardless of the outcome. If, by the end of this meeting, you discover that you have absolutely no interest in seeing this person again, it’s always a good thing to have a way to tactfully say so ready for deployment. Having to come up with something on-the-fly rarely turns out well. The best way to say, “Gee, I’d love to see you again,” is not “Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye!”

  It definitely helps to have at least some notion of what might constitute a fun second date ready to toss out when the time is right.

  The Hook-up First Meeting

  The hook-up first meeting consists of meeting someone for the first time for the primary purpose of having a sexual encounter, which may or may not include BDSM activities. For a wide variety of reasons, most of which should be fairly obvious to anyone old enough to be reading this book, this kind of first encounter is almost always a bad idea. Nevertheless, they happen in this lifestyle, and it would be exceptionally foolish to pretend that they don’t. If you are considering meeting someone for the first time for a sexual hook-up, I would frankly advise you to reconsider. Failing that, I would then advise you to take plenty of safety precautions and to keep your expectations realistic.

  Unrealistic expectations are hard enough to manage in any first meeting. Just think of it as a giant, lickalicious double-decker ice cream cone. Adding a big scoop of sex to the already towering treat may seem like an exciting idea, but it comes at the price of making your cone increasingly difficult to manage. You might even be irresistibly tempted to top those three scoops off with an additional dollop of whipped BDSM and sex-toy sprinkles. That’s usually when it all topples over into a gooey mess on the pavement and you’re left holding an empty waffle cone.

  You would be well-advised to take things slowly. Don’t expect to be able to live out all of your fantasies in a couple of hours, or even over the course of just a few days. Allot yourselves plenty of time to feel your way through the process of getting comfortable with one another socially, physically, intimately and kinkily, even if you think you already know each other better than you’ve ever known anyone.

  There are always surprises.

  You should probably grab a highlighter right now and highlight the crap out of that last sentence.

  The Transitional First Meeting

  A transitional first meeting is one that is planned for the express purpose of taking an online relationship to the next level. It doesn’t necessarily mean that a 24-7 life together under the same roof is about to commence immediately but, for many, it does constitute a necessary first step towards that goal. It is an acknowledgment that the nature of the relationship is about to change, and that you are both willing to accept a greater degree of risk in hopes of reaping greater rewards as a result.

  A true transitional first meeting assumes that you already know each other quite well, and that you have discussed your mutual goals and possible plans for the future. Despite the fact that you are already well-acquainted and have a foundational relationship from which to work, your expectations for a meeting like this still need to be managed. The odds may be skewed more to your favor as a result of your preparation, but there is still a lot that can go wrong, particularly if you are expecting it to be all rainbows and unicorns.

  Much of what we said earlier regarding hook-up first meetings applies equally to transitional first meetings. Be sure to give yourselves plenty of time to get comfortable with each other on a variety of levels, and expect to hit a few bumps in the road. Surprises, when they are met with the proper attitude and some degree of preparation, don’t necessarily have to turn into show-stoppers. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have a back-up plan ready, just in case things don’t go according to the script.

  Take, for example, the disheartening case of William and Suzanne, who meticulously planned their first week together so extensively and exclusively around the mind-blowing kinky sex that was supposed to occur, that when they hit their first minor bump in the road, it mushroomed to the height of Mount Everest. The two had been friends in high school, but had never actually dated and, during their college years, they lost touch completely. Twenty years later and newly divorced, Suzanne was contemplating a return to the dating scene when she got the notion of reconnecting with William. She did, and was thrilled to learn that he was still single. They lived 1500 miles apart, but that didn’t discourage the torrid online romance that blossomed quickly between them in the next few months.

  It was decided that they should meet. True, it wasn’t technically their first meeting, since they had known each other in high school, but that was over twenty-five years ago and, for all intents and purposes, they had each matured into different people now. Suzanne made plans to fly from Texas, where she lived, to Florida, where sh
e would spend an entire, glorious week with William at his beachfront home. As the date grew nearer, their anticipation and expectations grew exponentially with each passing hour.

  Finally, the much awaited day arrived, and Suzanne stepped off a plane and leaped joyously into William’s waiting embrace. They raced back to the house where, unfortunately, the mounting anticipation, stress and performance anxiety all combined to create a perfect storm of erectile dysfunction for William. As acutely embarrassing as that must have been for him, it was further compounded when Suzanne interpreted it as a confirmation of her worst fears - that she was a disappointment to him.

  The next six days were agonizingly awkward and uncomfortable for the two of them. Neither was particularly interested in making another attempt at intimacy; they each just wanted the week to be over, so they could put this experience behind them. It had simply never occurred to either of them that actual events might deviate from the script in their heads. Sadly, their relationship never recovered from this blow. After Suzanne returned home to Texas, there were a few chats and phone calls, but they slowed to a trickle and then eventually stopped altogether. They are now back where they started; no longer in touch.

  If there is one lesson to be learned from their story, it should be that it wasn’t a case of erectile dysfunction that waylaid their plans; it was the emotional reactions based on their deep-seated insecurities and fears that magnified what should have been a simple speed-bump into a mountain. I typically refer to a minor mishap like this one as a speed bump for a reason. If you are prepared for it and drive across it slowly and deliberately, it’s not a problem at all.

  Hit it at fifty miles per hour, and it could just screw up your whole week.