Just knowing that you’re late returning from your encounter or missing altogether may not be enough to assist the police in finding you or in figuring out what might have happened to you. If you prefer not to entrust a friend or family member with the details of your plan or with any information about your new friend, you can still leave a bonanza of information in a sealed envelope somewhere in your home or office where it will be found, in the event that you disappear. Another novel approach might be to mail the envelope to yourself. While it might be tempting to simply leave something like that locked in your vehicle, you should be mindful of the fact that anyone who might be holding you captive will also have the keys to your home and car, and all of the information contained in your wallet or purse.
Leave a Paper-trail
When police investigators begin reconstructing the events surrounding a possible disappearance, one of the first things they look for is any evidence of a paper trail. By that, we mean such things as bank deposits or withdrawals, credit card receipts, and even records of phone calls or texts. One way to leave a trail of bread crumbs that will be easy to follow is to use a debit or credit card, if at all possible, to make some sort of a purchase during your meeting. Even the simple act of placing a call from your cell phone can help police investigators to pinpoint your last known location.
Have a Backup Plan
It isn’t enough to simply know that your well-laid plans may not come to fruition; you need to have a back-up plan that can be implemented when things go seriously awry. Not all of the John Edward Robinson’s victims ended up being murdered. At least two women travelled separately to Kansas to meet Robinson in a hotel room, where they were bound, brutally raped, severely battered, photographed against their will, robbed of their money and belongings, and then abandoned for several days with no cash and no way home.
In each instance, Robinson returned to the hotel room several days later and gave the women a small amount of cash so they could return home, and gave them instructions to put all their belongings in storage and return to Kansas. Incredibly, one of the women actually did so, only to have him repeat his earlier performance, which caused her to contact the police. How either of them avoided being brutally murdered by this man is a mystery, but it may have been due to the fact that each had left a trail of breadcrumbs that led right to him, and he knew it.
Your back-up plan doesn’t necessarily have to be the answer to, “What should I do if my date turns out to be an axe-murder?” Your back-up plan simply needs to be there for you in the event that anything unexpected or inconvenient happens. Your back-up plan should, at the very least, include knowing some important phone numbers and having ready access to emergency cash.
Most of us have gotten so used to being able to store important phone numbers in our cell phones, that we rarely memorize even our most commonly called numbers, anymore. How many of us would know how to contact our friends or extended family members if our cell phones were lost or taken away from us? If you have a poor memory for such things, you might want to secrete a few important phone numbers somewhere that would be accessible and available to you in any emergency. While in the military, I actually knew a few people who had important numbers unobtrusively tattooed somewhere on their bodies.
Learning how to get ready access to emergency cash if your wallet or purse is lost or stolen can be exceedingly difficult, but it is possible. Some banks, for example, have pre-scanned your identification into their computer system and so may not require you to show ID in order to conduct a financial transaction. Tellers are able to just pull it up on their computer monitors. Find out if your bank has a similar system. Many credit card issuers have special programs that are designed to help you out in the event that your wallet and credit cards are stolen. Give this problem some thought before it becomes an emergency.
Have Someone Check On You
Having someone check on you is critical. By having a friend or associate place a phone call to you at some point during your meeting, you greatly increase the odds that (1) you’ll be missed, should you disappear, (2) you’ll get timely assistance, if you need it and (3) the person you’re meeting will realize that there is someone out there watching out for you. This knowledge could make him think twice about any plans to harm you.
Your arrangement of a safety check phone call should also include plans for what is commonly referred to as a “duress signal.” A duress signal is a code-word that only you and your friend know, which tells your friend that she should immediately contact the police. Duress signals are designed to be used when someone is forcing you to lie and claim that everything is okay. To arrange a safety check and duress signal, simply tell a friend, “I’m meeting someone for the first time this evening. Would you please do me a huge favor and call my cell phone at around 7 PM? If I say anything about my dog, then you know you should call the police, since we both know I don’t own a dog.”
If you are not fortunate enough to have a friend or family member who can be trusted to check on you with a phone call, the next best thing is to simulate one. This can be accomplished in a number of ways. Perhaps the easiest, if you have a smartphone, is to download and use a free application that simulates receiving a phone call, often complete with a phony caller ID. These applications are typically used as pranks or to give busy people a plausible reason to bail out of a boring meeting, but it can also be used to create the illusion that someone is checking up on you. That, in turn, could save your life someday.
Another way to create the illusion of receiving a check-up phone call is to use your smartphone to call yourself from an internet phone service such as Skype, AOL, Yahoo, or Google-Talk. Most of these services have the option to make calls to a landline or cell phone, and though those options may not always be free, they usually cost just a few cents per call.
There are also a lot of web sites where you can register to receive free wake-up calls. They are designed primarily for people who are traveling and want to be awakened to catch a flight, or to make an early meeting, but they work just as well when you are wide awake and simply need your phone to ring at a specified time. To learn more about these services, just Google “wake up calls.”
There’s another thing you really should know about your safety and phone calls. Depending on where you are, and your particular service provider, calling 911 from a cell phone may not always work the way it would if you were calling from a landline. FCC regulations require that all wireless carriers transmit mobile 911 calls to "a Public Safety Answering Point” (PSAP), but doesn’t require that the agency be local or even associated with emergency services. Additionally, calling 911 from a landline typically provides the dispatcher with your exact location; calling 911 from a mobile phone provides them only with the location of the nearest cell phone tower. What that means is you need to know how to tell an emergency dispatcher where you are by providing an address, landmarks, or street intersections.
Finally, if you’ll be traveling to another city for your first meeting, use Google to find the phone number for the local police dispatcher there, and program that number into your phone for quick reference.
Be Willing to Make a Fool of Yourself
There is a rule of thumb that I’ve tried to follow for most of my life, ever since reading an article about what it takes to survive crimes, accidents, and disasters. The article examined the differences between the people who survived life-threatening situations, such as muggings or plane crashes, and those who didn’t survive. Somewhat surprisingly, the critical difference between the survivors and those who didn’t survive turned out to be a willingness to react as if their lives depended upon it. In other words, the people who were more concerned with staying alive than they were with looking foolish tended to be the people who lived to talk about it. Consequently, my rule of thumb became: When in doubt or in possible danger, be willing to make a fool of yourself.
Trust your gut. Do whatever it takes to secure your safety. Don’t agree to anythi
ng that doesn’t feel right to you, no matter how much you may want to avoid being embarrassed or embarrassing the other person. Don’t worry about looking foolish, or about making a scene. The attention you draw just might determine whether you live or die. When your instincts tell you that you are in danger, do the unexpected. Make some noise. Fight back. Throw something through a window. Disable your vehicle or strike another vehicle with your car if you’re being forced to drive somewhere. If you want to increase your odds of surviving a life-threatening situation, then you need to be willing to put up a fight or, at the very least, call some attention to yourself. Looking foolish should be the least of your worries, at that point. No one ever really ever dies of embarrassment.
An Ounce of Insurance
No, you’re not going to find an actual insurance policy that covers first meetings that go horribly wrong. You can, however, get a great deal more mileage out of some of the other safety precautions you’ve taken, if the person you’re meeting is aware that you’re taking precautions. You definitely don’t want to reveal the details of every safety precaution planned, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with casually informing your new friend that you are taking some. If your new friend truly has your best interests at heart, he will be glad that you’re taking a smart and cautious approach. On the other hand, if he was hoping you’d be an easy target, he now knows otherwise. Think of it as a final bit of insurance that helps to prevent bad things from happening.
After The Meeting
After the meeting, assuming you both survived and perhaps even had a great time, you’ll probably have some decisions to make. The first should be coming to a mutual understanding, if not agreement, in answering the question, “What just happened?” It can be awfully easy to simply assume that because you had a great time that your partner did too, or that because it seemed obvious to you that the two of you didn’t click, that it was just as obvious to your partner.
Differing perspectives, needs, and desires sometimes have a way of spawning completely different interpretations of the same events. The key to doing this successfully is to be frank and to avoid simply telling your partner what he or she wants to hear. Considering the fact that what you say now could end up being the foundation of your future real-life relationship, this is definitely not a good time to start sugar-coating the truth.
If you are able to come to some measure of mutual understanding about what just happened, the next logical step is to figure out what it means. For some people, a successful meeting might mean that everything changes. For some, it may be interpreted as a signal that you’ve crossed a significant threshold in the development of your relationship. Still others may feel that nothing has changed as a result. Don’t allow the success of your meeting lead to a misunderstanding that could undermine your relationship. Conversely, if the meeting wasn’t successful, it probably won’t be hard to figure out what that means.
You should also be aware of a well-documented psychological phenomenon called “buyer’s remorse.” It typically occurs after someone has made a major purchase, and then immediately begins to wonder if he made the right choice. He worries that he could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere, whether it’s the right model, color or size, and about whether or not he can really afford it. In short, the buyer is quite simply overwhelmed with doubts about the wisdom of his decision. The very same thing can happen after even the most successful first meeting. If it happens to you or to your partner, don’t panic. It’s perfectly normal. This storm of self-doubt usually passes relatively quickly and, until it does, you should try to avoid making any rash decisions.
A successful first meeting really can be the first major milestone in a long and fulfilling D/s relationship, as long as expectations and events are properly managed, safety precautions are taken, and you have a mutual understanding of where you want your relationship to go from there.
May all your first meetings be great ones!
My Two Cents on First Meetings
“Scrabble?” Dee was struggling to contain her incredulity. “You want me to bring a Scrabble game to our first real-life meeting? Don’t get me wrong, Master... I really do love playing Scrabble with you, but... seriously?”
I nodded toward the webcam and monitor that connected us across the 1500 miles that separated us. “Seriously,” I replied. I could see that she was fighting an almost irresistible urge to ask why, but her training vanquished the impulse, and she responded with a simple, “Yes, Master.”
Three days later, I was on a flight from Texas to North Carolina to meet Dee for the very first time. We’d met online, and in the course of the following six months, developed an open and trusting D/s relationship. Now, it was time to take the next step – to see whether our online chemistry would be able to survive the transition to the real world. During a flight layover in Atlanta, I texted, “Wear a nice little sundress, without panties. Bring a bottle of your favorite wine. Once I get there, I’ll call you to give you the name of the hotel and room number.”
“Yes, Master,” came her reply.
After the final leg of my flight and a short taxi ride, I was finally at my hotel. I dropped my luggage, and made the call. “I’m at the Holiday Inn, room 216. The phone number to the room is (555) 626-0216. Write that information down, and make an additional copy. One copy, you should bring with you, and the other, you should leave on your kitchen table before you leave the house.
I also want you to tell a trusted friend that you’re meeting someone for the first time, and you’d like her to call your cell later this evening. Arrange a code word that only you two will know; something that means, “Help, I’m in trouble, call the police.” Please do not tell me what that code word is.”
“Is all that really necessary, Master?” she asked. “I trust you. I know you would never do anything to hurt me.” I told her yes, it was absolutely necessary.
“Be here at 5 PM. Oh, and by the way,” I added, “I’d like to try something that I think will be fun. There will be no speaking for our first hour together. Not one word. Think you can do that?” She chuckled, as if to say, only you could come up with something as crazy as that. Instead, she simply replied, “Yes, Master. I think I can do that.”
Three days later, as we lay entangled in the sheets of the bed, Dee propped herself up on one elbow and asked, “Master, what made you decide that we should spend our first hour together playing charades?” I laughed and said, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I really hate worrying about what to say when I meet someone for the first time. So I figured, let’s just not say anything at all!”
She giggled at that, then said, “And you told me to bring Scrabble, but we never played!”
I nodded. “Oh, that,” I replied, “Actually, I never intended for us to play any Scrabble. That was just your security blanket. I knew you loved Scrabble, so I made it your imaginary emergency back-up plan. It gave you confidence, and allowed you to believe that the worst that could happen is we could end up enjoying a few days together playing Scrabble.”
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas, with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
- - Bernard Manning
Chapter 9: BDSM Toys & Safety
Typically, when most people think of BDSM, the first things that come to mind are the awesome toys. There is an infinite variety of implements that can be used in the many different kinds of BDSM play, with new concepts, designs and technology being added every day. In this chapter, we’ll examine some of the basic types and examples of BDSM toys, equipment and furnishings, and discuss how they can be used safely.
Toy Tips
There are a few things that I think are important to touch upon before we get too wrapped up (pun semi-intended) in our examination of the joys of kinky toys. The first would be this one: As exciting and wonderful as these toys can be, they can’t replace the human touch and they are piss-poor substitutes for real relationships. Perhaps my personal bias towards meaningful D/s rel
ationships is showing here, but I truly believe that, ideally, these toys and their related activities are best enjoyed with someone you love. If that isn’t possible, the next best thing is to enjoy them with a good friend. I’m not saying you shouldn’t or wouldn’t enjoy using them with strangers; I’m just telling you where you’ll get the best bang for your buck.
The second tip I’d like to give you is this: Avoid becoming so focused on your toys that you begin to see people as accessories. A person with a healthy perspective thinks, “I love being with my girl; I can’t wait to try out some of these news toys with her!” Conversely, someone with a toy-focused perspective thinks, “I love my new violet wand; I can’t wait to try it out on whomever.” It is, of course, perfectly natural to be excited about your new toys. But do try to remember that your toys should exist to please your partner; your partners don’t exist to justify your toys.
The third word of advice concerns an unfortunate tendency among many in the BDSM lifestyle to equate sophisticated or expensive fetish equipment with experience and judgment. It’s natural to believe that because people have the latest gadgets or top of the line fetish equipment, that they know what they’re doing. But that isn’t always the case. Be careful about assuming anything about potential play partners based simply on their toys. They may not have a clue. It is not uncommon for some people - typically people who have more money than common sense and who are relatively new to BDSM - to attempt to purchase credibility through their toys and equipment. They may not have any experience to speak of, but at least they can boast that they have the best toys in town. Just as some vanilla folks may use expensive cars and fine jewelry to bolster or flaunt their social status, there are a few BDSM folks who do the same with fetish toys and equipment. Owning a Rolls Royce doesn’t necessarily make someone a good driver, and owning cool or expensive BDSM gear doesn’t necessarily make him a good Top, either.
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook Page 21
