Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Fourth, and finally, you should understand the need to fluid bond certain types of fetish toys to specific individuals. Fluid bonding is the practice of ensuring that toys or equipment which come into contact with bodily fluids are reserved for the exclusive use of a single person, and no one else. Most of us instinctively understand this concept when it comes to things that are designed to come into contact with bodily fluids, such as vibrators, dildos and butt plugs. But how many of us can truly say that we know where a flogger, or riding crop, or even a length of rope has been? The problem is further complicated by the fact that porous materials, such as leather, wood and hemp, can be practically impossible to sanitize effectively.

  This leaves us with two unpalatable options; one of them outrageously expensive, and the other absurdly unrealistic. The first option is to always assume that toys will come into contact with bodily fluids and to fluid bond certain toys to certain individuals. The logical consequence of this is you’ll end up purchasing new equipment each time you play with a new partner, which can quickly get prohibitively expensive. The other option involves going to ridiculous lengths to ensure that your equipment doesn’t ever come into contact with anyone’s bodily fluids, under any circumstances. The only conceivable way to accomplish such a thing would be to play only with fully-clothed individuals. I don’t know about you, but the realistic odds of that being my plan are pretty low.

  So, what do most people do, when faced with these two dreadful choices? Most simply do a little of each, picking and choosing which toys will become fluid bonded and which will not, and taking extra care with the non-bonded toys to avoid bodily fluids of any kind, or to sanitize them as best they can when it becomes unavoidable. Is it a perfect solution? Not by a long shot. But for most, it’s the only practical one.

  Types of BDSM Toys & Equipment

  We could easily fill several volumes discussing the many different kinds of BDSM toys that are available and how they can be used to best effect. Every day, new and exciting items are introduced, and it can be an exhausting task just trying to keep up with the latest technology and lifestyle trends. What follows is an admittedly cursory treatment, intended only to introduce the novice to the fascinating world of BDSM hardware. Readers who already have a great deal of experience with BDSM toys and equipment may find this section a bit tedious, and are invited to skip ahead to the next section.

  For the sake of simplicity, we’ll classify all BDSM toys and equipment into seven general categories: bondage, impact, piercing, sensation/sensory deprivation, torture, role-play accessories, and furnishings.

  Bondage Gear

  Bondage gear is primarily designed to restrict a person’s mobility or functionality. The most common use for bondage gear is to restrain the arms and legs, however, it can also be used to immobilize or reduce the functionality of the head, neck, torso, hands, feet, and even genitalia. The quality of this kind of gear can range from absolute junk at the low end to exquisitely crafted works of art at the high end. Generally speaking, the comfort, durability and functionality of bondage gear purchased from novelty stores are usually quite low, since those establishments cater primarily to vanilla purchasers who are looking to experiment. For higher-end, better constructed bondage gear, your best bet is to patronize the specialty retailers that cater exclusively to a BDSM clientele.

  The following is a list of some of the most common types of bondage gear you may encounter, in no particular order, with descriptions, purchasing tips and some observations on their safe use. Some types of generic sex toys are not listed here, so we can better focus on BDSM-specific items.

  Wrist and Ankle Cuffs

  Wrist and ankle cuffs are probably the first items that most novices think of and purchase when they begin experimenting with bondage toys. They come in a wide range of styles, designs and materials and can range in cost and quality from “pretty, but completely non-functional” to “made-to-order awesomeness.” Typical wrist or ankle cuff designs consist of quality heavy-duty leather, stainless steel buckles for adjustments, and one or more D-rings to facilitate attachments. Some of the signs of an inferior product are poor leather quality, the use of non-colorfast dyes in the leather or other materials, flimsy or sloppy construction with sharp or rough edges, plastic or coated aluminum D-rings, or any disclaimer that states the product is “for novelty use only.” That’s marketing-weasel-speak which, in plain English means, “you shouldn’t expect this product to actually function.”

  We should also include in this category a large assortment of handcuffs, thigh cuffs, thumb cuffs, shackles and even zip-ties. In addition to the obvious psychological impact of their use, all cuffs are designed to keep a person’s limbs immobilized or dysfunctional, and they can all become a safety concern if not used correctly. Any time you use wrist or ankle cuffs of any kind, you should maintain continuous supervision of the bound person and make periodic checks of his or her extremities for loss of feeling, poor circulation, or unnecessary chafing, pinching or cutting. You should also be aware that the use of wrist and ankle cuffs can sometimes force a person’s body into a position that causes difficulty in breathing, or postural asphyxiation - another good reason for maintaining that continuous supervision. Finally, it is extremely rare for wrist or ankle cuffs to be designed to bear any significant portion of a person’s body weight. While it might be a wonderful fantasy to suspend a person by their wrists or ankles, it is almost always a very, very bad idea to attempt to do so in reality. Most wrist and ankle cuffs are not designed to support that kind of weight and frankly, neither are most wrists and ankles.

  Collars

  Collars, aside from their aesthetic and symbolic value, can also be an extremely erotic and versatile piece of bondage gear. When we are referring to a collar that is used primarily for bondage purposes, as opposed to other uses, we typically will refer to it as a play collar. The most common use for play collars is to immobilize the neck and often, by extension, the torso and head. Through the use of D-rings or other connectors, a collar can easily be attached to furnishings and equipment, or even to a person’s own limbs in such a fashion that it forces the Bottom to assume a posture or position desired by the Top.

  As for design and product quality, many of the same considerations we discussed in relation to wrist and ankle cuffs apply equally to collars. Safety considerations, however, deserve significantly more attention when it comes to collars, since the human neck is particularly vulnerable and the potential consequences of a mistake can be absolutely catastrophic. Continuous supervision is absolutely a must. Not only is postural asphyxiation always a danger, but strangulation can occur in the event of a mishap or poor product design. Collars should never, ever, be expected to support any body weight at all under any circumstances. In fact, it is extraordinarily dangerous to attach a collar to anything in such a way that an unforeseen event could cause the collar to choke or injure the wearer. The last thing you want is for a failed suspension or collapsing piece of fetish furniture to result in a broken neck.

  Bondage Tape

  Bondage tape is one of those relatively new developments utilizing technology that didn’t even exist twenty years ago. This high-tech polymer tape, which sticks only to itself and not to skin or hair, was originally developed in the early-nineties as a veterinary bandage, since putting a traditional bandages on an animal’s limbs or other body parts covered with fur could be somewhat problematic. Recently, in a stroke of marketing genius, the very same veterinary products have been rebranded, repackaged, marked-up in price 500%, and sold to the fetish community as “bondage tape.” Only in America! I don’t know about you, but success-stories like that bring a tear to my eye.

  Bondage tape can be used to bind, gag, blindfold, or even mummify a person. It truly is one of those products that has a million and one uses, and is sure to bring out the MacGuyver in you. Most brands also have that glossy latex look that can add a bit of pizazz to just about any occasion.

  One of the really nice
things about bondage tape, aside from the fact that it doesn’t hurt when you remove it, is its ability to attach people to things without leaving a sticky residue on either, and without pulling the paint or finish off of your cherished furnishings. Imagine, for example, being able to secure your Bottom’s arms to the arms of your priceless antique armchair without having to worry about what the tape may do to the chair’s finish. Anyone who has ever regretted using duct tape on his furniture knows exactly what I’m talking about here.

  Bondage tape is also reusable, though the utility of reusable tape is directly proportional to your willingness and ability to reroll it. Another great advantage to using bondage tape is the fact that, for all intents and purposes, it looks exactly like any other big roll of tape. You may not consider this much of an advantage now, but just wait until the luggage screeners at the airport start pulling sex toys out of your suitcase in front of a crowd of strangers or, worse, in front of the coworkers or associates you’re traveling with.

  Bondage tape is a relatively safe product to use, as long as you adhere (sorry, I just couldn’t help myself) to the safety guidelines we’ve discussed previously. There is, however, one unique aspect of using bondage tape that can sometimes be problematic. Some users are tempted, because the tape is somewhat stretchy and elastic, to apply it too tightly, which can restrict blood circulation. It should also go without saying that bondage tape should never be wrapped around a person’s neck, or placed over his face in a way that might restrict his ability to breathe.

  Sleeves

  A BDSM sleeve is typically a long tube, constructed of soft leather, canvas or other heavy material, sewn closed at one end, and sporting one or more buckles or straps along its length. It is designed for the insertion and immobilization of one or both of a Bottom’s arms, typically behind the back. Single-arm sleeves are most often used in pairs, with straps, buckles or D-rings used to attach one sleeve to the other. Dual-arm sleeves may consist of two separate arm-tubes permanently attached to one another, or a single large sleeve that is wider at the top and tapers toward the end where the Bottom’s hands meet behind the back. Extra touches may include shoulder or chest straps to hold the sleeves up, wrist straps to secure the hands tightly, decorative lacing or buckles, and extra reinforcement of the sleeve for rigidity.

  The odds of finding BDSM sleeves in your typical sex novelty store are pretty low. They tend to be available only from specialty retailers that cater to the fetish crowd, and can be somewhat pricy, ranging anywhere from $150 to $400, depending on the materials and quality of construction.

  There are some real advantages to using sleeves. First, sleeves immobilize the arms in a way that wrist cuffs simply cannot. Wrist cuffs may be good at keeping a person’s wrists together, but a flexible person will always still have plenty of room for movement. Second, sleeves take a great deal of stress off the wrists themselves, transferring and distributing most of the stress to the entire length of the arms, instead. This greatly reduces the chances of unintended pain or injury to the wrists. Third, sleeves with multiple straps, D-rings or other attachment points along their lengths provide a multitude of ways to integrate the immobilization of the arms into your overall bondage scene, and gives you more control of a Bottom’s posture and positioning. Finally, sleeves have a unique aesthetic quality that ranks right up there with Shibari when it comes to artistic impact. In other words, they look cool as hell.

  The potential safety concerns related to the use of sleeves include all that we’ve previously said about the need for continuous supervision and monitoring blood circulation and breathing. There are two additional concerns when it comes to the use of BDSM sleeves. The first is the fact that the hands are often hidden from view, which makes it harder to see if a person’s fingertips are turning purple or blue from poor circulation. This can be further complicated by numbness in the extremities, which means the Bottom may not realize that it is happening. The Top should periodically squeeze the Bottom’s fingers through the sleeve and ask about numbness or pain in the hands.

  The second concern relates to the stress placed on the Bottom’s shoulders, or as the medical geeks might describe it, where the humerus bone meets the scapula at the glenohumeral joint. Raising the attached arms too high behind the back, or placing too much stress on them can cause a dislocation or a partial dislocation, which is ironically called a subluxation. This is extremely rare, however, some individuals who have experienced dislocations before maybe particularly susceptible to reoccurrences. A Top should ask about any past history of shoulder dislocations before putting someone in a sleeve.

  Mitts

  BDSM mitts are pretty much exactly what you’d expect them to be: mitts. Think oven mitt, or baseball mitt, only a whole lot kinkier. BDSM mitts are typically made of leather or other heavy-duty materials, and are used to prevent a Bottom from using his or her hands and, most commonly, to prevent masturbation. Other common uses include immobilizing the wrists and hands by attaching them to other bondage gear, hobbling someone to make an assigned task near-impossible to accomplish, or for disciplinary or humiliation purposes.

  You’re not likely to find BDSM mitts in a typical sex shop or novelty store. You will probably have to get them from an online specialty BDSM retailer, where you can expect to pay between $100 and $200 for a pair, depending upon the workmanship and quality. Mitt designs can range from extremely simple to complex and multifunctional. Some come with inner liners, some don’t. Some come with buckles, straps, zippers or locks, and some don’t. D-rings are a common feature on most mitt designs, but some are designed to be load-bearing while others are not. Your best strategy in purchasing BDSM mitts is to have a clear notion of how you may want to use them in the future and to seek out the specific features that support that plan.

  Safety considerations for the use of BDSM mitts are similar to those for cuffs and sleeves, though mitts may make it much more difficult to check a Bottom’s fingertips to ensure proper circulation and feeling. Additionally, a very serious safety concern arises if someone is left alone at home for any length of time with mitts locked onto her hands. In the event of a real emergency, she could find herself unable to dial the phone, bandage a wound or even open the front door in order to escape smoke or fire.

  Harnesses

  A BDSM harness is a fairly generic term for just about anything that is worn about the torso, and to which you attach other things. A simple example would be a dildo harness, which is usually (but not always) worn around the hips and groin and is designed to hold a dildo in place for pegging. Other common types of harnesses include cock and ball torture harnesses, chastity harnesses, purely decorative body harnesses, and specialty bondage harnesses. Some harnesses are designed to be used only with other types of equipment, fetish furniture, frames, hoists, swings or devices. In short, a harness can refer to damn near anything that attaches your body to something else.

  Straitjackets

  Straitjackets have come a long, long way in the past few decades. The boring but classic beige canvas straitjacket that most of us have seen only in the movies has recently been joined by a wide assortment of new straitjacket designs in all-new materials and hot new colors. The classic straitjacket consists of a canvas garment top that closes in the back and has overly long sleeves which, when worn, are crossed over the chest and then tied or buckled in the back, which prevents the wearer from using his arms and hands.

  The newer designs, which are more appropriate for recreational users, rather than criminally insane ones, are typically made with leather, latex rubber, PVC or a combination of those materials. Minor variations in their design can include arms that cross in the back instead of across the chest, the addition of wrist or crotch straps, breast-access zippers, built-in toy harnesses, built-in chastity belts, and sturdy closures or fasteners that will accommodate padlocks. Straitjackets make wonderful conversation pieces, and can always serve as the punch line to any joke questioning your sanity. They also happen to be one of t
he few forms of bondage that even vanilla people will line up to try at a party.

  Straitjackets tend to fall into two general price categories: expensive, and ridiculously expensive. An authentic, old-fashioned heavy-canvas straitjacket will set you back roughly $200, but a latex rubber or PVC straitjacket can cost anywhere from $700 to $2,000 depending on the quality of workmanship and your selection of bells and whistles in the design.

  As far as safety goes, straitjackets should be worn loosely enough to permit some movement and allow for proper blood circulation in the arms. If a straitjacket is worn for long periods of time, it can result in numbness in the arms or the pooling of blood and swelling in the elbows. When straitjacket-related injuries do occur they are, more often than not, the result of the wearer falling or striking nearby furniture while thrashing around in an attempt to escape from it.

  Rope, Straps & Chain

  What good are all those collars, cuffs and sleeves, if you can’t attach them to anything? That’s where the rope, straps and chains come into play. We can categorized them all by functionality as connectors, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

  Let’s start with rope. When it comes to bondage, rope isn’t always used strictly for simple bondage or just as a connector; it can also be used in the more advanced stand-alone bondage art commonly referred to as shibari or kinbaku. Both are Japanese terms which came into general usage in the West in the 1990s. Shibari refers to the generic art of intricate knot-tying, while kinbaku refers to the erotic application of the same skill. The types of rope traditionally used in shibari and kinbaku are jute (made from cellulose and lignin fibers), hemp (derived from cannabis plant fibers), and linen (which is woven from flax and sometimes cotton fibers), and various new synthetic fibers.