Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  The good news for Muslims, who are not permitted to consume alcohol, is that alcohol is rarely served or consumed at BDSM social events. The bad news is, there’s a lot of other stuff that happens at BDSM social events that is considered haram under Islamic law. For example, gender mixing is a big no-no, and you won’t see many single-sex BDSM events being held in your neighborhood, or anywhere, for that matter. Another haram practice you’ll see quite often at BDSM events is the wear of fetish clothing, which can be quite revealing at times. Not only does sharia forbid exposing any part of the female body to a man who is not her husband, but it also forbids exposing a woman’s “private parts” (awrah, defined as the area between a woman’s navel and her knees) to other women, as well. So, exhibitionism is definitely off the table. But as long as you keep your clothes on, you should be good to go, right? Wrong. According to Dr. Saalih as-Saalih, an authority on such matters, the prophet Mohammed also made it unlawful for a woman to look at the awrah of another woman. The bottom line: If you’re a Muslim, and you’re into BDSM activities, you may just want to conduct your BDSM activities in the privacy of your own home.

  Sharia may have a lot to say about BDSM activities, but there’s actually little or nothing in sharia that forbids you from having a fulfilling D/s relationship. Whether that relationship is Master/slave, or Dominant/submissive, sharia seems quite accepting of the D/s relationship dynamic, as long as it is heterosexual, consensual, doesn’t harm the participants, and does not simulate something that is forbidden.

  D/s and Buddhism: Sensual Misconduct

  The foundations of Buddhism rest upon what they call the Three Jewels: Buddha, the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the community). The ethical teachings of Buddhism include what are called the Five Precepts, which are not commandments, per se, but a voluntary training regimen. They consist of the following:

  1. Refraining from taking life and practicing non-violence.

  2. Refraining from committing theft.

  3. Refraining from sensual misconduct.

  4. Refraining from lying.

  5. Refraining from drugs and alcohol.

  Those who wish to further embrace Buddhism learn the Eight Precepts, which adds three more precepts to the original five, and transforms the third into a precept of celibacy. The three additional precepts are:

  1. Refraining from eating, except from sunrise to noon.

  2. Refraining from dancing, playing music, wearing jewelry or cosmetics, or attending performances.

  3. Refraining from using high or luxurious seats and beds.

  Buddhists also learn about the concepts of Samsara and Karma. Samsara is the cycle of birth and death, which is affected by our attitudes about pleasure, pain, and suffering. Karma refers to the actions performed by a person, which may bring about a consequence or result, either in this life, or in subsequent lives. While both positive and negative types of karma exist, they are an impersonal kind of energy which has nothing to do with personal salvation or forgiveness.

  Two of the more well-known forms of Buddhism to westerners are Zen Buddhism, and Tantric Buddhism (which has become popularized in America through books and seminars on so-called “tantric” sex). Zen Buddhism is focused primarily on the search for direct spiritual breakthroughs to universal truths through meditation, unsolvable riddles called koans, and the art of shikantaza (“just sitting”).

  Tantric Buddhism involves harnessing one’s psycho-physical energy through rituals, visualizations, physical exercises, and various forms of meditation. Some practitioners of tantric Buddhism perform sexual yoga as part of their training regimen. With the exception of this practice of sexual yoga, there is actually very little in Buddhist literature or teachings about sexuality in general.

  The Buddhist admonition against “sensual misconduct” can be interpreted in a variety of ways, including the strictest possible interpretation, which would be that any sensual conduct at all may be considered misconduct. If that were truly the case, then there would seem to be little point in discussing which specific BDSM activities are in harmony with Buddhism. If we assume, however, that sensuality in general is not necessarily a bad thing, then we can attempt to interpret at least a few of the Eight Precepts from within a BDSM context. A case could certainly be made that Precept One, which teaches non-violence, effectively rules out most activities related to sadomasochism, bondage, and impact play. Precept Four, which encourages truth-telling, could easily be interpreted as a prohibition on role playing. Precept Seven might make it difficult to observe a scene at any BDSM event or gathering, since that would be considered “attending a performance.” Precept Eight would likely discourage the use of highly customized BDSM equipment and furniture. It would seem to the casual observer that the basic tenets of Buddhism do not mesh well with some of the most commonly practiced BDSM activities. But what might Buddhism have to say about the D/s relationship dynamic?

  Remember, Domination/submission – at least as we’ve defined it in these pages – refers to the relationship dynamic between two or more individuals. It is what is in their heads and hearts; it governs how they relate to one another. It is not necessarily about whips and chains. Given that definition of D/s, we can be relatively certain that there would be little in the Eight Precepts of Buddhism that would be inconsistent with being involved in a loving, non-violent D/s relationship.

  D/s and Hinduism: You Can’t Do It Wrong

  Hinduism is the world’s third largest religion, after Christianity and Islam, and is sometimes referred to as the world’s oldest living religion. It is the predominant religion of India which, in the 13th century, was also known as Hindustan. The authoritative texts of the Hindu religion are written in Sanskrit, and are usually divided into two categories of what we might consider scripture: revealed truths (called sruti) and remembered truths (referred to as smitri). Hinduism shares many precepts with Buddhism, including the notions of karma and dharma, and a belief in reincarnation. Aside from certain similarities to Buddhism, there are also great differences between the two religious traditions. Hinduism can be exceedingly difficult to pigeonhole as a religion, since the faith has no codified declaration of beliefs that are universally held by all adherents of Hinduism.

  As a result of this lack of a codified and unifying belief system, Hinduism allows its followers the absolute freedom to believe and worship as they please. Therefore, almost by definition, a member of the Hindu faith cannot commit heresy or blasphemy. Even apostasy is practically impossible, since there are at least two schools of Hinduism (Samkhya and Mimamsa) that embrace atheism!

  Classical Hindu teachings often refer to the four objectives of life as being dharma (ethics), artha (prosperity), Kāma (sensuality), and Moksha (freedom). This designation of sensuality as one of the fundamental objectives of life is a major departure from what we saw in the Buddhist tradition. While some Hindu monks are expected to renounce most forms of sensual pleasure in order to practice celibacy, the great majority of Hindus are free to revel in their sexuality. Ancient Hindu texts dating to 1500 BC discuss issues such as the sexual duties of husbands and wives, the sexual education of young people, polygamy, polyandry, and polygyny. In the second century, the Hindu religion gave the world its first textbook on sexuality and virtuous living, the Kama Sutra.

  The Kama Sutra, contrary to popular belief in western culture, was far more than just an ancient Hindu sex manual. It was, in fact, a compendium of texts that encouraged adherents to live righteously and to enjoy life. Another western misconception about the Kama Sutra is that it teaches the principles of tantric sex. In reality, tantric sexual yoga is a practice of Buddhism, not Hinduism, at all. The Kama Sutra does, however, devote a great deal of attention to practices that would today be considered typical BDSM activities. There are, for example, sections of the Kama Sutra devoted to biting and the marking of one’s lover with your teeth. Other sections detail various techniques for teasing, slapping, and over 60 other sexual activities and position
s.

  On the other hand, the Kama Sutra also cautions against ignoring the potential perils of unrestrained sensuality, saying, “Just as a horse in full gallop, blinded by the energy of his own speed, pays no attention to any post or hole or ditch on the path, so two lovers, blinded by passion, in the friction of sexual battle, are caught up in their fierce energy and pay no attention to danger.”

  Despite the lack of any formally codified belief system that is universal to all Hindus (or perhaps, precisely because of it) we can confidently say that there are no prohibitions in the Hindu religion against either BDSM practices, or D/s relationships.

  D/s and Paganism: Do What Thou Wilt

  Paganism is simultaneously one of the world’s oldest and newest religions. For thousands of years, the term was used derogatorily in reference to any religion that wasn’t one of the “big three” Abrahamic religions; Judaism, Christianity or Islam. In more recent times, the name Pagan was used self-referentially in America for the very first time in 1964, and gained popularity in the 1970s as part of the counter-culture movement which readily embraced this new age, non-institutionalized expression of personal spirituality and communion with nature.

  Today, contemporary Pagans comprise just 0.2% of Americans who express a religious preference, or roughly 1 in every 500 people, yet they seem to represent a disproportionately higher percentage of those in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles. That linkage may well be rooted in the counter-culture character of contemporary Paganism which flaunts social conventions and celebrates, rather than represses, the natural carnality of man.

  Modern Paganism is an umbrella term that covers a wide range of religious beliefs and practices drawn from many cultures and traditions, spanning several millennia. There is no single organization, doctrine or sacred text that is recognized by all Pagans as being authoritative or binding. Paganism includes a host of diverse belief systems, to include Wicca, Witchcraft, Druidism, Shamanism, Animism, Nature Worship, and the Goddess Movement.

  Pagans rarely engage in theology, and generally prefer a holistic, nature-based personal spiritualism that is often expressed singularly, rather than in doctrine or as part of a congregation. What might appear to outsiders as a hodge-podge of diverse religious beliefs and practices when viewed in the aggregate, superbly serves each individual Pagan as a unique and practical expression of his or her own personal spirituality. Even so, there are some common themes that can be found in most expressions of Paganism which typically include reverence for the sanctity of nature, rejection of traditional values and institutional religion, celebration of diversity, and the philosophy of “doing what thou wilt, but harming no one.”

  Perhaps it is this “do what thou wilt” ethic that serves as the subtle connection between the Pagan belief system and the D/s and BDSM lifestyles. Their practice of personal spirituality and focusing upon the sanctity of nature and the way things are, as opposed to moralizing on how they should be, allows for a freer expression of the D/s dynamic and fetish-related sexuality. It would be reasonable to expect to find a higher incidence of Primals among Pagans in the lifestyle as a consequence of their reverence for nature and instinct. On the other hand, one should not expect many followers of the Pagan goddess movement to be lining up to become Gorean kajirae. But then again, who knows? A Pagan doeth what he wilt.

  D/s and Christianity: Similitudes of Submission

  The Christian religion is based on the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, who lived two thousand years ago in Israel, and who later became known to his followers as the Christ, which means the Messiah. Christians believe that Jesus was conceived the Son of God and born of a virgin for the primary purpose of atoning for the sins of the world. At the end of his mortal ministry, Jesus was crucified by the Romans and his body placed in a tomb, where Christians believe he was resurrected and appeared again to his followers before ascending to Heaven to reign with God the Father.

  Worldwide, there are 2.2 billion Christians, with the three largest sects being comprised of Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, and Protestants. In the United States, those who self-identify as Christians account for 76% of the population. Self-identification, for the purposes of this book, shall be the standard by which we categorize a person or sect as Christian.

  This is an important distinction which must be acknowledged before embarking on any discussion which involves the contentious topics of sex and religion. If we do not do so, we run the risk of allowing those with an agenda to tailor their definition of Christians and Christianity to fit their own preconceptions and biases. You may not realize it, but that is exactly what is occurring when someone says, “You can’t be a Christian if you’re into BDSM.” A Christian’s response to that, and to similarly wrong-headed statements, should be, “You don’t get to define who is, or isn’t a Christian, especially in my case. If I say I’m a Christian, then by-golly, I’m a Christian.”

  The five largest Christian denominations in the United States are:

  1. The Catholic Church, with 68.2 million members

  2. The Southern Baptist Convention, with 16.2 million members

  3. The United Methodist Church, with 7.7 million members

  4. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with 6.2 million members

  5. The Church of God in Christ, with 5.5 million members

  Among these and the many other Christian denominations and sects in the United States, one can find a wide variety of doctrines and creeds, some of which are distinctive enough to seriously push the boundaries of what it is to be a Christian. The doctrinal commonalities, however, usually far outweigh the differences. While we could probably write an entire book on this subject (and perhaps will, someday), we’re going to focus now on three pillars of Christian doctrine, as they may pertain to D/s relationships and the BDSM lifestyle: the Ten Commandments, the Bible, and the words of Jesus Christ, himself.

  The Ten Commandments

  The Ten Commandments, sometimes referred to as the Decalog, actually appear twice in both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, making their debut first in Exodus, and then being restated in Deuteronomy. On the off-chance that it’s been a while since you brushed-up on your Ten Commandments and don’t have a Bible readily available, here they are:

  I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.

  You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

  You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.

  Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

  Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

  You shall not murder.

  You shall not commit adultery.

  You shall not steal.

  You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

  You shall not covert your neighbor’s house, or his wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbors.

  At first blush, it’s hard to see anything in the Ten Commandments that could be interpreted as forbidding a D/s relationsh
ip or BDSM lifestyle. Even if there were, the Commandments are unclear on such things as the penalties for breaking them. Some might be tempted to conclude from the first commandment that God isn’t too keen on the institution of slavery, but then again, Egypt’s enslavement of the Jews in the time of Moses was hardly safe, sane, or consensual.

  The admonition to “have no other gods before me” could conceivably be problematic for any submissive in a D/s relationship with a Lesser God or Pharoanic Lord as her Dominant. Luckily, she does have a convenient loophole. All she has to do is appraise her Dom as being slightly lower in stature than the God of Abraham and Isaac. Of course, getting her Dominant to agree with that appraisal is another matter, entirely.

  The second and third commandments, which forbid the worship of graven images and taking the Lord’s name in vain, are more or less irrelevant to the D/s and BDSM lifestyles. The fourth commandment, however, could become an issue if you’re in the habit of engaging in BDSM activities on the Sabbath day. Interestingly, not all Christians observe the Sabbath on Sunday, so perhaps you have a little wiggle-room to work with, here. That is, assuming that wiggling is allowed on the Sabbath.

  Honoring Mom and Dad shouldn’t have to be antithetical to living a BDSM lifestyle. If your parents don’t agree with your lifestyle choices, perhaps the best way you can honor them is by not rubbing their faces in it. That way, you’re also helping them avoid breaking the sixth commandment by killing you.

  The seventh commandment, which forbids adultery, is often cited by opponents of the BDSM lifestyle as being relevant to the discussion. The problem with that argument, however, is that it is based entirely on the commonly held misconception that BDSM equates to promiscuous sex that occurs outside of committed relationships. Not only is it entirely possible to engage in BDSM without sex, it’s relatively common. In fact, many BDSM events and facilities do not allow sex on the premises at all.