Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Temperature Play. (See: Sensation play)

  Thigh Cuffs. (See: Restraints)

  Thumb Cuffs. (See: Restraints)

  Third. Common term for an additional or third person who is invited into a primary couple’s relationship for intimacy, love, sex, or fetish play purposes. (See also: Polyamory)

  Ticklers. A tickler is usually a sort of mini-crop or novelty flogger with an elongated (15”-24”) slender rod used for a handle. The falls, or strips of material at the business end of the tickler, may be comprised of leather, rubber, plastic, beads, delicate chains, rope, cloth, or even feathers. (See also: Crop, Flogger)

  Tickling. Tickling or tickle play refers to a scene or activity that incorporates tickling as a reward, a punishment, as part of age play, or as a form of humiliation. Tickle play is often combined with various forms of bondage to prevent the bottom from avoiding or preventing the tickling. It is also a very common component of age play, since tickling is an archetypal adult-child interaction that universally occurs in most cultures. One example of how tickling may be incorporated into a humiliation scene is when it is used to cause a bottom to lose control of his bladder and wet himself. Not everyone is ticklish, but for those who are, the possibilities are endless. (See also: Age play, Forced Bed Wetting, Humiliation, Sensation play, Torture, Urine play)

  Top. A Top is someone who situationally or temporarily assumes the dominant, leading, or aggressive role as part of an activity which is usually, but not necessarily limited to, a BDSM scene. A Top may or may not be a Dominant. Conversely and less commonly, a Dominant is not always a Top. (See also: Bottom, Dominant, Master, Scene, Submissive)

  Topping from the Bottom. A submissive’s practice of manipulating or influencing the decisions or behavior of a Dominant. This behavior by the submissive can be overt, purposeful, and conscious, or it can be covert, subtle, and unconscious. It is sometimes accomplished with the full knowledge and approval of the Dominant. Other times, the Dominant may be oblivious to it, even if everyone else can see it. The brat sub is the type of submissive that is most commonly associated with this sort of behavior, but in reality, it is practiced by all kinds of submissives, in every category of D/s relationship. A would-be Dominant who is topped from the bottom is sometimes referred to as a Service Top. (See also: Bottom, Dominant, Service top, Submissive, Top)

  Topspace. Topspace refers to an altered state of consciousness which is sometimes experienced by a Top during or following a BDSM scene or activity. It is sometimes (and probably erroneously) equated with subspace, a mental state which may occur when a bottom experiences intense pain, pleasure or emotions. Topspace is more likely to be the product of a Top’s hyper-focus, adrenaline, physical exertion, and intense emotions. Regardless of the causes, it is a real phenomenon which occurs infrequently, but often enough that precautions (such as monitoring) should be taken and aftercare provided, as needed. (See also: Aftercare, Bottom, Scene, Subspace, Top)

  Torture. Torture refers to any sustained activity over time that consists of the intentional infliction of physical or emotional pain upon another person. One of the key elements of torture is the fact that it is sustained over a period of time; a single poke or squeeze may not qualify as torture, but a hundred of them over the course of an hour might. The most common forms of BDSM torture play are CBT, breast and nipple torture, predicament bondage, orgasm denial, and bathroom restrictions; however the list is literally endless. Torture play is also typically combined with other forms of role play or BDSM scenes, such as abduction play, interrogation play and medical play. (See also: Abduction play, Bathroom use restrictions, Ball crushing, Ball stretching, Castration play, CBT, Interrogation play, Medical play)

  Training Collar. A training collar is, for many submissives, the logical second step that follows a short period of consideration and decision to move forward into a more serious and committed relationship. It is a recognition that, while a more intense and formal relationship is desired by both parties, there is still much to be learned by the submissive before a formal collar can be offered. During training, every action by a submissive in a training collar reflects directly upon the Dominant, telegraphing to all his competence - or lack thereof – as a trainer of submissives. This can also be a period of great stress and contention as the Dominant and submissive adjust to their new roles in the relationship, and learn to reconcile their expectations and preconceptions with reality. (See also: Collar, Collar of consideration, Collar of protection, Day collar, Play collar)

  Triad. A triad is any polyamorous relationship consisting of three people. Triad relationships exist worldwide in many cultures, not just in the Poly or D/s lifestyles. (See also: Polyamory)

  Uniform Play. Uniform play refers to activities which utilize a uniform paraphilia, or sexual arousal from either wearing or seeing others in a uniform. The uniforms are typically those worn by military service members, police officers, doctors, nurses, priests, schoolgirls, or the costumes worn by fictional superheroes. Uniforms are frequently perceived as symbolic of authority, integrity, discipline or power. Other times, as in the case of nurses, schoolgirls, and priests, they may represent chastity, purity, innocence, or caring. The arousal or emotions evoked by uniform play are sometimes used to add intensity to abduction play, age play, interrogation play, medical play, or religious fantasies. (See also: Abduction play, Age play, Interrogation play, Littles, Medical play, Paraphilia, Religious fantasy)

  Urethra Play. Urethra play refers to any activity that stimulates or focuses on the urethra which, for males is the tube through which urine and semen pass and exit from the head of the penis, and for females is the tube through which urine passes and exits between the clitoris and the vagina. Urethra play typically focuses on the male urethra, and generally consists of inserting objects into the urethra to stimulate, arouse, or torture the subject. It is considered by some to be a form of edge play due to its high potential for pain or damage. (See also: CBT, Torture)

  Urine Play. Urine play (sometimes referred to as water sports) is simply any activity that involves the fascination with, adoration of, or sexual arousal from urine. Urine play can take many forms, to include voyeurism (i.e. being aroused by watching others urinate), diaper play (i.e. being aroused by the sensations of a wet diaper), bathroom use restrictions (i.e. being aroused by being forced to wet oneself), golden showers (arousal from urinating on others, or from being urinated upon), and even drinking it which is, contrary to popular belief, actually sterile and relatively safe in small amounts. (See also: AB/DL, Bathroom use restrictions, Diaper play, Golden showers, Paraphilia)

  Vanilla. Term used by those in the D/s, BDSM or fetish lifestyles to describe those who are outside of the lifestyle. It is generally used in the sense that anything that is vanilla flavored (i.e. ice cream) is considered to be unexciting or bland. The term vanilla is rarely used as a serious pejorative or insult, though some people will occasionally choose to interpret it as such. More commonly, it is simply used as a playful way of saying “normal.”

  Velcro Collar. A generally derisive term referring to the practice of casual frequent collaring, usually the collaring of inexperienced submissives by inexperienced Dominants, neither of whom fully grasp the symbolism of the collar, or the commitment to a relationship that it implies. “Velcro”, which is a registered trademark of Velcro Industries B.V., is a reference to the easy on, easy off nature of this sort of collar. (See also: Collar, Collar of consideration, Collar of protection, Play collar, Training collar)

  Versatile. (See Switch)

  Veterinary Play. Refers to Medical role play that is associated with pet play. Instead of role playing the parts of a patient and doctor, veterinary play involves role playing as pet and veterinarian. (See also: Medical play, Pet play)

  Violet Ray. (See Violet wand)

  Violet Wand. An electrical device similar to decorative lightning plasma globes, but with an elongated wand-like shape, that is specifically produced for BDSM sensation and electrica
l play. As is the case with many BDSM-related toys, the violet wand looks a lot scarier than it really is, and therein lies its attraction. The artificial lightning electrical display delivers a tingling or ticklish sensation to the skin or any erogenous zone it touches, and the intensity can usually be adjusted from a mild tickle to intense pain. Most violet wands allow for a wide selection of interchangeable electrode attachments which are designed for specific purposes or sensations. At the highest settings and if left in place long enough a violet wand can actually burn or brand the skin. When first popularized in the 1920s as quack medical devices, they were called violet rays. (See also: Branding, Electrical play, Sensation play)

  Water Sports. (See: Urine play)

  Water Torture. Water torture refers to any activity that utilizes water to create discomfort or pain over time. Various forms of water torture may include the use of high-pressure hoses in combination with prison play, the use of extremely hot or cold water for sensation play, or the use of highly focused needle-like streams of water from a device like a Waterpik for stimulation or torture of sensitive areas. (See also: Prison fantasy, Sensation play, Torture)

  Wax Play. Wax play generally consists of dripping or pouring molten candle wax onto someone’s skin to produce erotic sensations, for aesthetic purposes, or both. The types of candle wax used for erotic wax play typically fall into two categories: paraffin (a man-made, petroleum-based compound) and beeswax (which is secreted by the wax glands of worker bees). There are many other varieties of wax that can be used, but they all generally fall into these two categories, differing only in the various additives that are combined with the waxes to change its properties, such as its burn characteristics, melting point, plasticity, or effects upon the skin. (See also: Chapter 9 - BDSM Toys and Safety)

  Weights. Weights are sometimes used in various types of BDSM scenes or play to add stress, discomfort or pain as needed. Weights are most commonly used in CBT ball stretching, but may also be used in breast and nipple torture, labia torture, predicament bondage, mummification, and humiliation play. (See also: Ball crushing, Ball stretching, CBT, Predicament bondage, Torture)

  Whip. A whip can refer to a wide range of BDSM toys, including floggers, lashes, cats-o’-nine-tails, and crops. Usually, when the word whip is used, it is a reference to single-tail whips. Single-tail whips come in three basic styles: stock whips, bullwhips, and snake whips. See Chapter 9 - BDSM Toys and Safety for more information on whips. (See also: Canes, Crops, Floggers, Impact play)

  Whipping Post. A whipping post is a sturdy pole, frame or device used primarily for the purpose of restraining a bottom in a standing position to facilitate being whipped, cropped, caned, paddled, or spanked. (See also: St. Andrews cross, Caning, Crop, Flogger, Impact play, Paddle, Rack, Torture, Whip)

  Appendix B: Silly Shit Mike Makai Says

  Have you ever uttered a sentence aloud and immediately, upon hearing it come out of your own mouth, think to yourself, “I really should write that down. I’m sure it will come in handy someday?” But of course, it never does. And so you end up with a crazy hodgepodge of quips and quotes - some funny, some profound, some just plain dopey, and you have no idea what you should do with them, but you’re unwilling to just throw them away.

  I’m a lover of words; I can’t just toss them out. I have a hard enough time just lending out a book. Perhaps that makes me a little like those whack-jobs on Hoarders who sit around watching TV while sharing a ratty couch with a big stinking pile of dead cats. Okay, that was a really bad analogy. I’m nothing like that.

  Some of these quips consist of brief commentaries on life and personal witticisms that I’ve tweeted to my followers on Twitter. On days when I’m feeling a little cocky, I’ll sometimes ask a friend, “So, did you see what I tweeted today?” to which the typical response is, “No, unlike you, I have a life.” That’s when I hit them with my “I-may-be-a-Dom-but-I-can-do-sad-puppy-dog-eyes-as-good-as-any-subbie” look, and they fold like a dollar-store card table under a fat kid twerking on You Tube.

  They beg me to show them what they’ve been missing.

  And so, here it is.

  # # #

  If only it were as easy as going to the pharmacy, purchasing a test kit, and taking it home to pee on a little plastic stick. Red for Dominant, blue for submissive, purple for switch, and yellow for everyone else. Life would be so much simpler.

  There's nothing sexier than confidence, and nothing dumber than over-confidence. Life is all about where you draw the line between the two.

  I always bring a pig-slapper to a flogger fight. I don’t even know what that means. I honestly just love the sound of it.

  "Pussy spanking" sounds so severe. Try to think of it as an open-handed, rapid-fire, impact massage for your clitoris.

  Saran Wrap is the Bondage Gods' way of telling you not to take your BDSM toys - or yourself - too seriously. Always buy an extra roll. Or ten.

  People are like M&Ms. They come in a variety of colors, they're hard on the outside, and full of obscene yumminess on the inside.

  I love redheads. It’s not the hair color, it’s the crazy.

  I need a little sign in my car that says, "For your own safety, please buckle your seat belt, ankle cuffs, wrist restraints and ball gag."

  Questions real people actually ask me: "So, do you know a lot about sex?" No, I just write books about it.

  I wouldn't say I'm terribly religious, but I am looking for someone who's really into cock worship.

  Some days, I ponder the mysteries of the universe. Other days, about the best I can do is wonder why "now" and "snow" don't rhyme.

  Some people are a complete waste of our time. Others are a complete waste of our oxygen.

  I prefer my version: "Abstinence makes the hard-on seek fondlers."

  If this day gets any slower, I'll be moving backward in time. Can we stop at age 21 please? That would be really cool.

  Entering into or even considering a D/s relationship knowing that you cannot trust is a little like skydiving without a parachute. It may start out great, but it never ends well.

  Sure, I'd love to meet your mom. That way I can see what your boobs will look like in 20 years. Did I just say that out loud?

  I don’t care about your excuses. I don’t care about anyone’s excuses; not even my own. Either we accomplish what we have set out to do, or we don’t. Not much else matters. No one asks why Jefferson Davis lost the civil war. They just know that he did.

  Some women just make you want to know what makes them tick. Others make you wonder what happens when the ticking stops.

  A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

  I think the employees at my local ranch supply store are beginning to wonder why I'm always in the tack section checking out their leather pig-slappers. I don’t own a ranch. Or pigs.

  [After seeing a photograph of a pretty redhead wearing glasses and reading a book] Did I mention I love redheads? And glasses? And short skirts? And girls who read? And... Oh fuck it, just take my 401(k) already.

  Dear people who try to call me at 5:30am: Knock that shit off. And have a nice day.

  It’s easy to fall in love online with someone you’d slide away from on a bus stop bench. A little too damn easy.

  A cage stokes our emotions and imaginations, regardless of whether you are inside looking out, or outside looking in.

  I actually got asked this: "What's your favorite safe word?" I replied, “More!”

  No one should ever have to get out of bed before McDonalds switches to burgers.

  How we relate to our partners in relationships is a microcosm of how we relate to the world. On a completely unrelated note, have I ever mentioned that I've always wanted to conquer the world?

  Relationships are something that women go into hoping that their men will change, and men go into hoping that their women won’t.

  How do you make someone do crazy, kinky, pervy things? You don't. At best, you can make them want to. Are we there yet?
<
br />   Bottoming doesn’t make you a submissive, any more than standing in my kitchen makes you a cook. By the way, while you’re there, please make me a sandwich.

  You can’t fake being a Dominant. You can fake being a top. The same goes for Subs.

  When I was an Army Ranger, sometimes other soldiers would tell me, “I could do that, if I wanted to.” I’d always reply: Maybe so, but then no one ever really wants to go hungry for a week, sleep in a swamp, or parachute out of a perfectly good airplane into pitch darkness, do they? That’s the difference between me and you. Neither of us wants to do that, but I do it anyway.

  For $425 you can buy pills containing real gold that make your poop sparkle. How have I lived this long without sparkly poop?

  Emotional whiplash: Being irresistibly attracted to a beautiful young woman while simultaneously coming to the realization that I probably have food in my refrigerator older than she is.

  If you’re looking for a real partner, then you need to be real. This is doubly so online. If you want a phony partner, then go ahead and misrepresent yourself.

  A submissive who says she trusts you, but doesn’t believe you, doesn’t trust you.

  A highway patrol officer pulled me over the other day and told me, “Contrary to popular belief, we don’t have a frequent flyer program along this stretch of freeway.” He wrote me a ticket, and then said, “This ain’t Cheers. It’s not a good thing when we all know your name.”

  There's a time and a place for everything. Like, right now, your panties belong in your panty drawer.

  I have to see a doctor every few years about my ADHD medications. Today, when I saw him, he asked me if I was OCD. I said, “I don’t think so. Why do you ask?” He replied, "Most people just fill out our questionnaires. You redesigned them."

  My new and improved Golden Rule: Dom unto others and you would have God Dom unto you.

  Appendix C: About the Author

  Michael Makai is an unapologetically atypical White Knight Dominant with over thirty-five years of experience in both D/s relationships and the BDSM lifestyle. He was born in Japan and raised in Hawaii and California, where he worked as a waiter and bartender to pay his own way at the University of California, Riverside. He has lived all over the United States, and spent ten years living in Europe in the Rheinland-Pfalz region of Germany, near the Franco-German border. He currently resides near Wichita Falls, Texas.