The Summer House

by Susan Mallery

  He stiffened, then called out her name. She felt him shudder, and she shuddered herself. Then she braced her arms on the bed and bent toward him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, settling her on his chest and brushing her hair out of her face.

  Their hearts still thundered, in unison, she noticed as the world returned to focus. The steady beating slowed slightly. Her body ached in the best way possible. Tiny aftershocks rippled through her.

  “Even better than that first time,” she whispered.

  “I’ll agree. My theory is all that mental practice. I’ve been imagining this for nearly two weeks.”

  She smiled weakly, wondering if she had the same excuse. While she had been thinking about making love with Rick, she hadn’t been as specific. For her it had been more vague and slightly romantic. Moonlight, flowers, declarations of—

  She pushed herself off his chest and stared at him.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  Nothing that she could share with him. Not without them both thinking she was crazy.

  She slid off him and slipped under the covers while he disappeared into the bathroom. When he reappeared, she forced herself to smile and act normal. As normal as was possible under the circumstances.

  “I thought we might lie here until we get enough strength to shrug into the bathrobes hanging in the bathroom. Then we can call room service and order the dinner we just missed.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” she said, pleased that her voice didn’t seem to be giving anything away.

  He put an arm around her and drew her next to him. “I’d like to spend the night with you,” he said. “We don’t have to make love if you don’t want to, but I would like you close.”

  She rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I’d like that, too. Both the sleeping and the making love.”

  “Really?”

  She smiled. “Yeah.”

  There was no point in not making love with him, she told herself as she breathed in the scent of his body and felt her heart constrict a little. Somewhere along the way she’d fallen in love with Rick. Or worse, she’d never stopped loving him. Whichever it was didn’t matter. Either way, she was a goner.

  Chapter Eight

  “You all right?” Rick asked, giving Mandy a quick look as they drove north from Los Angeles.

  “Sure.” She smoothed the hem of her shorts and smiled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  There was a question he couldn’t answer. If he could, he probably wouldn’t be wondering about it in the first place.

  Something was different. She was different. He couldn’t figure out what it was, but he sensed it with a certainty that made the hairs at the back of his neck stand up.

  The feeling had first come over him sometime in the night. He’d awakened to find Mandy on her side, awake and watching him. When he’d asked her what was wrong, she hadn’t answered. Instead she’d slid close and started making love with an intensity that had left him shuddering and out of breath.

  They’d made love before and the experience had been extraordinary. He tried to tell himself that what had happened to them in the middle of the night was no different, but he didn’t believe the words. It had been different and he couldn’t say why.

  Then, this morning, Mandy hadn’t been herself. She’d been friendly enough, and affectionate. Their shower together was proof of that. But there had been something in her eyes. Something that had made him wonder if she was having second thoughts about being with him.

  He didn’t want to think that, mostly because they were so good together. Yesterday had been proof of that.

  Beside him she gave a sigh. “I’m sorry, Rick,” she said. “I have a lot on my mind. Cassie should be arriving in a day or so. While I’m really looking forward to hanging out with her, it’s going to change things with you and me. We won’t be spending as much time together. Which is probably a good thing. I mean you have work and all, right?”

  He nodded because he didn’t know what to say. He thought about explaining that while he loved his job, it wasn’t his world. At least not by choice. He’d always planned that, when he finally met someone and got married again, he would back off on the hours, maybe work something closer to a nine-to-five schedule.

  She turned and looked out the window. While Rick believed what she said, he sensed there was more. But what could it be? He thought about the previous day—the time they’d spent with Eva. Thinking about the little girl made him smile. With her big eyes and generous smile, she was something of a charmer. He’d enjoyed his day with her. A few hours in her presence had clarified Mandy’s desire to adopt the little girl. It didn’t take much of an imagination to see himself with her. There would be—

  He mentally put on the brakes, then backed up big time. See himself with her? Was he crazy? Mandy was the one looking to adopt Eva, not him. Sure he’d had a good time with the kid, but that wasn’t the same as taking on a lifetime of commitment. Unlike Mandy, he couldn’t see himself as a single parent. But with a wife…with someone who shared his dreams, his goals, his heart. Someone like Mandy.

  Instead of the freeway, he suddenly saw himself with Eva and with Mandy. He saw other children, too. A future, a family.

  The clarity and details stunned him, as did the tightness in his chest and the sense of longing.

  What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn’t possibly have feelings for Mandy. Not now. Not after all this time. No way. Been there, done that. There was no point in taking that road again. He absolutely refused to be falling for her.

  He blinked and the vision disappeared. Rather than risk it returning, he concentrated on his driving. At the turnoff for Carpinteria, he turned left without asking if she wanted to go home just yet. He needed some time alone to think.

  When he reached the beach house, he parked in front. Mandy turned to him.

  “I had a really good time,” she said, an odd light in her eyes. “I appreciate your help yesterday.”

  His throat felt scratchy and it was difficult to speak. “I enjoyed it, as well. I’m glad things went well with Eva.”

  There was an awkward pause, something he didn’t expect with Mandy. They were supposed to get along perfectly. Hadn’t they always? In the past couple of weeks, words hadn’t been their problem.

  She shrugged, then reached into the back seat for her small overnight bag. “I guess I’ll see you later.”

  “Sure.”

  There was so much more he wanted to say. Or was there? Nothing made sense. He wanted…

  He didn’t know what he wanted, so he let her go. She walked up to the duplex, turned and waved, then disappeared inside. He put the car in gear and headed back to the freeway.

  But as he drove, he had the strong sense of just having lost something important. No. That wasn’t right. He hadn’t lost anything. He and Mandy would still see each other from time to time. The point of this exercise had been to get to know each other again and find closure. They were divorced and had been for years. Why was he rocking the boat now?

  He didn’t have that answer, or any others. Telling himself that if they tried again, they would only get the same result didn’t help. Mandy had insisted that people changed. That they had changed. The results wouldn’t be the same. He almost believed her.

  Then, as he headed north to Santa Barbara, he reached the core of the dilemma. If they were different, were they different enough? Could he trust her not to run? Could she trust him to stay emotionally connected? Had they learned what they needed to in order to make things work a second time around?

  The questions stunned him. For the first time in eight years, he didn’t know where he stood with Mandy. He felt confused and cautious, yet sure.

  In the past eight years, there hadn’t been one other woman to come close to capturing his heart. He’d dated them, slept with them, traveled with them, all the while staying emotionally unengaged. He’d thought there might be something wrong with him. Was it that, or wa
s it something else?

  Had he found it impossible to fall for anyone else because he’d still been in love with Mandy all this time?

  No, he told himself. That wasn’t right. He hadn’t been waiting for her. He couldn’t have been.

  As he drove toward the house, he couldn’t help wondering how this all was going to end. The chain of events his mother had put in motion with an innocent or not-so-innocent suggestion was turning out to be a hell of a ride.

  “I can’t believe it, either,” Cassie said, sounding frustrated. “I want to get out of here, but it looks like I’m stuck for another five or six days. I’m really sorry.”

  Mandy clutched the receiver and tried to ignore her rising panic. She’d been desperate for her friend to arrive. Not only did she want to see Cassie, but she’d been hoping for a lot of good advice and a distraction. As it was, she spent all her time thinking about Rick and wondering what she was supposed to do now.

  “It must be nice to know they’re going to be lost without you,” Mandy said.

  “Yeah. I’m good at my job. If only my personal life wasn’t in the toilet.” She gave a sigh. “Oh, well. I suppose I can try to convince myself that things will soon be on an upswing, right?”

  “Absolutely. In the meantime, I’ll work on my tan and make you jealous.”

  Cassie laughed. “You use sunscreen with an SPF of about a hundred. How much tan do you think you’re going to get?”

  Mandy grinned. “It’s the thought that counts.” Her smile faded. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too. With a little luck, I’ll be there in a week.” There was a muffled noise in the background. “I have to run. I’ll call you later.”

  “Sure. Okay. Bye.”

  After hanging up, Mandy paced the length of the living room, then moved outside. But no matter how far she walked, her problems didn’t seem to get left behind. They dutifully followed her from place to place, which meant she was going to have to deal with them. Sooner rather than later.

  Like maybe now.

  She sank into a chair on the patio and closed her eyes. She loved Rick. Her assessment of the problem hadn’t changed. She loved him, she might have always loved him. So now what? Did she tell him the truth, like a mature adult, or did she run for the hills?

  Her preference was to lace up her athletic shoes, but she knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. Running would only make it worse in the long run.

  The problem was, she doubted he cared about her the same way. Oh, sure, the sex had been fabulous and they’d had a lot of fun together, but that didn’t mean anything. Not to a guy who believed that people were little more than elements of an experiment.

  Still, his belief system didn’t change her reality.

  She rose and walked back into the house. After sucking in a breath for courage, she picked up the phone and dialed his number from memory. She half expected him to have gone into the office, but he picked up on the first ring.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s me,” she said softly, her insides quaking. Great. If it was this bad from several miles away, what was going to happen when they were actually in the same room together? She found she didn’t want to think about it.

  “What’s up?”

  “I thought…” She cleared her throat. “I need to talk to you.”

  “I need to talk to you, too.”

  “Okay. I thought I’d come over. Is that all right?”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  He was waiting, Mandy thought thirty minutes later when she pulled into his driveway. Standing in front of his beautiful house, he watched her park. She didn’t allow herself the brief fantasy of what it would be like to live here. Geography was the least of her problems.

  She climbed out of the car and crossed to the brick path. Even from here she could see that Rick looked as tense as she felt. Not a good thing, she told herself.

  She’d left her purse in the car, so she shoved her car keys into her shorts pocket, then motioned to the house.

  “Want to go inside?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  He let her lead the way.

  She came to a stop in the center of the massive foyer. After a second she thought about moving to the living room, but figured she was too nervous to sit just now. Instead she folded her arms over her chest and faced him.

  He looked serious. No humor glinted in his eyes; his mouth was pulled in a straight line.

  Perfect, she thought grimly. This was so not how she wanted to declare her feelings. She sucked in a breath.

  “I’d like to go first, if that’s okay.”

  He nodded. Nothing in his expression gave away his thoughts. Her stomach flopped over.

  “So,” she said, her voice sounding strained. “The past couple of weeks have showed me that we have more than unfinished business between us. At least that’s true for me.” She dropped her arms to her sides, then slid her hands into her back pockets.

  “We talked about wanting closure. At first I believed that was possible, but now I don’t. Mostly because—” she shifted her weight “—I don’t think closure happens when one of the parties is still in love with the other.” No, that wasn’t right.

  “Maybe not still in love,” she amended. “Maybe back in love again. Or still. I don’t know.”

  Nothing. He didn’t say a word and he didn’t get any more readable. She sighed.

  “Okay. So here it is. I’m in love with you. I don’t know how much has always been there and how much is new. I just know that’s how I feel.”

  She pressed her lips together and waited. Rick didn’t budge. He continued to watch her, without saying a word. Her stomach flopped again, then twisted into a knot. Somehow she’d had the fantasy that he would want to sweep her up in his arms, declare that his feelings were the same, and that they would live happily ever after. Or some variation on that theme.

  “It sounds really great,” he said at last. “But what happens when things get tough? How long is it going to take you to run away again?”

  Ouch. That one hurt. “I’m not like that anymore,” she said. “I’ve changed. Just like you’re not the same person you were eight years ago.”

  “How do I know that? How do I know you won’t take off at the first sign of trouble?”

  She told herself that the fact he was worried about it was a good thing. It wasn’t as if he’d told her he wasn’t interested and then had showed her the door. Right?

  “You’ll have to trust me for now, then see what happens when things get difficult.”

  “That’s not good enough,” he told her.

  She glared at him. “Oh, right. Because you want a sure thing. So while we’re talking about people changing, what about you? You’re willing to take plenty of risks in your work, but not in your personal life. You want everything to be a certain way. You want to know the outcome in advance. Well, guess what? This is life, not some laboratory experiment. You don’t get a sure thing and you don’t get to know the outcome in advance. You have to take a few things on faith. Waiting for the sure thing is only an excuse not to try.”

  He didn’t respond. Her words seemed to echo in the two-story entrance. They reverberated, then crashed back in on Mandy.

  She felt as if a lightbulb had just gone off inside her head. Of course. She was guilty of what she’d accused Rick of doing. She’d been using the excuse of not being sure she would get it right to keep herself from trying. The point wasn’t to get it right, the point was to give a hundred percent. To love fully, to take risks and do the best she could.

  That’s what had been going on with Eva. Of course she wasn’t going to get it right all the time. No one would. But she could love her and be there for her, offering her a stable home and a secure environment.

  A calm settled over her as she realized she’d finally gotten it right.

  “Life isn’t an experiment,” she told Rick. “You won’t be able to predict the outcome on this one. You have to be willi
ng to risk it. I understand that’s scary. Especially with me. We’ve already failed once. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we made it this time?”

  He didn’t answer. Which was an answer in itself. Maybe he loved her, maybe he didn’t. Either way, he wasn’t willing to put his feelings on the line.

  She turned to leave.

  “Already running away?” he taunted.

  She shifted until she was looking at him again. “No. I’m running to something. I’m driving down to L.A. and filling out the paperwork so that I can become Eva’s foster mother. Then I’m going to start the adoption proceedings. Then I’ll bring her back to the beach house and we’ll start our new life together. I still love you and want us to be together. But I can’t make you pick me.”

  Her heart ached as she looked at him. Letting him go again would be the hardest thing she’d ever done. She hoped it didn’t come to that.

  “You know where I’ll be,” she said, and left.

  Rick watched her go, because he couldn’t seem to move his feet. He heard the sound of her car engine starting. Then she drove away.

  He wasn’t sure how long he stood in the foyer of his house, listening to the silence. He wasn’t sure of anything.

  Now what? The question echoed in his head. He told himself he would get on with his life. That things would be as they were before. This…interlude with Mandy had been interesting, but nothing more. They could never have made it. As for her loving him, she had demonstrated her feelings by walking away as soon as she declared them. Nothing had changed—certainly not her.

  But he didn’t believe those words. Not completely. He remembered her statement that this time she wasn’t running from something but to something. To Eva.

  Then he closed his eyes and imagined a blond little girl laughing as she played, and her redheaded mother watching over her. He thought of how right they looked together. How full their lives would be. How much they would love each other. And he ached.