“I just don’t believe they would suit,” Joan replied, lifting her chin a notch.
“So you’d prefer for her to marry the stranger whom your sire is bringing along?” Juliana thought she saw a wee bit of humor behind the abbess’s smile. Something about this woman appealed to her on a deep level. She sensed she would be nothing if not fair. Mother Mathilda leaned back in her chair with one hand rested on the desk.
“Nay! She’s not to marry!”
“Sister Joan, is your objection due to your personal feelings about men, or Juliana’s feelings? Because if you are passing your feelings on to your sister, I don’t think ’tis fair to her.”
Joan’s eyes misted and she swiped at one tear that had formed. “I don’t want her hurt.”
“Many women marry and are verra happy. Do you think Jennie Cameron is unhappy? You’ve had many dealings with her over the years.”
Joan squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “Nay, Mother Matilda. I believe she is happy.”
The abbess turned to Juliana, leaning toward her. “Is your heart set against marriage, child?”
Juliana stared at her hands. “Nay, I cannot say it is. I think it would please me to find a man to love and marry him. I thought Ruari could be that person and I accepted his suit, but only if Joan agreed.” She didn’t admit that he’d confessed to being prompted by Mother Mary to offer for her. That hurt too much to even say. Although he’d claimed he would have offered for her anyway, how could she ever know if that were true?
“And I do not agree.”
The abbess leaned back in her chair and folded her hands in her lap. “Sister Joan, I’m going to send you off to have a conversation with our Lord. You are to search your soul for the answer to this question: Are you doing what you think is in the best interest of your sister or in your own best interest?”
Emotion flashed through Joan’s eyes, then she got up and fled the solar, leaving Juliana more confused than ever.
***
Ruari stood outside the gates of the abbey with Padraig.
“Are you sure you wish to do this, cousin?” the younger man asked.
Ruari glanced up at the sky as the sun dipped lower on the horizon. “Aye, I do. If the abbess will allow it, I’d like to speak to her sister, see if I can convince her that Juliana and I will suit. Once their sire arrives, I’ll ask for an audience with him. I don’t want her marrying another.”
“Are you truly ready to declare for her?” Padraig asked, tipping his head with a wry grin. “This isn’t just pride?”
“Nay. I do have strong feelings for her. I think I do love her, but I’m not sure I know what love is.”
“Many say when you find the one, you’ll know. Instinct,” Padraig said as he patted the center of his chest. “Right here, you’ll know it.”
“Then she’s the one. I admit I’ve never felt this way about another lass. I don’t wish to lose her.”
Padraig clasped his shoulder. “Then I’ll send good wishes with you as you speak to the abbess. I’ll await your news right here.” He found a few blades of grass to chew on and leaned up against a big oak tree.
Ruari took a deep breath, moved to the entrance, and stepped into the area just inside the door. He told himself this would be much different than the situation at Stonecroft Abbey. To Mother Mary, he was no better than a passing rogue trying to get underneath a lass’s skirts, but the people of Lochluin Abbey knew him. They wouldn’t automatically think the worst of his intentions.
To his relief, Sister Grace greeted him immediately. She’d visited the keep many times to read to the children, and he’d always admired her sunny disposition.
“My lord Cameron. How lovely to see you. What can I do for you today?”
“Greetings, Sister Grace. I’d like to speak with Mother Matilda for a moment.”
Sister Grace giggled and covered her mouth. “I thought you were here to see Juliana. She’s such a sweet lass, is she not?”
He relaxed, his self-confidence restored. She clearly approved, to some level, of his courtship of Juliana.
“She is that and more, but I’m here to see the abbess, if you please.” He swallowed, trying to maintain the confidence to say everything that needed saying.
The nun disappeared for a few moments then returned rather quickly. “She said to come right along. She was hoping you’d stop to see her.”
Ruari followed Sister Grace down the passageway to the abbess’s chamber. She bid him to sit, and once he settled into a chair across from her desk, she didn’t hesitate to speak. “Your purpose, Lord Cameron?” Mother Matilda’s keen eyes settled on him.
He was more than familiar with the abbess, having spent a fair amount of time at the abbey over the years. Sometimes he escorted Jennie or Tara here to tend to the sick, and on several occasions he’d personally assisted the monks with various repairs to the building. On other trips, he’d brought the devout extra vegetables from the garden or baked goods from the kitchens. Never, as far as he knew, had he given Mother Mathilda a reason to think ill of him. She had a quick mind and a compassionate heart. He was hoping that her heart would be open to him.
“I’m here to offer for Juliana Clavelle. I’d like to make her my wife, but I understand her sister objects to the match.”
The abbess took his measure for a moment, readjusted herself in her seat, then leaned forward. “Tell me about your first marriage, Ruari. Although I was present at your wedding, of course, I rarely saw you and Doirin together. Were you happy?”
Leave it to her to cut straight to the point. No more lies, he vowed to himself. It was time to face his past so he could finally put it behind him. “Nay, we were not. We wanted different things. She wished to go to court.” He wasn’t sure how to explain the rest.
“And what are you looking for in a marriage?” Her gaze locked on him as she awaited his answer.
“I wish for a happy life on Cameron land. And I have always wanted bairns.”
“Lads or lasses?”
“I care not. I love my nieces and nephew equally.”
“And you are in love with the lass?”
He’d expected her to ask, but the question still flustered him. He did his best to share the full truth as he saw it. “I cannot say for certes yet, but I have verra strong feelings for the lady. I’d like to have her by my side forever. I think we would suit. Word has reached us that her sire is coming to see her, and I heard he might be bringing the man he’d like to see her marry. I’d like to convince him to accept my offer instead, and I’m hoping you will support me in this endeavor. I thought to speak with Sister Joan, also.”
Mother Mathilda nodded slightly and something inside him released. “Ruari, you have my support as I know you to be a fine, honorable man. I would like to see you happily married. Her sister is not feeling well at present. I would not recommend speaking with her. She’s still hoping for Juliana to take her vows, although I suspect the lass would not be a good fit for the church. I would suggest you put all your efforts into asking her sire. He should arrive midday on the morrow.” She stood, indicating their conversation had come to an end.
He stood, gave a small bow, and murmured, “My thanks to you, Mother Matilda.”
She said, “I wish for you to find as much happiness as your brother has found with Jennie.”
He smiled at the sentiment and left, heading down the stone passageway. It struck him that while the silence in the abbey had felt constricting when he was young, he now found it welcoming.
He stepped into the brisk night air, reveling in the smell of the fresh earth around them, the trees whistling in the wind.
Padraig was leaning against the tree, still chewing on his stalks of grass. “Are you pleased?”
“I suppose.”
Padraig stood up straight and quirked an eyebrow at him.
“Mother Matilda supports my offer, but she suggested that I speak with her sire rather than her sister. They’ll arrive on the morrow.”
Hellfire. That was a difficult question, yet he knew the answer. Still, he found he wasn’t ready to admit to it. “I don’t really know,” he hedged.
Padraig drawled, “Then mayhap you are not ready to ask for her hand yet.”
“’Tis not a fair question,” Ruari said in a quick retort, lowering his voice once he realized he’d raised it.
“Why does it matter if you’re Aedan’s second?’
Ruari scuffed his boot in the dirt and paced a bit before he replied. “Mayhap ’tis all about Aedan’s choices. He’s furious with me, and I fear he’d sooner give the job to someone else.” He wouldn’t tell Padraig he feared the job would go to him. If it did, he’d try to be happy for his cousin.
Padraig shrugged. “I think you’d be happier with a beautiful wife in your arms than being your brother’s second.”
Why couldn’t he have both?
Chapter Fourteen
Juliana chewed on a fingernail, hating the terrible habit, but unable to stop it since she was to meet the man her sire wished for her to marry in less than an hour. “How do I look, Joan? Do you like this gown on me?”
“You look lovely,” Joan said without looking. “I’m going to fetch us some food from the kitchens. I shall return shortly.” She left, closing the door behind her.
Her sister hadn’t said much else to her about marriage, instead choosing to speak of other things. They’d worked on her tapestry together, Joan exclaiming over how much her talent had developed, and spent time on her studies. Juliana desperately wished to learn how to read, so this endeavor pleased her immensely.
She’d shied away from the topics of men, marriage, and making bairns as much as Joan had. It brought out the worst in her sister, and she wished to enjoy their relationship.
They didn’t have much time left.
Juliana wore a dark gold gown that set off her light brown locks just right. She smoothed the skirts, afraid she would wrinkle them. Nerves raced through her, and she started pacing back and forth in the small chamber before she decided perhaps it would be best if she simply sat down and worked on her needlework. If she did, perhaps she could figure out what was missing from the piece. But that thought left her mind as quickly as it entered it. She had more important things on which to focus.
She’d lain awake most of the night, thinking of Ruari. How he’d made her feel. How wonderful it had felt being wrapped in his arms. How she’d loved their first kiss. And how much she’d wanted more of him…until…
The abbess of Stonecroft Abbey had interfered and made him promise to marry her. Well, perhaps “made” was too strong a word. It could be that she’d convinced him to marry her.
Only that word didn’t settle with her any better than the first. Promised, convinced, forced. Each of those were too strong. Each conveyed the idea that Ruari hadn’t intended to offer for her at all.
Was there a different way to approach it?
Encouraged? No.
Compelled? No.
Ordered? Absolutely not.
Suggested? Perhaps.
Her heart yearned to believe the handsome Highlander had come up with the idea on his own. That he loved her, or at least thought he could. That they could be truly happy together.
She knew it didn’t matter, that her sire would likely compel her to marry Ailbeart Munro, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Ruari. Mayhap she should just be grateful for the experience he’d given her? She knew how good it could feel to be close to a man, especially if that man was handsome, kind, and good, as she knew Ruari to be.
For all she knew, she might like kissing Ailbeart even more than she liked kissing Ruari. It seemed impossible, but if it happened, she’d know right away that it was meant to be.
Something about the idea sent her pulse to racing. What if she and Ailbeart were meant for each other? He’d wanted to marry her all along, and no one had coerced him into it. Mayhap such a test was just what she needed to read her heart.
Her sister returned with a tray of food. This time she did look at Juliana, and she heaved a defeated sigh. “Juliana, you look lovely, too lovely. I’d prefer you be dressed in a dreadful garment that hung loosely on you, hiding your womanly curves.”
She set down her needlework and frowned at her sister. “But why?”
“Because then Laird Munro wouldn’t be interested in you,” she said, avoiding eye contact.
“That would prove he’s rather shallow, would it not?” Juliana asked, folding her hands in her lap.
“Aye, it would be a testament to his true character. I hope you’ll see that part of him.”
“You don’t wish for me to marry Ailbeart Munro, do you?” Juliana asked, refusing to ignore her sister’s attitude toward the possible match.
“Nay, it would not be my first preference for you. I can tell you’re confused about what you want, just as I was at your age. You talked so strongly about Ruari, now you’re eager to meet Ailbeart. We shall wait and see. I think his character will stand out to you. I must trust in your feelings more.” She leaned down and hugged her. “I just wish the best for you, and I forget that you’ve grown and can think for yourself. The abbess is correct. Ruari Cameron is an honorable man, and if you choose to marry, he would indeed be an admirable choice.”
She hugged Joan back, then pulled away. “Aye, you have the right of it. I don’t know what I want. I’ll think on it after I meet Laird Munro. I suppose it would be nice to be married to a laird.”
“I must say your needlework is lovely. Tell me again why you chose this design?” Joan asked, tipping her head to get a better look at the tapestry.
“The image came to me in my dreams one night. ’Tis a meadow full of lavender in full bloom. I’ve not seen one like it before, but I’m hoping it will be in my future someday soon. I’m making it for my new home, wherever ’tis.”
“Juliana, ’tis most lovely,” Joan said, her eyes shining. “I hope ’twill be in your future.”
“Do you think Laird Munro’s land looks like this? Could it be a sign of my new home? ’Tis missing something, but I cannot deduce what it might be. Mayhap it is meant to be a rendering of my husband’s castle.” It would be so easy if someone could tell her the right answer. If, perhaps, the wall hanging depicted the meadow leading to Munro land. Then she would know what was right for certes. Then she’d know she wasn’t making a horrible mistake.
Except the thought of marrying Laird Munro made her heart feel as if it were being split in two. Did she really wish to marry Ruari? Was that the source of the conflict between her mind and heart?
Sister Grace appeared in the doorway and said, “Your sire is here and would like to see you both. The abbess has arranged for you to have the hall just to yourselves for a short time. She’s ordering a small repast for your guests.”
Juliana stood, hardly able to believe the moment was upon them. She stood up, smoothed her skirts for the hundredth time, pinched her cheeks for color, and stepped into the passageway, her sister behind her.
“You need not do that,” Joan said in a small voice.
“Do what?” she stared at her sister, awaiting her explanation.
“Pinch your cheeks. A man shouldn’t decide whether or not they like you based on your appearance.” She stepped ahead of Juliana, taking the lead into the hall.
“What else do they have to base their decision upon?” Juliana asked, puzzled at her comment. Of course, a chieftain’s wife must be beautiful.
Mustn’t she?
They entered the hall so she never received an answer to her question. Their sire called out to them and they hastened to greet him.
But then her eyes landed on Ailbeart Munro.
He was more than handsome, he was dashing. He wore his dress plaid, shades
of gray, black, and green, over a white leine. His hair was a light brown, with a beard to match, though he kept it short. He had a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but it struck her that he was staring at her with fixed interest.
This handsome man had eyes only for her.
She curtsied to him as they neared the table where the two men had been seated, then she and Joan both greeted their sire.
“My, but you are a beauty, my lady,” Laird Munro said. “When have I ever seen a lass as lovely as you?”
The way he said it, so precise and sure of himself, caught her by surprise.
He gave her a slight bow. “I’m sure your sire has told you that I wish to make you my wife, Lady Juliana. Now I’m certain you’ll suit me just fine. May we set a date for a sennight from now in my castle? ’Twould be most appropriate because you’ll be lady of the Munro keep, so why not marry there?”
Juliana glanced at her sire and sister, not knowing how to answer. Her sister moved her to a chair and settled her while the men sat back down.
Her sister wasn’t ready to sit yet. “And how many wives would Juliana make for you, Ailbeart?”
Juliana nearly flinched at the sound of his given name from her sister’s lips.
“Laird to you, Sister Joan. And she will be my second and last wife. As a nun, it should be none of your affair.” His voice dropped to a menacing tone that made her flinch.
Juliana couldn’t help but look to her sister, waiting for her reaction.
“Ailbeart,” Joan ground out. “My sister will not choose to be your wife, you can be certain of it, so go home.”
Their sire’s face turned a surprising shade of red. “Joan, you will keep your thoughts to yourself,” he bellowed. “I have brought Laird Munro here to see if the two suit. This is not your affair. What has possessed you to speak in such a crude manner?”
Joan spun on her heel and stalked out of the great hall without another word.
Why did her sister dislike Ailbeart Munro so much?
***
Ruari paced outside, wishing Juliana’s sire would hurry. The abbess had agreed to arrange a meeting with Clavelle near the stables of the abbey.
The Banished Highlander Page 9
