About four hours later we arrive at the airport in Atlanta. I have no idea why we didn’t just fly out of Savannah, but I gave up trying to understand the U.S. Army a long time ago. We board the planes and soon we’re on our ten hour flight to Germany and from there we’ll head to Afghanistan. No one knows where exactly we’re going and once we find out we can’t discuss it with our families and friends either. It sucks, but it’s for our own safety. You never know who’s spying on you or out to hurt you. One would think that after two tours I’m prepared for what’s to come, but the truth is – you’re never really prepared for war. It’s ugly and unpredictable. All you can do is rely on your instincts and your training. I try not to think about it too much right now. I’ll have to deal with it soon enough.
The guys around me are laughing and joking while I sit down to write my first letter to Faith. I need to respond to her.
I smile. Faith is in for a surprise. I’ve always liked a challenge. I think Faith might become my favorite challenge yet.
Chapter 5
Faith
It has been two weeks since I’ve seen Seth. When I found out that Skye was going to send him off, I knew I had to give her a letter for him. It wasn’t easy to confess my love for him.
I love him - there’s no denying it. He changed something inside of me when I met him at the bar. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Reality is that I know it is better for me to walk away before I get burned. I’ve worked too hard to get past my childhood to have it all scrambling down around me again. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, yet I know the weak, scared girl is still in there just waiting to surface. I’d be damned if I let it happen. Seth can crush my whole world in seconds - that much I’m certain of.
I’m just getting home from my workout at the gym and Jordan is in the kitchen cooking.
“Hey, babe, did you have a good day? I cooked for us,” he greets me.
“It was okay. What’s cooking?”
“I’m making my mom’s famous lasagna. It’ll be ready in about thirty minutes.”
“Yummy. I’ll just hop in the shower real quick.”
Even though I know I love Seth, I can’t bring myself to break up with Jordan. I know it’s not fair to him, but I’m selfish and need him around. Just the thought of sleeping alone again scares me. I’ve become so used to our routine and I don’t want to lose him.
When I finish up my shower, I walk out to the dining room. There are candles, white roses and music is playing in the background. “What is this?”
“What do you think?” Jordan asks as he walks up to me.
“It’s... beautiful. But why?”
“Just because. I just wanted to make my girlfriend feel special. Why don’t you sit down while I bring out the food?”
Speechless I just nod. I don’t know what Jordan has planned, but I’m nervous. I can’t put my finger on it.
He brings out a plate and I salivate. It looks and smells delicious.
We fall into conversation while we eat dinner. Being around Jordan is easy. He makes me laugh, he’s caring, and he loves me. I see it in the way he looks at me.
He walks over to the stereo and turns on Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are”. I look at him suspiciously.
My suspicions are confirmed when he gets down on one knee in front of me. Shit. This isn’t good. He fishes a red box out of his pockets. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Faith, I know our relationship didn’t start in the most traditional way. When I first met you, I knew I had to make you mine. You light up the room whenever you walk in. You make my world look less gray every day. I love everything about you. I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you in it. Will you please do me the honor of marrying me?”
I gasp when he opens the box. Inside of it is a beautiful princess cut diamond ring. I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing and just stare at the ring.
“Faith? Say something please?” Jordan pulls me out of my trance after several moments.
“I’m sorry. I’m just shocked - I didn’t expect this.”
“That’s not an answer, Faith.” I can tell he’s getting impatient with me. I’m torn. I know I love him, but I’m not in love with him. As I contemplate my next move, my need for safety wins over.
“Yes, Jordan, I will marry you.”
“Thank God. You had me worried for a minute.” He lets out a breath and slides the ring on my finger.
“Do you like the ring?”
“Of course. It’s beautiful.” He kisses me gently as if he is asking permission. We haven’t been intimate with each other since our little fuck session a couple of weeks ago.
“What are you thinking about? I can literally hear the wheels turning in your head.”
“Oh, it’s nothing really. I just never saw myself here a year ago. Living with someone. Engaged. It’s all still new to me.”
“You make it sound like that’s a bad thing. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. I can wait, Faith.”
“No, it’s not that. I just have to get used to all this. You have to understand that I’ve never been in a relationship before you, Jordan. We may have been together for over a year, but this is still new to me. Sometimes I think I’m gonna wake up and it’s all just a dream.”
“It’s not. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere either. I’m in this for the long haul. I love you, Faith.”
“You too.” I can’t bring myself to say the L-word. It feels wrong saying it to Jordan. Dammit. I’m going to marry this guy. I better get over this and I better do it fast. He deserves to have all of me. I don’t even know what that means though. Jordan knows nothing about my past. He asked me a couple of times, but I always brush him off. I can’t talk about it. It’s too hard.
We spend the rest of the night curled up on the couch watching movies. I let him carry me to bed and make love to me, but my head’s not in the game. Thoughts of Seth keep invading my mind. I’m such a mess. How the hell did I get here?
A few days later, I’m on my way to Caige’s house. I haven’t seen him in a while and I need to talk to him. He can always help me get my thoughts and feelings straightened out. I haven’t told anyone about the engagement yet.
Caige opens the door almost immediately. I can’t help but admire my friend. He’s no longer the tall skinny dude that I have known for years. His time in the army buffed him up and if he wasn’t like a brother to me I’d definitely be attracted to him.
“Hey, Squirt. It’s good to see you.” He hugs me. Caige’s hugs are the best. For just a moment I can forget everything around me and be comforted by my friend.
“One of these days you’ll get tired of that damn nickname. I don’t even know how you came up with it.”
“You’ll never know and I’ll never get tired of it. Come in.”
He leads me into the living room where we sit down.
“I was about to watch Pitch Perfect when you called. Figured I’d wait for you. I know you love that movie.”
“Umm... You’re watching Pitch Perfect? Are you gay all of a sudden?”
“No, I just really like the movie. It’s hilarious.”
“Can we talk before we watch the movie?”
“Sure, what’s bothering you?”
Instead of answering, I hold out my hand and let the ring speak for itself.
“Wait? What? Is this what I think it is?”
“Yes. Jordan asked me and I said yes.”
“But I thought you love Seth? Help me out here, I’m confused.”
“I do love Seth, but it’s not enough. He will shatter me, Caige. I need to stay away. It’s better this way.”
“For who? That guy loves you with all his heart and you’re just gonna throw it away because you’re scared? And to make matters worse you’re gonna marry a guy you’re not in love with? Wake up, Faith. This is wrong on so many levels. You need to stop pushing people away.”
“What the fuck do you want me to do? I’ve been with Jordan for ove
r a year. Should I just throw that away?”
“People break up all the time, Faith. It’s not the end of the world. He’ll get over it and in a few years he’ll thank you for it.”
“He loves me. I know he would never hurt me. You of all people should understand my need to be safe, to know my heart won’t be broken. I can’t risk it. I want to, but everything in me says I shouldn’t.”
“Sweetheart, every once in a while you have to take chances. You’ve come so far, you can’t let your fear be in the way of something great.”
“He’s married.”
“He’s getting divorced, Faith. When he gets back from deployment, he’ll be a free man.”
“What if he falls out of love with me in a few years? What if we end up hating each other like Krystal and him?”
“You’re different, Faith. I’ve known Seth for a while and he has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. This is the real deal.”
“I can’t, Caige. I just can’t.” He pulls me to him and hugs me. I let the tears fall freely. The feelings I have for Seth are so confusing.
“It’s okay, Squirt. You’ll get there on your own time. Now, let’s watch the movie.”
Caige and I hang out most of the evening and when I get home I head into my office to pull out the letter from Seth. I read it for what feels like the millionth time.
Sitting down at my desk I finally write my response.
Tears are staining the paper. Telling him to let me go is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know it’s the right thing to do though. No one should have to carry the weight of my past on their shoulders. I check my phone and see that I have a missed call from Aunt Martha. I hit the call button to call her back.
“Hey, darling, how are you?” She almost immediately answers the phone.
“I’m good, Aunt Martha. How about yourself?”
“Everything’s fine. I just wanted to check up on you and see if you wanted to come over for dinner sometime this weekend?”
“I’d love that. Just tell me a time and I’ll be there.”
“How about Friday evening around seven? We can get a few bottles of wine and just chat. You’re welcome to stay the night here. We haven’t spent time with each other in a long time.”
“You got yourself a date, Aunt Martha.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you then. Love you, darling.”
“I love you too, Aunt Martha.”
We hang up and I’m in a lighter mood. Caige and Aunt Martha are the only family I have known in years. Shortly after my dad was arrested, Aunt Martha was able to convince DFCS that her house was the best option for me. I’d forever be grateful that she fought for me and didn’t hand me over to foster care. Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people who stick by your side no matter what, accept you for who you are, and don’t ever try to change you. It took me a while to accept that they really loved me and weren’t out to hurt me. In Aunt Martha’s care, I managed to finish high school, and was accepted into Savannah State University on a scholarship. College had never been an option when I was still with my dad. My new family encouraged me to dream big and reach for the stars. I wanted nothing more than to make them proud. I wanted to show them they didn’t make a mistake when they took in the strange runaway.
My life hasn’t been easy. I still struggle with my past. Through the support of my friends I have learned not to let it stop me though and just take one day at a time.
Chapter 6
Seth
I have been in this shithole for almost six weeks now. I just want to have this deployment over with and get back home so I can fight for Faith.
Faith – she’s all I think about. Her last letter crushed me. She told me to find someone else to make me happy. Truth is, there is no one on this planet that can make me happier than she would. The feelings I have for her are bewildering, but Faith is it - that much I’m sure of. Now I just have to convince her of the same thing.
We’re in between missions. In my downtime, I decide to check up on my messages on Facebook. I hate social media, but it’s the best way to keep up with my friends back home.
Once I’m caught up on all the messages, I decide to type in Faith’s name and there she is. Browsing through her pictures, I can’t believe how beautiful she is. Looking at her makes me long for her even more. Dammit. Maybe this was a bad idea. I feel like a damn stalker going through her pictures, but I can’t help myself. My cursor hovers over the “Add as friend” button for a while until I finally have the balls to click it. She’s gonna think I’m some creeper.
I go back to browse through my newsfeed to see what all my friends are up to. Mainly I’m spammed with drama, pictures of children, and the latest gossip. Nothing has changed on the book of faces. I’m about to log out when my messenger pings at me. It’s Faith.
Faith: Hey, soldier. How’s it going?
Me: Hey, beautiful. It’s going okay. Just got back from a mission, so now I have some downtime till we go back out again. How are you?
Faith: I’m doing fine. Working a lot, the usual. I’m glad to see you’re doing alright. I worry about you.
She worries about me - that’s a start at least.
Me: You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.
Faith: That’s a promise we both know you can’t make. But I’ll hold you to it. Anyways, did you get my letter?
I think about my response. I could deny that I got the letter and act like it never happened or I could ask her about it to convince her she’s wrong.
Faith: Hello? Still there?
Me: I’m still here. Yes, I got your letter. To be completely honest, it crushed me. There’s no one else for me, Faith. It’s you and only you. Thinking about a life without you is devastating.
Faith: Seth, it can’t happen. Please understand that. We’re not good for each other.
Me: Why the fuck not? I don’t see anything wrong with us being together. I love you and you love me. Isn’t that what matters?
Faith: Sometimes it isn’t enough. I just can’t, Seth. It doesn’t matter what my heart wants, my mind says no.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense. Mine and Krystal’s divorce will be final in two months. I don’t see what’s stopping us now. I love you for fuck’s sake!
Faith: I’m engaged to Jordan. I’m sorry, Seth.
What the fuck? She’s engaged? When the fuck did that happen? I’m gonna lose my fucking mind. All I want to do is scream. Why the fuck would she do this? She doesn’t even love the guy.
Faith: Seth, please don’t be mad...
Me: Mad? That’s an understatement. I’m fucking outraged. Why, Faith? Why? You don’t love him. We both know that. Stop lying to yourself. We can be good together. You just have to give me a fucking chance to prove it to you.
Faith: There’s nothing to prove. You broke my heart before, and I don’t think I can handle it again when you decide that I’m not enough. I don’t want to end up like Krystal and you. I don’t want us to hate each other. I was doing fine before you. No boyfriends, no strings, just plain old fun. Then I meet you and you turn my world upside down, just to walk out on me that night and crush my heart. I can’t do it again. It’ll kill me. You’re the best fucking thing ever to walk into my life, but you’re also the worst. I’m not as strong as you think I am. There’s a lot of weakness behind my façade. I love you more than I’ll ever love Jordan, or anybody for that matter, but I can’t and I won’t do it.
Me: Is that what this is about? Me leaving you that night? Do you really think it was easy for me? I knew if I stayed I would’ve never been able to leave again. You’re like a drug – I can’t get enough of you. That scares the piss out of me. I have NEVER felt anything like this before. Not for Krystal. Not for any other girl. Krystal was a convenience. YOU are everything to me. I’d do anything for you. Anything. I love you so fucking much I can barely breathe just thinking about it. Do you know how fucking hard it is to concentrate
on a mission when all I think about is you? I’ve tried to walk away, but I can’t. I always find myself coming back to you. Please, Faith, just think about it.
Faith: You say you will do anything for me. Then please, I beg you, just let me go. It’s better for you. We’ll destroy each other. The feelings I have for you – it’s not healthy. I want to stay friends, but I understand if you don’t want that.
She is using my own damn words against me. She’s right - I will do anything for her. If that means letting her go, for now, then I will. But as soon as I get back from deployment I won’t stop until she’s back in my arms. I don’t want to live a life where’s she’s not by my side. For now I’ll do what she’s asking me and be her friend. How do I always end up in these situations?
Me: Ouch. You’re putting me in the friend zone? Really? Fine. I’m not happy about this, but I did say I will do anything for you. I have to go. It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow. Keep an eye out for a letter. I’ll send it soon.
Faith: Thank you, Seth. Be safe! Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight, sweetheart.
I lie awake in bed for what feels like forever. Sleep is nowhere to be found. It’s three in the damn morning and yet I find myself getting up to head to the gym. I really need to let off some steam. That conversation did not go the way I wanted it to go. Fuck.
I’m in the middle of bench pressing when Tyler, one of my fellow soldiers, walks in.
“Everything alright, man?” he asks me.
“No. Nothing is fucking alright. I have a psycho soon-to-be-ex-wife and the girl of my dreams is engaged to some surfer douchebag that she doesn’t even love. I know she loves me, she even admitted it. You know what’s the worst part? I’m stuck here for another fucking seven months and can’t even fight for her. Fuck this shit. Why did I ever sign up to do this again? I was gonna get out.”
Uncovering Peace Page 5
