by Tefft, Cyndi
“Don’t get me wrong. I love you and I love being a mom, but I always wondered what could have been, how my life might have turned out if I’d gone. And you…” her eyes were tender as she gazed at me across the table, “you have that chance now, to choose what you want to do and follow your dreams. I have to admit, it makes me a little jealous.”
Cards be damned, she grabbed the whisky bottle and took a swig, foregoing the shot glass altogether. The announcer on the television started counting down as the ball dropped in Times Square. We both turned, watching it in silence.
“Three, two, one. Happy New Year!” the television chimed. Mom’s eyes misted with tears. I got up and hugged her from behind, and she put her hand on my arm.
“Happy New Year, Mom. Thanks for being here with me.”
She turned to look at me, a real smile on her face. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, sweetheart. I love you.” I kissed the top of her head and yawned, then turned in for the night, leaving her to her memories and the rest of the whisky.
Chapter 26
Stephanie called on Saturday night and asked if I wanted to go to a movie, which lifted my spirits considerably. When I got to the dorm, she and Jen gave me awkward hugs, afraid to hurt me by squeezing too hard. It was weird being in my dorm room again, seeing the empty bottom bunk where I normally slept. It was home and I missed it.
“So what movie are we going to see?” I asked, not caring, just thankful to be with my friends again. Jen rolled her eyes dramatically.
“Well, the guys wanted to see Death Raiders and Steph wanted to see Sarah’s Promise.” She poked her finger in her mouth and made a gagging sound, then laughed when Steph smacked her on the shoulder. “But I convinced them it would be more fun to see a comedy, so we’re going to go to Vacation at Woody’s.”
“The guys are coming, huh?” It made sense that Jen and Steph would want to hang out with their boyfriends, but since Ravi lived in the same dorm, I knew he’d be coming, too. My pulse quickened at the thought of seeing him again and I told myself I was being ridiculous. A knock sounded at the door.
Paul, Micah and Ravi waited while we grabbed our coats and followed them into the hall. The January drizzle stuck to my eyelashes as we walked to the movie theater. Paul and Jen walked in front, followed by Micah and Steph, with me and Ravi bringing up the rear by default. He fidgeted nervously and I tried to break the tension.
“Hey, the cut on your forehead healed up really well,” I said. “I can barely even see where the stitches were.”
He rubbed the spot absently and nodded with a shy smile. “You’re looking really good, too. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ve been kinda worried about you, to be honest.” He spoke the last words to the sidewalk, and I remembered the last time he saw me, I’d been completely freaking out. Guilt flooded through me.
“Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.”
“You’re sorry? You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I’m the one who was driving.”
I touched him on the arm and stopped walking. “Let’s make a deal. No more saying ‘I’m sorry,’ okay? Let’s just have fun tonight and try to forget about it.” He took my hand as we continued to walk and I stiffened, thinking maybe I shouldn’t have made that first contact. When we got to the theater and he let go to pay for his ticket, I stuffed my hands in my coat pocket and kept them there.
The movie was pretty lame and the other two couples quickly lost interest, choosing to entertain themselves with hands and lips instead. Ravi sat next to me in the darkened theater and his thigh pressed against mine in the tightly packed seats. His hand rested within easy reach on his leg, obviously available should I choose to hold it. Instead, I hugged myself close, pretending to be engrossed in the movie. I caught glimpses of him watching me out of the corner of my eye and occasionally turned to smile at him.
For crying out loud, Lindsey! This is misery. You have to do something.
Finally, the credits rolled and our friends disentangled themselves. Back in the cool night air, we decided to head to our favorite 24-hour restaurant for some coffee and dessert. All six of us crammed into a semi-circle booth, which left me pressed up against Ravi again. Paul started talking about taking Calculus for Jan term, which we all agreed was an awful choice, and Ravi offered to help him out if he needed it, having already taken a slew of math classes in preparation for his engineering degree. Stephanie was taking an Art History class, Jen was working on political science and Micah was retaking an English composition course that he’d failed last year.
I asked Ravi what class he was taking and he replied, “Piano. I’ve been working on writing some songs for the band anyway, so I thought I might as well get credit for it. Besides, this way I can spend more time working on my music and not feel guilty about it. Are you still interested in singing for our band?” He’d asked me to be the singer for their band before the accident. Before everything. It seemed like a million years ago now, but I still wanted to do it.
“Yeah, it sounds fun. When do we practice?”
Micah piped up, “We’re gonna start on Tuesday night at the music hall. Todd said he’ll bring his drum set. You reserved the room, right, Ravi?”
He nodded, then turned back to stare at me, purposefully taking my hand under the table. He stroked my palm with his thumb and I tried to concentrate on the conversation, which had moved on to which concerts were coming to Portland. I fidgeted and played with my hair as the heat from Ravi’s gaze burned the side of my face. I didn’t look at him—I couldn’t—and I breathed a sigh of relief when the others finally stood up to leave.
We paid our respective tabs and headed back out into the cold, drizzly night. Ravi intentionally held back from the rest of the group as we walked, taking the first opportunity to hold my hand again. When I hesitated, he stopped abruptly and stared at me.
“You don’t want to touch me, do you? Is it really that bad?”
“It’s not you, Ravi. I just… I can’t explain it.”
Instead of dropping my hand, he took my other one and drew me toward him, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I never meant to hurt you and I’d do anything to take it back, to make it go away. What can I do? Tell me, and it’s yours.” I just stood there, blinking at him, inhaling his warm breath.
“It makes me crazy to be so close to you and to not touch you, to not kiss you, to see the pain in your eyes and know that you’re hurting because of me.” Guilt poured over me, biting the back of my neck, and I tried to pull free but he held me close and continued, determined. “I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you, but I promise I will. I’ll find a way.”
“You don’t have to make it up to me. I just can’t… it’s not the same between us anymore and I don’t think it ever will be. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t be with you anymore. Not like that. I’m sorry.”
His body registered my words like bad news he’d been expecting, but did not accept. “Fine. Friends—for now. But I want you to know I’ll be here waiting when you’re ready. I’m not giving up. You mean too much to me.”
I couldn’t meet his gaze. He released me and the cold fingers of the night wrapped around me, emphasizing how alone I felt.
God, why did you bring me back? This is killing me.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.” I was dreading an awkward goodnight and my steps grew heavy as we approached my front door. We stood there a moment until he said, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gave me a half-hearted smile, then turned and walked away. I stared after him, the fine drops of rain collecting on my eyelashes and the light from the porch lamp throwing liquid rainbows on his retreating figure.
Chapter 27
Light from a table lamp pooled in the corner of the dark living room, and the green glow from the digital clock told me midnight had come and gone. I crept upstairs, careful not to wake up my mom, and crawled into bed, my head swimming with emotion. The sound of Mom’s mumbled voice through the wall
interrupted my thoughts and I felt a pang of guilt that I’d been too noisy. A deep rumbling voice responded to her and I froze. She giggled and began to make low, humming noises. He responded with moans of pleasure and the bedsprings began a predictable rhythm.
My stomach clenched in knots as I tried to block out the sound of Mom and Nick having sex on the other side of the thin wall. I lay stock still on the bed with my fingers in my ears and the pillow over my face, anger and revulsion churning within me. As their voices grew louder, so did the screaming in my head. Finally, I threw back the covers and pulled on some clothes.
I stomped down the stairs, grabbed my coat and slammed the door on my way out of the apartment, then strode off into the dark until I was out of earshot and let out a scream of frustration. Rain lashed my face and dripped down the nape of my neck but I didn’t care. My mind conjured images of my mother and Nick in the bedroom, her eyes flirting like that night at the symphony, and I wanted to throw up. I pounded my temples with my palms to try and dislodge the images but that just drove them further in.
My feet sloshed through puddles as I ran, the chill wicking up my socks. My lungs burned with the effort and I swore out loud, remembering how easy it had been to run in the meadow where I’d met Aiden. I slipped on a wet patch of grass and landed on my butt, scraping my hands. My palms stung with dirt and blood while I sat on the soggy ground and cried, wishing with all my heart that I could be back with Aiden again.
“God, help me!” I shouted to the milky night sky as my body shook with cold and anger. I searched the heavens for some answer, wishing they would open up and take me home again. Car lights blinded me momentarily and the driver pulled up next to me, rolling down his window.
“Miss, are you okay?”
I nodded irritably and waved him on. Soaked clear through and shivering, I stood up and tried to brush off the mud, wincing at the sting in my palms. The driver muttered something and drove off, his tires sending an arc of dirty water across my legs. I turned and trudged back to the apartment, defeated and depressed.
The apartment was mercifully quiet when I returned and I stripped off my clothes, leaving them in a sopping heap on the floor. I crawled into bed and lay there numb, physically and mentally, until exhaustion finally brought sleep.
My dreams were filled with images of my mom and Nick, my parents fighting, and the memory of Aiden running after me with his arms outstretched. After a fitful night, I woke with swollen, stinging eyes and a pounding headache, so I took a couple of ibuprofen and went downstairs to make coffee, hoping the caffeine would help improve my mood. A gurgle in the pipes told me that Mom and Nick were showering. I blared the television to try and block out the sound.
Coffee in hand, I tucked myself into a ball at the end of the couch and glared at the television as if it had somehow wronged me. A blonde woman with fake boobs and a matching smile was hawking jewelry on the shopping network and I tried to channel my irritation toward her. Nick came down the stairs, the picture of cheer, my mother right behind him.
“Good morning, Lindsey!” he practically sang, giving me his best 1000-watt smile. He stopped at the bottom of the steps and kissed my mother goodbye.
“I wish you could stay,” she pouted.
“I wish I could too, but I have to go. I’ve got to drop off that contract at Major & Sons or I won’t be able to write off my mileage as a business expense. You are my favorite customer to visit, you know,” he said with a wink. “I’ll try and come back next weekend, all right?” He kissed her on the nose and she swatted him playfully.
“Have a great day, Lindsey!” he chimed to me as he left and I gave him my most menacing glare. Mom saw it and descended on me as soon as he closed the front door.
“What the hell was that for?”
“Don’t even start with me. You know exactly what that was about.”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
I rolled my eyes and gripped my coffee cup until my knuckles were white. “Don’t play innocent, Mom. Next time, warn me before he comes to stay so I don’t have to spend all night wandering the streets to try and get away from the sound of you two having sex right next to me.” If I thought she was going to be apologetic, I was wrong. She shook her head and curled up her lip in disdain.
“Oh, grow up, Lindsey.”
Livid, I jumped off the couch, my eyes narrowed into slits. “Me, grow up? Me, really? Aren’t you always the one who told me I should wait to have sex until I was married? And here you are, doing it with your boyfriend, and you don’t even care that I’m trying to sleep in the very next room? Yeah, that’s real mature, Mother.” I spat out the words in disgust, anger boiling in my guts.
“Listen, young lady. I’m a grown woman and I can do what I like. I don’t have to answer to you. Besides, he’s really a good guy, which you would find out if you ever gave him half a chance.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he is,” I said, my voice filled with venom. “I mean, what’s not to love? He’s tall, dark and handsome. Oh yeah, and he just happens to cheat on his taxes and destroyed my family by fucking a married woman!”
She drew back and slapped me hard across the face, the sound echoing in the small room. My hand flew to my stinging cheek and I stared at her, shaking with resentment. Her eyes were hard and her voice came out in a hiss.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that. I am your mother, Lindsey Marie, and I don’t care if you disagree with the choices I’ve made, you will not disrespect me. Do you understand?”
I clenched my jaw and met her gaze, not backing down. Silence stretched between us, the clock ticking loudly on the wall. To my surprise, she barked out a disdainful laugh and shook her head.
“I swear, you are just as stubborn as I am. It used to drive my mother crazy. She always said I’d be cursed with a daughter just like me. I guess she was right.” Her face was bitter and distant as she sat down on the couch and clicked off the television.
“You don’t understand, Lindsey. You think you do, but you don’t. Hell, I thought I knew everything when I was your age too, but I didn’t. Why should you be any different?” She spoke the words to the blank screen on the television. I sat down in the chair across from her, wary and confused by her response.
“Try me.” The words hung there, unanswered. After a long pause, she sighed and looked up at me dejectedly.
“Do you understand what it’s like to have your dreams stripped away from you in one fell swoop, to give up a life you always wanted, to wake up one day and find yourself an empty shell of a person and not even want to live? Do you know what it’s like to be caught between two men, one who is steady and faithful, who says that he loves you and yet doesn’t really understand the ache inside of you,” she clutched her fist to her chest with a hollow look in her eyes, “and another who is wild and dangerous, who fills your senses and makes you feel alive, but that you can’t be with, that you have to hide? Do you understand that?” Her words pierced my soul and I could hardly breathe, my eyes misting with tears. She gave me a sad shake of her head.
“No, I didn’t think so. And honest to God, I hope you never do.” She went back up the stairs, leaving me staring at the wall.
Mom and I came to an unspoken truce after that and I didn’t bring up the subject again. When Nick stayed over the following weekend, I informed her that I was going to be out late with my friends, so I’d just sleep at the dorm. She nodded silently as understanding passed between us.
~
“Everything is looking great, Lindsey,” the doctor said during my final check-up in late January. “The cut on your arm didn’t heal up quite as well as I would have liked. I was hoping you wouldn’t have much of a scar on your arm, but you did lose some of the surrounding skin, so I’m afraid it’s here to stay.”
“I’m all right with a battle scar here and there.” After all I’d been through, a thin pink mark on my arm was nothing. With a clean bill of health, I could go back to living in the dorm, could get back
to some semblance of a normal life.
Mom and I packed up our things from the apartment, a melancholy tension between us. “I know it’s been a rough month and I’m not the easiest person to live with. Just ask your father,” she said as she sat on the bed. “But I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you better, as a young woman instead of just a little girl. I’m really proud of you honey, and I’m going to miss you.” I stopped packing and sat next to her, patting her on the leg.
“Thanks, Mom. Truthfully, I feel like I never really knew you before, not really. I mean, you were always just my mom and it hadn’t occurred to me that there was more to you than that. I know that sounds stupid, but I guess I just never thought about it.”
She laughed and put her hand over mine. “It’s not stupid. You never needed to know me as more than just your mom. Now that you’re a woman… well, maybe we can be friends, too.” She smiled hopefully and I gave her a tight squeeze.
“Definitely. I love you, Mom.”
She bit her lip a little as a rush of emotion flashed across her features, but quickly regained her usual strength and control. “I love you, too, sweetheart.”
Chapter 28
Since I’d only audited a French history class during the January term, I had to take a pretty heavy load of courses during the spring semester to catch up. I spent almost all my free time studying, which forced me to focus on something productive instead of wallowing in the ever-present ache of missing Aiden.
The first band practice with Ravi, Micah and Todd was a welcome distraction. We rehearsed every other day, which made it hard to get all my studying done, but I really looked forward to it. I arrived at practice early one night to find Ravi at the school’s baby grand piano, his eyes closed, his fingers running effortlessly over the keys. The hauntingly beautiful melody echoed in the empty room. He must have sensed my presence because he abruptly stopped playing.
