by Tefft, Cyndi
My God, my God
My heart is pierced, my foundation shaken
I’m pressing hard against the dam but it’s not enough
I can’t keep the pain at bay
The leaks are killing me, memories of joy stripped away
Flashes of love, a smile, a touch and the ache starts again
You’re there, God, I can feel you near
But you don’t save me from despair
Your love keeps me breathing, keeps me moving
But I don’t understand your ways
Bring peace again, my God
Give me strength to bear the pain
Make me whole again, Lord
And hold me through the flood
I am not God, I am barely even me
My heart is battered in this storm
Make me whole again, Lord
And hold me through the flood
Ravi finished reading and sat staring at the journal in his hands. “Wow,” he said and finally looked up at me, his face stricken and awed at the same time. “That’s beautiful. I had no idea you felt that way.” I couldn’t meet his gaze but when he set the journal on my knees, I clutched it tight. “I know I’m not supposed to say ‘I’m sorry’ anymore, but…” his voice trailed off as he grappled for words. “Actually, everything I want to say is off limits.” He sighed in frustration.
“Screw it,” he muttered under his breath and put his arms around me in a firm embrace. His breath was hot against my cheek and he whispered “I love you” before he kissed my temple and released me, then left the room without another word. I stared helplessly after him, tears dropping unchecked onto the swirling pink L of the journal in my lap.
Chapter 32
Tension built steadily during the last few weeks of the school year. Stephanie decided things were moving too fast with Micah and suggested they take things slow. He didn’t respond well and she came back to the room in tears after they had a big fight. The emotional undercurrent made our band rehearsals uncomfortable, but I was so excited about the talent show that I tried to push it aside. Still, I looked forward to each practice session with a mixture of anticipation and dread.
Before the talent show began, my stomach churned with nerves and I kept an eye on the nearest restroom, just in case I had to make a run for it. Micah’s face had gone a pasty white color and Ravi fidgeted, rocking back and forth on his heels and twisting his hands. Todd practiced his part by drumming on anything that would sit still: the wall, his knees, the chair. When he tried to add Micah to that list of drummable objects, I thought things might come to blows.
When the emcee finally announced us, we strolled out onto the stage, pretending we weren’t one breath away from hysteria. The stage lights shone pink and blue in my eyes as Todd counted the time with his sticks. The familiar rhythm of our opening song enveloped me with its thumping beat and the bonds of anxiety fell away.
The crowd of students in the auditorium jumped and danced along with us like a swirling mass of pure adrenaline. A cheer broke out from the audience when we finished and I beamed as bright as one of the hot stage lights, waving to the sea of unfamiliar faces like a rock star. In the end, we took second place and won $250, but you’d have thought we were Grammy award winners, we were so stoked.
Todd lived in an apartment off-campus and invited us over for an after-show party, along with twenty or so of his closest friends. Jen, Paul and Steph joined us and the energy was high. It was right before finals week and we’d studied as much as humanly possible, so we were all in the mood to celebrate the end of the school year, not to mention our second-place win. Alcohol flowed freely and since the party was within walking distance of the college, no one had to hold back as a designated driver, so we enjoyed ourselves more than we should have.
I’m not sure if it was the alcohol, but Stephanie and Micah had apparently made up and were joined at the hip. Though I wasn’t very fond of Micah, it was good to see her happy again and I smiled when I caught sight of them kissing in the hallway. The pressing fog I’d been living under had receded and I felt happier than I had in a long time, laughing with my friends and fondly recounting the story of our success like it hadn’t just happened hours ago.
Ravi touched my arm as he added his own perspective to the story and it felt completely natural. In fact, he found multiple opportunities to touch me: as he brushed past me in the narrow hallway to the restroom, moving behind me in the kitchen to get another drink and conducting me across the living room to introduce me to someone from his Physics class. I didn’t care—in fact, I enjoyed it—and when he offered to walk me home at two in the morning when the party finally broke up, I happily accepted, thankful for his company and the renewed ease of our friendship. Deliriously buzzed and light-headed, I hooked my hand over Ravi’s arm as we walked back to the dorm.
“Do you mind if we stop at the music hall on the way?” he asked. “I’ve been working on something I want to play for you.”
The hall was unlocked, I was surprised to find, and he explained that he often comes to play in the evening, so had worked out a system with the janitor. The familiar room stood quiet and still, and Ravi flipped on only one bank of lights, which gave the space a warm, intimate glow. He led me to the piano and we sat on the bench next to one another, our thighs touching. He rested his fingers on the keys for a moment, then began playing the haunting melody I remembered from earlier in the spring. The minor key wrapped around me in a sad embrace as the beautiful music echoed in the empty room.
I closed my eyes and let the sound wash over me, its melancholy tendrils weaving through my mind. His voice was soft but clear as he began to sing, “My God, my God, my heart is pierced, my foundation shaken…”
My hand flew to my mouth as I recognized the lyrics to the poem I’d written in my journal. He didn’t turn to look at me but continued on, singing the words from my soul. My chest constricted and I trembled with emotion, the music wringing my heart, his voice breaking through my defenses.
“Bring peace again, my God, give me strength to bear the pain,” he sang as I struggled unsuccessfully to hold back the tears. I mouthed the words along with him, the song building in intensity to the finish. “Make me whole again, Lord and hold me through the flood.” His fingers flowed across the keys, his face drawn in concentration.
His voice wavered slightly at the end, the final notes lingering in the air. My head swam with alcohol and I couldn’t think straight. The pain and tenderness in his eyes made my heart swell in compassion. Silently, he wiped away my tears, then took my face in his hands and brought his lips to mine. My body responded before my mind could object, the warmth of his mouth a powerful aphrodisiac. I kissed him back and his arms came around me, pulling me close. The blood pounded in my veins as we kissed and I completely lost myself in the moment. The sound of the music still echoed in my head, surging like waves on the shore and his embrace was like a life preserver in the flood of emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. At last we broke apart and he smiled down at me.
“I’m glad you liked it,” he said. “I’ve been working on it ever since that day in the library.” My mind flashed to that moment and my hand went automatically to the ring I wore hanging from Ravi’s chain.
Misunderstanding, he grinned at me. “I never did ask you if you liked the necklace with the music note. Can I see it?” He reached to pull the chain so the charm would be exposed and I jerked backward, fumbling as I stood up.
“No, Ravi, I… oh God, I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.” I turned to go and he reached out, grabbing my hand.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I shook my head, pulling my hand free and clenching my fists, trying to gain control of myself.
“Ravi, you are magnificent and I don’t deserve you.” He tried to protest but I cut him off, my voice shaking. “No, it’s true. You’re my best friend and I can’t stand to hurt you, but I can’t do this anymore.” The words echoed in the stillness of the room. “I never tol
d you because I didn’t want to hurt you. But I’ve already hurt you so much more than I…” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, unable to look at him. “I died in that accident and I gave my heart away. It’s not mine to give you anymore, as much as you deserve it. I can’t be with you, Ravi. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
A sob tore at my lungs and I ran out of the room, my hand over my mouth. I fled to the dorm, trying to outrun the frustration and pain, and collapsed on my bed. Stephanie murmured acknowledgment when I came in but rolled over and quickly fell back to sleep. Staring up at the base of Jen’s top bunk, I prayed that God would release me from this anguish. At long last, the solace of sleep arrived.
Chapter 33
Curled up in Aiden’s lap, I ran one hand over his bare chest, brushing the light blond hairs with my fingers. He stroked my back, his fingers gliding up my silk nightgown until they wove in my hair at the base of my neck. His warm, musky scent enveloped me as we kissed, and a sound of pure pleasure emanated from deep in my throat. He slowly fell backward on the couch, pulling me on top of him. He breathed short phrases of love to me in French, sending a wave of tingles down my spine. I leaned forward and kissed him fiercely, the passion burning like fire in my chest. Our bodies molded together perfectly as I pressed against him.
But his kisses grew slack and I tasted the metallic flavor of blood on my lips. My hands slipped over his chest, suddenly wet and sticky. Hot iron burned my nostrils and I opened my eyes to see Aiden splayed out beneath me, his body limp and covered in blood, his sightless eyes staring right through me.
“NO!”
I screamed and bolted upright. Both Jen and Steph rushed to my side, but I was already on my feet, pulling on my clothes. “I have to go. I have to get out of here,” I stammered, grabbing my coat. I ran down the stairs of the dormitory and out into the black night air. I threw up in the bushes right outside the door; the alcohol from the party scoured my throat as I retched.
The late spring rain chilled my skin as I crossed the commons area. Stumbling on the slippery grass, I ran with a desperate need to get away from the school, away from everything. Light from the streetlamps scattered in the pouring rain, reflecting dimly on the slick puddles under my feet. As I made my way into town, my lungs burned with fire and an ache stabbed me in the side, forcing me to slow down. The streetlights blinked red at the intersection, and I wandered across the deserted road, taking gasping breaths of the moist night air. Without conscious thought, I found myself headed toward the hospital. Father O’Malley’s request that I come see him if ever I needed to talk replayed in my mind and I picked up the pace again, eager now that I had a purpose. The nurse at the receiving desk of the emergency room took in my drenched appearance with mild concern.
“I need to see Father O’Malley. Is he in tonight? It’s an emergency.”
Surprise flickered in her eyes but her professional expression of calm never wavered. She consulted a schedule on the computer and gave me a reassuring smile.
“He’s here this evening. I’ll call him to let him know you need to see him. He may be with another patient though, so I’ll need to ask you to sit and wait until he is able to meet with you.” She gestured to the bank of chairs in the lobby and I anxiously ran my fingers through my sopping wet hair.
“Tell him to hurry, okay? I really need to talk to him.” She nodded and handed me some paperwork on a clipboard. I stared at it blankly, then took it over to a hard plastic chair and sat down.
Visions of Aiden and Ravi whirred through my mind, and I squeezed my eyes shut to try and block them out. My hand shook as I tried to fill in the simple form that required my name and address. I returned the clipboard to the nurse, trembling with cold and desperation. She mumbled something into the phone and then turned to me as she hung up, her tone pleasant and unconcerned. “He will be with you soon.”
Pacing around the small waiting room, I picked up a magazine and thumbed through it, not seeing it at all. The wall clock’s ticking pounded on my temples; the space between each second grew longer and longer. I dropped the magazine and wrung my hands, trying to take deep breaths as tears threatened to overtake me.
Oh God, I am losing it. Help me!
“Lindsey?” Father O’Malley’s kind voice broke through my despair and my heart leaped at seeing him again. I wanted to fling myself into his arms and tell him everything, since he was the only one who knew my secret. “My goodness, you are soaked clear through. Did you walk here? No matter, come to the chapel. I will get you a warm blanket and some tea. Thank you, Gladys.” He smiled at the nurse and led me by the arm down the hall.
Once inside the sanctuary, I started to calm down, the twisted knot in my gut slowly unraveling. Six rows of wooden pews faced an altar and a cross, with a place for kneeling at the front. Dozens of votive candles adorned the altar, their light casting a warm glow on the stained glass windows on either side of the cross.
I huddled in the pew closest to the altar and Father O’Malley wrapped a heavy blanket around my shoulders, then sat down beside me. The surprise at seeing me had worn off and he was as calm and composed as I remembered him, his face giving away nothing except a faint curiosity. I stared at the cross, which flickered with shadows from the candles.
“Father, you have to forgive me. I… I’m married to Aiden and I kissed someone else tonight.” Guilt and shame pressed down on me as the vision of Aiden’s glassy, lifeless eyes seared my mind. I told the priest everything that had happened since I’d seen him last: confronting my mother about her affair, my father’s near suicide, Ravi and the song he wrote. He listened, as I knew he would, as the words spilled out of me. The relief of being able to talk about my pain—and to someone so kind and caring—was like a salve on a burn. When I’d emptied myself, I took a deep breath, still shaken but somehow comforted by the soft glow of the candles on the altar and the chaplain’s presence.
“I hesitate to suggest this, Lindsey, since I know that your feelings are certainly real. But is there a chance that what you experienced was—”
“Oh! I completely forgot!” I cut him off, knowing what he was going to say.
I reached into the neck of my wet blouse and pulled out my wedding ring, which hung there as tangible evidence of Aiden’s love. When I told him what it was, his eyes grew wide and he tentatively reached out to touch it. I unclasped the necklace and dropped it into his hands.
“I was wearing it when they pulled me from the car, but the paramedics took it off. I didn’t find it until after I left the hospital.”
He crossed himself and murmured something I didn’t understand as he held the ring in his open palm, the chain dangling through his fingers.
“It was real, Father. And I miss him so much I can hardly breathe. God brought me back here and I think I understand why. I mean, at least, for my father… but I can’t be free here when my heart belongs to Aiden. I’ve wanted to die—thought about it often, in fact. But I know that’s not the solution. I just don’t know what to do. It hurts so bad.” I stared at the candles with an empty, throbbing ache in my chest. He placed the ring in my hand and closed his fingers around my fist.
“You’re right; suicide is not the answer. God brought you back to this earth for a reason, of that we are sure. But He also provided you with this extraordinary ring as proof of your marriage to Aiden, so we can only assume He wants you to remember that as well.” He shook his head slowly, deep in thought.
“Let us pray, Lindsey, and seek His will.” He moved to the altar and knelt down, and I followed him, unsure of what to do. We bowed our heads and he prayed aloud for guidance, for God’s will to be shown to us, for peace that passed all understanding. My heart joined in with him fervently. When he finished, we returned to the pew. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I gazed up at him with raw, aching eyes.
“When I perform a marriage ceremony,” he said, “I use the phrase ‘Til death do you part,’ but in your case, life is what has parted you and Aiden. I t
hink it’s the same. On earth, when you are separated from your spouse by death, you are no longer bound to the marriage covenant that you made. In your case, since your return to earth has separated you in a likewise fashion from your husband, I do not believe that you are bound to him while you remain here.” His words made sense, but they were like a knife in my heart. I shook my head vehemently. He touched my hand, his skin soft and warm against mine.
“You need to grieve, my child. You have lost the man that you love, whether through life or death. He is gone and you must go through the grieving process in order to heal. Holding on to him will only hurt you further and draw out your pain. Grief is different for every person, so I can’t say how long it will take before you feel whole again. But you must begin. Find a place where you can be alone. Cry and pray and let out the painful emotions inside of you. Write a letter to him, say goodbye, whatever it takes. Read your Bible and ask God to comfort you. He says ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ Let Him comfort you in your mourning, Lindsey.”
I remembered with shame the beautiful two-tone Bible that he’d given me that lay untouched on my dresser. I hadn’t the strength to disagree and reluctantly admitted to myself that he might be right, as painful as it was to contemplate letting go. The longing for Aiden was tearing me apart and the prospect of healing was like a pinpoint of light in the darkness. He prayed for me again and then kindly drove me home.
I didn’t get out of bed all day Sunday and when finals began on Monday, I was at least rested if not focused. At the end of each day of testing, I crawled back in bed and stayed there. My roommates were worried about me, but I told them I was just tired. It was true; I was tired. Tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of feeling like half my soul was missing. So I slept.
