by Tawny Weber
Ava wandered the path around the house, enjoying the view of the wildflowers spearing up through the brush and the feel of the sun dappling through the overhead branches.
She shouldn’t be here, a little voice whispered in her head. Every day, every hour, every minute was making it harder to escape.
Harder to want to escape, if she was honest.
As rough as it’d been to cut these strong, valiant men out of her world before, it’d be more painful now. And as painful as it’d been losing Elijah before, this time it would rip her heart to shreds.
Because what she’d thought was love before was a pale ghost of what she felt now.
How was she going to live without him again? How could she recover from another broken heart? This time, there wouldn’t be anything left.
“Enjoying the view?”
Ava looked over her shoulder, marveling for a second at the incongruity of Nic Savino dressed down in jeans, a T-shirt and a flannel. But she knew that the loose shirt covered the gun holstered at his back. She’d watched Elijah do the same thing when he dressed that morning, was sure the others were armed, as well.
“It’s lovely here,” she finally said.
“You’re welcome to come back anytime. Maybe you and Rembrandt want to vacation here or something.”
“Mmm,” was all she said, not able to imagine her and Elijah doing the vacation thing after this. He’d go his way. She’d return to hers.
That was what she’d said she wanted. But now, facing it? It broke her heart. She had an unobstructed view of him through the window. His focus was intense. Head bent, his pencil flew over a sheet of paper. Not drawing, as she was so used to seeing him do. But writing, one hand tracking over the pages he read, the other making notes.
There would be action. Fighting. Injuries. Possibly death. Something Elijah faced every single time he went on a mission, she reminded herself as her breath lodged like a boulder in her chest.
The team hadn’t hidden the purpose of this trip. They hadn’t sugarcoated the dangers, nor had they treated her as if she had to be protected, like she couldn’t handle herself. They—all of them, but most of all Elijah—had shown her nothing but respect.
They’d made her one of them. But she didn’t feel worthy of that honor. How could she, when she’d let Elijah down—let them all down, once already?
“So,” Nic eventually said. “You gonna stick around this time?”
“I’m here now. How long do you suppose you’ll be here?”
“Until the job is done.”
“Which means Elijah’s here until you’re done?”
“He is my left hand.”
“And Diego is your right?”
With a shrug and a smile, Nic snagged a broken twig from a low-lying branch.
“I’ve got a great team.”
“Don’t you just,” she said, watching part of his team run out to the lawn.
There didn’t seem to be any rules to their game. It was a rowdy form of keep-away, with the football being thrown from man to man. She noted that each one took care to include Nathan, keeping their throws challenging enough to make him work for it but not so tough that he couldn’t keep up.
A small smile fluttered over her lips, but before it could take hold, Elijah ran past, scooping Nathan under his arm instead of the football and running him down the lawn. The men followed, piling on with laughs and challenging shouts.
“They’re having fun,” she said stiffly when she noticed how closely Nic was watching her.
“Are you?”
“I’m not here for fun, am I?” she sidestepped, not wanting to admit to either of them that she actually was.
“No reason you shouldn’t enjoy yourself anyway.”
“This?” She waved her hand at the view as if it could encompass her life. “This is just a moment in time.”
“Cupcake, they’re all moments in time. That’s what life is made up of.”
“And sometimes moments are all we get.”
Nic didn’t pretend to not understand.
“He’s good without you.”
Ava nodded, wishing the words didn’t pierce so deep into her heart.
“But he’s better with you.” He laughed at Ava’s shocked stare. “You’re good for him. Being with you gives him a respite, I suppose. A sort of balance.”
“Balance,” she repeated. Which meant there was something weighing on the other side. From the look on his face, that was exactly where Nic had wanted her thoughts to go. “Does that mean you think he wouldn’t need me if he didn’t have his commitment to Poseidon and the SEALs weighing on the other side of the scale?”
“Sure he would. I’ll bet you’d be happier, too.”
“Elijah would never leave the service,” she said with a shrug as they continued their meandering trek around the house.
“He’s talked about it.” At her surprised expresssion, he added, “Recently.”
“He’d leave the Navy? The SEALs?” She couldn’t wrap her mind around that. “You guys?”
“This deal with Ramsey, the operation going south, it hit Rembrandt hard.”
She knew Nic was right. She’d seen the misery in Elijah’s eyes. She’d heard the pain in his voice. His heart was hurt. His trust, and his faith, were damaged.
“Given that the two of you are back together, I’d have thought he’d discussed it with you,” Nic said with a searching look.
Ava focused on the flowering bushes instead of meeting his gaze. What was she supposed to do? Admit that Elijah had tried to talk to her about it, but she’d been too afraid of delving into his world that she’d distracted him with sex? She thought of the times he’d tried to talk about this career, tried to discuss the guys from the VA. Had he been trying to tell her something?
She’d told herself it was because she wanted to keep things loose and light, but the reality was she was afraid. Afraid to listen to him talk about the world that’d taken him from her.
Shame trickled down her spine.
Of course, there was all that incredible sex, so it couldn’t be completely dismissed as a fail.
But still...
“Elijah is a man of honor, in a team of honorable men. That someone he trusted betrayed that honor has to be hard for him to take,” she said quietly, her gaze on the man she loved. “But he wouldn’t leave the SEALs because of that.”
Would he? Her heart swelled in her chest, hope and fear wrapping around it and squeezing tight. She wished it didn’t matter. But it did.
“He could. Right now, he definitely could.”
Even as hope rose like the morning sun in her heart, Ava shook her head. “If he did, now especially? His wounds would never heal.”
“And that, Cupcake, is why he needs you. You loved him before. But now? Now you understand him. He could use that.”
But she didn’t want him to need her. Fear grabbed at Ava’s throat, choking the words before she could say them. Elijah was one of the strongest men, the most powerful, intelligent, well-trained people in the world. And he needed her? She couldn’t help the helpless, how could she help him?
“I shouldn’t be here,” she murmured. She shouldn’t have let things go this far.
“Why are you here?” Nic asked, tossing the words back at her.
Her expression a study of confused frustration, Ava threw her hands in the air. “I don’t know. I should know, shouldn’t I? I’ve been really careful to keep firm limits on this thing between us. Yesterday morning I was congratulating myself on how well I was handling it all. On how well I fit in without feeling any emotional commitment. Now? Now I just want to go home.”
Nic gave her one of those long looks, the kind that made a person want to squirm and hide their soul. Then he nodded. “That’s what
I came out to tell you. There’s a possibility that our location has been compromised. The second team is leaving in an hour with Nathan. You’re going with them.”
And just like that, she wanted to stay.
“I thought you’d learned to face fear and live life on your terms. It’s a shame.” Nic headed toward the front door, but not before tossing over his shoulder, “You and Rembrandt? The two of you could have been perfect together.”
* * *
“LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE ready to go. It might be a few days before I’m able to follow.”
Elijah stared at the tidy stack of suitcases by the door. Ava’s a vivid magenta with purple stripes, Nathan’s covered in Star Wars characters.
Ava stared at Elijah.
He looked so good. Amazing, even.
Happy. Relaxed. Gorgeous.
As much as she’d like to think it was the lovely surroundings and all that hot sex they were having, she knew better. It wasn’t even the joy of spending time with a small boy, although she knew Nathan was part of the reason for his smile.
It was being with his team.
What they were doing weighed on him. Stressed him. But he was still happier with them than he’d been the last couple of weeks without them.
Maybe Nic was right. Maybe she could ask Elijah to leave the Navy.
She’d always been afraid to ask before. She’d been so sure in her mind that he’d choose his career over her that she hadn’t been able to face seeing it in reality. But she could ask now. And he’d probably agree.
He’d leave the SEALs. They could be together. Build a life. Make it work.
Because she was too afraid to try to do those things if he stayed with the team. Because she was too terrified to believe that she could heal the wounds that cut so deep into his skin that they tore at his soul.
God, Ava hated herself sometimes.
Pushing a hand through her hair, she shoved that thought and her fears aside and opted for the smart choice. The one she’d picked when she’d agreed to this affair.
To keep it simple. To keep it short.
“I don’t think we should see each other again,” she said.
“Why?”
She couldn’t explain her fear. She wouldn’t admit her love. She could only throw her arms in the air.
“I can’t deal with this.” She waved her hand toward the window. “All this time with Nathan. The memories. The reminders. Reminders of what it costs to be with you.”
Elijah scowled, suddenly looking as pissed as she’d ever seen him. “Please, Ava. You act like you’re the only one who suffered a loss,” he said.
Oh, bad excuse to use, she realized as she took the words like a punch to the gut. “A loss? A loss!” Ava countered hoarsely. “Is that what you call it? Our baby’s death was simply a loss to you?”
“Did I say simple?” Elijah’s set expression didn’t change. He didn’t soften. “Nothing is simple. Not now. Not then. And running away won’t make it so.”
Wouldn’t it? “I miss him so much,” she admitted through trembling lips. She couldn’t face Elijah. Not while she was falling apart. But she couldn’t leave. She was so miserable, she didn’t think her feet would carry her a single step. All she could do was turn away. Stare out the window at the painful reminder in the form of a darling little boy.
She’d left behind the naive princess, Ava Monroe. She’d turned her back on the starry-eyed bride, Ava Prescott. She’d made herself over into a tough, strong woman, dammit.
So why the hell was she crying like a weakling?
She stared through burning eyes as the view out the window blurred like a storm-drenched painting, the colors running together in a painful haze.
“Ava.”
“Go away,” she muttered.
He didn’t of course. Hands pressed against her shoulders, warm and strong. She tried to resist, but couldn’t stop him when he turned her to face him. Hating feeling so exposed, so emotionally stripped bare, she shifted, her hair falling around her face, hopefully hiding her features. It was a poor shield, and wouldn’t work if he slipped his finger under her chin and lifted her face to his as he had so often in the past. But it was all she had.
Elijah did move his hands off her shoulders, but only to slip them around her back. He pulled her close, snuggling her up against him so her face rested on his chest. She tried to shift away, but he wouldn’t let go. She started to pull her head back and order him to let the hell go, but his fingers tangled in her hair, sliding among her scalp in a soothing caress.
With her arms trapped between their bodies, her fingers rested over his heart. The steady beat slowly, surely calmed her. Soothed her. Eased her sobs until all that was left was an exhausted sigh.
Ava didn’t know how long they stood there, his fingers running through her hair, his heart throbbing against her ear.
“I lost him, too,” Elijah murmured, his words whispering through her hair as softly as his fingers. “I lost my son without even getting to say goodbye. I lost my wife, my family, without ever hearing why.”
Ava had been too immersed in her own pain—first wallowing in it, then avoiding it—to care about his.
Not willing to confess that, though, she pressed her lips together. She wished she could ignore the guilt tiptoeing through her conscience, but it wasn’t easy. Not when she heard the hurt in his words.
“I should have protected him,” she murmured.
“You know better.”
She did. Therapy, reading, they all said that there was nothing she could have done. Still, she lifted her eyes to Elijah’s and for the first time let him see her anguish.
“I was his mother.”
“And I was his father. Do you blame me?”
For the loss of Dominic? “God, no.”
“Then how can you blame yourself?”
Watching his face, feeling his pain, Ava finally let go of the knife in her heart with a shaky sigh. “I pushed you away because I felt guilty. Because I couldn’t stand to see the blame I was afraid would be in your eyes,” she admitted softly, her fingers playing with the fabric of his shirt. “I’m sorry.”
“You were hurting terribly, Ava. We both were.”
She nodded, then, biting her lip, heard herself blurt out the one question she’d promised herself she wouldn’t ask. “Nic said you might be considering leaving the Navy,” she heard herself say. Cringing, she wanted to grab the words back but knew he wouldn’t let her.
“It’s crossed my mind,” Elijah said quietly, his gaze locked on her face as if he could see through her eyes and into her brain. “It’s something we need to talk about.”
“We?”
“Yeah. We. Together, this time.”
Her heart raced. Clutching his flannel shirt with shaking fingers, she tried to think of what to say. How to ask. If she should believe.
“Rembrandt.”
Elijah and Ava turned their heads to see Nic in the doorway.
“Team’s here.”
Nic waited long enough for Elijah to nod before stepping back outside, shutting the door behind him with a snap.
“There’s a possibility that our location was leaked to Ramsey. To be safe, the second team is taking Nathan out before any possible confrontation.” Elijah watched her steadily for a moment, then, breaking her heart, pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “I’m glad you’re going with him. He’ll feel better with you there.”
“Elijah...” But she didn’t know what to say.
Part of her wanted to beg him to fix this, to demand that she commit. If he pushed her, forced the issue, she’d have to figure it out, wouldn’t she?
“Go. Go home, spend some time with your family, at the gym, in your world. Think things through.” With the gentlest of caresses, just a
whisper of the back of his fingers over her cheek, he stepped away.
“I’m not walking away,” he told her softly. “I’m not simply giving up. Not again. But I am giving you time.”
“Time for what?” she asked, her voice hoarse with tears.
“Time to decide if you can handle a life together.”
“I told you a couple of weeks ago, this thing between us is just sex,” she said quietly, her words about as solid as a breath of air. “That it wouldn’t last longer than your leave.”
“Yep. I remember you telling me that.” Elijah nodded. “You go ahead and decide if you mean it or not.”
And with that and a sweet smile that melted her heart into a puddle of misery, he walked away.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ELIJAH’S PENCIL SCRAPED over the page, leaving loopy swirls and jagged lines. He couldn’t draw. Had nothing in his head. But he knew if he looked occupied, nobody would try to talk to him. Or worse, try to make him respond.
He’d said his goodbyes to Ava. He’d heard the extraction team leave. She was gone. Now, sitting in their temporary HQ with his team, he had never felt so alone. So he didn’t need to talk about it, didn’t want to go see for himself the empty bedroom. He’d deal with all of that later.
Just as he’d deal with their relationship. With convincing her to do whatever it took to give them a chance.
“Target is coming our way. I’m calling in extra backup,” Savino stated with a frown. Before Elijah could ask what else was going on, the commander tossed him a comm set. “Rembrandt, you’re on the perimeter. Ten minutes.”
Perimeter duty, in this case, meant being as visible as possible to distract the target from base. They didn’t want Ramsey near the building.
“Time?” Elijah asked, checking his weapons and ammo.
“Estimating one hour,” Rengel responded, doing the same.
The team kicked into high gear, Savino checking the progress of Team Two’s departure while Rengel, Ward and Elijah readied for the confrontation to come.
Elijah didn’t allow himself to think about Ava on her way out of Tahoe, possibly passing Ramsey on the highway. The extraction team was the best. She’d be fine. He focused on the task at hand.
