by Lisa Swallow
My project. Pull back, Jem. Keep out.
I follow Jax and sit at the back of the small theatre, feet on a chair in front and watch how the band interact setting their gear up on stage. How did Blue Phoenix get so lost? The Ruby Riot easy-going relationship is apparent. The synchronicity performing onstage is always matched by offstage, as the brothers laugh at Jax’s attempts to boss them around. There’s a couple of chicks hanging around today, grungy girls in flowery dresses and sloppy cardigans. No Sara, thankfully. Ruby doesn’t speak to them, and they stay clear of her.
Dan skulks at the edge of the stage; with his muscles he could join in and help set up but I suspect the band tries to keep him at arm’s-length. He’s been at each of the last couple of gigs, watching over Ruby’s every move. The guys rarely speak to him.
Ruby has trouble tuning her guitar and Jax goes over with his, the pair of them attempting to get the sounds in sync. Then they kneel on the stage together, looking over a set list and Ruby scrawls through with a pen, rearranging the order. I can’t hear their conversation but see Ruby getting agitated and Jax’s attempts to calm the situation by touching her hand isn’t helping. I straighten as her voice rises. This isn’t going well.
Dan sits forward, elbows on his knees as Ruby and Jax continue their head to head. Jax pushes Ruby’s hair away from where it splays across the paper taped to the floor in front of them, and she freezes, catching his hand. She remains holding it for a few seconds too long for my liking. Is there something going on here I’m not aware of? And if there is, why is my heart sinking?
Jax cheers as Ruby hands him the pen back and calls a triumphant ‘yes’ before he grabs her by both cheeks and kisses her mouth. Ruby shoves him hard in the chest and, as he’s squatting, Jax lands on his back. He lies for a moment laughing and Ruby gets up and storms from the stage area.
Dan follows.
****
RUBY
Shit.
I stride toward the Ladies, almost breaking into a run. I know Dan will follow. If I get their first and wait inside, will Dan be calmer by the time I come back out, or more wound up?
What the fuck does Jax think he’s doing?
Dan catches up, his heavy footsteps on the tiled floor behind. Fingers dig my arm as he drags me to one side. Gauging his mood isn’t needed; his heavier breathing and reddening face tell me all I need to know.
“You said you weren’t screwing anyone else,” he growls. “What the fuck was that?”
I attempt to control my own breathing, fighting to keep the oxygen disappearing from my lungs. “Jax messing around.”
“You can’t let other people touch you.”
“I know. He knows. I think he forgot.”
“You see now why I have to watch you? See why I don’t believe you?”
The pressure on my skin increases; I’ll have new bruises on my upper arm later. “It’s true, Dan. There’s nobody else. I don’t need anyone else.”
Dan glances around then moves closer. “You’re an ungrateful bitch. I take care of you, put a roof over your head, and what do I ask for in return? Nothing. Have you forgotten that without me you’re nothing?”
“Sorry,” I curl my fingers around his. “I’ll tell him to leave me alone.”
“Do you forget where you came from?” he asks, voice low and grip firm. “Where do you think you’d be now if I hadn’t helped?”
“I don’t know. Somewhere bad.” But not as bad as this.
“I don’t know why I bothered with someone as worthless as you; sometimes I wish I hadn’t. If your brother had warned me what you were like, I’d never have helped out.”
And if Quinn had known what you were like, he’d never have asked.
“Dan… I’m sorry. Please. Don’t be angry.” I touch his smoothly shaven face, looking directly into his glittering eyes. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“You better bloody had!” He drops his grip and pushes me. “This is the last night for you and these guys until I can trust you. No more gigs.”
I open my mouth to protest but the dark mask is on his face, the other Dan who can hurt me. Be nice. Get away. “Can I go for a smoke?”
Dan crosses his arms. “I’ll come looking for you in five minutes if you’re not back. I need a word with that asshole who had his hands on you.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I sidestep Dan and, swallowing down my panic, I head to the back door before he changes his mind, hoping he doesn’t have a showdown with Jax.
Outside, the full moon is partly obscured by the clouds, low and bright. Stars fight their way through the clouds and I gaze up at them as I light my cigarette with shaking fingers.
“Hey, Ruby Tuesday!”
I pout at my big brother calling me this and he ruffles my hair. “How’s my little sis?”
Say nothing. “Okay. How’s uni?”
“Good. Sorry I haven’t been home for a while, everything going okay? School okay?”
“School sucks. Same old.”
Quinn’s brow puckers. “Sorry, I wish I was around more.”
“S’okay, enjoying your new student life?”
“Yeah, but I worry about you. Are you okay?”
Big brother sixth sense? No, I’m not. I never am when you’re not here.
Things are only calm when Quinn’s in the house. He’s bigger than my uncle and would hurt him, hopefully, as much as my uncle hurts me. Now Quinn’s gone.
“I’m okay.”
Say nothing. I inhale the smoke and hold it in my lungs, closing my eyes as I calm myself. Lost in thoughts of Quinn, and how unfair it is he’s not here anymore, I’m unaware of someone else close by until I open them. Jem rests against the wall opposite, the orange glow of a lit cigarette in his hand as he regards me. Did he see what happened with Dan again?
“Shit! You scared me.” Is that really, why my heart rate has picked up again? Alone with Jem in the dark; close to the man who’s creeping into my dreams and my stupid body reacts, the tension of my encounter with Dan replaced by desire for Jem’s attention. Stupid body, stupid girl. Screwing Jem would be a mistake for a million different reasons, and I’m beginning to get the impression that’s what he wants. Yet at the same time, I’m unsure. The way he usually looks at me isn’t desire, if anything he’s attempting to avoid looking at me much of the time. There’s something going on between us but I can’t figure out what.
“You’re on in ten,” he says.
“Yeah, doesn’t take me that long to smoke.” I throw my half-finished cigarette to the ground and step on it, preparing to leave. “Done now. See?”
“How much do you want this, Ruby?” he asks in a low voice. “The band, the music. Success, if I have anything to do with it.”
I hesitate. “A lot.”
He makes a soft sound in his throat. “That’s not enough. You have to need it. Music has to be a part of you, something essential every day to survive. Something you’d give everything for.” He pauses. “Change everything for.”
“It is. I do.”
“But will you walk away from what you need to?”
Jem did this before, attempted to talk to me about my screwed up situation but there’s no point. How would Jem Jones understand how complicated my life is? Like most people, he’ll think I should walk away from the situation with Dan and look down on me because I don’t.
I fold my bare arms across my chest, skin goose bumping in the evening breeze. “Did you walk away?”
Jem steps from the shadows, closer to me than he’s been since we had a similar conversation in Cardiff. “I’m not talking about me. I’m asking you.”
“Music is the only thing that keeps me going day to day,” I tell him. This is one thing Jem will understand. This is why he’s here. Music is his life, saved him at his darkest times too.
“It shouldn’t be the only thing in life you live for, just a big part of it. You need more than music to keep you happy or you’ll burn out.”
He’s further into m
y personal space than anyone gets apart from Dan and occasionally Jax and I feel it. The energy from Jem reaches between us, surrounding us. I shuffle away. “Very philosophical.”
“You think I’m philosophical?” He snorts. “It’s true, believe me.” He moves closer again. “I’m not interfering in your personal life, that’s your call. But if Dan has to follow you to weekend gigs, what’s he going to do if we go on tour?”
“On tour?” I straighten.
Jem takes a drag from his cigarette and pauses before exhaling the smoke. “Not a done deal unless the whole band agrees, but something I’m willing to help with.”
“Why?”
“Because I can remember being you,” Jem says quietly. “I remember being consumed by the music, by the belief Blue Phoenix were fucking good. All I wanted was a chance to prove that to the world but nobody would help. I want to help you guys do that.”
“Why though? Why us?”
“I just said, you remind me of Phoenix.” He throws his half-smoked cigarette to the ground. “You also know what’s happened in my life recently. I need a distraction. A project. Music is what allows me to cope; and if I can’t do that with Phoenix, I’ll do it through another band. Preferably yours.”
The mystery surrounding Jem Jones intrigues me. I’ve watched his rise and fall over and over, read stories about how these guys treated women in the past. Objects, playthings. Will Ruby Riot be his plaything? Is Dan right? Is part of his agenda screwing me? Is that why he’s closing in on me physically right now?
“Yeah, we can talk about this. I can’t believe you have such faith in us though…”
Jem shrugs. “I know something good when I hear it.”
“Thanks.” I smile.
The curious look Jem gives me sends my alert system haywire. I spend a good deal of time not meeting his eyes, because when I do, I feel exposed. Jem sees into a place nobody does, through Ruby and to the edge of Tuesday. He rubs a finger along his lips and pulls something from his back pocket.
“I want you to have this.” He holds out a small card in his long fingers.
“What is it?”
“Blue Phoenix’s publicity company. I want you to chat with them.”
“What about?”
Jem shrugs. “Dunno. PR shit. I can only do so much. I’ve spoken to them about you guys. Arrange a meeting.”
“Okay…” I hesitantly take the card, and as I do Jem’s fingers linger against mine. The gesture is innocent enough, but to me loaded with the weight of realisation he’s never touched me before, not even accidentally. If he had, there’s no way I’d have forgotten the shock of his calloused fingertips against my skin or the effect on my heart rate. I curl my fingers around the card and drop my hand.
“Get rid of him,” Jem says in a low voice. “Don’t let him destroy Ruby; she’s actually a nice girl when you get to speak to her.”
My normal response would be a retort at him to back the fuck off; but I’m aware I’m reaching a point where I need to make my choice, between being who I am, or who somebody else wants me to be. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to choose.
Without another word, Jem ducks back into the building and I wait a minute before following. The Jax situation was bad enough; arriving back with Jem wouldn’t be wise. I flip the business card in my hands as I head back to where we’re setting up for tonight and catch sight of something written on the back. In black scrawl is a Notting Hill address. I stop and stare at the words.
Jem gave me his address.
Shoving the card in the back pocket of my jeans, I keep walking. Another man interfering in my life isn’t what I need.
Chapter Seven
Ruby
The days slide through my fingers as I try to catch time and slow it down. I’m not ready to face Dan yet. Ruby Riot is rehearsing several nights a week now, up from the one Sunday afternoon session. Dan only knows about Sundays, the day he comes with me. He works some evenings and I match the extra rehearsals to those; that way Dan doesn’t know I’m going and we don’t argue about it. Jax is pissed off with me at rehearsals because the anxiety over whether Dan will find out is affecting my performance.
What can I do? Dan said no more gigs after dickhead Jax decided to touch me in front of him, so what choice do I have? I have to take the risk and do this behind Dan’s back even though I’m terrified he’ll find out. He won’t. Dan’s work timetable is rigid and he spends more time there than at home anyway. Jem will give up on us if we don’t maintain extra commitment; I’m sure. Then the band would hate me. And if I lost Ruby Riot, I’ve lost everything.
Our rehearsal space is a room above a pub in Box Hill, a popular place for small student bands; it’s where I met the Ruby Riot boys a little over a year ago. The band was the three of them back then, and Jax was lead singer. After the gig, he hit on one of my friends and invited her back to the guys’ house. Because we didn’t know them and I wanted to make sure Cathy would be okay, I went too.
This was back when Dan wasn’t as bad as now, his controlling behaviour insidious. I was allowed out alone in the evenings without an argument, although he’d come up with spurious reasons for me to stay home with him. No threats, just careful manipulation. It was when I became involved with Ruby Riot that things took an ugly turn.
That night, Jax inevitably picked up his guitar and turned on the charms for not just Cathy but the other girls. He’s a good-looking guy and had already sweet-talked Cathy, so add in the guitar playing and he had a circle of admirers. Jax’s swagger amused me so I picked up the spare in the corner of the lounge and outplayed him. Instead of being annoyed, Jax switched his attention from Cathy to me, which pissed her off. I informed him I had a boyfriend and Jax told me he didn’t care because I wasn’t his type of girl. With that out of the way, we spent the next two hours straight talking about music.
Jax calls it fate that the band was named Ruby Riot, and in walks a Ruby who completed the band. I laughed, was flattered, but he was dead serious. We arranged for me to get together at their rehearsal the following Saturday.
That evening, it was as if someone opened a window and fresh air rushed in. I gave up music shortly after I moved in with Dan; I didn’t have time to rehearse with the guys from school anymore and they replaced me. Before Dan, music was my sanctuary but he pushed me away from that side of who I was, slowly, until so many days passed I forgot about playing. I switched off the essential part of who I was, to be who Dan told me I should be. One evening with Jax and the twins, and the buried Ruby reappeared, a new reminder that this girl from the past is who I am.
Time ran away and I was late home.
That was the first night Dan moved from verbal abuse to physical.
A week later, when I met the guys, the bruises had faded but the yellow marks on my arms were there. So was Dan. He agreed to come and check out the band and told me if he approved I could go ahead. I’d never performed in front of Dan, or anybody for a lot of years, but I did what I always do; closed my eyes and tuned into the sound around, tuning out everything but the music rippling through my body. I see sound like colour. When I’m playing, I’m on another plane, one where I visualise the interaction of the bars and notes, the procession of colour melding into a rainbow of melodies.
Dan disappeared downstairs to the bar after half an hour, muttering about how shit I was but he was alone in his opinion. The three other people in the room told me I was talented; Ruby Riot wanted me and the possibility I was worth something flipped a page on a new book in my life. Now I can fill the pages or tear them out.
“Ruby, what the fuck?” Jax shoves me, dragging me to the here and now. Rehearsals. Time’s short. Need to get home. “You missed the intro again.”
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“Get in the right headspace; Jem’s coming today.”
Will taps the drums in a quiet rhythm while Nate matches the bass as they tune out the inevitable flare up about to happen between us.
“Jem?�
� Shit. He’s going to ask about the tour. He’ll want an answer.
“Yeah, the guy putting himself out for us. Remember?”
I scuff my boot along the scratched wooden stage. “Yeah. Forgot.”
“I take it from your paler than usual face, you haven’t told Dan you’re going away?”
I chew a nail and refuse to meet his eyes. “Soon. I have to pick the right moment to ask.”
“For fuck’s sake! Not ask him, bloody tell him!” Jax rips the strap from around his neck and props the guitar against the speaker, storming across the room. I stride after and catch up to him in the narrow hallway to the stairs.
“Jax!”
“What is with you? Why can’t you get away from him?” he snaps, face lined by anger. “You’re stronger than this! Just fucking leave!”
His words knock my breath. I thought he understood. “I can’t.”
“Bullshit! You don’t want to!”
“You think I enjoy him treating me like he does?”
“I don’t know? Do you? Why else would you stay?”
“I have to!” I yell. “I owe him!”
“Again, I call bullshit, Ruby. You’re choosing to stay. Which means you’re choosing him over yourself.”
For the first time in a long time, I want to cry. I want Jax to understand that it’s not as easy as packing up and walking out of the door. Jax knows I’m trying to change things but I’m scared. Scared of what Dan would do to me and terrified that Dan’s right, nobody else would want damaged goods.
Dan loves me.
“You don’t understand!” I yell. “I thought you understood.”
“I understand you might be fucking up Ruby Riot’s big break just because you’re a coward!”
My frustration matches his, but as usual, I have a harder time controlling mine. I shove Jax hard in the chest and he stumbles backward, banging his elbow on the wall. “Fuck you!” I yell.
“This looks familiar,” says a voice from the stairs. Jem walks slowly up the narrow wooden stairs that lead down to the pub. “Musical differences or lover’s tiff?”
