by Lisa Swallow
“Ruby, are you okay?”
Jem. Words won’t come as I struggle to stay in the reality I was trying to push away.
“Ruby!” he repeats more urgently.
Dan shifts, struggling against Jem. “You piece of fucking shit!” Jem snarls. “What the fuck have you done to her?” Jem grabs Dan by the shirt and drags his face toward him. “I should fucking kill you.”
The world is sideways, everything at the wrong angle and I’m unsure it’ll ever be upright again. Throwing Dan back again, Jem rains blows with a ferocity to match that of Dan to me a few minutes ago. Dan has his face covered against Jem’s fists and I want to yell stop, but I don’t; a vengeful part wants Dan to feel some of the hurt he caused me. I watch as Dan weakens, not fighting back. Not once. He lies and takes the attack the way I did for so many months.
Closing my eyes, I smile at the stars and my brother who’s by the second star to the right. My Peter Pan who’ll never grow up now and never be in my life again.
Now I have Jem Jones, the man who doesn’t want to take care of or protect me as my rescuer. And I bet he fucking hates it.
****
Jem
Ruby’s face is a mess.
I’m a mess.
Why am I involved?
Guilt took me to meet Ruby after work tonight, I wanted to persuade her to come back to the studio tomorrow. I feel like shit about what I did to her last night, and I’ve battled with the chaos of thoughts in my head. If she meant nothing, I wouldn’t have stopped at a kiss because the physical satisfaction of sex with her would’ve been my goal. The problem is, in a screwed up way, the jolt of life to my emotions led me to hurt her because I didn’t want to hurt her. I don’t understand my own logic.
Ruby had left work by the time I arrived at the café and I’ve no idea what made me scout around in case she was nearby but I did. I’m fucking glad fate sent me there.
I’ve been involved in a fair few fights in my time and spent too many years solving arguments with my fists, but what I witnessed when I walked around the corner is beyond anything I’ve seen.
Time stopped when Ruby didn’t reply, the fear for her safety intensifying my need to smash the fucker’s face in.
How can anybody do that to a woman? Or anybody? He behaved like a fucking animal so I treated him like one. When I realised I might’ve seriously injured him, I didn’t give a shit; a raw anger had me gripped out of control. I wanted to kill him. Only now do I realise how lucky I am I stopped. For a couple of minutes I was sure I had killed him; he didn’t move or make a sound when I held the trembling Ruby in my arms. The fury intensified as I sat on the ground with her, not knowing what the fuck to do next.
By the time I calmed myself enough to help Ruby away, Dan groaned and shifted but didn’t sit and for a split second I thought: I’ll try harder next time.
Next time.
No way.
This shit stops now.
Ruby sits at the table in my dining room staring at the bowl of water and facecloth I put in front of her. Medical supplies aren’t a staple in my house - I don’t even have any Band-Aids. Uselessly, I hover, head aching from the range of emotions dragged through my system in the past twenty-four hours.
Ruby doesn’t speak. Hasn’t spoken since she yelled at me for threatening to take her to hospital.
“I’m going to call a doctor,” I tell her.
She turns her battered face to me and I can’t tell if her eyes are red because she’s been crying or from the mess the fucker made of them.
“Call Jax.”
“You want Jax?”
Ruby puts her head in her hands then drops them, gingerly touching her face. Her loose red hair hangs forward, disguising her expression. “Yes.”
Something strange clutches my chest, an old emotion joining the others. Rejection. But I helped her?
“What do you want me to say to him?” I cross my arms.
“He can come pick me up. You don’t have to be involved.”
“I am involved. I just beat the crap out of a guy for you.”
“For me?” She laughs softly.
“Why’s that funny?”
“Nothing. We’re a bit fucked now, with this lip I doubt my singing will be up to par.”
Her words echo mine from yesterday. “This isn’t the right time to talk about the band. Probably not the right time for you to talk about anything.”
“Yeah.”
She’s pale and the amount Dan beat her around the head worries me. “But I think you need to see a doctor.”
“No!”
Or the police, but I’ll save that suggestion until she’s calmer. “What if you’re concussed? Aren’t you supposed to stay awake or something? Are you sleepy?”
Ruby drags her hair from her eyes. “Your concern is touching. I’m fine, I’m not concussed.”
“How do you know that?”
Staring straight at me, Ruby says, “He gave me concussion before. I know the difference.”
Rejection. Frustration. Heart-rending pain for this girl. I can’t respond and return to the kitchen where I can hide how I feel. My knuckles are swollen and I grab ice from the fridge. I should get Ruby ice too. Should I? I throw the door shut and grip my hair. I don’t know what the fuck to do. Liv’s pain and abuse was before I knew her; Ruby’s is current and in my face, her blood smeared on my blue shirt.
“Did you call Jax yet?”
Lost in the memories of Liv, I’m unaware of Ruby joining me in the kitchen. The bright halogen light illuminates the darkening and torn skin across her forehead and the caking blood on her cheek.
“No.” I touch her face, a small space my fingers can fit without brushing her injury. “I’m not going to.”
She takes my hand and moves it from her face. Ruby’s fingers are ice cold despite the warmth of the evening and I curl mine around them, refusing to let her go.
“Why?” she asks.
“Stay here. You’re safe here.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?” She doesn’t answer but I know why: because of last night. Because I fucked this up. “Besides, Jax is probably drunk somewhere, or in bed with whatever her name was.”
Ruby huffs. “Yeah.”
But she wants Jax, not me.
“Stay here. Tomorrow we talk about what we need to, Ruby.” I rub my fingertip across her cheek and she closes her eyes.
“I doubt I’ll be doing much else.”
Oh, yes you will. You’ll be going to the police and sorting this. Then I can step back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ruby
I wake the next morning confused where I am, but my mind catches up as soon as the pain hits. My head aches, face sore, and when I sit up, I notice the blood staining the sleeves of my white work shirt. Memories of last night surge, and my stomach heaves. I put my shaking hands over my ears and close my eyes, trying to blank my mind of the looping images of Dan’s face and fists invading. Focusing on controlling my breathing, I stand but the room lurches and I sit back down. There’s painkillers in my bag, but will they work against the headache I have? I touch my forehead, and wince at the lump.
I survived.
Another thought intrudes: what would’ve happened if Jem hadn’t arrived? I thrust it away; I can’t go down that route. I’m here and my injuries aren’t as bad as they could’ve been. In a screwed up way, I’m lucky.
Jem’s right. This time I go to the police, take seriously the danger I’m in. I can never damage Dan the way he’s pulled me apart, but I can get him arrested and make his life hell. Who knows what will happen, or if any justice will be done, but I’m going to try.
Then I’m going to gather up the remaining pieces of Ruby and put them together.
If I could, I’d run from all of this, go somewhere nobody knows who I am. Not to hide, but to live in freedom for a while. Half an hour in the room and my mind continues its attempt to drag up the horror of last night, and I don’t want to v
isit that place. I head out into the quiet house and call Jax.
Jax arrives and although the shock on his face is bad, the fact he averts his eyes from the mess of mine is embarrassing. “What the fuck happened? You said Dan had attacked you, but shit…not how bad.”
“Don’t say anything, please.” I wanted to put make-up on, but the police will need photos. For the first time, I have to show the world what Dan does to me.
“Is Jem around?”
“I don’t know.” I haven’t seen him since last night. I’m not sure what to say or what exactly our position is now. No way can I think anything through currently. “You want a drink before we go to the police?”
Jax looks around the lounge room. Of course, he’s never been in the house. I poke him. “I’d give you the guided tour, but I’m not sure I’m allowed.”
“Not without the entrance fee.” I turn to a smiling Jem who’s in the doorway, rubbing his head with a towel. He’s post-workout, damp t-shirt stretching across his abs and perspiration glistening on his taut biceps, all of which would be enough to fuel any girl’s Jem Jones fantasies. Jem’s smile disappears when he looks at my face, the action causing a twinge of pain around my mouth.
“Hey, man,” says Jax with a cautious tone.
“Hey,” he says then looks to me. “You’re coming back here after the police station?”
“If that’s okay,” I reply.
“Sure.”
“Okay.”
“Right.” Jem heads upstairs.
The amount said with so few words doesn’t escape Jax. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“I wish you’d come back with me instead.”
Last night I was adamant I’d go to Jax and the boys, since waking today, I’m too scared to go far. “I feel safer here.”
“Yeah, but why? Jem’s the reason you didn’t come to the studio yesterday, isn’t he?”
“That’s dealt with.” I head to the open door.
“Is it? Really? The more involved he gets the more likely things will go wrong.”
“For me or the band?”
“Both.”
Irritation prickles. “I’m really not up to talking about this shit now, Jax. Perhaps you should discuss your concerns with Jem.”
Jax rubs his eyebrow, the way I recognise he does when Jax is about to ask something he’s not sure he should. I can guess what. “Did you… you know. The other night after the studio when he took you home? Is that why you couldn’t face him?”
“Did I fuck him? Just come straight out with it.”
Jax wrinkles his nose. “Yeah.”
“No, I didn’t, and I have no intention of.”
“So why avoid him?”
“He kissed me.”
Jax laughs. “A kiss? And that was enough to screw around with your head?”
At this moment, I feel like screaming at Jax but his words resonate. Why did a kiss from Jem then rejection have such a big impact? I could explain to Jax that to me there’s an intimacy in a kiss greater than sex, that kissing Jem was like opening myself up and letting him across the void between me and the world. How can a kiss be that? I don’t know, but it was and that’s why it fucked with my head.
“Shut the fuck up, Jax,” I growl, “I’m not in the mood.”
Jax brow creases with concern. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here if that’s how you feel.”
“And I really don’t want you interfering.” I gesture at the door. “Let’s go. Get this over with.”
“Ah, Ruby…” As he approaches, Jax touches my hand and laces his fingers through mine. “I’m here if you need me. Please be sensible.”
Physical contact with Jax isn’t unusual and, despite his words outside the hotel room the night on tour, there’s nothing between us. No spark of something unknown hovers or any intense desire to keep his skin on mine. He’s Jax, a mate, and nothing else. If I mean any more to Jax, he’s hiding it.
****
Jem
Jax taking Ruby to the station is good for two reasons. Firstly, Jem Jones at a police station would have the media and Steve down on me like a ton of bricks. The other reason: distance. If I’m the one to take Ruby, I can’t keep the distance between us that I still fool myself exists.
The whole time Ruby and Jax are away from the house I attempt to channel my nervous energy into something constructive and end up on the treadmill. Music and exercise are the only things that drown out the onslaught of memories – from last night and the ones from earlier in my life.
The pair aren’t back by lunchtime so I text Jax. No response.
Keep out of it.
I call the studio manager and attempt to shift around the booking. He’s pissed off but I don’t know why, he’s getting paid. I hang up after a terse conversation and the phone rings again immediately.
“What the fuck, Jem?”
“Wow, Steve. Hello to you, too.” There’s me thinking I could avoid talking to my manager.
“What the fuck?” he repeats. “What the hell did you do? Were you high?”
“Stop shouting and tell me what you mean?”
“The chick from the band. Y’know, the one the media likes to hold up as Jem’s latest fuck buddy.”
“Don’t call her that.”
“Not my words. I’m surprised you’re not at the police station, too.”
“She didn’t want me to go.”
“I bet she fucking didn’t!”
“Whoa. Okay, Steve, tell me exactly what this call is about.”
“You might ignore the media; but they don’t ignore you, and when the girl you’re connected to turns up at a police station with her face messed up where’d you think the finger’s pointing?”
The phone digs into my hand as I grip it tightly. “You have to be fucking kidding me.” No response. “Tell me you’re fucking kidding.”
“Tell me you didn’t. I was enjoying my break from dealing with the shit you guys get into.”
The world retreats as my head scrambles to catch up. “I cannot believe you are accusing me of this,” I say and launch into a barrage of words I normally only reserve for people like Dan. “I don’t attack women!”
“You were accused of killing one less than a year ago.”
“Too far, Steve, too fucking far!” I yell and hang up before things get really nasty.
Déjà vu. The cops will be on my doorstep. The media back. I sink onto the sofa and stare at the phone. The world just leapt backward several months. I can’t cope if I’m dragged into shit again. I did something good and now it’s all going wrong. Why can’t the world give me a fucking break?
****
Ruby
I step out of the police station with Jax, and straight into the blinding sunshine and camera flashes. Half a dozen people wait in the forecourt; a confusing crowd I barely register before I turn my back and meet Jax’s surprised eyes. People shout questions about Jem and my aching head can’t comprehend what’s happening. I’ve spent half the morning giving statements. I’ve already had my picture taken more than I’d like in the police station, and I’m exhausted and confused.
“What’s happening?” I ask Jax.
“I don’t know. Back inside.” He guides me through the sliding glass doors and into the station. I sit on an orange plastic chair in the waiting room. A police officer crosses to the door and the middle-aged man glances outside before looking back to me.
“You okay, love?” he asks.
I nod stupidly and he gives me a small smile before walking off and calling for somebody. So many kind and understanding smiles today for the beaten girl.
“I’m going to find out what the hell is going on,” Jax says and heads to the door.
I want to protest he should stay out of this, but he’s already deeply involved, besides I’ve lost my ability to cope with much more. A few minutes later, Jax returns, consternation in his blue eyes.
“What is it?
” I ask.
He runs his hands into his blond fringe, pushing it from his face. “They’re saying Jem did this to you.”
“No!” I stand. “Why the fuck would they?”
“I don’t know.”
“I have to tell them!” As I make to leave, Jax grabs my sleeve.
“Don’t. We don’t know how to deal with this.”
I yank my arm away. “Jem helped me. He never wanted to help me and now he’s being accused of this shit. Jem wouldn’t hurt me!”
“I know he didn’t, Ruby; but the media’s waiting for him to trip up.”
Tears spring into my eyes, at Jem’s life, at the way he’s been manipulated, at what he has to fight along with his demons every day. He wants to change, but the world wants to keep him demonised.
“It’s not fair! He’s a good person.” Jax opens his mouth to say something but decides against it. “Jax?”
“I’m not saying anything.”
“You don’t need to. You think I’m ignoring his bad side, don’t you? You don’t know him!”
“Do you?” asks Jax in a low voice.
I slap Jax in the chest. “Look what he’s done for us. You selfish prick!”
Jax catches my arm. “You’re vulnerable. He might take advantage. I’ve seen how he looks at you, it’s predatory.”
“Don’t be stupid!” I snap.
“Jem Jones uses people and tosses them aside. I don’t want you getting hurt by him.”
I choke on the words I want to yell, disgusted at Jax accusing Jem of being the cliché too. Instead, without another word, I walk out of the police station away from him. I stride through the middle of the media frenzy, head high. Cameras click as I walk by, but I’m not hiding. There’s nothing to hide, they can say what the fuck they want. These people can follow me to the other end of the city if they want, but there’s one place I’m going.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ruby
They’re outside Jem’s house too, loitering on the wall and eagerly standing to position their cameras in my direction as I climb out of the taxi.
Ignoring the barrage of flashes and questions, I hover at Jem’s security gates, waiting for him to answer the intercom, terrified he’ll tell me to piss off because I’ve caused him trouble. The speaker crackles but he doesn’t speak.
