by Imani King
"What you just said, about wanting to be different around me."
He shot me a look. "Oh, it's true. Do you think I'd be saying all this embarrassing shit if it wasn't true? Jesus, Tasha, I sound like such a fucking wuss."
"No you don't." I told him. "You don't sound like a wuss, Kaden. You just sound like - maybe like you're kind of sick of being a man-slut?"
Kaden laughed that deep, rumbling laugh of his and shook his head. "Yeah, I think so. You want to hear something fucked up?"
"Uh, sure," I said, not sure where the conversation was going.
"One of the colleges that's trying to get me to attend - well, one of the people who works for them - basically offered me a hooker last week."
I felt my eyes widening. "Really?!"
"Yeah. I mean, he didn't say 'we have hookers for you' but he really heavily hinted that if I went for an orientation visit, there would be a lot of 'pretty girls.' I've heard about that kind of thing happening, but damn, even I was surprised."
We sat in the Suburban talking until the sun started to go down and I knew I had to get home and deal with dinner. I have to admit I was a little shocked by what Kaden had told me about being offered 'girls' just to pay a visit to a college. I was vaguely aware that college football players were treated like gods but that was so sleazy I could hardly believe it. Was that how it was going to be for him, even if they weren't hookers? Just like high school but with even more and prettier women? When we got to my house I leaned over to give Kaden a kiss on the cheek - I didn't know who was in the house or who might be looking out the window.
"Tasha." He said, when I went to open the door. "Hold up."
I turned back towards him. "What?"
"Go to prom with me."
He was trying to make it seem like he'd only just remembered to ask the question but I could tell from the look on his face that that wasn't the case.
I smiled. "Are you pretending like you only just remembered to ask me that? Like it slipped your mind or something?"
Kaden held up his hands and laughed. "Yeah, you got me. So what do you say? Go to prom with a football jock and make me look good in the photos?"
Prom. I had already planned to go to prom - with Lena and the rest of the girls. But they knew about Kaden and I knew they wouldn't begrudge me an actual date. Before any worries about prom-night clichés could enter my mind I just opened my mouth and said the word "yes" to Kaden. He responded by slapping the dashboard and yelling "Yesssss!" loud enough that I was pretty sure people in the house could hear it.
We just stayed there grinning at each other like a couple of idiots for a few seconds before I said I had to get dinner ready.
"Cool," he replied. "See you tomorrow then?"
"See you tomorrow."
At the last minute I climbed back into the front seat so we could give each other one last kiss. Kaden added another one right on my dimple and I practically floated the short distance up to the front door and into the house.
As soon as the door was closed I saw my mother on the couch, watching me. Beside her sat a small silver oxygen tank and I tried not to look at the plastic tubing that snaked its way up to her nostrils. She needed it, I knew that. I just hated how old it made her look.
"You like that boy, Tash?" She asked, the corner of her mouth twitching with a smile.
"Yeah, I guess," I said, trying to keep my voice neutral.
"You guess, do you? Looks like young love to me, girl. You just be careful, OK? You're going to be a great mother some day, Tash, but we've already got one baby in the-"
"Mom!" I screeched, as heat rose in my cheeks. "It's not like that."
"Oh isn't it? Well it will be soon, you mark my words. I saw the way you two were looking at each other."
So someone had been watching us. "Do you have any ideas for dinner?" I asked, desperate to change the topic to literally anything else.
"I'm not picky, you make what you feel like eating yourself. Ray won't be home until ten so we can leave his in the fridge."
"Are you sure?" I asked, trying to coax something out of her. She wasn't eating enough. Ray had called the doctor and confirmed that our mother needed to halt the weight loss that had already started and we were all doing our best to address it with her gently, without making her feel like she was being bossed around or treated like a child. My mother was like me in that way - she couldn't stand being patronized.
"Well, if it makes no difference to you, I wouldn't mind using up the rest of that ham that Alisha cooked on Sunday. Maybe with some peas or beans? I put some in the fridge to soak overnight."
"Mom," I scolded, gently. "You don't need to do that. I'm handling it, OK?"
My mother waved her frail-looking hand at me, laughing. "I can still soak beans, Tash. You can't just let me do nothing, you know, I'll die of boredom."
I wished so much that she would stop making jokes about her death. I knew she did it as a coping mechanism but it made my heart ache.
"Alright, mom," I told her. "That's OK. Thank you for soaking the beans for me."
I headed into the kitchen with my mother's affectionate "Damn right!" hanging in the air behind me.
Chapter 9: Kaden
One of my teammates at Reinhardt got himself a serious girlfriend during the summer after tenth grade. They were still together and he was still an object of almost constant joshing from the rest of us. I think 'pussy-whipped' was our go-to crack. Getting to know Tasha was, for me, kind of a rude awakening to what an immature asshole I was being. Somehow the guy with the long-term girlfriend had become an object of jocular ridicule simply because he appeared to care about his girlfriend - about what she thought and what she wanted - and now that I found myself in the same unfamiliar territory, it got me thinking. And it didn't take long for my teammates to notice that what had been a succession of almost interchangeable, skinny-ass blondes had now become a single girl - Natasha Greeley - and that she was neither blonde nor skinny-ass. They started to give me some of the shit we'd given our buddy. It didn't bother me, because it wasn't really mean-spirited, but it was a learning experience being on the other side of it. I ran into Aaron - the dude with the serious girlfriend - after practice one day after taking a thorough razzing for leaving early to go and have dinner with Natasha and her family. As soon as he saw my face he busted out laughing and slapped me on the back.
"Shit, Barlow, now you know how it feels, huh?"
"Yeah," I replied. "I guess I do. I'm sorry, man. I didn't - I don't think I realized what a bunch of shitheads we were being."
"Don't worry about it," Brandon reassured me in that happily relaxed manner of his. "I was just the first one out of all of us to get into a serious relationship, you know? It's gonna happen to all of you sooner or later - and believe me, when it does I'll be there to laugh at your dumb asses!"
I must have had a weird look on my face because Branden suddenly changed his tone after catching my eye. "Hey," he said, "don't take any of that shit seriously, bro. They're still all caught up in being pussy slayers - we're about to graduate, they'll grow out of it."
"Oh, I know," I replied, slightly uncomfortable at the rather adult nature of the conversation. I was definitely more used to making dick jokes with the guys. "It's so strange, though, man. I honestly thought you were kind of...I don't know, faking it a little? Something like that? But now I'm with Natasha it just - things feel pretty different, you know?"
"Yeah, of course. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with banging a new girl every week, but sometimes you meet one and it's not like she's sucking you in or forcing you to do shit - it's just that you want to do it, right?"
Goddammit, Brandon was right. He was so completely right. I laughed out loud - more at myself and the situation than anything else. "Fuck, man. Yeah, that's it. I don't even know if she even wants me to be all respectful and shit, it's like it's just happening, you know? I hardly ever even curse around her! And it's like it's just happening, like it's not a choice I'm
making at all."
Brandon's dad pulled up in front of us in his new midlife crisis Audi. "That's a fuckin' nice car," I commented.
"I'll tell my dad you said that," Brandon chuckled. "You should see his face when he drives that thing and he doesn't think anyone is looking. Pretty sure he thinks he's James Bond. Anyway, man. It's a shocker isn't it, who knew girls were for more than just pumping and dump-"
"Hey!" I snapped, cutting Brandon off, instantly on the defensive. "whoever said I thought that was-"
"Chill, bro," he laughed and I cringed a little at the realization that he'd only been joking - and that I'd taken it so seriously I'd gotten visibly worked up. Shit. "If you ever need any advice or anything, just ask me. Amber is honestly the coolest person I know, but that doesn't mean she doesn't make me want to lose my fuckin' mind every now and again. Just don't act all defensive and shit. Women hate that."
"Thanks, man." I said, still smarting from the comment about pumping and dumping as Brandon got into his dad's car. I watched the car pull out of the parking lot and got to wondering why it had gotten under my skin, especially when nothing any of the other guys had said after practice - which basically amounted to the confirmed fact, in their opinion, that I was fully and completely Natasha Greeley's bitch and that this was the most hilarious thing they'd ever heard - had even gotten close to bothering me.
Fuck. Was it true? About seeing girls as things to fuck and nothing else? I looked down at my phone, desperate to give myself an excuse not to think about it. It was still a little early but I could head over to Tasha's, no problem. I was getting to know her family a little and it was surprisingly enjoyable. I mean, I would probably have spent time at the local sewage works if it meant seeing Tasha, but there was something oddly comforting about being at her house. First of all, there were a lot of them. The atmosphere was so different from the one in my own family home. I don't mean to denigrate my parents - they made their choices and did their best and I was never going to have to worry about money because of it - even if I didn't make it to the NFL. But Tasha's home had people in it all the time. It was small, but it was full of laughter and support and all of those things you usually associate with the word 'family.' I messaged her that I was on my way and walked off to find my Suburban in the parking lot, thankful that I didn't have to think about what Brandon had said anymore.
Later that night, after I'd eaten with Tasha's family and made Rosa laugh until she almost puked by chasing her around the house and roaring like a monster whenever I caught her, Tasha and I were sitting on the front stoop.
'You can't see the stars for shit in town," I commented, looking up.
"What?" Tasha asked. She was wearing a skirt and I had my hand on her soft, warm thigh underneath it. Just the thought of how close I was to her panties had me rock hard, as I generally was around her all the time when we were alone.
"Uh, the stars," I said, distracted by that perfect thigh under my hand. "Too much light pollution. Out in the hills, you can see way more stars than this. Sometimes you can even see the Milky Way, really faintly."
"Really?" Tasha asked skeptically as she leaned her head in against my shoulder. God I fucking loved it when she did that. This is probably going to sound dumb as hell but goddamn if she didn't make me feel like a man. All protective and shit.
"Yeah. We should go camping this summer - I used to go out there all the time as a kid with my dad. I still have a tent and all the gear. We should go."
"Camping?" Tasha asked warily, looking up at me. "Isn't that, like, sleeping on the ground?"
I laughed. "Well, yeah, I suppose. But you have a little sleeping mat thing to lie on. And it's just really different to be out there in the hills, alone. So quiet. I bet you'd enjoy it. Come on!"
She kept looking at me, as if trying to figure out whether or not she was being tricked. Then she just shrugged her shoulders and nodded. "OK, Kaden. I'll go camping with you. I'm probably not going to know how to do anything but-"
"Don't worry about it," I told her. "I know how to put up a tent. And I know how to kill snakes."
"Snakes?"
"I'm kidding. There aren't any snakes - well, there aren't any harmful ones, anyway."
Tasha agreed to go camping because of me. She didn't say it, but I just knew it. She wouldn't have gone camping with anyone else. I still didn't know everything there was to know about her but I did know she wasn't naturally outdoorsy. It made me feel proud that I'd managed to convince her so easily.
"Ha ha, look at you," she said, smiling. "All proud of yourself."
She wasn't naturally outdoorsy, that was true. But she was already almost freakishly good at reading my thoughts - better than I was, most of the time.
Chapter 10: Natasha
Reinhardt High's prom was held in late May. Other than my mom, who spent her afternoons resting in bed in those days, I had the house to myself on the actual day. The first thing I did was prepare dinner for everyone and put it in the fridge so they would have something to eat that night. Butterflies fluttered in my belly as I mixed the dough for biscuits and I tried in vain to ignore them. Why was I nervous? It was just a school dance, right? I'd been to a lot of school dances over the years.
My nerves weren't about prom, though. I was just telling myself they were, pretending that there wasn't something else, some other milestone, hanging in front of me like a tantalizing but somewhat scary exotic fruit.
Kaden messaged me at 1:30 in the afternoon: "I'm bored."
I messaged back: "Don't you have to get ready?"
"Already did. Haircut, suit fitted. Bored. Want to go for a drive?"
My reply was a single word: "Yes."
By that time, I knew very well what 'going for a drive' meant. It meant what it always meant when Kaden and I managed to spend any time alone. That's why I said yes. Because even though I still wasn't anywhere close to being ready and even though I was tight with a fizzy, unknown kind of anticipation, I wanted to be with Kaden. I always wanted to be with him. It was obvious he thought he was the only one holding back, being patient, but he wasn't. I felt the same way. It was like there was a war going on inside me between the rational part of my brain: "He's leaving, you're already too into him, what if an accident happens?" and the irrational part of my brain, which was basically unable to think about anything outside of how sweet and perfect his hands felt when he put them on my body...and how pliant and willing his kisses made me feel.
In the SUV, Kaden clamped his hand to my thigh as soon as I was inside and we were heading out along the old main road, towards the hills. I felt my legs opening slightly, automatically.
"I love the way you do that," Kaden said, although I hadn't seen him take his eyes off the road.
"Do what?" I asked, because I wanted to hear him say it even if I was pretty sure I knew what it was.
"That thing when I touch you. I can feel your muscles relax when I put my hands on you."
I looked out the window, because if I hadn't looked out of the window I would have unbuckled my seatbelt, crawled across the center console onto Kaden's lap and started kissing him. I thought he'd been talking about the way my legs opened, just a little. But the other thing? The way my body just went all limp and warm when he touched me? He'd noticed that? I could hardly breathe the tension between us was so thick.
He sped up a little as we sat next to each other, more aware of each other's bodies than either of us had ever been aware of anything before. And when we got up into the hills Kaden took a narrow, washed-out dirt road he hadn't taken before and pulled to a stop on a rocky bluff overlooking Little Falls.
I got out and stood beside the Suburban looking at the view as an intimation of inevitability floated past on the warm summer breeze.
"Your hair looks good like that."
"Huh?" I turned towards Kaden, snapping out of my own thoughts. His own hair was freshly shorn and damn if it didn't make his broad, square-jawed face look even hotter than usual. "My hair?"
"Yeah," he said, pulling a blanket out of the back seat. "You always have it up - I like it all flying around like that."
'Flying around.' Ha, that was cute. The truth was, I hadn't even remembered to do anything with my hair after washing it - it was down and not styled and I don't think Kaden had ever seen it like that before. I eyed the blanket in his arms and couldn't help making a jokey comment.
"Am I that much of a sure thing?"
"What?" He asked.
"The blanket - just how confident are you, Kaden Barlow? What if I'm not done torturing you yet?"
He turned around suddenly and put his arm around my waist, pulling me, hard, against his body. Then he leaned down and kissed my neck, just below my earlobe.
"And what if I'm not done torturing you yet, Natasha Greeley? I brought the blanket because the ground is wet up here sometimes. But-" Kaden turned his head towards me and kissed the corner of my mouth - "I'm open to other ideas if you have any."
I couldn't help turning to him, seeking out his lips with mine. Within seconds we were wrapped around each other. Everything about Kaden's body drove me crazy. He was so big - so tall and solid and warm and alive. All I wanted to feel was him against me. He was hard, too. I was no longer so bashful around Kaden's hard cock. I'd even touched it a few times, mostly through his sweatpants. I liked the way his eyes closed and his mouth opened when I did it. But there was a part of me that was still jumpy, still unsure. For one thing, it was so damn big. At least it felt big. I didn't have any experience with penises. I'd even talked about it with Lena and Maisie, both of whom had confirmed that if it felt big in a guy's pants, then it was probably big out of them.
Kaden spread the blanket on the ground and lay down, shielding his eyes as he grinned up at me. "You just going to stand there all afternoon?"
I was definitely not going to stand there all afternoon. But I sensed, after weeks of holding back, of stopping myself when the only thing I wanted was to keep going, that if I let Kaden Barlow put his hands on me one more time, I was done for. I think I wanted to be done for. To let go of the need to stay in control of myself - my emotions and my heart - at all times. So I stayed where I was, not taking my eyes off Kaden's, and pulled my t-shirt off over my head.
