by Imani King
I thought about that for a few seconds. But Kaden hadn't seemed that way, not with me. It was one of the reasons I was so shocked when I saw what I saw. "He didn't seem like that," I told Alisha. "I mean, it's not like I have a ton of experience with guys or anything but he seemed...sincere. You know?"
"Well," she said, ladling mashed potatoes into a serving dish. "Maybe you should meet up with him then? Just to talk. And if you get any bad vibes then you can just leave, no harm no foul."
"Yeah. I guess so. I told him I'd take his call, anyway, so we'll see."
That night, just as I was settling into bed, my phone chirped. I grabbed it. A message from Kaden:
"Hi Tasha. I thought it might be better to text, not sure how much you want to talk to me right now. But I do need to talk to you. So let me know what time tomorrow or the next day. I meant what I said about missing you. - K."
Chapter 17: Kaden
I didn't like the look on Tasha's beautiful face when I saw her - before she saw me - seated at a table at the coffee shop where we were meeting. I already didn't like the fact that she'd insisted we meet on neutral ground, somewhere where we wouldn't be alone. It just didn't bode well, as far as I could see it. And that look. Not angry, but not happy, either. More resigned than anything.
When she saw me she looked up and gave me a small, tight smile.
"Hi Kaden."
"Hi," I replied, sitting down opposite her.
I thought there might be some small talk first but she just launched straight into it.
"So," she said, stirring her coffee and refusing to quite meet my eyes. "I've been thinking about what you said. And I still don't know, Kaden. I mean, how can I know if you're telling the truth? I can't, can I? But I guess I agreed to meet up because I'm willing to put this behind us. Maybe it was innocent, maybe-"
I leaned across the table towards her. "It was, Tasha. It was innocent. I promise you. I swear to you, straight-up, that what I told you was the truth - I thought Kelsey was you. As soon as I realized she wasn't, I stopped."
"OK," she said, softly. "OK, Kaden. I think I believe you. Maybe that's stupid of me but what you said made sense in a lot of ways. And if that's really what happened then I just want to say to you that I am sorry. I was really hurt. Like, I didn't even know it was possible to hurt that much. I trusted you and then I just felt so bad. I still feel bad."
"Why?" I asked her, tentatively hopeful based on what she was saying. If she believed me, there was hope, right?
"Because I just wasn't thinking. I mean, not after prom but before it, I guess. You're leaving - it'll only be a few weeks now, won't it?"
"Yeah. But I'm only going to be a few hours away, Tasha. I can drive home to see you every weekend. Or we can-"
"Kaden."
"What?"
"That isn't going to happen. Please don't start spinning fairytales about how we can have a relationship when you're three hours away at college and I'm still here in Little Falls with a full-time job and a lot of other responsibilities on top of that. Just, please, don't."
A little pit of dread had opened up in my stomach. She said she believed me - or, that she was willing to believe me, anyway. So why did her tone of voice, her expression, everything just feel like it was all about to end? "Spinning fairytales," I asked. "You think that's a fairytale? I can drive three hours no problem. You could come to my games-"
"Kaden!" She stopped me again, more forcefully that time. "I'm sure you're aware of how busy you're going to be with football, right? I mean, what makes you think your weekends are even going to be free? What makes you think mine are? Alisha's applying for a weekend job, which means I'll have to be home during the day to look after my niece - if she gets it, anyway. It just - it doesn't seem realistic. It seems like you're grasping at straws."
"And it seems to me like you're just looking for excuses," I told her, sounding more upset than I meant to. "If you don't believe me, Tasha, just say so. There's no need to go beating around the bush, pretending like this is about me going to college or whatever."
She finally looked up at me then, exasperated. "It's not about whether or not I believe you, Kaden, is it? Not really, I mean? And I said I do, OK? And you're right, it's not just about you going away to college..."
"Well, what is it about?" I asked, frustrated. "Damn, Tasha. Things were so great between us. I know how I felt and I'm pretty sure you felt the same way."
"Well,' she replied, sighing. "It's about - Kaden, it's about everything. It's about my life - and your life. You say going to college isn't a big deal but it is and I think deep down you know that. You're going to have a whole different life at college. The last thing I want is to be some kind of anchor, pulling you back to Little Falls, missing you all the time, resenting you when you can't come. And, God, I guess I should just say this, even if it's embarrassing. This whole thing with you kind of scared the hell out of me, you know."
I wasn't really thinking straight by that point. I heard the last thing Tasha said, about being scared, but I didn't take it in, I was in too much of a panic to convince her - and myself - that me going away to college and her staying in Little Falls didn't have to be a big deal. That our relationship could continue on just as it had been before prom night. So when I answered it was just basically a repetition of what I'd already said - telling her she was mistaken, we could have a real relationship even if we didn't live in the same town, even if I was playing football and she was working full-time to support her family etc. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work. We chatted for a little longer, most of it small talk, until Tasha reached for her bag.
"I've got to go, Kaden. I'm on baby duty this evening. I need to stop off at the grocery store and get some things for dinner, too."
"Wait," I said, getting up and following her outside. "Tasha, just hold on. Wait a minute."
She turned to me, annoyed. "What, Kaden? What haven't we talked about? I told you how I feel about all this and you just, all you've done is reiterate over and over that you think it'll all be fine."
"But it will be!" I told her, hating the pleading tone that was creeping into my voice. "If we both work at it, it will be. Why wouldn't you want to try? I mean, I thought things were really good with us before - before all this. Weren't they?"
Tasha looked away for a few seconds. When she looked back, her eyes were glassy with tears she was desperately trying to blink away. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes they were. But I think you're wrong when you say that your college and football and my working all the time won't make things difficult. And I just don't know if I can take getting hurt again, Kaden."
"But it wasn't my-"
"I know it wasn't! I mean, now I know. But we still got hurt, didn't we? I couldn't even get out of bed for days. And when I did I felt so bad it was like I was a different person. I mean, that's terrifying to me, don't you get it? You're asking me to risk going through that again. You're promising me you can change your whole lifestyle and it doesn't even seem like you've thought about it at all. It seems like you're just saying anything you can to get me to go along with you."
I paused, looking down at Tasha's sad, pretty face. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her. To make her believe that I could be the man she wanted me to be. "Well, why wouldn't I say that?" I asked. "I - Tasha, I really fucking like you. Like, a lot. OK? More than I've ever liked any girl before. I'm trying not to lose you. What do you expect me to say?"
It wasn't working. There was a barrier there and I couldn't get past it. I didn't know how to get past it.
"OK," she said. "Kaden, I'm not saying we can never talk again or anything like that. We can still talk on the phone and message and even go out for coffee like we just did. But I can't give you anything more, not right now. I'm trying to explain why but I can see from your face that you don't get it."
"You're right," I snapped, angry at the way she seemed to be writing me off. "I don't get it. I don't get it at all. It's like you want this to end. Is that it? Are you j
ust too cowardly to dump me?"
Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Before I'd even finished speaking Tasha was walking away from me, the same way she had in a different parking lot all those years ago. There was no spaghetti sauce on her legs this time but everything else was the same - the stiff gait, the way she held her head high, all of it.
"Tasha!" I yelled, because I didn't know what else to do.
She stopped walking. Then she turned around and ran back to me, burying her face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her so tightly I wasn't sure she could breathe properly. She made a sound - I think it was a sob. Just a single one. Then she turned her head up to me for a few seconds, looking me right in the eyes. I bent down to kiss her but she ducked away, disentangling herself from my arms and walking off again. That time, she didn't come back. I stood frozen to the spot for a minute, staring after her as she left.
I managed not to lose my shit before getting back into the Suburban and slamming the door closed behind me. It was only then that I punched the dashboard hard enough to leave a dent and sat there in the driver's seat raging. I don't even know who I was raging at. Tasha? Myself? The fact that she'd walked away even after she knew that what had happened at prom wasn't my fault? I was used to getting my own way in those days. Not getting it was cause for an explosion of adolescent rage. If I'd been just a little bit smarter I would have realized the anger was just a cover for something else - hurt, loss. She was gone. I knew it. And it felt like she'd ripped out my heart and taken it with her.
Chapter 18: Kaden
Tasha said she was OK with messaging, talking on the phone, meeting up for coffee - those sorts of things. So that's what we did. She was on lockdown, though, in spite of our continued communication. It was almost worse than not being with her at all - the cool, casual tone of her messages, the way she gathered up her things in a businesslike manner after we met somewhere to talk. And she always left before I wanted her to.
By the time August rolled around I was thoroughly sick of it. Not sick of Tasha, but sick of the torture of not being able to be with her the way I wanted, the constant longing - a longing I sometimes saw reflected briefly in her own eyes before she looked away or changed the subject abruptly. One day, it hit me. Later than it should have. She was done with me. There wasn't anything else I could do. I went to sleep that night with an emptiness in my heart. When I woke up the first thing I did was go straight downstairs and inform my parents that I'd changed my mind about going to the State university.
My parents looked at me, and then at each other, realizing that this meant I was now open to going to Brooks - the top football university in the country and the place they'd always wanted me to go. "Are you - are you sure, son?" My father asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. It's a better program at Brooks. And, hey, it's in California! I don't know why I was so resistant." That was a lie because I did know why I'd been so resistant, but there was no need to tell my parents that. They had wanted me to go to Brooks ever since it became obvious that I had the real potential to go on to the NFL.
My mom looked down at her phone. "It's almost September, Kaden. Don't you think it's a little too late to be making this decision?"
"They'll take him." My dad replied before I could. "They've been trying to recruit him since he was in the tenth grade, we don't need to worry about timing." He looked up at me. "Do you want to call them or should I?"
And there it was. A thirty-second conversation that profoundly changed the course of my life. It took me a while to accept that things were never going to go back to the way they were with Tasha but I did manage it, eventually. And once I'd accepted it there was no reason not to go to Brooks. Within forty-eight hours of talking to my parents, my enrollment was confirmed. Classes started on September sixth and the first football practice was the very next day. I barely had any time to pack, let alone adjust to the new reality. And I didn't tell Tasha, either. Not until I arrived at Brooks, anyway. My parents took me out for dinner and then we said good-bye. My mom cried a little before they got in a cab to go back to the airport, but neither of them could conceal their pride.
The football players had much better dorms than the regular, non-football-playing students. For one thing, we got our own rooms. Mine was in one of the oldest buildings on campus, a Victorian stone mansion covered in ivy, just like all my mental images of college had led me to expect. My room had dark hardwood floors and eleven-foot ceilings. The communal area was huge and packed with leather sofas. Someone told me later that it used to be a ballroom.
After meeting a few of the other players that day, I finally went up to my room at about ten o'clock, not sleepy at all. All of my teammates so far had looked huge and fit in a way that those at Reinhardt High hadn't. I was no longer a big fish in a small pond. Was I going to be able to hold my own? I let the thought rattle around my head for a few minutes before calling Tasha.
"Hello?"
It was odd to hear her voice - so familiar - in such unfamiliar surroundings.
"Hey, Tasha. It's me."
"Kaden. What's up? Why are you calling this late?"
I looked down at my watch, confused, and then realized we were in different time zones now. It was after ten where she was, which meant her mom and her niece would be sleeping.
"Shit," I said. "I forgot about the time difference. I'm not calling from Little Falls."
"You're not? Where are you?"
"I'm at Brooks. In California."
There was a long pause from her end. Then she said a single word: "What?"
Her voice wobbled. It made my chest tighten with - with what? Sadness? I didn't know. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I knew she'd just blow me off.
"Brooks. Changed my mind at the last minute and just flew in today. I'm in my dorm room right now."
"Are you?" Tasha asked, and I could hear her taking one of those deep breaths she takes when she's trying to compose herself. When she spoke again, the wobble in her voice was gone. She was back to her usual assured self. "Wow, Kaden. You sure left that to the last second, didn't you? What made you change your mind?"
"I dunno," I lied. Surely she must have known? "It's the best program in the country - they've been trying to recruit me for years. My parents wanted me to go. There wasn't any reason not to, really."
"Yeah," she replied. "You're right. I guess I should say congratulations then? When's your first game?"
"I don't even know," I laughed. I just got here. First practice is tomorrow. Who knows if I'll even be playing? I'm not the king of the mountain anymore - not here, anyway."
"I doubt that, Kaden. There's a reason you had NFL scouts at all your high school games."
"Well," I replied. "I guess we'll see."
"I guess we will."
We chatted for a few more minutes but Tasha had to get to sleep - and so did I. After we hung up I turned out the light and lay in my bed in the darkness. The window was open and a warm, Californian summer breeze was blowing the curtain back and forth. I think I knew, on some level, that that was going to be the last time I spoke to Natasha Greeley for a long time.
She was right, too. About how busy college life was going to prove to be. And about how well I would do on the team. The coach made a gesture towards not immediately promoting me but within four games I was the starting quarterback. I was also a celebrity. Not the kind of celebrity I'd been in Little Falls, either. In Little Falls, sure, everyone knew who I was. Little kids would ask me for autographs. Girls would always be trying to hang out with me at parties or during class, and some of them were what I'd thought of as forward with their intentions.
Brooks was something else. It had one of the biggest student populations in the country and every single one of them seemed to be completely obsessed with football. I don't think I bought my own drinks once the entire time I was there. Professors went out of their way to give me extension after extension on assignments. And the girls, well. Let's just say if I thought Little Falls g
irls were forward, I didn't know a goddamned thing. Within the first week, everyone knew who I was.
Less than four days after arriving, I was standing outside my Introduction To English Literature class talking to a couple of my teammates who were also in it. Soon enough, a couple of girls from class joined us. I just assumed they must have been friends with the other two guys but when they left, the girls didn't. One of them, a blonde wearing booty shorts so short I was surprised she hadn't been arrested, smiled up at me, completely confident.
"I'm Ashley," she said, holding out her hand.
"And I'm Heather," said the other one, doing the same.
I smiled and shook their hands. They weren't unattractive girls. That wasn't why I wanted to get away from them. I wasn't exactly sure why that was what I wanted. When I tried to make my excuses and leave, after a short chit-chat session in which both girls did their best to spark my attention, Ashley - the blonde - reached out and took my phone out of my hand, entering her own number.
"There," she said, looking me right in the eye. "Now you know who to call if you ever need two pairs of lips on your cock. Nothing serious. We're just really good at sucking dick and you're cute as hell."
I barely suppressed laughter. Not because it was funny but because it was so goddamned bold. Neither of them betrayed a single ounce of embarrassment or shame. Not that they should have but, yeah. Brooks was a new world, is what I'm saying. And Ashley and Heather were the first among many, many women who seemed to be willing to do almost anything I wanted at the drop of a hat.
I chuckled and took my phone back. "Uh, sure, ladies. I think I'm good for tonight but I'll keep you in mind. You know, should the need arise."
Ashley and Heather never did get a call from me. Bad timing for them, I guess. Not even eight months previously and I would have been more than happy to give them what they wanted. But something was different by then. I wasn't that stupid, horny kid anymore. I mean, mostly, I was. But Tasha Greeley had changed something in me, and I was starting to realize that it wasn't going to go back to the way it was. There was also football. A lot of the other players lived typical lives - when they weren't practicing or playing they were partying or fucking the kind of hot, random, completely available girls that were literally everywhere at Brooks.
