by Lya Lively
“No, it’s fine. I was just-,” He shuffled through the drawers a second more, glancing at the side of the fridge before giving up and reaching for his phone out of his pocket. “Oh well, you can use mine, no biggie.”
I looked down at the dark, plastic object as he held it, I silently refused to touch it, and “Do you have her number?”
He nodded, gesturing for me just to take it. It was a black flip phone in good condition; I just thought they were extinct.
“Thanks,” I mumbled carelessly, refusing to look up at him, and grabbed it quickly from his hands.
“Oh,” he said sounding somewhat thoughtless, “you touched my hand.”
“Yeah, I didn’t like it either,” I lied quickly, ignoring his seemingly uncomfortable expression.
His screensaver was him hugging some blonde girl with what looked like green eyes, on a beach. It looked like a modeling picture in an ad; I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel real. “Who’s the blonde?” I asked when I finally got Kara’s number dialed. The phone buzzed in my ear periodically.
He shrugged, “Ex.”
I nodded a silent “Ah.” I almost felt bad for asking, but then Kara picked up the other line, so I pushed it away.
“Are you guys coming? Is she ready?” she asked somewhat frantically.
I gasped, “You knew?” I scorned Noah. I felt slightly betrayed, like what was the point of playing along when Drew got here if you knew the entire time anyway?
He looked at me wide-eyed for a minute, considering if he did, in fact, know before now. Finally, something sparked, “Oh. Crap.” He mumbled. “Uh, Drew’s coming over later for a group thing... My bad.” He looked genuinely pained.
“Oh! Hayden? What’re you doing on Noah’s phone?”
“Wondering when we planned a group date,” I responded.
We talked a few minutes longer; she explained that the whole thing was some ploy to try and get her and Cameron back together and she thought one of the boys would tell me before. So we agreed that the few of us could just go out and meet up at the coffee shop down the street to hang out. At first, Drew was a little uncomfortable about going to his work on his day off, but I was also dreading spending more time with Noah and pretending we didn’t kiss and he isn’t a shitty guy; so I guess we would just both have to be miserable as a couple.
***
On the way there we passed a music store, I held my gaze, remembering when my dad first got me my guitar. I also remembered my grandfather; he was an old, brittle man, but he sure could play some guitar.
My dad said that Pap used to play for him when he was a kid, and they would sing together and such. Pap, I would say, was a lot of the reason I got into music just because he was the reason my dad loved it so much. It was our thing. It was a good thing. I guess that’s why they’re right when they say, “All good things must come to an end.” But, in reality, everything does. We just learn to accept that happiness will leave us because it makes losing everything else so much easier.
I was thrown out of reality by the simplest bump in the road, jolting me slightly forward to catch against my seat belt.
***
I tripped over my own feet causing me to land heavily on a couple of stairs ahead of me. The loud thumping sound my elbows made when they hit the third stair from the top was what startled me more than the actual act of falling. But I was able to catch my balance on one of the steps, my parents arguing quietly downstairs. They were too absorbed in their dumb arguments to even ask if I was okay when surely my elbows made a thumping sound against the edge of the upper step.
With attitude, I responded anyway, “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for asking!” I called down.
I waited for a second or two for at least some sort of response, but things remained at their low mumbling roar. So instead I gave up and hid away in my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
I didn’t bother taking a second even to glance at the books on my bookcase, I had already known which of the two overused, and slightly worn, books from my dresser I would grab. I lifted my personal copy of the Great Gatsby from under my songwriting journal and gripped it tight before laying down in my bed, picking a random place in the book, and reading.
The book was a gift from my Honors English teacher in tenth grade right before he retired because he said that inside of me he saw a “potential to write as beautifully as this.”
Continue this flashback to maybe 500 words... fill with parents fighting right before she sneaks out and goes to Eric’s crying. (Some parts might be missing) and this didn’t happen with the kerosene in the scene at all!!!
Left off writing...
SEVENTEEN
Hayden
I unintentionally sighed, Noah noticed. I was sitting in the back of the Taxi with him, while Drew sat in the front. Cam and Kara were going to meet us there because Kara is trying to get Cam to be ‘healthier’ and is making him walk with her. My heart goes out to the guy; I tell you what.
“You okay?” He whispered.
I nodded mindlessly. “Just thinking about my dad,” I whispered back. It almost sounded unreal when I said it; I could have sworn I remained silent, and the world was still a harmless place for a second. However, the feeling quickly left me beside the boy who simultaneously stole and broke my heart without batting an eyelash.
I stared into his light gray eyes and saw more than just some person, an awkward union of flesh and bone, sitting before me. Instead, I saw the sympathetic stare that overtook him the night he kissed me... I couldn’t help but blush, feeling the confining [blah, blah] of his stare. “It’s whatever,” I quickly added.
He nodded understandingly, switching his gaze out the window. “So,” He spoke loudly now so the entire Taxi could hear him. “You play guitar.”
“I do,” I said. “And you?”
“I do,” he said awkwardly. “So, what motivates you?
I thought back to my first night, “Life.” I said simply, “You?”
He sat thinking for a moment, and then shook his head softly with innocence and question, “I’m not sure yet; it kind of just happens.”
I nodded at him understandingly, shifting my gaze out my window and then back to him. His body seemed heavy against the soft seats, his right hand fidgeting mindlessly with his seatbelt button while the other rested on the door handle.
A part of me wanted his hand to slide across the seat and secretly hold mine again, but instead I just clasped my hands together in my lap. He’s not worth it; I thought indecisively tilting the band around my fedora to sneak looks at him, he doesn’t even think that I am.
I smiled pathetically, hating every little piece of myself that thought this whole thing might work. Drew likes you, I thought pressingly. I glanced back over at Noah, who had fallen silent, plus Drew is an overall warmer person; Noah is just too closed off to you. You need someone who’s better to you. He caught me staring when my eyes fell back onto his burn, “So how are you liking the city,” Drew asked from the front of the cab.
I studied Noah a moment longer, our gazes overlapping meaninglessly. “I mean, it’s pretty,” I said carelessly.
“Oh, yeah?” He asked again, trying to keep a conversation going. I don’t deserve him, I thought as my stomach began twisting into knots.
“Sure; it’s pretty,” I said mimicking Noah. “It’s got nice shops, long sidewalks, and interesting people.” I could feel my hands becoming cold and sweaty; if there was a God, he was currently glaring at me for quietly retaliating.
I could feel his slightly hopeful stare deteriorating as his eyes wandered back out the window. Guilt twisted in my chest; I really am a shitty person. My cheeks reddened, “Yeah I guess it is pretty great,” Drew agreed while smiling broadly.
***
When we finally arrived at the coffee shop Noah lagged behind to pay the cab driver; I rummaged quickly through my pockets, having completely forgotten about that part of taking a cab. I found about ten dollars of spare cash, but Noah b
rushed his hand across my shoulder as he went by me, “I got it, no worries.”
It did make me worry, though; I don’t like people thinking that they have to take care or responsibility of me. Drew held the door for me, but I politely took it from him, “Thanks.” I smiled awkwardly into his deep brown eyes; I hadn’t noticed before that they have golden flecks just around the pupils, and specs of choral blue on the outer edge of the irises.
I scanned my eyes over the people in the shop, partly studying the strange faces I would probably never see again as well as trying to find my ‘friends’ at their table. Noticing all of the people in the packed space caused something to crack within me, creating a sort of shard-like glass inside my chest. With every movement, it felt like a string of blades laced with poison floated within my chest carelessly around my heart threatening to damage whatever pieces of it remain. I haven’t been around this many people all at once in ages, I quietly realized.
The second my eyes fell on our table I expected some flood of relief, but instead, I saw Noah standing with his back to me and shoulders tight in an authoritative posture; my chest tightened. As I carefully stepped closer, Drew at my heels, I saw why.
Chloe Kristine Owens, Noah’s ex-girlfriend. She was even more dazzling in person, and she knew it. She sat straight up with confidence, long blonde hair cascading silkily down her back between her smooth, revealed shoulder blades. I was, needless to say, jealous of her and her twinkling green eyes. Cameron and Kara collectively looked up at me like helpless animals, as if they were passing on a message. However strange that may seem, I got it. I got it loud and clear.
“Noah... James... White...” She said slowly, making sure to emphasize every syllable in his name before returning her fingers to their place playing with her lips.
She spoke in such a casually taunting tone; it made me progressively self-conscious. Judging by the wide-eyed expression on Kara’s face you could tell that she was getting the same vibe, but Cameron and Drew seemed more or less cool about her tone. Cameron mostly wore concern if nothing else. It was as if Chloe had this weird sonar that only other girls could pick up on, but it had the ability to magnify all of our present insecurities by a million and adding a few on for good measure.
“What are you doing here, Chloe?” Noah said finally, spitting out her name like poison.
Kara quietly patted the seat next to her for me to sit in; it almost made me feel welcome, if not, balanced. “We feel free escaping – even if it’s only from the frying pan into the fire,” I whispered to her, my inner nerd applauding.
“Something like that,” she whispered back, “Hoffer.” Our smiles quickly faded when we returned to the unpleasant situation that Chloe was creating.
Drew sat down next to Cameron, leaving Noah and me on either side of Chloe, wishing we weren’t. We shared an uncomfortable glance, she noticed. She turned to look at me and formed a broad smile across her face, “So what? You’re like my replacement?” She laughed, but I felt my body go cold and hot all at once, embarrassment consuming me.
I was almost angry, but a part of me wanted to see where it would go. I contained a sadistic smirk and waited, listening patiently and hoping I wouldn’t allow her to frustrate me.
“Geez, Noah. And here I thought you could do better...” She spat smoothly, her voice soft and smooth.
Within seconds of hearing this, I stood; it was a habit I formed when Eric or I would get picked on in grade school, and I’d need to be up to fight the second confrontation presented itself. My stool pushed behind me effortlessly as my legs straightened out. Mentally, I saw myself knocking her teeth down her throat while her smug little face twisted in horror; instead, I decided it wasn’t worth it.
Instead, I let out a breath and smiled, “Getting a drink,” I quickly mumbled before I walked off toward the counter.
“Wow,” I heard her grating voice as I walked away from the table, “That was dramatic!” I could hear her laughing at my expense.
I made my way quickly over to the counter, feeling emotions flowing within me so powerfully I worried it might overflow and I would explode. I absent-mindedly ordered myself a drink.
The next thing I knew was Drew was walking shortly behind me, “Hey, don’t listen to her. You’re amazing. She just likes attention, and she feels like you’re a threat,” He said putting a hand gently on my shoulder blade before ordering soda for himself. “Do you want something? Like, anything to eat?”
I shook my head, “I’m not hungry.”
“And you don’t know that,” I mumbled childishly back to what he had said before, turning myself around to face the rest of the coffee shop and watch our table. I leaned my back against the counter; my elbows rested on the cool Formica.
“I do know that,” he reassured me. “I know girls like that; they’ll do whatever it takes-,”
I cut him off, “No,” I clarified, “that I’m amazing. You don’t know that, yet.”
He smiled at me, and I could feel him staring somewhat longingly. It made me uneasy; I had to fill the silence. “I don’t get what he sees in her,” I blurted, and I could instantly feel his expression change under the weight of his newly found disappointment.
He looked back at the group, staring at them for a second. “Do you like him?” He asked finally. He didn’t say a name, but without looking at him, I knew who he meant: Noah.
“No,” I said quickly, feeling doubt expanding in my chest. “It’s just...” I couldn’t think of anything, so I shook my head, “Who does she think she is?” I asked eventually, my frustration overcoming me.
“She’s just jealous. Hayden, you’re amazing.” There he went again, throwing around the a-word. Then he grabbed my hands from my sides and held them in his own. I was genuinely surprised, and to be perfectly honest, a little uncomfortable. I instantly felt the need to rest my forehead on his shoulder to keep him away... He’s moving too quickly, I thought timidly. Then again, Noah kissed me, and that was okay. Maybe I'm just hypocritical and close-minded.
Finally, a nice guy, someone who actually cares about and about me, is treating me well and I’d rather have feelings for someone who couldn’t care less if we never met? No; not this time. I will not push him away so quickly.
The moment seemingly lasted hours in front of everyone, though I’m sure most of them had better things to do than watch two teenagers canoodling. However, even with a logical mind, I felt like my emotions were on display to the world, especially when he whispered, “Hayden, you are beautiful.” He then leaned forward and kissed me gently on the cheek; I wasn’t sure how to react or what to think.
“Oh, okay,” I said pulling away awkwardly. “Thank you.” I had no clue how to process the entire situation, I just felt, wrong.
EIGHTEEN
Noah
I sat back in my chair, feeling the annoyance within me rise like hot air. I watched her leave from a distance and allowed the discomfort to continue as Drew went over to talk to her. I don’t get what she sees in him; I thought bitterly while the conversations at the table continued. I should just stand up and go over there to her; I should reassure her that Chloe was just stupid, and jealous, and Chloe.
I could feel my legs standing to walk over to her, I could feel the tingling of my body making the motions while I saw myself striding across the shop, and I could just picture her hesitant smile as I greeted her.
I watched cravingly as Drew picked up her hands from her sides and held them, he shouldn’t be touching her. It makes her uncomfortable to be in situations like that; I watched silently. I felt my body tense as he leaned forward and kissed her, she took a step back. He actually kissed her. It shouldn’t bother me, I thought again.
Rage boiled within me, though; my fists clenched at either side. I stood up savagely, staring into Chloe’s eyes while I spoke, “We can’t keep doing this.” My voice came out shaky and uneven as I whispered. I couldn’t help but glance back at Hayden, just catching her gaze for a second. I shook my head,
“Really can’t,” and got up and left.
I swung the door open dramatically, my vision flooded red. I had no reason to get angry the way I did. I could feel my jaw clenching as I impulsively ground my teeth. I’m doing my part; I’m playing the hand I was dealt and Hayden... My heart fluttered slightly in my chest when I thought about her short red hair capped off with a fedora.
It’s just beauty; I persuaded myself. I don’t even know her, nor do I want to. I need to get myself together, get my life together, for me. That’s first.
Hayden
I wanted my heart to melt; I wanted to fall into his arms and feel like there’s no place I’d rather be, but I couldn’t. I didn’t feel that way, not in the slightest. In fact, there were plenty of places I’d rather be. For instance, at a park (both child’s playground or amusement), back in my old bedroom with Eric reading crappy jokes off of used candy wrappers, in the school library where instead of studying for a test, I would sneak off to read and reread my favorite books.
Sure, he’s sweet, incredibly attractive, totally into me, and overall amazing, but it’s wrong. It’s just hard to let someone else love you when you’re still fighting to like yourself. I just wasn’t there yet.
Drew still held my hands, interlocking our fingers; I squeezed his hand tightly, forcing myself not to let the intimacy cause me to wince. I pushed all other thoughts aside; this is nice, but I couldn’t let myself believe it. Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I just let myself?
“You know, I’ve been thinking about us lately,” he said in a ‘right moment’ kind of way like he’d been waiting all this time just for me to listen finally.
“Oh yeah?” I asked curiously; anxiously I watched the table to find Noah had been looking at his with his eyes fixed particularly on Drew and our hands.
“Yeah, and I – I really like you, Hayden.” He said forcefully like the emotion made it too much for him even to speak.
