Oh, lord. She looked at her watch. He might still be there.
‘I’ll try,’ she said, and dialled the number and asked them to page him.
He came on the line a moment later, sounding crisp and efficient.
‘David? It’s Julia. I’m sorry to trouble you at work, but I don’t have your home number, and Katie wanted to ask you something.’
‘Look, I’m tied up just now. Can I pop in on my way home?’
He sounded harassed, and it flustered her into agreeing. ‘Sure. Sorry. It’s not important.’
‘Yes, it is!’ Katie protested, and she heard him chuckle.
‘Don’t worry. I’ll see you later—about six.’
Which, of course, was just when their supper would be ready. Julie looked at the little cottage pie in the oven and wondered if it would stretch to feed him as well. Not a chance. Oh, blast. Still, she didn’t want to invite him. She was busy telling him they didn’t have a relationship—she couldn’t then invite him for supper with the next breath! She peeled carrots and trimmed sprouts—just enough for the two of them—and by the time he arrived the table was laid for two and the supper was ready.
She opened the door and stood there in the hall, deliberately not inviting him in. ‘I’m sorry to drag you out of your way,’ she began, ‘but Katie wanted to ask you to come to her school nativity play. Please, feel free to say no.’
He laughed softly and leant against the doorframe. ‘I wouldn’t dream of disappointing the child. Just tell me when and where.’
Just then Katie realised he was there and came flying down the stairs, curls bouncing, and skidded up to him with a sparkling smile.
‘It’s my nativity play tomorrow night at school—can you come? I can have two people, and Mummy’s one of them, and I want you to be the other one. Please, say you can—please, please, please!’
‘Tomorrow?’ he said, hunkering down and pulling out his diary. ‘Let’s see—Tuesday. OK. What time?’
‘Six-thirty,’ Julia said. ‘At the school on Northgate Avenue, but parking’s a bit hit and miss.’
‘How will you get there?’ David asked her.
‘I’ll walk from here with her, a little early. You could park here and walk with us, but it might mean hanging around for a while, or you could meet us there—if you really can spare the time?’
He looked up at her, his eyes laughing. ‘Wild horses wouldn’t keep me away,’ he told her firmly, and any hope she’d harboured that he’d back out fizzled and died on the spot.
‘Have you come for supper?’ Katie asked, taking him by the hand and dragging him into the hall.
‘No—I haven’t been invited,’ he said, looking at Julia with teasing eyes over Katie’s head.
She felt colour sweep her cheeks, carried on the tide of a little rush of guilt. ‘Do you have plans for tonight?’ she asked, and he shook his head.
Her heart was in her mouth, but she forced herself to smile at him. ‘Would you like to spend the evening with us? It’s nothing special, but you’re welcome to join us, if you’d like. I can do some extra vegetables.’
David searched her eyes, seeing probably far too much, and then he smiled. ‘You’re trying to get out of the grouting,’ he said softly, and she laughed a little breathlessly.
‘You guessed. Well?’
‘I’ll stay—whatever the reason,’ he said quietly. ‘Thank you.’
‘It’s more or less ready. I just need to do the veg,’ she said, dragging her eyes from his and telling her heart to behave. ‘Come on through. Katie, go and wash your hands ready for supper, darling.’ And I’ll just spend the next twenty-four hours wondering how to introduce this gorgeous hunk to the other mothers without inspiring a whole host of searching questions!
The gorgeous hunk in question followed her down the hall to the kitchen, hanging his coat on the banisters on the way past and propping himself up against the worktop while she opened a tin of sweetcorn and heated it in the microwave. There was an apple pie lurking in the back of the freezer, and she gave that a whirl in the microwave, too, and put it into the oven to warm and crisp as she dished up, all under David’s watchful eye. ‘So why the change of heart?’ he asked softly, and she dolloped shepherd’s pie on the worktop instead of the plate.
‘Change of heart?’ she said, scraping it up and putting it onto her plate. ‘What makes you think I’ve had a change of heart?’
‘The fact that I’m in here having supper and not talking to you through the letterbox? The fact that earlier today you weren’t having anything to do with me, and tonight you ask me to your daughter’s nativity play?’
‘No,’ she corrected. ‘Katie asked you to her nativity play. It was her idea—and it’s just the sort of thing I was worried about. But it’s too late, because you’re coming now and I’m just going to have to deal with the fallout.’
‘Fallout?’
‘Fallout—as in, who was that man with you on Tuesday night?’
‘Ah. That sort of fallout.’
‘Mmm. Got any good ideas?’
He shrugged. ‘Tell them I’m a friend of the family. It’s not a lie.’
It was a definite thought, and a huge improvement on any of the things she’d come up with. Anyway, it was impossible to continue the conversation because Katie came bouncing in, hands still damp, and turned them palms up for inspection.
‘Lovely. Go and sit down, and take David with you and lay another place. I’ll bring the supper in a minute.’
Katie towed him away, and Julia sank back against the wall and sighed. Maybe letting him join them for supper had been a mistake, but it would have been impossible to retract Katie’s invitation without being unpardonably rude.
Damn.
Oh, well, the damage, if there was any, was done. Julia finished dishing up, took the plates through and put them down and drew up her chair.
‘I’m afraid there isn’t much,’ she said, patting hers down to spread it so it didn’t look so small, and he looked from plate to plate and smiled slightly.
‘It looks a lot better than whatever I would have had at home. Thank you,’ he said quietly, and he ate his small portion without a word of complaint.
‘I’m still hungry. What’s for pudding?’ Katie asked, and Julia produced the now warmed apple pie, put a dollop of ice cream on each slice and watched them wolf it down.
‘More?’ she asked, and two sets of hungry eyes met hers.
‘If you can spare it.’
‘Of course I can spare it,’ she said. ‘Anything to get out of the grouting.’ David laughed.
‘What’s grouting?’ Katie asked.
‘The white stuff in between all the tiles. You have to squash it in with a rubber thing called a squeegee, and your mother hates doing it,’ David explained.
‘It’s boring—and, anyway, they aren’t my tiles.’
‘Whose tiles are they, then?’ Katie asked, looking puzzled, so Julia explained about finishing off the tiling in the bathroom at the cottage.
‘I’ll do it!’ Katie offered enthusiastically. ‘I like squidgy things.’
‘I think it’s a bit too difficult for you, my darling,’ Julia told her, ‘and, anyway, you’re too busy with your play and everything.’
‘I’m a lamb,’ she told David, looking disgusted. ‘It’s a stupid part. I wanted to be Mary, but they said I was too little, and one of the big girls got it, but I wanted it.’
‘Maybe next year,’ David said reasonably. ‘You’ll be bigger then—and, anyway, being a lamb is very important. Each part is important. Without the lambs the shepherds wouldn’t have a job, and without the shepherds who would have followed the star and visited the baby Jesus?’
Katie thought about that for a moment, then perked up. ‘I’m the smallest lamb,’ she told him. ‘Just so you know.’
‘I’ll look out for you.’
‘Right, young lady, bathtime and then bed,’ Julia said, and Katie pulled a face, but she wasn’t letting her
get away with it just because David was there. Maybe he’d take the hint and go, Julia thought, but he just stretched out at the table and relaxed.
‘I won’t be long,’ she told him, and by the time she came down he’d washed up and dried all the dishes and left them stacked on the side. The kettle had boiled, mugs were on standby beside it and he was reading a magazine at the table in the breakfast room.
‘Good grief,’ she said faintly. ‘Ever thought of taking a job as an au pair?’
He chuckled and came up behind her, sliding his arms round her and nuzzling her neck. It was something she could get rather used to, she thought, shifting her head slightly to give him access.
‘Tea or coffee?’ she asked dreamily, but he turned her into his arms and kissed her, and she forgot that she was supposed to be keeping their relationship cool and kissed him right back.
After a moment he lifted his head and looked down at her with eyes that blazed with heat. ‘Wow. Where did that come from?’ he murmured, and moved away from her fractionally. ‘Just remind me that your daughter’s in the house and we can’t do this,’ he added, and retreated to the next room and the safety of the magazine.
‘Um—tea or coffee?’ she asked again, and he gave a strangled laugh.
‘I don’t care. Just put a hefty sedative in it.’
She bit her lip to stop the smile, and took the tea through to the breakfast room, putting it down on the table in front of him with a hand that shook slightly. ‘Tea,’ she said. ‘Unfortunately I’m right out of sedatives. I’ll pick some up next time I go shopping.’
He chuckled, but his eyes were still heated and there was a tautness to his jaw that hadn’t been there before. He didn’t say anything, though, just picked up the tea and sipped it thoughtfully in silence.
It wasn’t a companionable silence. It was charged with emotion, with need recognised but not fulfilled, and Julia wanted nothing more than to put her tea down and go into his arms and finish what they’d started.
Instead she changed the subject. ‘How’s Mr Burrows?’ she asked, and he arched a disbelieving brow.
‘You want to talk about Mr Burrows? OK. Well, he’s not wonderful. The tumour was more widespread than the scan suggested, and it had tracked to the lymph glands, so the prognosis is pretty dismal, I’m afraid. I’ve done all I can do for now, and I’m discharging him to the oncologist once he’s healed from the surgery. All they can do is keep him comfortable, I’m afraid, and slow the progression maybe.’
‘What a shame.’
‘It is. He’s a nice man. Very stoic. That’s the trouble. He should have pressed the panic button a bit sooner.’
‘How long do you think he’s got?’ Julia asked, knowing full well that any answer would be wildly inaccurate but just seeking to extend the conversation a little longer—anything rather than go back to that charged silence!
David gave her a level look that spoke volumes. ‘You know better than to ask me that,’ he said with a wry smile. ‘Three months? A year? Who can tell?’
‘Does he know?’
He shook his head. ‘No. He was too ill yesterday after his surgery to discuss it. I want to get him a day or so down the line before I broach it.’
He put his mug down, looking at her with those clear rainwashed eyes, and she felt as if he could see deep into the innermost recesses of her soul. She looked away, but he was undeterred.
‘Julia.’
She drank her tea, ignoring him, but he reached across the table and took the mug out of her hands, and tilted her chin up so she was facing him.
‘Look at me,’ he said softly, and she met those wonderful eyes and felt sick with anticipation. ‘We have to talk about this,’ he went on, his voice gentle but implacable. ‘There’s something simmering just under the surface, and we both know it, but you keep trying to deny its existence, and I want to know why.’
Because of Andrew.
She moved away, standing up and going back into the kitchen, fiddling with the kettle. He followed her, but he didn’t touch her or crowd her, just stood nearby, watching her silently.
‘My husband left us,’ she began, her voice flat as she remembered that awful day. ‘Katie was eighteen months old. I’d moved down here with him the year before, leaving my family and friends, because he wanted to be near his parents.
‘I made a few friends, but not many. He was a bit possessive, and he used to flirt with my friends—it was embarrassing. We had the odd dinner party that ended in disaster because he couldn’t manage to restrain his hands and the husbands got upset. He blamed it on me—said I’d gone off sex since Katie and what was a man to do? Anyway, one day we had a blazing row because I’d been out for coffee with a friend and he’d come home from work expecting to find me there, and I wasn’t.’
She paused, remembering his temper and frustration, and shook her head. ‘He waited for me, and went berserk when we got back. He told me I was a waste of space and he didn’t want any more to do with me, and he wanted a divorce. He packed a bag and left, and came back at the weekend and took all the rest of his things. He was living with his parents, and they took his side, of course, while I had no one.’
‘Why didn’t you go home to your parents and friends?’ he asked, and she laughed a hollow little laugh.
‘Because I was married. I’d made vows that I believed in, and I kept hoping he’d come back. I thought it was my fault, and it was years before I realised that it was him and not me that had had the problem.’
David shook his head slowly, his eyes full of understanding. ‘So what happened then?’
‘He died. That winter, just before Christmas, he had an accident one night, going home drunk from an office party, and managed to kill himself. Fortunately he had nobody in the car with him, and he hit a tree. Then I found out he’d cancelled the endowment policies and the mortgage wasn’t cleared, so I had to sell the house and look for somewhere with the small amount of equity that was left. Then, just after I bought this house with the money I managed to scrape up, the credit card company caught up with me and gave me a bill for ten thousand pounds that he’d run up on a joint card.’
David muttered something derogatory under his breath, and she gave a tiny laugh. ‘Oh, yes. He really was a piece of work. So now I don’t trust anyone but myself, and I’ve always sworn I’ll never give anyone else the power to hurt us or threaten our home in any way. So…I’m sorry, but that’s why.’
‘So even in death, he’s still got the power to ruin your life.’
Julia tilted her chin. ‘My life isn’t ruined. I have my daughter, and I love her more than you can imagine. I have a good job, and a lovely home. I have everything I need.’
‘Not quite,’ he said softly. ‘You’re still denying yourself the right to an adult relationship.’
‘I have to,’ she said, desperation echoing in her voice. ‘I have to, David. I can’t allow myself to get close to anyone because it makes me vulnerable, and I can’t let that happen. Not again.’
For a long time he stood there looking at her, then he drew her into his arms and hugged her gently. ‘I won’t hurt you. Either of you. I promise that. We can take this as slowly as you want, be as discreet as you like. You can back off at any time. But, please, give us a chance. We could have something so special here, Julia. Something lasting. Don’t close the door on it without knowing what it is you’re walking away from.’
He kissed her, just a feathering of his lips across her forehead, and then he turned and strode down the hall, picking up his coat on the way, and she heard the soft click of the front door behind him.
It was the loneliest sound in the world.
CHAPTER SIX
JULIA went onto the ward in the morning in a dither of nervous anticipation. She wanted to see David but, although she’d spent the whole night thinking about it, she still wasn’t sure she dared to test their relationship.
There just seemed to be too much at stake, although the urge to trust him was sometime
s overwhelming. If she could only hand over her responsibilities, just for a while, or share them, even—just to take the pressure off. It was so, so tempting—but then she’d remember Andrew, and how she’d trusted him, and how he’d changed after Katie’s birth, and then she’d realise the stakes were too high.
It was just hormones leading her astray again, she thought, like they had with Andrew. He’d been charming to her at first, flirtatious and teasing, then putting the pressure on more and more, but so skilfully that she’d tumbled into bed with him without a second thought.
He’d taught her more about her body than she could have imagined, but his heart had never seemed to be involved, and after a while she’d found it mechanical and unsatisfying. Then she’d had Katie, and his demands had seemed to increase and become even less sensitive to her needs.
And now David was pushing the same buttons, and awakening feelings she’d all but forgotten, and she was afraid to get back on the merry-go-round in case the same thing happened.
It didn’t stop her heart from reacting every time she heard his voice, though, or her skin from shivering every time he was near. Common sense seemed to have deserted her where he was concerned, and she had to struggle to keep her mind on the job that morning.
What would he say when he saw her? Would he bring the subject up again, or leave it for her to make the next move?
And if so, what move would she make?
She went to see Mr Burrows, who’d been fretting in the night according to the report, and he was anxious to see David.
‘I’d like to talk to him,’ he said. ‘Will he be round today?’
‘I’m sure he will,’ she told him. ‘I know he intended to talk to you as soon as you were feeling a little brighter. I’ll contact him if he doesn’t come down in the next hour, all right?’
Mr Burrows nodded. ‘I just want the uncertainty to end,’ he said frankly. ‘I just need to know, one way or the other.’
‘I’ll make sure he comes,’ Julia assured him. She made him comfortable, tried not to think about David and went back to the work station to see who was on the list for Nick Sarazin that day.
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