I’ve failed them both.
Angie
THERE’S PRESSURE ON MY HANDS and a steady beeping behind me. The first thing that comes to my mind is pain. I’m in so much pain. My entire body feels sore and achy. But that’s nothing compared to my head. It’s throbbing, and I can feel the blood pounding against my skull.
Then I remember.
The deer.
The tumbling.
The unbelievable pain as my head slammed against the glass, the dash, the airbag.
Wyatt calling my name as the fog crept over me.
The fear.
Then the blackness.
“Wyatt,” I croak while trying to move my hand. Agony sears through my veins from the smallest movement. “Wyatt?” I try again, not sure if any sound is coming out.
I hear someone move. “Angie?” A sigh. “Baby—” Wyatt’s voice cracks, and I try to open my eyes to find him.
Our baby. I feel hollow and confused. I don’t know what’s going on. Fear fills the emptiness, and I need to know what happened. Am I okay? Is the baby okay? Is Wyatt okay?
My eyelids won’t move, so I use every ounce of strength I have to push them open. The light blinds me, but I hold them steady. “The baby?”
He moves to the side and presses a button. “Relax, okay? Are you in pain?”
I glance at my stomach, which is flat. “Where is she?”
My eyes close as the panic and pain become too much. I try to curl into myself, ball up and block out whatever truth he’s going to give me. Before I can muscle through the pain in my body, his hand is on my shoulder. “Please, don’t hurt yourself.”
I force myself to look at him again. “Is she okay?”
His brown eyes fill with tears, and his lips tremble for a second before they mash together. “I . . .” A tear falls. “They tried.”
Oh, God. My breathing accelerates as the monitor beeps louder, faster. I can’t breathe. He has to be lying. She can’t be gone.
“No!” My heart ceases to exist, that beeping is a lie. “No!” I cry again as Wyatt takes my hand. The pounding in my head intensifies. “She can’t . . .” I hiccup.
“They tried so hard, Ang. They did everything they could,” he explains.
“She was so strong.” Tears fall. They come down like rain as the realization that I lost my baby settles deep inside me. I’m alive, he’s alive, and she’s not.
“Baby.” He takes my face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Angie. I’m so sorry. I begged them to save her. I begged God to take me and let you keep her. I would’ve done anything.”
My chest heaves as sobs rake through me. I don’t care about the pain. I want to revel in it because it’s real. My little girl is gone from my body. I was supposed to keep her safe. I kept her alive. Now she’s gone. “No! Please,” I beg.
Wyatt wraps his arm around me, holding me as I fall apart. “Shhh.” He tries to calm me.
“Angie.” I hear Presley’s voice. Wyatt loosens his hold as my best friend walks over to my other side. “I don’t know what to say other than I love you so much.”
“She never had a chance.” My voice is full of anguish. “It’s too much, Pres.”
“I know.” She wipes the tear from my cheek. “It’s not fair.”
I look over at Wyatt, the strong man who looks like he’s falling apart. His hair is disheveled; his usual scruff is almost a full beard. There are cuts on his face that look like they’re healing. “How long?” I choke on the words.
Wyatt’s lip quivers and a tear falls down his face. He glances over at Presley.
She squeezes my hand. “It’s been four days.” She sniffs. “Four days, and you underwent surgery. You ruptured your spleen, which is why they had to remove the baby. You fought so hard for her, honey.” Presley’s tears fall rapidly. “She just couldn’t hold on.”
My tears don’t stop falling. I lost my brother two years ago, and I thought there was nothing that could rival that pain, until now. That was a gentle kiss across the skin compared to this knife slicing through my chest. There’s nothing to fully express how completely empty I feel.
I look out the window, wanting to slip back into the darkness. When I was there, I still had her. I had everything.
Now, I have nothing.
“Angie?” Wyatt says, but I can’t look at him.
The nurse walks in. “Hi, honey.” She’s careful not to sound too happy. Her eyes take in the scene of people around me crying. “I’m going to check you over and then give you something for the pain, okay?”
“Whatever,” I reply.
I don’t have any strength for any emotions right now. I’m broken. Once again, someone I love has been stolen from me. I’ve been robbed of the family I thought I would have.
She looks at my vitals, types something into a small computer, and then injects something into my IV. “That should help with the headache.” Her hand gently squeezes my arm. “Your family has been at your bedside the entire time. You should get your rest, honey. The doctor will be in soon since you’re awake now.”
Presley’s red-rimmed eyes lock on mine. “I know you’re hurting. You both are.” She looks at Wyatt. “I just . . .” She stumbles for words. “Know that if you need me, for anything, I’m here.”
I close my eyes. “She’s gone.”
“She is. She’s gone and it’s not fair. It’s awful and cruel, but you’re here, Wyatt’s here, and you both need to lean on each other. You need to grieve and know that you have people around you who will do whatever you need.”
A pained sound escapes my mouth. “Give me back my daughter. Bring her back! That’s what I need. I need you to give me back my child!”
Wyatt releases my other hand and walks toward the door. His back is to me, but I can see his shoulders shake. I watch him fall apart. His hand braces on the window sill, and he wipes his face with the other. He doesn’t let me see him, but I know he’s trying to keep it together.
Presley chokes on her sob. “I can’t do that. I wish I could.”
“That’s what I thought,” I look away. “I want to go to sleep.”
She kisses my forehead. “Okay, babe. Rest if you can. We’ll talk more later. I love you.”
I draw in a shaky breath. “I know.”
Presley turns, goes to Wyatt, and grips his arm. She says something too low for me to hear, and he nods. Her eyes glance back at me one last time before she slips out the door.
Wyatt heads toward me with a pained look in his eyes.
After a few minutes of silence, I whisper, “Why? Why did this happen to us?”
“I’m sorry.”
I close my eyes as everything starts to sink in. “Did you see her?”
“We don’t have to talk about this now.” His voice is so hesitant, so sad, but I don’t care.
“I need to know! I-I need!” I start to get hysterical. I was out for days while they’ve all processed this. I just found out I lost my baby. I need to know what happened. Was she hurt? Could I have done something? As I start to move to sit up, a stabbing sensation hits my side. I suck in a breath and close my eyes.
“Okay.” He pushes my hair back. “Okay, please just try to stay calm.”
I nod and slowly relax myself. “I need to know, Wyatt.”
“I held her.” He tells me. “I held her in my palm and cried over her.” I close my eyes and choke back the tears, but they slip past my eyelashes and fall down my cheek anyway. “She’s beautiful and tiny. I told her about how much I love her. I told her how much you do, too.”
“I can’t.” I stop him. “I can’t. I thought I could.”
His body slumps a little, and he leans against the side of the bed. “Okay.” Resignation settles between us. “We don’t have to do this now. When you’ve rested, we’ll go from there.”
There’s nowhere to go—not unless he’s able to bring back what is gone, which he can’t. No one can. We’re going to have to find a way to be childless parents and get through our
days. I’ll have to look at my stomach every day for the rest of my life and know she’s gone.
“Honey.” Mrs. Hennington has been talking at me for what feels like an hour. I say “talking at” because I haven’t really been responding. I can’t. How can I talk when I’m dead inside? “We have to make arrangements.”
I don’t want to do any of this. “Please,” I beseech her. “Just pick whatever.” I want her to go away.
Presley shares a look with her, and Wyatt stares out the window. This morning, the chaplain came to talk to us about the loss of a child and how important it was to grieve. As if I didn’t know enough about that. He urged us to name her, spend some time with her, and allow ourselves to let go.
Then the doctor explained that there were no policies regarding infants, and we just needed to let our wants be known.
After they left, Wyatt spoke as I sat here crying and listened, wishing I could soothe his pain. He was in agony, but I was so deep in my own, I didn’t know what to say. I held his hand as he spoke of our baby and all she means to him. He told me how scared he was that I wouldn’t come out of it. That he would lose me too. His pain was palpable as he expressed his guilt and remorse.
It wasn’t his fault, but I couldn’t get the words out. Not because I don’t believe them, but because I’m struggling to breathe.
I want them to leave me the fuck alone. That’s what I want.
Everyone.
“Pick whatever you think is best. I really don’t care.” I try for a calm tone, but judging by the way their eyes widen, I failed.
“Did you decide if you want to see her?” Presley brings it up again. “We don’t want to do anything until you’ve made up your mind, Ang. We can’t undo it after that.”
I don’t know if my heart can handle it.
But I have to decide if I want to see the baby I couldn’t protect.
“No.” I turn my head away and touch my stomach. “Not yet.”
Wyatt’s hand touches my shoulder. “We appreciate your help,” he says to them. “Why don’t we let Angie rest, and I’ll let you know if she changes her mind about a funeral.”
They bid their goodbyes and let me have my space.
A few minutes pass without either of us saying a word. I’m struggling with a myriad of things. I’m in physical pain for one, but my heart is broken . . . completely and utterly shredded.
When I sleep, I dream of her.
When I’m awake, I cry for her.
Everyone offers sympathy and support, but there’s nothing anyone can do to fill the hole in my heart.
“I’m not trying to push,” Wyatt says, breaking the silence.
“I know.”
“If you want me to be with you when you see her, I will. I’ll do anything you need, Angie. Anything.”
He’s trying. Hell, we both are. There’s no hiding how difficult this is for him. His tear-streaked face, puffy eyes, and constant worry is evident. I know he’s swimming in the same sea of grief as me. Both of us barely treading water. Both ready to be taken under.
I’ve gone back and forth on what I should do, but I think I know. “I want to see her.”
He nods. “Do you want me here with you?”
This will hurt him again. I know it’ll kill him. But I need him by my side.
“I don’t want to ask you to do it,” I say with a shaky voice. “I know it’s selfish, but I don’t think I can do it alone.”
Wyatt rushes forward, wrapping me in his arms. I don’t care that I’m physically in pain from his touch. I want him to never let me go. Right now, I can breathe just a little bit. “You don’t have to do this alone.”
I allow myself this comfort. I cling to him, to us, and to the ache that binds us together.
After we both collect ourselves, Wyatt calls for the nurse. She explains the process to me and lets me know what I can expect. There’s no way to truly prepare, I don’t think. How does a person ever ready themselves to say goodbye to their child?
No, I never held her and never heard her cry. I didn’t get to tie her shoes on her first day of school, but I loved her.
I named her in my heart.
I carried her in my belly.
And I gave her everything I could.
Now I have to say goodbye to her.
“WE’LL SEE YOU BACK AT the house?” Mrs. Hennington asks.
“I really just want to go to bed.” I sit on the grass, picking the blades around me and wishing I could float away in the wind.
It would be so easy to drift, letting the breeze take me where it wants to go. Instead, I’m sinking deeper into the ground.
Wyatt, his parents, Presley, Zach, and Trent all stand around, looking unsure of what to do. Today we buried our daughter. This was the last thing we needed to do. The hospital explained that in doing this, we’d start to heal.
They’re full of shit.
It’s been eleven days since the accident, and it’s not getting any easier to accept what’s going on.
I’ve sat and cried, waded through unbelievable anger, and I’m slipping into numbness. Wyatt tries. Lord knows he wants to fix this, but there’s nothing he can do.
We buried Faith Emma Hennington under a big oak tree on the Hennington farm. She overlooks a beautiful hill with a small pond. It’s peaceful here, and I find some tiny amount of solace that she’s surrounded by beauty.
“Okay, sugar. I’ll stop by tomorrow with some food.” She crouches next to me. “I love her, too.” My eyes snap up. “There is nothing in this world like a mother’s love. Not a single man can ever understand the depths of that. I know you’re in pain. I’ve never lost a child, but just imagining it—”
Macie Hennington is the most caring woman I’ve ever known. Everyone here today is feeling some level of sadness. They fought to get me out of that car, they cried when they found out we’d lost Faith, and they’ve been at the hospital day in and day out.
This little family is struggling right now.
“I never imagined it would hurt this much,” I admit.
She cups my chin. “The minute you accepted that you were going to carry that baby was the minute she owned your heart. You grieve, Angie. You feel what you need to feel, but let us be here.” Macie kisses my cheek and wipes her own tear.
Presley curls up next to me as the three brothers stand in a circle off to the side. After a while, I lie on her lap, and her fingers brush my hair back. We don’t have to say a word. That’s the beauty of true friendship. She continues to run her fingers through my hair, allowing me the quiet. Tears fall, simply because I don’t know how to stop them.
They explained my hormones would go through the same rapid changes they would if I had delivered at full-term. Apparently, a body doesn’t know the difference between bringing home a baby and having to bury one. I sway from one extreme to another, but mostly I stay in the bleakness.
“We’ve lost a lot the past few years,” she speaks softly.
“I’d like it to stop.”
“You don’t know your own strength until you’re forced to face it.”
I tilt my head to look at her. “I’m doing the best I can.”
Presley shakes her head quickly. “You’re doing great, babe. Listen, I don’t want you to freak out, so I’m telling you now.”
I roll on my back and wait for it. Presley’s lips turn down, and she sighs. “Zach and I decided to put the wedding off another two months.”
“No!” I wince. “Please not because of this.”
“It’s not. I promise,” she reassures. “We have a lot going on with the horse farm and with being sued by Felicia for wrongful termination. It’s better if Zach and I don’t actually marry before that’s cleared. So, after speaking to the lawyers, we decided to push it back two months.”
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“Yes. We already live together, and he’s my husband in every way other than on paper.”
I close my eyes and smother the tears. It feels as if ev
erything is falling apart. I really hope the accident isn’t the reason. I knew Felicia was going after Zach, but I figured she’d drop it after his team of lawyers threatened to countersue.
My mind drifts back to the hell we all endured when my brother killed himself. It was like that one single event tripped a wire, and we all got hit with shrapnel.
“Do you think we’re going to struggle like we did with Todd?”
“I hope not.” Presley returns to playing with my hair. “Do you remember when I was sitting around the house after he died?”
She was a ghost. Presley would answer if she was asked a question, but she’d completely lost herself. It was as if she’d died along side of him. “Yes.”
“Don’t let the pain over run you. I can only say this to you because you’re my sister, my best friend, and I love you. I’ve been right where you are. I’ve felt the pain so deep I wanted to let it consume me. I did let it.” Her eyes hold mine. “You made it stop. You forced me to dig deep and breathe again. Don’t get lost, Ang. Don’t let it eat y’all alive. You lived, don’t let her death be in vain.”
Presley stands, brushes the grass off her legs, and then helps me up as well. I know what she’s telling me is coming from a place of love, but I’ve never felt like this. “How? How do I move on from this?”
Losing Todd was completely different. He was an adult, and it was his choice. This wasn’t. This was a terrible accident that altered the future I thought I would have.
“By living. By loving someone. By forgiving yourself, Wyatt, and anyone else you blame. For understanding that the time you did have was precious. Look at what you’ve learned. Look at what you’ve found.” Her eyes move toward the guys.
She doesn’t get it. Wyatt may have been falling in love with me, but he truly loved the baby. She’s gone now. I have no idea what any of this means for us, and honestly, I don’t have the wherewithal to care. I was supposed to be leaving here in a week anyway. Clearly, I can’t drive with a broken wrist and staples in my stomach, so I’ve had to postpone it.
“Now that there’s no baby between us, I don’t know if there even is an us,” I say, feeling a new wave of sadness. “Is this what you felt like when Todd died? Just empty and as if you’d lost everything?”
Say You Want Me Page 18
