Chris grabs me by the throat and backs me against the wall. I’m a dead man. I try to pry his fingers from my throat. Bea appears in the doorway.
“Chris, what are you doing? Let him go!” she insists as she grabs her stomach.
Bea vomits in front of us. It splashes on Chris’ alligator shoes. Chris releases me. I gasp for air.
“Dude, I’m sorry. I thought that was Bea. Honey, are you OK? Jesus,” I recoil.
Kazuko arrives to console Bea in the doorway. Bea looks up—her eyes glossed over.
“I’m pregnant.”
Chapter Twenty
Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. – Ray Bradbury
That revelation presents a major problem for me as Chris, Annie, Kazuko, and I all say in unison, “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” Bea repeats.
“That’s nice Bea, but I’m sterile. I had a vasectomy last March,” I respond, trying to suppress my anger and confusion.
“I know.”
“You know?”
“Yes. The four fluids; remember?”
I turn my attention to Chris, as does Annie.
“Don’t look at me,” Chris professes while raising his hands.
“It’s not yours either, asshole,” Bea assures him.
Whoa, she swore!
“Thank God,” Chris responds, while wiping his brow.
“Wait a minute, then whose is it?” I ask.
Jesus. There’s yet another ex I need to deal with?
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I used a sperm donor. Mormon, this was before we met. I didn’t want to bring it up and scare you away.”
“Yeah, well, guess what? I’m not scared. Oh,” I turn toward Chris, “and she’s right, you are an asshole.”
Chris raises his big mitt to my throat again. Instantly, Kazuko springs to action, stands between us, and pushes Chris back. She’s so tiny; she barely comes up to his chest.
“Touch him again and prepare to die,” Kazuko threatens. Chris has no idea what to make of her as he lets go of my throat.
“Fuck you, old woman. I’ll beat your ass too.”
“Try it,” Kazuko dares as she digs into her pocket.
What will it be? Nunchucks? A Throwing Star?
Kazuko pulls out a Marlboro and a lighter as we all watch, trying to understand what this crazy woman is up to. She lights the tip and takes a long drag—making the tip glow bright orange. She blows the smoke in his face and changes her grip on the cigarette, holding it like a knife. Chris goes pale gray, then white. He screams a guttural cry, turns, and runs out like frightened cat. Annie shrugs and follows him.
“What the ...”
“You don’t want to know,” Bea insists.
Pussy.
I step over Bea’s mess and console her.
“Baby, are you OK?”
“Just queasy. You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad? I love you, Bea—every inch, every toy, every passenger. If you are considering me for the role of parent to your child, I’m honored.”
“Of course! It would be our child. I love so you much, Daddy Mormon,” she cries as she hugs and tries to kiss me.
“Um, yeah, I love you back. Now,” I respond as I pull away a bit, “let’s get you some Listerine, and then we’ll have that kiss. Cool?”
“Cool.”
Love draws us along a twisted path, with unexpected obstacles, leading to beautiful new pastures. There’s no one I’d rather share this trip with than my Lovergirl.
THE MIDDLE.
About the Author
Please join the fun by following my rants at PhilTorcivia.blogspot.com, Facebook.com/SuchaNiceGuy, and Twitter.com/PhilTorcivia.
My other books, available in paperback and eBook formats:
Such a Nice Guy (October 2009)
Still a Nice Guy (April 2010)
Nice Meeting You (October 2010)
Just a Nice Guy (April 2011)
What a Nice Guy (September 2011)
Nice Knowing You (February 2012)
The 10/60 Diet: How to lose 10% of your body weight in 60 days. (May 2011)
Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks (May 2012)
Accolades for Fifty Shades Shadier
“It is a spot-on parody. It’s laugh-out-loud funny.” – Sherrie
“Hysterical characters, eye-rolling mishaps, and laugh-out-loud settings.” – Kimberly
“It’s funny, sexy, well written and got me ready for my husband on numerous levels!” – Cassie
“Funny, Funny, Funny!!! I loved it. Cannot wait for more.” – Leigh Ann
“Amazon should allow six stars ratings because this parody really deserves an extra star.” – Mina
“I have been really enjoying the chapters ... it is great! I LOVE IT!” – Kim
“It’s light-hearted, funny, and erotic.” – Foraminut
“I laughed out loud reading this.” – Bunce
“It is so much better than the book it makes fun of in its writing.” – Henning
Fifty Shades Shadier (Fifty Shades of Silver) Page 5
