The Day I lost You

by Fionnuala Kearney

  50. Theo

  ‘Theo!’

  It was the end of the day; the doors had been locked and only a few of the staff remained in the surgery. He turned at the sound of his name to see Elaine at the main reception, and walked back towards her.

  ‘I have something for you. Charlie gave it to me earlier when I was in the hospital.’ Elaine tugged on the innards of her handbag and pulled out a square white envelope. ‘He said you’d understand?’

  Theo folded his arms. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know!’ She rolled her eyes at Samantha, the receptionist, who was packing up for the day. ‘It looks suspiciously like a card. Not your birthday, is it? Shit! Is it, Sam?’

  Samantha shrugged and looked at Theo.

  ‘It’s not my birthday,’ he muttered as he opened the envelope. Inside was a card that had once been plain white – the sort that craft shops sold to DIY card-makers. The white front had had a face drawn on it with yellow pencils. A combination of light, sideward sweeps and large coloured dots made for the most unusual smiley face Theo had ever seen. He laughed out loud at the two black eyes and upturned black line mouth. Inside Charles had written:

  I only paint happy! Thanks for all you do, Doc. C.E.

  ‘You coming to the Duck for a quick one?’ Elaine asked.

  Theo looked at his watch. It was already almost seven. ‘Just one. I’ll follow you; see you over there. Get me half a lager in?’

  He texted Finn to let him know he’d be back at seven thirty and grabbed his coat and briefcase before heading across the road on foot to the pub. His plan was to eat with Finn and maybe both of them pop in and see Jess for half an hour.

  The pub was heaving. As soon as he entered he remembered why: karaoke night. Jules saw him enter and waved with both arms as she headed in his direction.

  ‘What you doing here?’ she asked. ‘Thought you hated – what was it you called it – “Eighties singsong crap?”’

  ‘I do. Just having a half with work.’ He jerked his head towards a bunch of people at the bar.

  ‘Ed’s babysitting tonight. We both went to see Jess earlier and they said she’d left?’

  He blinked quickly. ‘She has?’

  ‘Apparently,’ Jules shrugged. ‘Got to go, Theo, I’m on in a minute.’ She kissed his cheek and headed into the melee that was the karaoke crowd. There, in the middle of them, he caught Jacqueline looking in his direction. He raised his head, smiled, went straight up to Elaine and whispered in her ear.

  He was heading to the exit when he felt a hand on his arm.

  ‘Theo. You hate karaoke,’ she said, kissing him on both cheeks.

  ‘Jacqueline …’

  ‘I hope you’re not leaving on my behalf?’

  ‘No, no, I—’

  ‘You did tell me during our short time together that you hate karaoke. You also told me that you hate confrontation.’

  Theo reddened.

  ‘I never got to tell you that I hate things being unresolved.’

  ‘Oh?’ Inside, his stomach churned. He had, he thought, resolved things with her when he’d called her.

  ‘I thought it was just too early for you, too soon after you splitting from your wife, well, that’s what you told me, but …’ Jacqueline curled her hair around her right ear, sought direct eye contact with him. ‘It’s not that though, is it? If it was that, you wouldn’t avoid me and this is the second time you’ve actively avoided me.’

  His blush deepened with the memory of spotting her in the supermarket and darting between the aisles the previous week. He’d been sure that she hadn’t seen him.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘You should be. You told me you weren’t ready and I get that. So why the running away?’

  Theo couldn’t lie. ‘I suppose I feel guilty when I see you.’

  ‘Why? Because we slept together once? You were separated?’

  Theo looked to his left to where Jules was priming herself to burst into song. Harriet’s words echoed in his head. Look, a woman doesn’t like being broken up with after, you know, after one liaison. It might make her feel used.

  He could have, he debated, told Jacqueline the truth – he had feelings for someone else and the night he had spent with her had only served to prove that. He prided himself on any words he spoke always being truthful. He also recognized that sometimes dishonesty lay in the unspoken words, like the fact that he had never told Jess he knew about Gus. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her. He hadn’t wanted to be responsible for delivering a bombshell that could destroy her family.

  ‘Is there, was there someone else?’ Jacqueline ran her fingertips over the top of her lips.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Jacqueline. It was all just too soon.’ He nodded sagely and she mirrored the action like she understood. He omitted the words that would have hurt.

  ‘Just don’t cross the road when you see me?’ she said.

  He kissed her cheek, squeezed her hand. ‘Thank you. I won’t.’ He turned to leave and she caught his sleeve.

  ‘And Theo?’

  ‘Yup?’

  ‘I know you’re new at this but don’t break up with someone on the phone. Better to eyeball them, let them know where they stand.’

  He nodded. ‘Got it. Sorry.’

  Within one hundred seconds, he was back in his car, practising his deep breathing, calming his rapid heartbeat. He texted Finn with instructions, saying to be ready in ten minutes; that they were going out.

  When she opened the door, he held her spare key aloft. ‘I was giving you enough time to answer, then I would have used this,’ he said as he handed it to her. Her eyes rested on the casserole dish in his hands.

  ‘Bea’s chicken casserole. I’ve been telling you it’s good. There’s enough for four here because I’m quite sure you won’t have eaten.’

  She frowned. ‘I’m not hungry, but come in.’

  Theo kissed her cheek as he passed and Jess reached out to Finn, pulled him into an awkward embrace. ‘Hi, Finn,’ she said. ‘Chicken casserole. Yum.’ She made a circular movement with her hand on her tummy, then mimed sticking her fingers down her throat. His son smiled, any nervousness at being there disappearing fast.

  ‘You’ll love it,’ Theo reassured her. ‘Now sit. Rose,’ he said, as soon as she came into his eye-line, ‘why don’t you help Finn get the plates and cutlery out?’

  ‘Can Finn and I sit on “tatty”, Nanny?’

  Jess nodded as Theo dished up one small round bowl for Rose and a large plate for Finn. They made their way to the other end of the room and ate supper from their laps, chatting in an animated way that Theo knew wasn’t the norm for a six and eleven-year-old. Finn liked Rose; he felt for her; maybe he even felt some sort of ‘absent mother’ kinship.

  ‘If you’re going to serve that, I’d like it hot?’

  Theo stopped staring at the children. ‘Right. Sorry. Here you go.’ He filled a small bowl and handed it to her.

  ‘Thank you for this. I fed Rose toast an hour ago.’ Jess looked at her granddaughter who was eating every morsel on her plate. ‘I really need to start cooking properly again. I’m not sure I even remember how …’

  ‘Well, until you remember, I’ll get Bea to make double and you can freeze it.’

  Jess smiled, reached across and patted his hand. ‘You’re a good man, Theo Pope.’

  He narrowed his eyes. ‘Uh-oh.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I think the last person who told me I was a good man was Harriet, as she left with a suitcase to live somewhere else with someone else.’

  She shrugged. ‘Well, she was right, wasn’t she? You are …’

  They sat in silence as they ate. As he loaded the plates in her dishwasher, she came and stood beside him. ‘I went around to Gus’s earlier.’

  ‘You left the hospital and went straight there? Jesus, Jess, I thought you heard the bit about taking it easy.’

  She gripped his wrist, squeezed it so he felt her fingernails. />
  ‘Ouch,’ he whispered.

  ‘We had a row. Things were said.’

  Theo shook his head.

  ‘Jen was there. Neither of us knew it, but Jen was there and she heard the whole thing.’

  ‘No …’

  ‘Yes. So now I don’t even have to worry about ever breaking my sister’s heart. I know her witch of a stepdaughter is going to do it for me.’

  ‘Maybe not.’

  She arched her eyebrows and he looked back towards the children. Rose was giggling as Finn attempted her Rubik’s Cube.

  Jess wiped her brow with a napkin. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said.

  ‘You wait,’ Theo said. ‘Shit has a way of spreading when the fan blows.’

  ‘Nanny!’ Rose came running. ‘Look!’ Rose held the solved Rubik’s Cube in her hand. Jess examined it and grinned at Finn. ‘Well done you,’ she said. ‘That’s down to the wonderful classroom assistant you have. Brilliant, she is.’

  ‘She is,’ he nodded. ‘Though she wouldn’t know one end of a Rubik’s Cube from the next.’

  ‘Oh yes, she would.’ Jess mixed it up and smiled mischievously. ‘Time me, go on.’

  Finn set the stopwatch on his phone. Exactly six minutes and forty-three seconds later, Jess handed it back completed to him.

  Theo was impressed. Rose hugged her hip. ‘I didn’t know you could do that, Nanny.’

  She ruffled her hair. ‘There’s lots of things you don’t know about me.’

  ‘But Finn was faster.’ Rose laughed as she ran back to the tatty sofa. Finn, not knowing what else to do, followed her, his hands pushed deep into his jeans pockets.

  ‘He’s looking more and more like you,’ Jess whispered as she stared after him.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And Rose, she looks just like Anna.’

  Theo perched himself on the edge of a stool. ‘Why didn’t you call me when you left the hospital?’

  ‘I just wanted out, was afraid they’d change their mind.’

  He watched as she circled her left wrist with her right thumb and middle finger, rubbed it around and around as if she had an itch. Then she raised both her hands to her face and, through her fingers, sighed. ‘It was a tough afternoon.’

  Theo listened to the rhythm of her breathing. ‘You should be sitting down,’ he said. ‘Come on.’ He steered her towards the front room, seated her on the sofa. Moving her open laptop to the coffee table, he sat next to her. His eyes rested on the screen as it came alive. Jess’s eyes closed as she laid her head back.

  ‘You’re leaving.’ He stared at a page of property rentals near Windermere. ‘You’ve decided to leave, haven’t you?’

  She opened her eyes, saw what he had seen. ‘I haven’t decided anything yet, Theo.’

  He could tell she was deliberately keeping her voice low. ‘I knew. Something about the “good man” comment.’

  ‘Theo—’

  ‘Don’t.’ He stopped her touch, stood and excused himself.

  In the tiny cloakroom, tucked under Jess’s stairs, he had to bend his head to stand at the sink. Thankfully, there was no mirror. He stared at the blank wall, leaned on the sink. Ever since … Ever since he wasn’t sure when, he had felt this might happen. She had unravelled the truth. The truth had unravelled to her. It no longer mattered which. He had chosen never to tell her and she had found out anyway. He wondered as he stared at the matt white wall; he wondered if his reasons for not telling her had ever been altruistic. Maybe the truth was that he had known Jess might choose to move away from Gus, that Jess might choose a fresh start elsewhere. Maybe he hadn’t been nobly trying to save the ripping apart of her family as much as keeping her near. He gripped the sink’s edge until his thumbs whitened, chomped his cheeks until he tasted blood, and then opened the door to find Jess on the other side.

  ‘I haven’t decided anything,’ she said, trying to take his hand.

  ‘The children are both inside,’ he said, tugging it back and heading towards them.

  Neat vodka. It seemed to work for her. Theo downed a half-glass in one go and sat in the den, listening to Harriet’s grandfather clock chiming eleven, followed by loud ticking. Time, it seemed had slowed down. He felt sure with each swallow that the ‘tick’ seemed to last forever, that the gap before the ‘tock’ arrived seemed longer. He closed his eyes.

  The next morning, as a brass band seemed to drum a beat in the temple area of his head, Theo listened to a voicemail left at midnight.

  ‘I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is upset you and I know I have. I’ve been reading Anna’s blog and it’s made me face up to her death in a way I hadn’t thought I could. It’s made me realize a lot about myself that I need to look at. I wasn’t expecting that – to learn more about me – as I realized I knew little about her. Anyway, I’m rambling …

  Call me? We do need to talk.’

  51. Jess

  Just when my body needs to rest, I can’t sleep again. Rose came to bed with me last night. I was too tired to argue and thrilled to hear her chatter again. Her chatter. It’s been missing as long as Anna has and I never even noticed. She’s been here. Rose has been talking but it’s only when the sound of her babble returned that I realized it had been missing at all. It’s like blood to my veins, pollen to bees, or love to the soul. I need it.

  I texted Theo early and asked if he could bring her to school for me and I got a one-word reply. Yes.

  Rose is munching on some toast I managed to make her. She has crumbs all over the bed and I honestly don’t care. What I do care about this morning is breathing well enough to allow me to get into a car and find Leah. I lift the phone, call my parents’ house. It’s only eight thirty in the morning but Mum will be up, the breakfast table all set. Dad will be being cared for by the carers.

  Mum answers after two rings.

  ‘Is she there?’ My voice mirrors my concern. I haven’t been able to reach Leah on her phone all of yesterday afternoon and evening and through the night too. It has never happened before. Gus isn’t answering his phone either. Every nerve in my body tells me that Jen revealed all.

  ‘You still sound awful.’ My mother focuses on me and doesn’t reply. ‘I’m worried about you.’

  ‘Is she there, Mother?’ I fight the urge to raise my voice just as she lowers hers.

  ‘Yes,’ she whispers. ‘She arrived late last night, has been on the phone for the last hour. There’s a lot of swearing involved.’ Mum sighs.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I close my eyes. ‘We always still run home to you.’

  ‘To be fair, love, this time, Leah couldn’t come to you.’

  The doorbell rings and my eyes blink open. ‘Rose’s lift is here, Mum. I’ll call you in a bit.’

  Downstairs, my nerves are jangling. Nothing fits right. Everything feels like I’m viewing it drunk. Everything except Rose’s babble. At the door, I pull her back, release a hair bobble from my wrist and tie her hair into a loose ponytail. It will have to do.

  Finn, not Theo, is standing on the other side. ‘Morning, Mrs P. Dad says you’re to go straight back to bed, and Rose, you ready? Mrs P, do you want Bea to collect her this afternoon?’

  Rose looks up at me, a confused expression on her face.

  I shake my head. ‘Tell your dad I’ll get her. I’ll be fine, and thank you.’ I wave them goodbye. Theo doesn’t look up from the driver’s seat, as if he’s looking at his phone. I will him to glimpse; forget that I look like I feel: exhausted, bedraggled. His eyes remain cast down until the back door opens and Rose climbs in. Then he throws his left arm over the back of the passenger seat, looks in the rear-view mirror and reverses out of the driveway. Not a glance. Not a peep.

  From the hallway, I call Mum’s again. My feet are bare, chilled on the cold tiled surface. I shiver, regret not wearing my dressing gown. Again, she picks up after two rings.

  ‘I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know if she’ll even talk to me.’ I dispense with any greetin
g to my mother.

  ‘Give her time. She’s reeling.’

  ‘I just, I just …’ I chomp down on my jaw, determined not to cry.

  ‘You have to let them work it out, Jess.’

  ‘Do you think they can?’ Part of me is hopeful and part of me is horrified by the idea. Assuming what’s happened is that Jen told Leah, I’ve been both angry at her and relieved that the burden was taken from me. I’ll never now know what I would have done with this.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Mum concedes, ‘I really don’t know. Now look, Jess, I don’t want you getting all wound up over this. You’re not well.’

  I rub the top of my head with my hand, massage a brewing headache. ‘Mum, my daughter—’ I catch myself mid-sentence. ‘Anna, had an affair with the man married to my only sister. They had a child together. Leah had given up having a child with him.’ I shake my head. ‘It’s awful in too many ways to count and I’m angry for her.’

  ‘Won’t change a thing.’

  ‘No,’ I agree, instantly aware that Mum and I haven’t talked about this, about Dad, about the fact that he kept what he knew from her. ‘Are you okay, Mum? I ask. ‘We haven’t had a chance to talk.’

  ‘No …’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Jess, please, don’t worry about me. You concentrate on you and your job here is to not let it mar your memory of Anna. Don’t let it spoil your love for Rose.’ I have a feeling that both have probably been ruined for Leah but my instinct tells me that even now, nothing Anna did could have made my mother love her less.

  ‘The latter’s guaranteed, the former I’m working on. Today …’ I try to take a deep lungful of air. ‘Today, I think I’ll just be grateful I’m breathing better.’

  ‘That’s a good start.’

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes, darling?’

  ‘Send her back to me. She won’t pick up my calls. I need to see her.’

  ‘She’ll be back when she’s ready, Jess. You need to get better and she needs to do whatever she needs to do, wherever she needs to do it.’

  I say goodbye and hang up, head straight back up the stairs to bed.