Ford winced. “They didn’t think it was their place. And they didn’t want to cause you any more pain.”
That was so very Frank and Kara, never wanting to hurt me. And I’d been too scared to ask them about Ford, didn’t want to hear that he was gone and never coming back. I threw my arms back around him, pressing my face into his muscled chest. His body felt different, the shape of it, the curves and edges, but the warmth felt just the same. “I’m sorry I was so angry with you. You’re not the only one who’s been focused on themselves.”
I’d been so hurt by Ford leaving, by not having him to lean on when he was the one person I wanted, that I didn’t stop to consider just how this whole thing might have warped his mind. Lies had taken root there, in his head and in his heart. And they had been screaming at him for over a decade. “It wasn’t your fault, Cupcake.” A tremor ran through him at my words. “Please hear me. It wasn’t your fault.”
Ford pulled me tighter to him, his heartbeat pulsing against my cheek. “I know. The rational part of me does, anyway. But I can’t tell you how much it means to hear you say it. I never thought I’d hear those words from you.”
I pressed my cheek harder against his pec. “Well, you’re hearing them.” Guilt took root in my belly and oozed outward. Ford had been through so much, and I hadn’t once paused to consider all the ways he could be hurting beyond losing Vi. We’d both been too focused on our individual pain, drowning in it, unable to reach out a helping hand to anyone because we were struggling to simply keep our heads above water. But that season had passed, and we were stronger now. We’d healed. But in a way where some of the bones hadn’t set right. We’d needed to rebreak them to ensure we walked without a limp, without pain. And now we were both broken wide-open.
“I’m so sorry my parents did that to you. I didn’t know.” The guilt flowed around muscle and sinew, making a home in my chest.
Ford rubbed a hand up and down my back. “I know you didn’t, Trouble.”
Tears threatened, burning the backs of my eyes. “I missed that.”
“Missed what?”
My mouth curved into the barest smile. “You calling me ‘Trouble.’”
Ford chuckled, the action sending vibrations through my body. “Never thought I’d say it, but I missed you calling me ‘Cupcake.’”
My smile grew as I forced myself to release my hold on Ford and step out of his embrace. The loss of him was physically painful. His arms, his warmth, they felt too good. “I’ll make sure to use it often and say it loud, especially in front of customers.”
He grinned, shaking his head. “I’m gonna regret admitting that, aren’t I?”
I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back my laugh. “You should’ve known.”
Ford’s smile turned gentle, a wistfulness filling his features as though he had lost himself in a memory. “I should’ve.”
I wanted to know what he was seeing, the scene he was lost in. Was he picturing the girl he’d left behind? The one who had been all knees and elbows. Or something else altogether? I cleared my throat. “After the lunch rush, you wanna go somewhere with me?”
Ford studied me carefully. “Always.”
My stomach clenched. “I’ll talk to Caelyn and Darlene; see if they can cover for us.” Ford nodded. “Don’t eat lunch.”
“Okay.”
It was as simple as that for Ford. He didn’t have the baggage that I did. Because I’d loved this man all my life. Adored him as a toddler when I’d chased him around the back yard, my little legs not getting me where I wanted to go. Crushed on him in middle school when I watched his football games with Vi. I’d fallen head-over-heels when he told me that I was worthy even if I didn’t want to be a doctor like my sister and father. I’d loved him forever, and the price I’d have to pay now was the guilt. Guilt and knowing I’d never have the one thing my heart wanted above all others. Him.
17
Ford
I pushed open the door to the parking lot, holding it for Bell. “You sure you don’t want me to carry that?”
“Nope.” She smiled up at me with that mischievous grin I used to see so often on her face. But it affected me differently this time, stirred something deeper. And at the same time, there was a painful pleasure in it, regaining something I’d thought was lost to me forever.
“Want me to drive?”
“Sure, I’ll play navigator,” she said.
I headed towards my SUV, and Bell let out a low whistle. “Fancy.”
Heat crept up the back of my neck. My family had always been solidly on the lower end of middle class. We never struggled to put food on the table, but my parents hadn’t been driving Mercedes G Wagons either. It had always been the Kiptons with the nice cars and the elaborate home. Bell had never seemed to care much about that stuff, but I wondered how hard it had been to give it all up when she went her own way. “There’s so much I want to know.”
The words tumbled out before I could stop them, and Bell’s steps faltered. “What do you mean?”
I pulled open the passenger door to my SUV, but Bell didn’t get in, just kept staring at me, waiting for me to answer. “I’ve missed so much. There’s just a lot to catch up on.” I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be to that. I’d missed so much because of my own stupidity and selfishness. Maybe she wouldn’t want to spend the months I was sure it would take to catch me up on even just the important stuff.
Bell’s expression gentled, and she reached out to lay a hand on my biceps, the warmth of the touch filling me with a peace that had been missing for far too long. “We’ve got all the time in the world…Cupcake.” That devious smile was back. “Plus, I need to hear about all the famous people you’ve met. It sounds like you were friendly with at least a model or two.”
I winced. I hadn’t been a manwhore really, but if I’d needed companionship for a night or two, it hadn’t exactly been difficult to get. It had waned over the years, though. The encounters had become empty, and yet I hadn’t been willing to reach for more. Not even seeing my friends Austin and Liam find incredible women to settle down with had prompted me to take that risk. I cleared my throat. “Famous people are overrated.”
Bell laughed. “Oh, you jaded LA soul.”
I grinned and helped her up into the SUV. “It does get old after a while.” I’d gotten restless over the past year, as if everything that gave me a thrill about running my bars had grown dull. I needed a new challenge or something. I just had no idea what that might be.
Bell buckled herself in but turned to face me before I could shut the door. “Maybe you’ve just been missing the things that give life heart. It’s not always the big, glamorous accomplishments. Sometimes, it’s the everyday things that have meaning.”
She wasn’t wrong. And I had basically crapped all over that everyday stuff. My parents. My brother. The Catch. Bell. I’d let them all down. There was nothing I could do to change the past, but I sure as hell could do something about the future. “You always were wise beyond your years.”
Bell’s nose crinkled as she gave me a mock scowl. “Always looking at me as the baby.”
I closed her door, careful to do it gently. If there was one thing I was sure of in all of this, it was that I no longer saw Bell as anything childlike. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I did. I rounded the front of my vehicle and climbed inside. “So, where to?”
Bell nibbled at her bottom lip and twisted her fingers in the sack that rested on her lap. I turned in my seat so that I was fully facing her. “What’s wrong?”
Her gaze lifted to meet mine. “I wanted to take you with me to do this thing I do every week or so. But now I’m wondering if that was a horrible idea.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking, and then I’ll let you know if it’s as bad of an idea as that one time you wanted to go cliff jumping in November.”
Bell chuckled. “Hopefully, it’s not that bad.” She released her hold on the bag, her eyes never leaving mine
, carefully assessing any reaction I might have. “I like to take picnics to Vi’s grave.” My heart stuttered in my chest, but I didn’t say a word. Bell pressed on. “I miss her. Miss talking to her. Even when she didn’t understand me, she was always there. So, I go and eat lunch and tell her about my week. Share crazy stories from the bar, what I’m reading, any whale sightings I’ve had.”
“She always loved the orcas.”
Bell pressed her lips together and nodded. “She did.” We were silent for a brief moment. “Do you think it’s weird?”
Some people might find it morbid, bringing a picnic lunch to a grave. I’m sure people in town gossiped about it like crazy. But I knew the heart behind it. “I went there for the first time yesterday.”
Bell sucked in a sharp breath. “How was it?”
“A lot less painful than I thought it would be. It was kind of nice.” I ran a hand through my hair. “That’s not the right word. It was peaceful. Like there was another little piece of closure. I can see why you like going there.”
“Do you want to go with me?”
The hope in Bell’s eyes damn near killed me. “Yes, I want to go with you.”
Bell let out a shaky breath. “Okay. I had Hank make your favorite.” She lifted the bag in her lap.
“Turkey club, extra cheddar?”
“And fries with honey mustard.” My stomach growled at her words, and Bell dissolved into laughter. “It’s good to know some things haven’t changed.”
“Never have, and never will. I swear that turkey club has haunted me.” I pulled out of the parking lot and started towards the graveyard where Violet rested, the music of Bell’s laughter lightening the pressure in my chest as we razzed each other about past memories. God, I’d missed this. So much it seemed impossible that I’d stayed away this long.
I pulled to the side of the street opposite the church, and Bell grew serious. “You really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
I reached over and gently took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze. “I want to.” I studied her light green eyes, noticing the small flecks of gold that dotted their depths. “I promise.”
“Okay. Let’s go.”
I released Bell’s hand, immediately missing the comfort and warmth. I reached into the backseat for a blanket that was always back there and hopped out of my SUV. My heart took another stutter-step as I took in the headstones, that guilt eating at me a little more. I kept my feet moving as Bell and I crossed the street and headed into the graveyard. But I wasn’t sure how I would be able to handle witnessing Bell’s grief up close and personal. I didn’t think I’d be able to not assume that blame.
A familiar pressure seized my chest, but I refused to abandon Bell again. I wasn’t going to leave her alone in this, even if it hurt worse than anything I could imagine. I followed Bell as she wove through the headstones, each step cranking the vise around my rib cage a little tighter.
We came to a stop at the now-familiar marker. As I laid out the blanket, Bell bent and pressed her lips to the top of the headstone. “Hey, sissy. Guess what? The trio of terror is reunited.” The action was so like Bell, not caring in the slightest that someone might think her odd for kissing her sister’s gravestone. But it was her tone that nearly knocked me over. It was happy, so damn joyful.
Bell had always surprised me, so I should’ve planned on her shocking me now too, but I hadn’t. She wasn’t angry or bitter that her sister had been taken from her far too soon. And she didn’t blame me for the accident. She was simply happy to have the three of us together in the only way we could be.
Bell set the bag down on the blanket and immediately began tidying the potted flowers. She cleared away fallen leaves, popped off blooms that had passed their prime, and then pulled a water bottle from the bag and began to water the pots.
I settled onto the blanket and watched her work, marveling at the focus, the tenderness. “You did all of this, didn’t you?”
Bell finished pouring the last bit of water into a pot. “I did.” She surveyed the greenery and the blooms around her. “I like making it beautiful for her.”
I sensed that was true, but also that she was holding something back. I didn’t blame her. I hadn’t proven myself to be a worthy holder of her secrets yet. But I would, eventually. “It’s the prettiest one here.”
Bell settled onto the blanket and started pulling things out of the bag. “I always was damn competitive.”
“I’m not going to argue that one.” Bell had always wanted to run faster, jump higher, and play with the big kids. I grinned down at my lap as I remembered that she’d tricked her mom into signing a permission slip to let her play flag football by telling her it was a form for cheerleading. Heather Kipton had been appalled when she and her husband showed up at the field, expecting to see their daughter dressed in a cheer uniform, and instead found her in football garb and playing with boys two and three years older than her.
“What are you grinning like an idiot about?”
I couldn’t hold in my laugh. “Flag football.”
Bell groaned, flopping onto her back. “I was grounded for a month.”
“They let you keep playing, though.”
She turned onto her side to face me. “Only because it would’ve meant admitting their daughter had tricked them if they pulled me out.”
I bent forward and picked up one of the bar’s to-go boxes. “That’s true.” I opened the lid and saw a panini. “No more grilled cheese?” That had always been Bell’s favorite.
She sat up and swiped the box from me. “This is just a classed-up version of a grilled cheese. Mozzarella, tomato, basil, with a little balsamic.”
“That sounds good. New menu item?” I hadn’t perused the menu much since I’d been back. I’d been too focused on numbers and thinking up ways to bring more bodies through the door.
Bell nodded as she chewed a bite of her sandwich. “Yup. We wanted to add a few items that might speak to the Seattle crowd. This was one of the first things Hank tried.” Bell grinned as she shrugged. “Who knew I had fancy-schmancy Seattle tastes?”
I grinned and pulled out my club. “Variety is the spice of life.”
“But it’s the old favorites that always taste the best.”
I swallowed hard, my bite of sandwich sticking in my throat. “I’m seeing that now.”
“Good.”
I cracked open one of the two Cokes from the bag and took a sip. “So, what do you usually do now?”
Bell glanced at the headstone. “Tell her about my week. Like I found an especially obscene piece of driftwood on my walk this morning.”
I arched a brow. “Obscene how?”
“It looked like a hooked dick.” Bell held up her finger, hooking it slightly to punctuate her point.
I nearly spit out the sip of Coke I’d taken. “I’m sorry, what?”
Bell laughed, pulling out her phone and showing me a photo she’d taken. It honestly looked like a crooked cock. It even had a bulge at one end that looked like balls. I laughed so hard, my eyes began to water. “Why did you take a photo?”
“I needed proof for Kenna and Caelyn. Kenna would’ve never believed me.”
I shook my head, grinning. We kept talking, to each other, to Vi, trading funny little anecdotes about our past week or two. We never ventured into anything too serious, as if both of us were still testing the waters. But the warmth of the afternoon sun, the excellent food, laughter, and simply being together took root in my chest, clearing all the pressure that had made a home there. It was the first time in over a decade that the vise was totally gone.
Nothing but peace remained.
18
Bell
“Girl, those guys at table six are giving you the business.”
I chuckled as I set a series of pint glasses down on Darlene’s tray. “You know my rule about customers.”
She waved a hand in front of her face as if shooing away a bug. “Yeah, yeah. If you need to get
you some, go somewhere else.”
“It’s always worked out well for me.” But now that I thought about it, it had been far too long since I’d come close to getting myself even a hint of anything. No dates, no kisses that made me long for more, and certainly no sex. I’d been too caught up in the bar, my restoration projects, and helping Caelyn with her siblings. Maybe it was time to take a night off and convince the girls to go out on the town. Perhaps even in Seattle.
“Heeeelloooo, Earth to Bell. You thinkin’ about gettin’ yourself some?”
I winked at Darlene. “Maybe I am.”
She picked up her tray. “Good for you. Those guys at table six are hot.”
“I’ll take it under advisement.” I turned and almost crashed into Ford. “Whoa.”
He reached out a hand to steady me, his palm seeming to sear the skin at my elbow. “What was that all about?”
My brows pulled together. “What? Darlene?”
“Yeah.”
I sidestepped Ford and began fixing a Jack and Coke. “Oh, nothing. She’s just trying to get me to break my rule.”
Ford stepped in closer, the heat of his body seeping into my back. “Your rule?”
I shot the Coke into the rocks glass. “Yeah. I don’t sleep with customers.” Ford let out some sort of strangled sound, and I glanced over my shoulder to see redness creeping up his neck. I clenched the glass tighter. “You know, I am a grown woman, Ford. I do have sex.”
He cleared his throat. “I know you’re not a kid, Bell.”
“Good. Now, if that’s settled, you have some customers waiting on you.” I inclined my head towards his end of the bar. Ford opened his mouth as if to say something and then closed it again, heading for the patrons flagging him down. Ford might know that I was an adult woman in theory, but I was pretty sure he’d always see me as that gangly fifteen-year-old in his mind. And didn’t that just burn?
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