by Mia Carson
“If he starts causing trouble, you call the cops…or get your gun.”
I rolled my eyes. “You do remember Levi, right?”
“Let’s go, Mommy,” Abby said as she wiggled in my arms.
“For God’s sake, Mary Ella, just be careful. You’ve been through enough.”
I kissed Mom on the cheek. “You’re sweet. I’ll call you tonight and let you know how it went. Will that make you feel better?”
She softened. “It might.”
I nodded. “I’ll drop her off at the regular time tomorrow,” I said as I bounced Abby on my hip.
“We’ll be here. And Ella…don’t say or do anything you’ll regret later.”
“I won’t. Love you.”
I stepped out the door, carried Abby to my Escape, and buckled her into her car seat. As we drove home, Abby prattled away about feeding Grandma’s chickens, which was always the highlight of her visit. She loved animals, and Mom’s chickens, the barn cat, and the half-dozen guinea fowl Mom kept for watchdogs and bug control, were a constant source of amazement and amusement for her.
We pulled into the drive of my rented trailer. There was a blue truck like Levi’s sitting there, but this one looked brand new. Seeing that sparkling blue Chevy made me want to cry. That was our truck. Not only did he still have it, but he’d continued to work on it.
I hefted Abby out of the Escape. Without exception, I didn’t entertain men at home when Abby was with me, so her eyes widened as Levi stepped out of his truck. He was holding something behind his back.
“You must be Abby,” he said, pitching his voice higher than normal. “I’m Levi, a friend of your mommy.”
Abby turned her face away and buried it in my neck, her arms clamping down tight. I stood still, and Levi said nothing else until she looked at him. He pulled a foot-tall stuffed bear from behind his back. I recognized it as a get-well bear from the pharmacy with the balloon missing.
“Can you do me a favor? I need to talk to your mommy, but my friend here, he gets scared if I leave him by himself. Can you keep him company for a few minutes while Mommy and I talk?”
Abby looked at the bear and slowly nodded. I pursed my lips as emotion threatened to make me cry. I hadn’t been celibate since Levi left, but most guys acted like Abby was a nuisance when we were on a date, something they had to work around. Levi was engaging with her.
He smiled at her. “Thank you, Abby. Theodore, this is Abby Johnson. Abby, meet Theodore E. Bear. Abby is going to keep you company for a few minutes, okay?”
I took two quick breaths to halt my tears. “Theodore?”
His eyes flicked to mine. “Yeah. He goes by Ted most of the time.”
Ted E. Bear. Abby wouldn’t get the joke, but I did. Goddamn him. He was no different than he had been five years ago.
I led him into my home. It wasn’t much, but it was the best I could afford. Mom and Dad would let me live with them, and while that might make things easier in some ways, it’d be harder in others. I didn’t want to be the thirty-year-old that still lived with her parents, so I was doing what it took to make it on my own.
I put Abby down, and she looked at the stuffed bear Levi was holding. He crouched and held the bear out to her. “Don’t be scared, Theodore. Abby’s going to take good care of you, okay?” he said, talking to the animal, then turned his attention to Abby. “He really likes to be held and have his ears scratched,” he said as he demonstrated.
Abby took the bear and held him close, scratching him behind the ears. “It’s okay, Theodore,” she said, but the name came out as tee-ah-door. “I won’t hurt you. You want to see my room?” She took the bear down the hall to her small room.
“You’re really good with kids,” I said softly.
“I like kids,” he said as he stood.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
I waited for him to start, but he said nothing. “So, you had something you wanted to say?” I prompted.
“Can we sit down?” I motioned to a chair and he sat. “I don’t know what I’m expecting, but tell me why, Ella. What happened?”
I sat down across from him. “Nothing to tell. I went to the barn, got drunk, and had sex with Steve. You know I wasn’t on the pill, and he got me pregnant.”
“That’s not the story you told at first.”
I shrugged. “So? Nobody believes me. I’m not even sure I believe me anymore. Maybe I made the whole thing up, like everyone says.”
He stared at me. “You don’t believe that. I can see it in your face.”
I shrugged again. “Doesn’t matter now.”
“It matters to me.”
I sighed. “You don’t know what it was like. Every person there said I left with Steve and was hanging all over him when I did. I don’t even remember getting into the truck with him. I was so fucked up, I thought you were there. For all I know, maybe I did ask him to fuck me.”
“You don’t remember any of it?”
I shook my head. “No, not really, not after the drug kicked in.”
“What drug?” he asked, but his tone told me he’d already heard this part.
“What difference does it make?” I snapped, angry. “Steve admitted he fucked me, and now he pays me a hundred bucks a month in child support.”
“A hundred bucks?” he snarled. “That’s shit!”
“We were nineteen, Levi! What do you want from me?”
“I want the truth. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“I don’t know what the fucking truth is!” I glanced toward Abby’s room and lowered my voice. “Cat changed her story and swears up and down she doesn’t know anything about an Ambien being in my beer. Everyone agreed I’d only had two beers and backed up Steve’s testimony that I left with him voluntarily. He says I all but demanded he fuck me and it was totally consensual. Maybe it was, I don’t know. According to him, we pulled off the road and fucked in the passenger seat of his truck, then he took me home. He claimed I told him I was on the pill.” I shrugged again. “Everything lines up just like his story. I can’t remember anything after I saw Cat and Greg screwing in the barn, so I couldn’t positively dispute his story.”
“If you were that drunk, or drugged, you couldn’t give consent, even if you did tell him to fuck you.”
“I only had two beers. Everyone there confirmed it. The cops finally decided I was pretending I didn’t remember any of it because of what happened. It was my word against a dozen other witnesses.”
“And nobody asked about being drugged?”
“What drug?” I hissed. “I didn’t take it, and nobody would admit to slipping it to me, so it was just considered more lies! Don’t you think I tried!”
He stared at me a long time. “Was it a lie?”
“Get the fuck out of my house!” I snarled, jumping to my feet and pointing at the door.
He didn’t move. “Sit down,” he ordered. “I had to ask. You said it was an Ambien?”
I glared at him for a long moment before sitting. “That’s what Cat said.”
“And nobody overheard her?”
“No. The manager at the McDonalds heard me screaming at her about being drugged after I slapped the shit out of her, but he didn’t actually hear her say anything. I told her I never wanted to see to her again, and I haven’t spoken to her since.”
“You know one of the side effects of Ambien with alcohol is memory gaps, right? That’s why it’s becoming the date rape drug of choice.”
“So I’ve been told.”
“So why did you give in and change your story?”
“You don’t know what it was like. Nobody believed me. The police all but said I was lying and trying to frame Steve. The Calhouns hate me, your parents hate me, and we both know how much weight your family carries in this town. I couldn’t win against all that, so I quit fighting.” I looked down. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Levi. I really am. But that’s past. I have Abby to think about n
ow.”
He nodded slowly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I shouldn’t have gone to the barn. I was only nineteen, so I shouldn’t have been drinking beer anyway. I messed up, and now I have to live with it. The worst part is how Steve treats Abby. He won’t have anything to do with her and pretends she doesn’t exist, the bastard.”
“Abby? Is that her real name?” he asked.
“Abigail Michelle Johnson. Abby, sometimes Munchkin.”
“Pretty name. She’s adorable. She looks like you.”
“Thanks. What about you? Why are you back?”
“Things happen.”
“Was it your dad’s heart attack?”
“That was part of it.”
“He’s okay now?”
“Yeah. Thankfully it happened over winter, so he could take some time off, and it was only a small one. They put in some stints and he’s fine now.”
“I’m glad. What’s the other part?”
“What?”
“You said your dad’s heart attack was part of the reason you came home. What’s the other part? What about working with and training the dogs?”
He clenched his jaw. “Like I said, things change.” I said nothing, waiting for him to continue. “My career was going nowhere, so after my tour was complete, I didn’t reup.”
I was intrigued. Levi never failed at anything. “How so?”
“I made a mistake.”
“Welcome to the club,” I said, my voice flat. I knew all about mistakes. “What happened?”
He took a deep breath. “I was on gate duty. For me, that’s the worst job an MP can do. You stand there your entire shift and wave cars through. Anyway, I was on duty one night and this Mustang convertible pulls up. It wasn’t a car I’d seen before, no sticker, no nothing, so I stopped it. There was a guy in the passenger seat who was obviously bombed out of his skull, demanding to be let on to the base. He claimed he was the base commander, like I knew what the base commander looked like. This chick-a-boom was driving, neither of them had an ID, and she wasn’t in much better shape than he was. I tried to turn them around, but this dude in the passenger seat wanted to get belligerent. Since he was claiming to be a colonel, I called my captain. He called the CO’s house, got his wife, found out her husband wasn’t home, so he called his major. They both showed up, along with the CO’s wife. Unfortunately for me, he actually was the CO.”
“So?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“So, you don’t embarrass the base commander when he’s drunk out of his mind, in a Mustang convertible, with some bimbo with her tits falling out all over the place, and you especially don’t call his wife to come see it. I didn’t receive a reprimand, but it was still a CLM.”
“CLM?” I asked, saying each letter separately like he did.
“Career limiting move. The official story became he was hypoglycemic at the time because he didn’t have his insulin with him, and the bimbo became a friend bringing him back to the base.”
“But you didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I know, and everyone involved does too, but the real story was too ugly. The captain went to bat for me, but in the end, he had to decide how important his career was to him. I was an airman first class, and I thought I was up for early promotion. That didn’t happen. When I first became eligible to be promoted to senior airman through regular time in grade, I was passed over again. When I asked about it, Captain Fillerton suggested that perhaps it would in my best interest not to reenlist. It was what he didn’t tell me that told me everything I needed to know.”
“That sucks!”
“Yeah, it does.” He held my eyes for a long moment. “Sometimes things don’t go as you planned.”
I nodded. “You got that right.” I sighed. “I guess we both got fucked, huh?”
Before he could answer I heard the patter of little feet. “Mommy?”
“Yes. baby?”
“Can Theodore stay?”
I looked at Levi. I was sure he wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t want to step on his toes. He held his hand out. She didn’t want to go, but I nudged her toward him. She slowly stepped closer and handed the bear to him. He took it and held it to his ear a moment. He smiled and handed the bear back to her.
“He told me he wanted to live here. I told him that was okay if you promise to take good care of him.”
“I will!”
He nodded. “Then I guess it’s okay.” She turned and dashed back down the hall. He stood. “It’s getting late and I need to go. Thank you for talking to me.”
“Did you find out what you wanted to know?”
He snorted. “That Hamlinton is a town full of gossips and busybodies? I already knew that. But yeah, I think I’ve heard what I needed to hear.”
He seemed so calm and put together. What I wouldn’t give to be so sure of myself. “I’m glad.”
“I’ll be seeing you around,” he said as he stepped out.
I nodded but said nothing as I closed the door. He hadn’t offered to kiss me. I was both relieved and disappointed. I didn’t have any right or expectation that we could start our relationship again, but there was a tiny twinge of disappointment deep down inside all the same.
He hadn’t said he believed me, but he hadn’t said he didn’t either. I was pretty sure, though, he wasn’t going to stir up a bunch of shit, if for no other reason than out of respect for what we had. That, above all else, was a relief.
I tucked Abby into bed, smiling to myself as she cuddled the bear Levi had given her. That shit Steve had never given her anything, the asshole. Abby in bed, I called Mom and gave her a thumbnail of our conversation. I could tell by the time I hung up with her she was thawing toward Levi, if not his family.
I scurried around, doing laundry and other chores, until I finally threw myself into bed. Tomorrow was going to be another bitch of a day. I lay in bed, thinking. Levi was the same Levi I knew five years ago. Calm, confident, and kind. My breathing became heavier as tears threatened. I’d ruined such a good thing. I should’ve never gone to the barn. I’d deeply hurt the man I loved and lost the best thing in my life at the time. I imagined Abby, Levi, and myself as a family. The family that could have been. That thought was more than I could contain. I hadn’t cried myself to sleep in at least a couple of years, but I did that night.
7
Levi
“Your mom said you paid a visit to Ella last night,” Dad said.
While his question sounded innocent, his tone clearly told me what he thought about it. While I respected his opinion, this was still my life and I wasn’t going to let him run it.
He and I were performing maintenance on our combines as we prepped them for the work ahead. I stood and watched as the thick oil drained out of the massive machine a moment before I answered.
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And nothing.” When he didn’t say anything, I looked at him. “What?”
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Nothing good can come from dredging all that up.”
“I had to know.”
He nodded as he inspected the various belts on the machine. “Did you find the answers you were looking for?”
I moved to the next grease fitting and attached the gun, squeezing the trigger to inject grease into the bearing. “I don’t know. She still says she was drugged and raped. Her description of the event matches mixing Ambien with alcohol.”
“The sleeping pill?” I could hear the doubt in his voice.
“Yeah. The missing memory especially.”
He grunted. “Sounds like a convenient excuse to me. Did she tell you nobody else agreed with her version of the story?”
I nodded and moved to the next fitting. “Yeah. She said she got tired of fighting when nobody believed her and just gave up.”
“Or maybe she finally admitted to herself she made a mistake. She shouldn’t have been drinking beer anyway.”
I nodded but said nothing. Technically we were underage, but at the barn beer was always available. She and I had shared more than one beer there, and had since we were seniors in high school. Everyone in town knew the seventeen to twenty-year-olds were drinking beer underage, but nothing was said so long as they didn’t hurt anyone and were smart about driving under the influence. What happened at the barn, stayed at the barn.
“She said she only had two beers. According to her, everyone agreed. Don’t you find it a little suspicious that she was so wasted after only two beers?”
He paused to look at me. “Exactly. That’s why I think her story is a bunch of shit. You weren’t fooling anyone, Levi. Judy and I both know you and Ella were drinking and having sex. We didn’t like it, but I also knew if we tried to stop it, you’d only try to hide it more. We trusted you, and we trusted her. I guess, in hindsight, we shouldn’t have. Not her.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Dad. Yeah, we’d sometimes drink a few beers, but we weren’t having sex.” I could tell he didn’t believe me. “You know the first time I made love to Ella? Two weeks before I shipped out, on her birthday. We were both virgins until then.”
He paled slightly. “Did you—”
“Yeah,” I interrupted. “I used a condom. When you first told me she was pregnant, it scared the shit out of me. I thought it might be mine. My point is, she wasn’t this wild party girl looking to get laid every chance she got. She was looking forward to leaving for college. We were going to get married. Why would she go out and do what everyone said she did? It doesn’t track with what I know about her.”
He looked at me for a long time then pointed to a bearing. “Don’t forget the idler. I don’t know. Why did she change her story then?”
“Maybe because nobody believed her?”
“Do you believe her?” he asked.
Did I? I wasn’t sure. Like Dad, it bothered me she had backed down and changed her story. I would have much preferred her to stand her ground, come hell or high water. I was the type of person who wouldn’t change what I believed if I thought I was right, and I didn’t care who it pissed off. The truth was the truth, whether anyone believed it or not. But I wasn’t here, and I didn’t know the pressure she was under.
