I could picture Chris opening the journal and his grandpa’s words, “A good man makes an account of each day. A successful man learns from both his triumphs and mistakes. Make a record of all your dealings, and you will be both.”
Every day since, you could find Chris scribbling in the large bound journal. I never asked him what was in it. That was private. But, now, staring at it, I itched to take a peek. Maybe it would help me figure out where his head had been, or better yet, his heart.
I kept running my hand over it; it was taunting me. I didn’t want to invade his privacy.
Hope returned and startled me. I dropped the journal. I let it lie on the cold tile floor when I took the warmed up blanket she handed me. “You’re a godsend, thank you.”
Her brown eyes sparkled when she smiled. “We’ll have some food up here for you shortly.”
“Really, that’s great. Thank you.” I could probably use some nourishment.
“Don’t mention it, sweetie.” She was one of those Southern women that had a pet name for every occasion. I liked it.
Upon her exit, I picked up the open journal and peeked at what was on the page. But my guilt turned to grief. Of all the entries it could have landed on, it picked the one day that had opened my eyes—our second wedding anniversary. It seemed like ages ago—so much had happened between then and now—but it was only two and a half months ago.
His entry started with the date, 5/16/16, and several bullet points. Leave it to Chris to make his journal look like an outline.
Ran five miles on the treadmill.
Listed 470 Church Street.
Returned Dr. Callahan’s call about leasing an office in the Addison building.
Called the appraiser and set up an appointment for the Wabash building.
Met with Councilman Duncan for lunch. Need to follow up with him about the city’s beautification efforts.
It sounded like Chris, all business, but then at the bottom of the page were the words:
I broke Jaime.
I curled up on the uncomfortable chair, wrapped in the warm, white blanket and took those words in. They were exactly how I felt, broken. I let my guilt go out the door and kept on reading.
I forgot our anniversary today, and to top it off, I went back on my word. Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone? Things are fine the way they are. Except that she’s lying as far away from me as possible doing her best not to cry. In all the time I’ve known her, I’ve only seen her cry at my grandparents’ funerals and the day I married Bianca. It’s always been a quality I admired about her. I appreciated that she wasn’t like her female counterparts that cried at the littlest infraction. But tonight, I broke her. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as terrible as when I watched the tears stream down her face. Even now, I can hear her trying to hold them back. And what am I doing? Nothing. Why can’t I reach over and give her what she wants? What she deserves? I hoped she had forgotten about the careless promise I made her.
Things at work are tenuous to say the least. It would be the worst possible time to have a baby and move. I’m not even sure why she wants to have a baby with me. It’s not like I’m winning at the dad thing. I love Allie, but I’m not cut out for fatherhood. The problem is Jaime was born to be a mother. Maybe we’ll have a baby someday, but not now, not when I’m on the cusp of either setting us up for the rest of our lives or headed toward bankruptcy. The Addison deal is going to put me on the map in this town, or be my downfall.
The tears Chris found so distasteful made their way down my cheeks as I read his words. I thought back to that night.
I had eagerly planned our anniversary, right down to having Allie stay the night at Bree and Caleb’s. I made Chris’s favorite, filet mignon, and ordered an overpriced bottle of champagne. I put on one of his t-shirts and nothing else. I did my hair in that messy-rock-band-video sort of way, the way that did him in. The candles were lit and the table was set. His gift was situated perfectly in the middle. I had texted him all day to remind him to be home on time. He never even said happy anniversary.
And then I watched the candles flicker and melt down into their holders. The food turned cold and the champagne warmed. At ten I texted, Happy anniversary. I laid my head down on the table in defeat. I didn’t know why I was surprised work had consumed him, but I thought maybe he would remember. As I sat there, it was the first time I thought maybe I had made a mistake, or at least it was the first time I admitted it. I had been so focused on proving to everyone, including my parents, that we weren’t just playing house that I failed to notice we had become what Chris promised we wouldn’t be, friends with benefits.
Twenty minutes later, he walked in the door. “Jaimes, I’m so sorry,” he called out and it echoed into the cold space.
I didn’t bother lifting my head. I felt him kneel beside me before I saw him.
“Hey Jaime, the day got away from me.”
I still didn’t acknowledge him. I was getting tired of that excuse.
He ran his hand up my bare leg. “You look hot in my t-shirt.”
I lifted my head and he smirked.
“Happy anniversary. I really am sorry.” He took the chair next to me and pulled me to him. Like a magnet, I crashed against him. He held me on his lap.
When I was close to him like that, it made me doubt my doubts about our relationship.
He rubbed my back and held me close. “So, what did you get me?”
“I’m rolling my eyes at you,” I spoke into his chest.
“I know. I messed up. You name it and it’s yours.”
I sat up and measured the truth of that statement in his eyes. There were only two things I wanted, and I had planned on starting that night. He looked sincere in all of his boyish charm. I turned to reach for the gift bag on the table, but before I could, his lips caught mine. I sank into his kiss while he ran his hands up through my hair and back down the length of my body. When he kissed me like that, I swore he loved me. His mouth consumed mine, reaching as far as he could go. We were both breathing hard when it was over, several blissful minutes later.
He leaned his forehead against mine and caught his breath. “Definitely my favorite outfit.”
“Just wait.”
He groaned in anticipation.
I thought it was the perfect time to give him my gift. I retrieved the “Happy Anniversary” bag and handed it to him.
I stayed snuggled up next to him as he opened it on my lap. First he pulled out the plans to what I thought was our dream house. I had been touring model homes and researching areas near Nashville. I knew he thought highly of the Brentwood area, so I focused my search there. I had found a terrific place with the perfect office space for him, including a beautiful open layout. They had large lots available that would afford a nice-sized backyard for the cutest five-year-old to run around in it.
He opened the folder with the floorplans, options, and pricing. He quickly shuffled through the papers. “What’s all this Jaimes?”
“It’s our future. I’m hoping you can take tomorrow morning off. I want to take you there on our way to pick up Allie. You’re going to love the office space. You should see the built-in bookshelves. Your grandpa’s old desk will look perfect in it.”
He didn’t say a word, he only reached back into the bag and pulled out the next item. He looked over the pink case. “You got me make-up.”
I sat up and smiled at him. “No. It’s my birth control pills, or the case.”
“That makes much more sense.”
I leaned in close and kissed his lips. “It’s empty. I took my last pill yesterday, so tonight we can get started on making that baby.”
He tensed up.
I leaned away from him and studied his face. There were no traces of the happy husband from minutes earlier. He looked shocked and appalled.
“What?” I arched my eyebrow. “You said two years and it’s been two years.” I did my best to warm him back up. I began to kiss his neck hoping he would join i
n on the fun, but he sat there, stiff as a board. “Chris?”
“Now isn’t a good time.”
“Of course it is. We’re outgrowing this place and we’re not getting any younger. And I can’t wait to have a little version of you and me.”
“Fine, we’ll look for a bigger place in this building.” His facial expression was pensive.
I tilted my head to the side and studied him for a moment. “I don’t want to move to another loft. Allie needs a place she can play outside and I want a space where I can give piano lessons. This house has the perfect spot for a grand piano.” I had almost saved enough money giving private lessons at each student’s home. Very inconvenient, but it was worth it.
“You can still give lessons.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. Right now, I want you to take me to our room, or the couch or wherever you want and let’s see—”
“I don’t think I want another baby.”
My heart sank. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I stared into his eyes and shook my head in confusion. “Why did you change your mind?”
“Circumstances changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think one is enough.”
In one second, our relationship imploded. Everything I thought I knew about us, about him, was brought into question. “I’m not going back on the pill,” I whispered, determined. I hated the way they made me feel, and at the moment I didn’t care if he ever touched me again.
“That’s your choice.”
I sat stunned. I don’t know if he could have said anything more hurtful to me. Tears flooded my eyes, then brimmed over and down my cheeks. He made no attempt to comfort me or to apologize. He let me go when I stood up off his lap and, like a wounded animal, limped to our bedroom. I crawled into bed and curled up into myself. I physically ached. There was a real pain in my chest. In that moment, I knew we were over.
It didn’t take him long to follow me into our room, but he spoke no words of apology or tenderness. I could hear him scratching out notes in his journal. I knew he was awake long after he set his pen down and turned out his light. We both lay there in the dark, wrapped up in our own thoughts. My mind was consumed thinking about next steps and Allie. I wouldn’t give up my place in her life.
After an hour, I felt the lightest of touches on my back.
“I’m sorry I forgot about our anniversary. Pick anywhere and I’ll book a trip for just the two of us. We can go on the honeymoon we never got to take. And don’t worry about taking the pill, I’ll handle the birth control from now on.”
I left our bed then and there and never returned.
Chapter Three
Dinner arrived via Hope. I was so hungry, hospital food looked good; and even worse, or better, it tasted good. I took small bites of the club sandwich as I watched the machines that were not only monitoring Chris, but keeping him alive. I thought about that night back in May. What had happened to the Chris I’d fallen in love with? The one who climbed trees with me, swung in hammocks on his grandparents’ porch, and talked all night long? The man who talked about family like it was the most important thing? That man didn’t exist anymore. He’d been replaced by a mere shell of who he used to be. He had changed, and I was so blinded by love that I refused to see it, but that night my eyes had been opened wide.
The morning after our anniversary, he’d left for the office to work his way through the week. I worked, too, getting my résumé up to par, and reaching out to any and all of my contacts. It was one of my student’s mother who gave me a lead on the position I was starting in three weeks. It wasn’t my dream job, but it was going to pay the bills, along with my private lessons. I had to spend more on a house than I wanted, but I had Allie to think about, and I wanted to be in a safe neighborhood. The house was darling, though not even close to the house I had picked out for all of us, but I realized that had only ever been a dream.
After I finished eating the hospital food and downing a large bottle of water, I made the mistake of looking in the bathroom mirror. My hazel eyes were red and lined, and the humidity that hung in the air was making my hair frizz. I did my best to smooth it out and pulled it back with a hair tie. I made my way to the small couch in the room and pulled the blanket around my thin body, trying to stay warm in the cool room. I held the journal in my hand and stared at it.
I’d already delved into his thoughts, and what else did I have to do? I knew sleep wasn’t coming anytime soon. It hadn’t for weeks.
This time I started at the beginning. I wanted to remember the boy I loved, but I feared his inner thoughts would obliterate that, too. I took my chances.
The first page was a note from his grandpa to him, I skipped over that, feeling it was too much of an intrusion, I’m not sure why. I was sitting there reading my soon-to-be ex-husband’s journal. How much nosier could you get? But out of respect for Grandpa C, I couldn’t.
He started right off using his journal like an outline. He was such a stay in the line kind of person. I should have known we were never meant for each other, but I used to think our differences were what made us work.
April 5
Bought Jaimes tickets to see Diana Krall.
Asked Audrey to prom.
Ordered tux. Looking fly.
Studied for AP calculus. I’m a genius.
He had always been full of himself, but I’d found it endearing back then. I don’t know why I was touched that his first entry was me. I was so excited to see Diana Krall in person; she’s an amazing jazz artist. When she played the piano, it was like listening to her soul. Chris never got her, but he took me anyway. It was the first time my parents let me go into Nashville unaccompanied by an adult. I guess technically we were eighteen, but we still felt like kids.
He wrote below his bullet points:
I’m still trying to convince Jaime to attend the University of Tennessee with me. I don’t know why she wants to be an Au Pair in France. I can’t believe her parents are letting her go. If it’s a matter of money, I talked to Gran and she said if that’s what Jaimes really wants they would work something out with her, but she’s being stubborn. She can see the world after she goes to school.
I had kept telling him it never worked out that way. Unlike him, I had to pay for my own education, and I would have been saddled down with student loan debt and never be able to travel like I had, unencumbered. In a weird turn of events, he’d ended up paying for some of my education. He paid off all my student loans after we were married. He did it without my knowledge. I still felt guilty about it, but he’d said he wanted to.
I skipped through the next pages as he droned on about preparing for finals and his graduation speech, Mr. Class President and Salutatorian. I think he was still ticked off that Tim Weismann beat him out for Valedictorian by a tenth of a percentage point. I skipped to the night, or should I say day, after our prom. It was the first entry without any bullet points or numbered lists.
I kissed Jaime. When did she get to be so beautiful? I wanted to rip Trevor’s hands off for touching her all night on the dance floor, and in the limo. Gran told me I should have taken her in the first place. Maybe she’s right, but if we date, we can never go back, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Granddad says girls like Jaime are the kind you take home to meet your parents. The kind you make commitments to. And if I wasn’t ready to be committed to her, that I should wait. Jaime deserved the best any man could offer, he said. Maybe when we’re older. I don’t know if I can wait.
He obviously found a way; he’d never lacked for female companionship.
I thought back to that summer as we tried to stretch out the days and make it last. I don’t think either one of us wanted to talk about our upcoming separation. We had been almost inseparable for six years, despite the fact we were teased about it in junior high and in high school we ran in different crowds—I hung out with the artists and drama kids, and he was the ultimate cool kid. But every
day we ate lunch together and tried our best to get into some of the same classes. He went to the school plays with me, and I went to the sporting events with him. He never missed one of my recitals, and I cheered him on at soccer and basketball games. What happened to those days?
I just knew my heart was going to break when he and my parents took me to the airport. We held hands in the back of the car all the way to Nashville International. I was going to miss my parents, but I would ache for Chris. I held onto him the longest when they dropped me off at the curb. “Don’t go,” he whispered in my ear. I was tempted not to, but I wanted to get out of our small town and see the world. I had never even been on a plane until that day. I wanted adventure, and to experience life outside of Fayetteville or even Tennessee for that matter. And maybe outside of Chris. I hadn’t realized back then that perhaps he was feeling the same way I had—that he could possibly be my forever. I thought I was the cliché of a best friend falling in love, and he had sure been cozy with Audrey that summer.
I looked through his journal to see if he had any thoughts on my departure. I found this little snippet.
Jaime left today. I almost kissed her at the airport. Maybe I should have. I decided I should break up with Audrey before school starts next week. I’m surprised she hasn’t broken up with me. All summer she accused me of liking Jaime more than her. I never denied it. I like Jaime more than anyone. I especially like how she looked all summer in her lifeguard uniform. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice how hot her body is. I don’t even think she knows. Another reason I like her so much.
Nothing deep, but I didn’t know what I expected, he was eighteen. It did explain why he hung out at the pool every day that summer. I liked the way he looked in his swim trunks, too. I wondered what would have happened if we would have acted on those feelings then. And what changed for him?
Christopher and Jaime (Pianos and Promises #1) Page 4
