by RJ Heaton
The bed springs squeak and moan as I lean over to open the side drawer to see if it might contain a pen and paper—score. TheThe first step to the new and improved Nikki Cooper life, is writing a list of changes that need to happen and some much-needed personal goals.
Divorce #1, #1, #1
Job-Start my own business maybe?
Full recovery (Walk Again)
Find a home
Get kids home with me!!!!!
Seems like a decent list. I set the pen and paper down on my abdomen, feeling a little better just writing the words down. First step done.
The next step, I need to get out of this bed and start with my list. I lean back over and the pen flings out of my lap. I grab the phone and push nine and then the number.
“Heather.”
“Nicole Cooper where the hell are you? I know that you’re not with Ethan, because he has been over here every day looking for you. Actually, everyone has been going crazy looking for you.” I let her rant in my ear. I deserve it, not letting anyone know where I am.
“I’m sorry Heather. I needed some space. Didn’t Sean tell you where I am?”
“What? Sean? No. Please do not tell me you are with Sean?” The panic in her voice makes me smile.
“Oh god no. He found me, because of a credit card alert. I just figured he would have told everyone.”
“Nicole, you have a lot of explaining to do.”
“Yes, Mom!” I tease snarkily. “But can you do me a favor first? And then I promise to spill all.”
“What?”
I laugh, “Will you come get me from the Comfort Inn? Oh, and bring a clean set of clothes? I’m in room two-hundred-four.”
“You owe me big time!”
“I know, and thank you, Heather.”
Four
The hum of Heather’s SUV is a nice change of sound from the television and silence of my hotel room. It’s hard to believe my butt was glued to that room for a week. If this isn’t rock bottom I’d be scared to see how far down that dark pit goes. My viewpoint is pretty bleak.
“Nikki, I’m worried about you.”
The whirling color of the buildings, cars, foliage and everything in-between hypnotizes me. I don’t even know how to respond to her. If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be me doing the worrying. Heather is like me in the fact that both of us need things to be orderly. We get that from our mother. Everything needs a home; put away in its designated place, routine is a must and god forbid anyone or anything be tardy. Punctuality is our family motto. I laugh to myself. We used to joke that we’re spontaneous—if we have a plan.
This little accident has thrown a monkey wrench into our ordinary stable lifestyles. Neither Heather nor I handle quirky shifts all too well. I know she’s going out of her mind with worry.
“So you lost all movement again?” There was no way to hide it. She had to help me into the car. I turn my head from the blurring objects speeding by and look at her.
“I’m sorry Heather.”
Both of her eyebrows draw together in confusion. “For what?”
“Will you just let me say I’m sorry?” I sigh and feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m a mess. My whole life has fallen apart!” The tears spill over and slide down over my cheeks. I want to unroll my window, lean my head out and scream into the wind so loudly that all the windows split and shatter. I want my pain to echo so deafeningly that Sean can hear it with such velocity it blows out his eardrums. My mind, body and soul are so beyond broken and filled with excruciating pain. For once, I want him to feel that pain too.
“Heather, how can I make the pain stop?”
“Do you need some of your medicine? I think there’s some in my pur …”
“No. I’m not in physical pain. It hurts in here.” I lift my left hand and cover my heart. “And here,” I point at my head. “It hurts inside.” Nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. I’m a mom, a wife, not this … loser invalid living with my sister, not working, not taking care of my own children. Not that they need me all that terribly much anymore, but I’d still like to think if they needed me I’d be there to help.
“What’s the point of it all?”
Heather jerks the steering wheel to the right and slams on her brakes. Frustration is written all over her face when we are clear from the traffic.
“What’s the point of it all?” She shifts in her seat to look directly at me. Her steely eyes boring into me, pierce right through to my core. I don’t have enough emotional thought process left in me to even respond. Nothing, I have no need or care to fight. I shrug my shoulders at her, indifferent because of the numbness and coldness that has taken over my body.
“Oh goodie. I get a lifeless nobody to drag around until I’m an old lady.” Her comment doesn’t get my blood boiling or evoke any stimulus. Not the response she expected to evoke anyway. She sighs and sits back in her seat. “You’re right. Who knows what this is all for, but I do know one thing is for sure …” She pauses and I look at her, my eyebrows raised in anticipation to see if she plans on finishing her point.
“He can’t win. Sean can’t drag you through all of this and then win in the end.”
“Heather it’s not about winning. This is my life we’re talking about. Not some game—let’s see who’s better.” I tug at my hair exasperated.
“Exactly, this is your life and he made promises to you that he broke.” He didn’t just break promises he shattered my heart. I guess when you put in everything you’ve got and don’t leave a little locked up securely—you run the risk of everything being obliterated. There are so many torn up tiny shattered and tattered scraps and pieces of me strewn to the wind that I doubt there’s even enough to put half of me back together again.
“… and none of it matters anymore.”
“Damn it, Nikki! Yes, it does.”
“He’s not worth falling apart over. It’s him that should be the one picking himself up from the dumps. It’s him who has lost the most amazing thing that was ever in his life. He royally screwed up. And the best vengeance will be when you’re fully recovered and moved on with someone who truly makes you happy.” A sting of heat bursts through my heart. I was trying to open up with Ethan only to be smacked down again.
“I don’t think that’ll happen.”
Heather smiles widely at me, “It will, you just have to trust that not everyone is Sean. Over time you’ll see.”
I’m glad someone is so hopeful for me, but right now … fairytales and happily-ever-after’s are just for the story books.
“Can you promise me one thing?” I glare at her, not wanting to make any promises at the moment.
“What?”
“Will you at least start back with your therapy again … tomorrow?”
I growl under my breath, “Fine.”
Heather pulls back on the road and once again I get lost watching the objects fly by. Our little pit-stop maybe helped her feel better, but the numbness still has me feeling—nothing.
“Ethan came by multiple times looking for you. He looked absolutely dreadful.” I sigh heavily. Hearing his name jump starts unwanted thoughts.
“It’s better this way.” I simply say.
“Better?” The question burning in her eyes has me squirming in the seat. She’s right. How is it better? How many excuses can my mind make up for the predicament I have cornered myself in?
“Oh come on Heather. You saw how much younger he is than me. He’s just starting his life. He’ll want a family, kids of his own. My kids are all about to be out of the house. Could you imagine me starting all over—at this age? I’d have to shoot myself if I got pregnant now.”
Heather bursts out laughing, “That would be hilarious.”
“No, it wouldn’t!” I argue. I let out a deep breath and shake my head. Just having the discussion about babies has me exhausted.
“Well, no one is telling you to run out and get knocked up.” She smiles deviously and I would swear a sparkle g
listens across her glazed eyes. “Nothing wrong with having a little fun or …” she pauses, “cutting loose.”
Ugh, why does everyone keep telling me to just let go and have fun? “I’m sure that I’ve had about enough cutting loose and fun for quite a while. Now, I need to get focused and figure out what I’m going to do from here on out.”
“Do you have any ideas?”
“I’m working on it.” I snap.
“Are you going to give me any hints?” She wiggles her eyes and smiles at me while she eggs me on. My sister seriously knows how to infuriate me.
It’s me smiling now. “NO! But as soon as I figure out all the deets I will let you know. In fact, you’ll be the first to know.” I lean my head back on the comfortable headrest of the SUV. Besides trying to figure out a new career direction, the nagging reminder that tomorrow I’m supposed to have therapy, and I promised Heather that I would continue going, is fogging my mind with a plume of smoke. Maybe, I can get away with avoiding it for just a few more days.
Five
“Are you worrying about tomorrow?” I lift my head and stare at my sister. How are siblings always so intuitive?
“A little.” I barely whisper.
“Do you know if it’s him or someone else who will be your therapist.” I shake my head no indicating I have no clue. I haven’t seen Ethan since the night of Lexie’s graduation. I had gone with him to his house and fallen asleep on his couch. Simone was not too happy finding me there in the middle of the night. In truth, I wasn’t all too happy that she showed up either. I never waited for an explanation. Did I assume wrong? Either way, this is better. Ethan and I won’t work.
I don’t know if my mental state will be in any shape to jump right back into all of it tomorrow. Heather’s worried look is not giving me any sort of reassurance either. I’ll tell her in the morning that I’m just not up to it yet. Promises were given and I won’t go back on them, but time … I just need a little more time. “I think I’m going to head to bed.”
“It’s still early.” Heather looks at her wrist watch to confirm her point.
“Yeah, but I’m dead tired, and that meal you fed me is knocking me out.” I feel guilty. I disappear for a week and then when my sister finds me and drags me back to her house, all I want to do is disappear again.
Disappointment crosses her face; she inhales deeply and then her tone softens. “I’m sure you are. You’ve had a lot going on lately.” Her eyes flash up and I see the movement that caught her attention. Joe leans on the frame between the kitchen and the living room. Another plate of food adorns his hands. I’m stuffed. I have no clue how he can possibly eat more.
“Enjoy your hiatus?”
“It was great. The best part of it all; I didn’t have to smell your rank stench.” Joe lifts his arm and sniffs under his armpit.
“You’re not in the house for even ten minutes and you two are at it already.” Both of us look at my sister and shrug our shoulders at the same time.
Joe and I always like to razz each other. If we happened to stop harassing one another that’s when people should worry, but tonight it’ll be on the down low. I transfer over into my chair and head toward the room I’m calling my own for right now. “Good night Heather, good night Joe blow.”
“Night Sis. Try to get some rest.” Without looking back, I raise my left arm and give them both a little wave.
There is no comparison between this bed and the one at the hotel. I sink in and let every muscle relax smothered in the comfort. Why did I wait so long to come back? This is bliss. Heather had made meatloaf and mashed potatoes with green beans. The heavy meal mixed with mental exhaustion equals sleep ready eyes. The urge to fight against them is non-existent. They close as I drift into slumber.
“Momma? Are you sleeping?”
A light soft whisper pulls on my consciousness. A dip in the bed causes me to shift slightly. “Are you sleeping?”
I moan, trying to work out the scratch from a dry throat. “Yeah, baby I’m awake.”
Lexie crawls under the covers and snuggles up against me. I’ve missed her so much.
“Momma, I waited for you. Where were you?” I know instantly that she is talking about me missing her graduation party. I was so self-absorbed that I no-showed my own daughter’s high school graduation party. What kind of mom does that?
I roll to my side and wrap my arm around my only daughter. “Lexie baby I am so sorry that I missed your graduation party. I don’t know what came over me. I’m a mess baby.” I have made it my life mission to never disappoint my kids. I have always made them my top priority and I failed her. I did the worst thing possible in my book. I wasn’t there for her when I should have been. I was too wrapped up in my own drama that it took over and I forgot about my own daughter’s party. I know that this one thing will haunt me forever and I don’t know how to repay her for the damage this could have possibly done to her.
“This isn’t like you.” I shake my head dejectedly. I know that words can’t erase her pain, and the betrayal I filled her with will linger. “I do love my computer you got me, though.” I smile warmly at her. Having a good computer with the capabilities to handle what she needs for her art school is of the utmost importance. She has enough on her plate. She needs the appropriate tools. But buying her material things does not mask my screw up.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to hear the devastation choking her voice. I betrayed her. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing to everyone lately. My throat tightens.
To me, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at pulling in all the bad and boxing it up tightly, but the pain keeps spilling out over the top and it’s not only affecting me, but everyone around me. I am not containing it well.
Six
Lexie sound asleep next to me makes me feel better. She told me multiple times last night that she forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself. I really need to get on my feet. Literally. Woe is poor-Nicole-Cooper. Pathetic.
Heather lightly taps on the door and comes in and sees the two of us curled up together. She smiles warmly, “are you feeling up to it today?” She wants me to continue with my therapy and god love her I know that she will push me until I do it.
I shake my head gently as to not wake Lexie. “Not yet, but I’ll get there soon, I promise,” I say quietly. Her smile weakens a little, but remnants of it still remain. I’m sure me being home and not missing helps to ease her mind.
“I understand. I’ll make us some breakfast.”
“Thank you, Heather … again.”
***
I wish Lexie had time to stay with me today, but she has taken a job for the summer before she’s off to college. It was such a good warm pleasant feeling having her wrapped against me. For the first time in a while, I actually felt needed.
Heather and Joe leave for work after we all eat blueberry pancakes together and now the house is cold and empty. It’s moments like this that I wish there was somewhere important for me to be, like work. I wheel into my room and grab my phone. Maybe, my crazy friend by some fluke chance has the day off.
“Holy cow, Nicole! What has happened to you? You better be in a dark crevice with both of your legs and at least one arm broken. If not that means you have been purposely ignoring me and I personally will see to a beat down.”
No … hello, how are you? I’ve missed you. Nah, that’s not Carrie’s style. Man, I love her.
“Better get the beat down ready. Although, in my defense I do have one arm and one leg that isn’t working. Does that count?”
“Hell no! Your fingers still work, don’t they? Or are they unable to push a couple numbers on a keypad to call me?”
“I’m sorry Carrie. I … I think I’ve finally lost it.” I’m apologizing a lot lately.
“Where are you? I’m coming over.”
“Heather’s,” I simply say.
“I’m on my way!”
***
“Okay, spill it!” Good ole Carrie fashion, she
goes right for the liquid gold.
“What do you mean?”
“Nice try Nicole.” Her pulled together eyebrows and mouth set in a hard line screams she means business.
“Oh, full names now?” I tease. She is always so easy to get a rise out of.
“Come on Nikki. I’ve been so busy working and the new training garb that I’ve already missed out on so much drama. I need some news besides the little snippets Heather has given me, and there is no way I’m asking Sean diddly-squat.” I almost laugh at her ridiculous begging for any scoop—but there is none. I stare at her with the corner of my lip twisted up feeling quite bemused with her antics. “Nothing then? Hmph, I guess I’ll just have to fill in the blanks.” She looks up at the ceiling of my room and her golden-hued hair bounces back softly against her shoulders.
“My friend Nicole Cooper meets hot young therapist and supposedly—accidently runs into him at her daughter’s graduation ceremony. Perfect time to introduce the family,” she adds and bats her long eyelashes at me. “Let’s continue, shall we?” I nod my head at her to finish her wild make-believe story. “So then … young hot therapist goes to family graduation dinner and is clearly very cozy with my best friend. From what I heard, he couldn’t keep his hands off her.”
“Oh really?” I ask.
“Hey, it’s my story remember? My friend didn’t feel the need to fill me in, so I have to only assume added with the wise words of others.”
I roll my eyes at her, “I am so terribly sorry I interrupted then, please continue.”
“Thank you. I think I will.” I take a sip of my wine and listen while she continues.
