by RJ Heaton
“I was hoping you’d show up here sooner or later.”
“I thought about finding a different physical therapy clinic.” It’s only a quick wince, but I see it. I feel guilty telling him the thoughts that had went through my mind, but I don’t see the point in lying. The confession obviously hurt him.
“I’m glad you didn’t.” His voice is so gentle and I’m instantly spiraling into the Ethan trance.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Laura walk right past us and straight to an elderly woman off to my right. I laugh to myself. She wasn’t even looking at me. I look back at Ethan, but did I really want Laura? Why else would I have come here? I’m lying to myself if I say I didn’t want to see him. I did. If I had wanted to stay away from him, then I would have found another place for therapy.
“Are you ready to get back in the game?” I can’t help but think his words have a double meaning. I’m ashamed to tell him, but it will come out anyway.
“I can’t move my arm and leg. They stopped working the night I left …” I don’t continue my words. I think we both know exactly what night I am talking about.
Ethan gives me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry Nikki.”
“It’s not your fault.”
A flicker of his tongue juts out and wets his bottom lip. My eyes are drawn to the movement. I swallow hard. How can he make my insides capsize and fold like origami? “How about we just start from the beginning?”
I know this time there is a double meaning to his words. Against my will, my eyes dampen—tears threatening to spill. These dang emotions need to get off at the next stop. I’m done with this rollercoaster ride. Ethan doesn’t move from his squatting position in front of me. He just patiently watches me in my emotional distress. It’s my move and he’s waiting for my play. The problem is I really don’t know what my next move is. Sean has persistently been asking me to come home and I feel like he is weakening my joists, and then meeting Shad. I have no idea what is going on there.
“Simone and I are over. We have been for a while,” he says softly. “I know what happened that night must look bad and it might appear differently to you, but that’s Simone for yeah. She has a nasty bite and it leaves a gnarly, festering wound in its place.”
I don’t interrupt him. My green eyes bounce between his deep blues to search for the truth’s he speaks. His eyes show pain, hurt, remorse, but not lies. “She cheated on me. She burned me hard. There are no chances left for her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I’m shocked by his admission, but it seems to be the ‘thing’, to cheat on your other half. Since I have recently experienced the same bludgeoning from my husband—I know how badly it hurts while your heart is served up as a sacrifice.
He reaches his hand out to me. He’s going half the distance and is waiting to see if I will meet him the rest of the way. My fingers tingle with a life spark, resetting the nerves to hum with electricity. Gently, I place my hand in his. Ethan scoops me up and walks into the water holding the weight of both of us. Gradually, he slides me down into the water never letting go. “Can you put your legs down?” I nod my head, yes, but internally I’m terrified they won’t hold me up. Inch by inch Ethan helps me to a standing position. The warm water sloshes around us weightlessness. Weightlessness relieves the strain on my arm and leg. I can stand putting most of my weight on my left leg, but for the most part, Ethan is bearing my weight.
His long fingers wrap around my forearms like a warm embrace.
“I know you can do this baby,” he whispers so softly it feels as if it’s a wind song blowing across my ears. Goosebumps erupt over my skin and my insides warm by the simple touch. Ethan evokes physical contradictions beyond my control. I want him to grab me and hold me so tightly that everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks disappears into a cloud of smoke.
“Nikki, you got this. It’s only been a couple of weeks since you were showing such good progress. Come on. Stand up. I’m right here. I have you … trust me.” I close my eyes and summon all my strength to stand. Not with just one, but with both legs. The buoyancy of the water helps limit the weight on my bad leg. I straighten and lock my knees and wait for my right leg to collapse underneath me. But strong arms circle around my waist and help give me the support I need.
My body sings from our proximity, I crave him closer. It’s me who steps back. Actually lifting one leg and then the other, until I feel him against me. His chest against my back, I close my eyes again and feel the rumble of pleasure vibrating in his chest. “Nikki.”
Why can’t things just be this simple? Ethan helping me heal, and us possibly having a real relationship. Maybe we could be good for each other. I take a deep breath in and melt into the feeling of his strong arms enveloping me
“After therapy, me—you we’re going for lunch, okay?” I easily accept.
For the next forty-five minutes, I try to the best of my abilities to do everything Ethan has me do. I feel better getting back into the groove again. Not only did my body need this, but my mental state was on the verge of collapsing it needed this as well.
Sixteen
Heather only responded with an ‘okay’ when I told her I was going to grab lunch with Ethan. She knew that we needed to have a conversation and there was no way she was going to interfere. When all of this is over I’m going to owe her a serious vacation—maybe a cruise.
“Thank you for coming with me.” I look up from my menu and meet his warm caring eyes. There is so much tenderness hidden beneath them. I smile shyly.
I hate that the gloomy weighted question, is this ever going to go anywhere, shadows the better half of my mind. Instantly, a pro-versus-con list splits right smack down the middle of my brain. He makes me feel good about myself; he makes me feel like I’m wanted, and beautiful. But, and that is a big but, he is so young and us getting together undoubtedly means his chances of being a father, husband and having his white picket fenced house full of a family would be non-existent. It wouldn’t be remotely right of me to take that opportunity away from him. The worst part is he has no idea what it would be like not having those things.
“Nikki, please tell me what you’re thinking. I can tell that your beautiful mind is spinning.” His calm tone wraps around my worried mind like a soothing blanket. He reaches across the table and cups his hands over mine. “I get it. I really do.” He inhales a deep breath and slowly lets it out.
“Are you guys ready to order?” A woman’s voice breaks our intense moment. We both hesitate before breaking eye contact with one another and look up at our waitress. Ethan’s gaze returns to me.
“Are you ready?”
“I’m not starving, so I think I’ll have the chicken salad with ranch please?”
“Do you want cheese on that?” My head is still trying to come down from the clouds and I want her to hurry up and leave.
“Yeah sure,” I respond. Ethan quirks his lush pink lips at me.
“I’ll have a double cheeseburger cooked medium rare, French fries with some ranch on the side.”
“Anything to drink?”
“I’d take a diet coke please?”
“I’ll have a coke,” Ethan tells her, not pulling his gaze from me.
“Okay, sounds good. I’ll have this out in a jiffy. Her words sound a lot peppier than her actions show, as she slowly saunters away.
“You must be hungry.”
“Well to tell you the truth, my appetite has been off since I thought I lost you. Seeing you again rejuvenated my desire for food.” He does appear to be thinner. I guess this has affected both of us more than we thought it would.
“Ethan, I … well, I don’t know what to do.” I finally say feeling exasperated.
His grip on my hand closes tightly. “Look, let’s not jump to conclusions on this. I feel it, Nikki. I feel something akin to desperation here.” he pulls one hand free from our pile and places it over his heart. “Have you ever felt so twisted up and deprived because you wish to be wit
h that one person? That one person you know your heart desires, craves and will not go on beating without them, that one person that creates a feeling that makes you wait by the phone hoping they will call? You are that to me, Nicole Cooper. Against all the odds the world is trying to stack up between us, we deserve a chance.” Tears spring to life in my eyes. Never have I ever had anyone fight so hard for me. His words are filled with so much passion. “Please don’t cry, baby.”
I try to smile at him reassuringly, but I probably look like I’m growling. I’m still so confused on what the right thing to do is. I take a nervous breath in, “Ethan, if you choose me, you don’t know what you’ll be missing out on.”
“On the contrary, I’m thinking about all the possibilities.” He winks and this time I can’t help but give him a full smile. “That’s my girl.” I feel like there is no arguing with him. I just shake my head in disbelief of his denial.
“How about this? We kind of jumped in head first. How about we start with our toes and get a feel of the temperature?”
“I still don’t know. If I choose this road, then I’m being selfish.”
“Please, by all means … be selfish.”
“Ethan, I’m being serious. I just don’t know yet if I can …”
“What, let someone love you?” My heart skips a beat.
Love
I’m just thinking about dating, not even getting close to the point where I could possibly fall in love again. Could I open up that far to fall in love again? Sean ripped open my heart to let it slowly bleed to death. I’m not sure there is enough gauze to pack that back closed. I look at Ethan lost for words. Thankfully, our waitress brings our plates of food and interrupts just at the right time.
“Nik,” I pick at my food not composing myself very well. I watch the dressing intently hoping that I won’t have to meet Ethan’s ocean blue eyes. “Nikki, don’t shut me out.” I pull my eyes away from the white creamy dressing and chance a look at Ethan. “All I ask is don’t shut me out.” His tone is so soft and the look of concern is chiseled into his face. I nod my head in agreement.
I don’t know why I am so scared to just give in and say yes. Yes, I want to be with you, because I know with all my heart that’s exactly what my heart wants. Why do I care so much about him having a future with little Ethan’s running around? The very instant I think that, pangs of hurt splinter my heart.
“Slow, we will take it slow. I know so many awful things have happened over the last few months to you, and there is so much building and repair that needs to be done first. Nikki, you can trust me and I will prove it to you.”
Seventeen
It took everything in me not to ask Ethan to come inside. I wanted him to come in and erase all doubts from my mind. He told me him and Simone are long over and done. The old Nikki would have taken that information and never gave one little ounce of doubt into it, but ever since I caught my husband Sean cheating on me, my trust level crashed. Ethan has never given me a reason to doubt his worthiness, but Simone coming in late to their home flew up red flags. I am not willing to throw out the good ole’ I trust you banter when my emotions are in flux.
I rub my cheek where Ethan gently kissed me before I came inside. That I didn’t protest. His lips were warm and sparked electrical currents to convulse through my veins. The sound of his minivan purring to life and driving away causes a longing to fill my senses. I have therapy tomorrow, but tomorrow may not come fast enough.
I wheel myself away from the front door. The house is dark and lifeless. Everyone is working while I’m left to my own accord. I’m not hungry, but for some reason I find myself looking through the fridge for a distraction. In the middle of taking a big swig of milk right from the carton my phone rings. I put the milk away and turn to grab my purse from the kitchen table. I hear it ringing and ringing and find it just in the nick of time.
“Hello,” I say panting heavy into the phone.
“Been out running?” Ramp’s deep voice vibrates through the phone.
“Huh?”
“You’re panting. Or maybe it’s just that you saw my name come across the phone and you got all hot and bothered—Worked up.”
“No,” I snap. “I was just trying to find my phone.” The man seriously gets me so flustered.
“Alright, toots. Whatever you say.” I smile in conjunction to his blatant comment. This man has seen me naked, which is more than I can say about Ethan, and both of them make my heart stop, pound and beat again. What the heck am I going to do?
“So what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from you today?”
“Motocross.”
“Motocross?”
“You should come out and watch with me this weekend.”
“Motocross?”
“Yeah, it’s a great time. I think you’d like it.”
“And let me guess, you like to get on those two wheeled death traps?”
“Hellz right I do. The wind in my hair, the speed and a hunk of metal beating over the dirt and jumps—freaking love it. I’m a little rusty right now since I’m just getting back from a twenty-two-month tour overseas, but it shouldn’t take too long to get back in the groove of things.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Everything can be dangerous, toots. You could slip on the kitchen floor cooking; hit your head, break your leg, hell, even crack your skull.” He’s got a point. “Can’t sit and wait for a ‘possibly could happen’ scenario your whole life. If you do that, then before you know it your whole life has passed you by and you haven’t done crap-all.”
“Have you been reading my mind?” I ask thinking about how close he is to my recent thoughts. The thought of how much time has gone by and the feeling that I have never really accomplished anything, well, except for my kids, has weighed heavy on me lately. I am proud to have given life to three children and then given the opportunity to watch them grow into amazing adults, but that’s about it.
“Nope, just speaking the truth sugar.” His acronyms make me smile. I’ll give him one thing; he does know how to charm a girl. I want to say yes to his invite, but I’m worried what it means if I do. Tomorrow I will be going to therapy again and that has my mind reeling. What about Ethan? Maybe, I had jumped to the wrong conclusions, and we can work it out? I look around the room my eyes trying to fixate on anything solid. Friends, all of this is just friendship. I can have male friends. I half convince myself.
“Where is it at?” I finally ask.
***
“Hey do you and Aaron want to go to the Motocross races this weekend?”
“Since when do you want to go to watch motorcycles loop around in circles? It’s loud and dusty.”
“Well, yeah I suppose it is, but I got invited to watch and I thought having you guys there it might be less awkward.”
“Wait! Who invited you?”
“So …”
“Nikki!” She says my name with such a perfect mom tone that I instantly feel like I’m in trouble.
“I kind of met this friend of Lance’s.”
“What? When and how, and what kind of guy is he?” I laugh into the phone at my dear friend Carrie. I got to give it to her. She can always get a good laugh out of me.
“He called a few days ago. He called me after he found out Lance was gone. He asked me to meet up with him, so I did and we talked about Lance.”
“You met up with him … alone?”
“Yes, alone. In a public place the first time. He’s a nice guy—he’s military and …”
“The first time?” I can hear the accusation in her voice.
“Aaron, we’re going to the Motocross races this weekend,” She yells loudly into the air causing me to pull the phone away from my ear.
“Of course we’re going with you.” I love Carrie. There’s no doubt about who wears the pants in her household.
Shad hasn’t made me feel uncomfortable, well not in the way of feeling like he’d kidnap me and torture me in a dark dingy basement … hmm on
second thought that might not be so much torture. Ugh, uncomfortable in the way that he’s cute as all heck and makes me squirm in my seat then yes. Inviting Carrie and Aaron will hopefully keep me from doing something stupid. I can’t be rebounding from my hiccup with Sean and Ethan. I don’t trust my emotions lately—they seem to be running the show.
“Are we picking you up or meeting you there?”
“I hadn’t gotten that far in my planning. I’m not sure what Shad has planned.”
“Shad?”
“That’s his name.”
“Oh, sounds hot.”
I half giggle into the phone, “you have no idea.”
“Hold up, what about Ethan. You’re not going to see what his explanation of his girlfriend showing up that night was all about?”
“Carrie, I … I went to therapy today and then had lunch with him. I think it was an honest mistake and I jumped to conclusions, but come on we talked about this. I’m so much older than him. What kind of life could I possibly give him? Shad’s older and right now we’re just friends.”
“Mmmhmm, just friends.”
“No seriously, just friends. We have something in common—we both lost our friend and we have each other’s shoulders to lean on.”
“WOW, sister. You dump the sandbag that was holding you down and now you have men pouring over the banks at you.”
“Oh my god, Carrie. It’s not like that.”
“Whatever you gotta tell yourself to sleep better.”
“Really …”
“Yeah, whatever, so anyway just be safe with these trolls and in the meantime … Aaron and I will be by the house to pick you up on Saturday. Have lover boy just come to the house and we can all go together.” And like that, it’s all planned.
“Thanks, for the pep talk. I’ll see you on Saturday. I love you, Carrie.” I say.
“I know, I’ll see you on Saturday.”
Eighteen
