by Tim Collins
A group of senators with three white oxen led the procession.
Caesar was next in a golden chariot drawn by white horses. A slave stood behind Caesar. Dad said his job was to remind Caesar that he was just a human and not a god. I reckon his real job was to make sure Caesar’s hair didn’t flap around in the wind and give the crowd a good laugh.
Further back, there were loads of animals – elephants and some crazy creatures with long necks called ‘giraffes’. Cornelius told me about them once, but I thought it was just another trick, like the giant killer mouse and the three-headed sheep he told me about.
I even spotted Cornelius and Gaius on a street corner. I waved at them, and both their mouths dropped open in shock. Cornelius rushed forward to check it was really me, but he slipped and fell into a pile of fresh donkey poo.
Eventually, we made our way up Capitol Hill to the Temple of Jupiter, where a priest sacrificed the oxen. I wanted to rush home and tell Linos all about it, but Dad said there was someone he wanted to show me.
He led me to some soldiers at the bottom of the temple steps. One of them turned round and smiled. I couldn’t believe it ... it was Brawnus.
He hugged me and said he’d heard I was a true Roman hero now. I think that was my proudest moment EVER.
April XXI
Brawnus is staying with us for a few days while his legion is on leave. I spent all day in the garden listening to his war stories.
We’re having a banquet tonight to celebrate Brawnus’s return, and I’m going to stuff my face with cows’ udders, squid stuffed with calves’ brains, goose livers and honey dormice.
April XXII
The feast was amazing last night, and I stayed up right until the end.
I’d just piled my plate with lovely food, when Dad tickled the back of his throat with a feather and threw up into his pot. Some of the vomit splashed on to my plate, so I had to throw it all away and start again.
After that, I stood in the corner to eat, where I was safe from all the rebounding spew.
This morning I sat in the garden with Brawnus and Dad, having a marvellous time talking about heroic things, until Mum came rushing out with tears streaming down her cheeks.
‘My priest has foreseen a great tragedy. It will take place on the Ides of March next year.’
Only the gods know why she gets herself into such a state. The Ides of March is ages away, so I’m sure this ‘tragedy’ will all have worked itself out by then.
You mark my words. The Ides of March will be fine ...
Tricky Roman Words
Dorkius wrote his diary in the year 45BC, so it probably contains some words from Roman life that you won’t know. Here are some brief explanations:
Amphitheatre – A round or oval building where Romans watched gruesome things such as gladiator fights and wild-beast shows.
Atrium – The main hall of a Roman house. Unlike today’s hallways, it featured an open ceiling, a small pool and no embarrassing photos of you as a baby.
Augur – To tell the future by understanding omens. The ancient Romans had all sorts of crazy theories about sacred chickens and pig innards, unlike modern, sophisticated humans who follow horoscopes.
Barbarians – The name Romans gave to everyone else. They considered foreigners to be totally uncivilized and smelly, even though they just had different languages and cultures. Although some foreigners did chew with their mouths open.
Decimation – A form of military punishment in which one soldier was selected at random and killed by nine others. So anyone who uses the word ‘decimated’ to mean ‘totally destroyed’ is wrong ... and should be totally destroyed.
Elysium – The coolest bit of the Roman afterlife. Rather like a modern VIP enclosure, except you had to be a dead hero to get in, rather than a footballer or a reality TV star.
Forum – The large market square in the middle of a Roman town where you could shop and mingle with others. You could also have pointless arguments with random strangers, which is why Internet discussion boards have the same name.
Gladiators – Ruthless fighters who were pitted against each other, sometimes to the death, in huge arenas. Gladiators were often slaves or prisoners of war, though some were eventually freed. Many of these went on to teach in gladiator schools, where they were even more ruthless than PE teachers are today.
The Ides of March – The 15th of March. This was a very important date in the history of Rome because … well let’s just say that Dorkius’s mum’s priest wasn’t wrong about everything.
Julius Caesar – Roman leader, general, author and baldy. Caesar was made ‘dictator for 10 years’ shortly before Dorkius started his diary.
Mosaic – A picture made up of lots of small pieces of stone, glass or pottery.
Senate – The elected politicians of ancient Rome. Unlike today’s politicians, they were scheming, ruthless and prone to violence. Sorry, that should have read ‘Exactly like today’s politicians, they were scheming, ruthless and prone to violence.’
Toga – The heavy woollen cloth worn by Roman citizens. People sometimes still have toga parties today, but they usually wear light cotton sheets and rarely sacrifice any animals to the gods.
Villa – A large, posh house, often centrally heated.
A Note On Roman Numerals
Ancient Romans didn’t use the numerals we usually use today. They used a combination of the letters I, V, X, L, C, D and M. Roman numerals are still used on posh watches and movie sequels.
Here’s a quick guide:
1 = I
2 = II
3 = III
4 = IV
5 = V
6 = VI
7 = VII
8 = VIII
9 = IX
10 = X
11 = XI
12 = XII
13 = XIII
14 = XIV
15 = XV
16 = XVI
17 = XVII
18 = XVIII
19 = XIX
20 = XX
21 = XXI
22 = XXII
23 = XXIII
24 = XXIV
25 = XXV
26 = XXVI
27 = XXVII
28 = XXVIII
29 = XXIX
30 = XXX
40 = XL
50 = L
60 = LX
100 = C
200 = CC
500 = D
1000 = M
1500 = MD
2000 = MM
2020 = MMXX
Follow Dorkius in his next hilarious adventure as he travels with Julius Caesar to ancient Egypt. Out in summer 2013.
